"You need to reach down and touch the thing that's boiling inside of you

and make it somehow useful."

— Audre Lorde

"Mini! Mini!" Hermione bolted upright to find a small figure sobbing and shaking her shoulder.

"Scorpius?" she said as she slipped off her bed and crouched before him. His face was scrunched up and blotchy, tears running in silver rivlets down his face. She immediately pulled him close, drawing her wand. "What's wrong?"

"Daddy," he sobbed, clutching her closer, "daddy is hav – is having bad dream."

Hermione relaxed and rubbed circles on his back to calm him.

"It's okay, he'll be okay," she murmured softly. "Let's go help him, alright?"

Scorpius nodded but didn't let her go so she scooped him up in one arm and made her way to Malfoy's room. Hermione whispered in Scorpius' ear, trying to soothe him. His crying subsided but he still sniffled and trembled.

"We'll help your daddy. He will be okay, I promise." They entered the room, the door already ajar. On the bed, Malfoy thrashed wildly upon the sheets. Hermione cursed and waved her wand to light the lamp on the bedside.

"No! No!" he rasped hoarsely, flinging the sheets, his face strained and beaded with sweat. Scorpius started sobbing again, incoherently begging Mini help, Mini help, Mini help.

"Malfoy! Malfoy wake up!" Hermione called out after putting Scorpius down and going to his father's side. The golden lamp light shone on his sweaty torso, illuminating his contorted face, eyes rolled back.

"I'll do it, I'll do it! I'll do anything, please — "

"Draco!" Hermione shouted, holding his thrashing head in place. Scorpius clung tightly to her leg, his crying getting louder.

Suddenly, Malfoy's eyes snapped open as he bolted upright, almost knocking Hermione's head at the suddenness.

"Where – fuck – I — " His eyes were wide and frightened as he searched the room. "Scorpius!"

"Daddy!" Scorpius wailed as he climbed on the bed and clutched his father around his neck.

"Scorpius," he repeated, inhaling the scent of his son and soothing his sobs. "I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm so sorry — "

Malfoy went rigid, his head snapping up at the sound of Hermione's exhale.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Granger?" he seethed, his eyes immediately guarded. Hermione's eyes narrowed in return and she lifted her chin.

"Scorpius came to me — "

"Don't give me that fucking look," he growled.

"What look? What's wrong with you! I was just helping!"

"Oh please! That look that screams that you think that you're so much better than everybody!" He didn't let her reply. "Are you waiting for thanks? For helping the poor Death Eater? Because you're so much better with your bloody Gryffindor heart," he spat.

"Get the fuck over yourself, Malfoy! I refuse to be a target of your little tantrum — "

"Tantrum?" Draco laughed coldly. "Fucking classic. You think just because you've been on the side of 'goodness and righteousness,' no one else, especially those on the other side have been suffering too from this war? Running around gathering information, not even on the front lines — tell me Granger, we haven't crossed paths on the battlefield over these past few years. Were you hiding in your safehouse with all your books and information while your own friends died — "

"Fuck you, Malfoy! Fuck you — " How dare he, she seethed. How dare he imply that she just stood around while the world fell apart, while her friends died. She had given so much to a war that asked her to keep paying and paying until all that was left of her was a husk of who she once was.

"You think you know hardship, but I don't think you do. Get off your fucking high horse, Granger — "

Hermione opened her mouth to retort her, blood boiling in her veins, but she stopped when she heard a whimper. She immediately looked at the little boy shaking in Malfoy's arms. Shit.

"Fuck — Scorpius, I'm sorry," Malfoy said, noticing the child as well. He pulled the sobbing boy closer, murmuring his apologies. Hermione swallowed, instinctively stepping forward to comfort him but stopped when Malfoy glared at her.

Hermione returned it. She shook her head, letting a soft apology for Scorpius leave her lips before she pivoted and left the room without looking back.

***

It had been a week since Granger found him in the middle of his nightmare — a shivering mess, eyes unfocused and unseeing as ruby eyes burned beneath his eyelids. He had tried hard to make sure his son never found him in that state but he couldn't help it, couldn't control it. At least back in the manor, a Calming Draught or the occasional Dreamless Sleep potion had kept the dreams at bay, but without them, they were back in full force.

