A decade since her death, yet each time he thought about her, his contentment is feasted upon by scavenging pain, ripping every single jot of comfort, peace and happiness from him, leaving simply carcasses of guilt and anguish. Toni was twelve and he was thirteen when Toni and her family moved in next door. The house they lived in was an aged story building with twenty eight apartments. The walls were worn out, painting fading with uneven cracks that was an indication of the building's weakness. The neighbours who lived on the top floor complained about leaking roof during rainy season and everyone complained of the lack of ventilation during dry season.

Each apartment contained a single room, a bathroom and kitchen and they all had tiny windows that barely ventilate the house. His mother could not cook in the miniature kitchen. She took out the kerosene stove to the corridor to cook just like most neighbours did. Different families, most husbands, wives and children could barely afford a three square meal. Those bland stews and soups with no meat or fish could still be tasted on his tongue. The concoction rice his mother made is still a repelling image engraved his memory. The men were mostly danfo drivers, okada riders, or minimal labourers and the women were hawkers or seasonal small traders. Joshua's mother used to hawk food for a living. His father was a danfo driver who scarcely spend time with his family for he worked every day.

They lived in a community where the use of hard drugs and alcohol were widespread. Gang fights were nothing new. The sudden outbreak of a fight or someone dying from the slash of a cutlass or stab of a broken bottle was a normal thing. Parents do not even care about the lives their children lived or what their children did but his mother did. Yet, he lived a life of his own choosing. The youths were thieves and they did dangerous and illegal jobs for a living.

On Toni's first day at the community grammar school, her mother had requested Joshua to walk her to school since he goes to the same school. It became a regular thing. They arrived from school together. Assignments were not taken serious. They did not even have notes for most subjects. In a class where there were over hundred students, no teacher cared whether the students have notes or do assignments. There were barely enough seats in class for the students. They either sat on the windows or brought chairs from home.

Growing up with poor parents, they were forced to pick people's purses and items at the busy bus stop. People, packed together, strolled through the bus-stop daily. They snuck in between them and picked whatever their hands could reach. It was a talent they were skilled at. After stealing, they sorted out the purses, bags, wallets and valuable items then sold them for money they could never explain how they spent. No one suspected children of their age. It was fun and an act they did for a very long time until they got tired of it. Well, he did not. Toni did.

Joshua worked for a man called Chairman. Chairman ruled Isale Eko then. He was feared by all and worked for rich men and politicians who owned illegal businesses. He carried out their dirty jobs. Chairman was a drug dealer, sold hard drugs to the community, an assassin and the bad guy no one wants to cross. Any kind of hard drug could be gotten from him. Joshua was sure he was making a lot from his illegal works. As a young boy, he looked up to Chairman. He chose to work for him because he hoped to be like him one day, have people bow at his feet, sit on a throne and have people carry out his dirty jobs. Toni was against it yet, he went ahead with his decision. He knew he would get to places, earn a lot of money and learn the illicit skill from Chairman and one day, rule Isale Eko. In his early teenage years, he delivered drugs for Chairman because he was smart. No one could cheat him. He was an outspoken child and was good at calculations. Toni used to escort him until she said she can't again. He remembered how she tried to talk him out of such a life but he never listened. He wanted a good life where he could afford anything without looking at its price and he was going to have that life no matter what it takes.

As he grew older, he began to do other jobs for Chairman just to get on his good side. He was fourteen when he took someone's life for the first time. He had not flinched as he pulled the trigger. Now, he wonder what had gotten into him to do such an act at such a young age. Should he call it determination? He was sure there was something that gave him the heart to do so. Chairman had told him that his job was not for the faint hearts. He has to be strong, cold hearted to be able to reach where he was. He might have gotten the courage from those words. He had it in mind that he would lead his mates and those older than him. He would rise above them all, have a stand and create a name for himself. But what does a child who grew up in the ghetto know about the legal way to do so? That drove him and kept him going. With time, he rose above his mates. Many feared him for he was smart, had a short temper, knew how to use his fists when fighting and was good with bottles and knives. He led them and most obeyed him.

He was Toni's protector while growing up. They grew up in a neighbourhood where females, young and old, traded their body for money. Aside from that, at the early age of ten, twelve, girls were cat-called and flirted with. Most men hit their bottoms and touched their growing breasts like they have the right to. Toni developed quickly. Her physical features sprouted earlier than most girls of her age which made her a victim of such act. He stood up for her, fought men who acted in such way with her even though some left him very injured. Most times, those fights were bloody.