His past haunted him — he could still fill the tremors from the cruciatus curse, the cold scales of Nigini's body wrapping around his torso, around his neck as he tried not to cower in front of the boy he hated at school. The boy he called 'Master.' And seeing Granger there when he woke — her judgemental and haughty look — had threatened the tight leash he kept over his emotions. Without his occlumency walls in place, he already felt so reduced and vulnerable and to have her there at his lowest, judging him, he couldn't help but attack.

Draco sighed, curling his arm around Scorpius tighter as the morning sunlight crept up his arm. The golden sunlight burned brightly, but he could feel no warmth.

What was worse was realizing Scorpius ran to her because he was scared. So scared of his own father that he ran to Hermione fucking Granger for comfort. Bile rose in his throat — it all hit too close to home, his own fear of his father as a child.

Draco inhaled, calming the turbulent waves in his mind.

"Again," Severus' drawling voice echoed off the walls of the cellar before a sharp pain pierced into Draco's mind again. His eyes rolled backwards and he tried to block the onslaught of memories Severus was pulling.

"You haven't been practicing desensitization like I requested."

There was disappointment in his mentor's voice as the room came back into focus. The dim light pulsed, casting the dark stoned floor in a luminescent green from where he knelt. Draco swallowed, his head throbbing.

"I did," he rasped. "But once I let the memories in, I can't stop it."

"Walls are not enough," Severus said, carelessly tossing him a bottle of pepper-up potion. "Your Occlumency walls are weak. The purpose of compartmentalization isn't simply to block out certain memories and emotions, but to control how we confront them. When you are afraid of what is behind the walls, you will never truly be able to hold them back."

Draco managed to lift his head properly after the cool vial left his parched lips and energy returned to his body. He stared at the man's impassive face, black eyes gleaming darkly in the dying light. Unyielding, calm, controlled. This was the man who was able to elude the Dark Lord for so long.

"He – he will be expecting results. I don't have enough time when he comes — "

"Fail or succeed, what matters more is your ability to face him," Severus said, exasperated. "But you cannot face someone and expect to conquer and deceive them when you have not yet conquered yourself. Begin with the basics. Build a foundation for your mind using your magic."

Draco shut his eyes, regulating his breathing in a kind of meditation.

"Detach yourself from all earthly things." The voice surrounded Draco, everywhere and nowhere. "Detach yourself from all sense of self, all sense of being. Follow the call of your magic."

The world fell away as Draco descended into his own mind.

"Now, what do you see?"

"There is a meadow with long grass bending in the breeze..." he began, "and a manor with many doors."

"Tell me about the doors."

"Each is different. Some large, some small, some made out of wood, some made of metal." Draco let himself wander through the halls, passing doors of every kind, some inviting, some not. He stopped. "And there is a black door. Larger than the others. A door that has been here before the manor... before the meadow."

"Good," Severus' voice echoed. "And what is behind the doors?"

The door before Draco rattled. It was as if it had its own pulse. It was alive.

"Terrible things," he whispered. From behind the door he heard screams, angry voices, hissing, a girl screaming, a witch's cackle. "I need to seal it, I need to shut it out —"

In seconds, chains and metal grids sealed the door. Vaguely, Draco felt the presence of Severus' in his mind, this time observing.

"Good," his mentor murmured again. "These are strong. But everyday, I want you to meditate and linger around the doors, particularly the sealed ones that hold what haunt you the most. To truly master Occlumency, you must not suppress your emotions and memories because more and more you become ruled by them. That is the risk and mistake of those who compartmentalize without exposing themselves little by little to what haunts them. Begin by securing these doors. Once you've gained significant distance from the event, the memory, sit before the sealed doors, then try to open them and look, but do not enter. Keep the memories at bay, under control, keep them distant. Try to expose yourself to your emotions, to your memories until it no longer has power over you. Desensitize yourself. And in doing this you will master true control."

Draco continued breathing, observing each door in every hallway. Music sounded from one, another with the laughter of a child. One room with an open wooden door contained a broom and the memory of flying, while another held a cabinet and the other a dead body.

"When the Dark Lord enters your mind, select which doors to open, and which to close. You will be able to deceive him and you will have mastery over what haunts you should those doors crumble. It is detrimental to suppress your emotions. You must learn to live with them, live with what you've done, and who you've become."

Draco's heart beat slowly, the manor of his mind solidifying its walls, obeying his wishes. He could feel it now, the surrender to a pleasant numbness that was almost addicting if he wasn't careful.

"Daddy..." Scorpius whimpered and started shaking, bringing Draco back from his memory.

"Scorp? Scorpius?" Draco said as he looked over at his son. His eyes were shut, faintly trembling yet his skin was burning up. Shit. "Scorpius, what's wrong?"

Draco's heart raced as his son continued to whimper and thrash, calling out for his father.

"It's alright, I'm here. I'll take care of you," Draco said, gritting his teeth in frustration upon remembering he had no wand. He quickly made his way to the bathroom, rummaging through the cabinet behind the mirror. Nothing.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Daddy?" Scorpius called out again upon realizing he was alone. "Am cold, so cold."

"I'm back — just hold on okay? I'll get help." Draco wrapped his son in a bundle of blankets and protectively clutched him to his chest. Fuck, where was Granger? He gritted his teeth, remembering their fight. He would beg if he had to.

"Granger!" he bellowed through the hallways.

"Malfoy?" she replied, suspicion laced in her words as she exited the kitchen.

"It's Scorpius. There's something wrong, he – he's burning up. I – he's — "

"Slowdown," she said steadily. "Let's get him on the bed, yeah?" Her concerned eyes flashed to Scorpius but she remained calm. Draco nodded, leading her to the room.

"Scorpius dear, can you hear me?" Hermione said as he put Scorpius on the bed, unwrapping his blankets. Scorpius only moaned weakly in response when she put her hand on his forehead and cursed.

"What is it? What's going on?"

Hermione didn't respond and instead pulled out her wand. Draco almost reacted to disarm her but stopped himself and let her cast a diagnostic charm. Tendrils of light swirled above Scorpius' little body, glowing yellow then deepening into a burnt orange.

"He'll be fine," she said, tension leaving her shoulders. "It's just a fever."

"He's in pain, Granger!" He knew fevers weren't so bad — he could brew a potion for it. But he was wandless and basically a prisoner, and his son was writhing in pain.

"I'll go to the Order's ward," Hermione said as Scorpius attempted to open his eyes but ended up tightly shutting them.

"I'm going."

"Malfoy, I don't think — "

"He's my son! I'm not taking any risks. I'm not letting him intake anything blindly — that's even if the Order deigns to release the proper mediation," he said, eyes dangerous, challenging her to disagree.

"Fine," Hermione relented. Immediately, she called Watson who appeared moments later with a pop. "Watson, I'm sorry to bother you but I need you to watch Scorpius for a while — he's sick. Malfoy and I will be gone for a bit to grab some medicine."

Watson looked at Draco suspiciously, then to Scorpius and grunted.

"Watson will take care of the child. Watson knows sick children," he said roughly as he conjured a damp rag and put it on Scorpius' head. Scorpius relaxed for a moment, cracking his eyes open.

"Mini?" He gave her a weak smile.

"Hello, darling. Your daddy and I will be gone really quick to get some things to make you feel better," Hermione said as she caressed his cheek. "You remember Watson right? The nice elf who took care of you last time?"

"Watsy?" Scorpius said hoarsely, eyes searching for the elf. The elf in question made a huffing sound, scrunching his leathery face in a grimace.

"Yes," she chuckled. "Watsy will be right here. Just take a nap, okay? We will be back when you wake."

Scorpius softly nodded, shutting his eyes. Draco leaned forward, pressing his lips to his son's forehead. Then, he turned to Granger and followed her out the room.

***

"What the fuck do you mean my son's illness is not high enough a priority!" Draco snapped at the impassive face of the healer.

"It means that we're in the middle of a war and therefore wasting our depleting resources on a fever that will eventually pass without any potions — "

"Malfoy!" Hermione gripped his arm that had banged on the healer's desk, sending quills flying to the ground. The healer looked up at him with a stern and indifferent face, her murky eyes unfazed. "She's right — "

"The fuck, Granger!"

" — let me finish. She's right, our resources are depleted but I won't let Scorpius suffer either." Hermione glanced at the healer and nodded, her grip tightening on him as she pulled him away. "We'll treat him with another kind of medication. You might not like it but it works, you just have to keep an open mind — "

"What method?" he asked, his jaw clenching tightly. He was so close to losing his control, so sick of feeling powerless. Before he could repeat his question, he felt a tug on his navel followed by the disorienting pull of Apparition.

Upon getting his bearings, Draco noticed he was in an alleyway — brick walls cast in half shadow, half in morning light. A damp smell assaulted his nostrils and loud noises blared from the streets.

"Where are we?" Instead of answering, she pulled him out of the alley. Immediately, he tried to place his surroundings as what he recognized as muggle vehicles zoomed by. Soon they stopped in front of a shop. Granger wouldn't —

"Muggle medicine," she whispered discreetly. She ushered him into a kind of apothecary that held rows of white shelves that held packaged items in organized boxes. It was oddly different from wizarding apothecaries that displayed different substances — crushed asphodel, colorful liquids and gasses, and dried roots in numerous bottles on the shelves. Merlin, everything here was white. And the smell — a foreign putrid scent that assaulted his nose.

"This is a pharmacy. Much like an apothecary. They sell muggle medicine — "

"I'm not giving my son muggle medicine — "

"Malfoy! Do you want him to get better or not? Trust me — my parents used muggle medicine when I was a child. It's completely harmless."

Draco clenched his jaw but nodded his head tersely. Hermione relaxed and pulled him to the counter where she placed an order for what looked like pills and bottled potions. After discussing dosage amounts with the shopkeeper, they returned to the alley.

"Okay, I have some leftovers at home that I'll heat up really quick so Scorpius won't take his medicine on an empty stomach — "

The clouds suddenly darkened as a shadow fell over the alley. Draco tensed.

"Granger... "

Before she could speak, two figures soundlessly appeared before them. Hermione drew her wand, stepping in front of him. Draco curled his hands into fists as he caught sight of familiar silver masks.

"Well if it isn't the blood traitor," one of them hissed.

"What's this? Draco Malfoy and the mudblood?" the other spat. "The Dark Lord will be pleased."

Hermione cast a shield as the Death Eaters hurled curses their way. Her arms trembled from the effort while she told Draco to stay back.

"Where's that little brat of yours, Malfoy? A coward like his father?" Draco stiffened, eyes hardening with predatory focus. Taking advantage of their focus on Hermione's protego, he leapt from the side of the shield and attacked them before she could protest.

He caught them off guard, immediately going for the shoulder of the one who made the comment, dislocating his wand arm with a sharp pop.

"Expelliarmus!"

After Hermione disarmed the other, Draco swung his legs to sweep the attacker off his feet, simultaneously dodging an agonized swipe towards his head by the first Death Eater. Draco recovered his balance, moving with a lithe efficiency as he swung his fist upward towards the Death Eater. There was a resounding crack as the Death Eater's head snapped backwards.

Instinctively, Draco pivoted, preparing for the other Death Eater but found him stupefied on the ground, Hermione Granger's hard brown eyes staring coldly at the body beneath her.

"Stupefy!" Draco flinched, staring at her wand tip mere inches from his face. A body thumped behind him.

"Better keep your guard up, Malfoy," Hermione lightly reprimanded breathlessly. Dropping her arm, she took the wands of the fallen Death Eaters. Draco watched as she conjured a patronus — a silver otter — to send a message to Kingsley.

Once a dispatch team from the Order appeared on site, they Apparated the bodies away to be taken as prisoners.

" — Malfoy?" Draco looked at the witch who watched him with evident curiosity. "Kings has everything handled. Let's get back to Scorpius, yeah?"

Draco nodded, taking her arm as she Apparated them back to the safehouse.

***

Draco released a breath when they returned to the foyer. The familiar smell of oakwood, parchment, and citrus calmed him. He immediately sought out his son as Granger mumbled something about food.