Toni used to hawk agbo (traditional medicine) and cigarettes for her mother. There were days he goes with her for reasons he does not know. He just wanted to be with her, hear her speak and watch her as she does her thing. There was a day they had hawked agbo, a boy few years older than him teased her by slapping her backside and pressing her breasts while she sold agbo. He can't tell why but he had lost the only thread of sanity left, began to trade insults with the older boy and before anyone could blink an eye, he had broken a bottle and stabbed the boy. They ran away on Toni's orders even though he had not wanted to. There was no big deal in stabbing someone. He had killed. Stabbing was nothing.

His parents' found out and his mother had made a big deal out of it. She hit him, crying and scolding him. His father's eyes had always held disappointment. He gave up on him when he knew he would never change. Those eyes still haunt him because he never got the chance to make them watch him with pride. Her shout had attracted their neighbours. Most had watched what was going on. Some interfered. He was angry because most people saw his mother beating him. He had a stand in the community. He remembered shouting at her before walking out with his shirt thrown over his shoulder. Her screams, cries and words fell into deaf ears as he glided down the stairs to his usual joint. Her worry for him had been hate to him. No mother who loves her child will embarrass him in front of everyone. He had, many times, doubted if she was really his mother. He had nearly spent the night in the cell that day but Chairman saved him. The man had not scolded him instead he praised him and told him it was good to have his girl's back.

"She is not my girl." He had grumbled out.

Chairman had laughed and said. "Not now but very soon." He patted his back.

When he got into fights that left him with bruises and wounds, Toni took care of his injuries amidst insults only she could spew at him. He had a reputation among girls of his age including those who were a couple of years older than him. They liked him. He used them for physical pleasure and dumped them but they knew there was a limit to everything. They cannot raise their voices against him but Toni could. She harboured no fear for him. Only she could get away with anything she does to him. Had she feared him, he would never have liked it.

Everyone knew them in the community. When they are looking for one, they asked the other. They had dreams. He was not sure if he did but she had dreams to leave the ghetto and make a good life. He knew he just wanted to count money in every currency, legally or illegally. Anyone was fine by him. She wanted to be a pianist. She was good with the piano. She played well. He had seen her once or twice playing at the church on a Sunday his mother had forced him to attend church service, hoping that one day, she will have her own recital where people from far and near would come to listen to her play. He had laughed it off because it felt impossible at that time. The life they had did not give them a chance to dream that way. If anyone from the ghetto wanted to make money, it had to be the illicit way.

There used to be cocaine joint. It still exists. There was a building which was meant to be a story building but after the down floor was constructed, the construction of the building was put to halt. They used to sit there with their peer group, making noise and disturbing passers-by until late at night. They got each other's back in their time of need. They had one another's shoulder to cry on. She knew his weakness and had seen him in his lowest point when he cries. She understood him. She was there to calm him down and shout at him whenever he fought with his mother or any member of his family or did anything stupid. She had an idea of every bad thing he did. Stealing. Fighting. Building his own gang. His use of hard drugs. Yet, she stayed with him. She friended him without judging him or questioning his character but she tried to talk him out of everything. He knew her weakness too, had seen her in her saddest moments. Her mother was in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic father. Her scars from her father's merciless beatings were never hidden from him.

He never wanted it. Those thoughts that makes him wilding, that lit the embers of passion in his veins. He never noticed just how round her ass was or how nice her figure was against his during those friendly hugs until a friend pointed it out. Her scent imprints images, once forbidden in his head, of him fondling her. He remembered staring at her with amusement, his heart sang a different tune for the first time. There was something about her that change the rhythm, pulled the strings in a different way. Maybe the way she laughed or something she said. There might have been more to it. There was nothing striking or extraordinary about her face. In fact, her face was flecked with acne no remedy cleared. He was drawn to that plain and witty face. Though she was conscious of her physical endowment but he like them just the way they were. She got him in a way none of his numerous playthings had.

Her touch transmitted an electric impulse more than any power could give. Soon, he found himself stuttering when talking to her, a thing he had never done around girls before. During the night, he craved her warmth like a duvet. Such feelings had never been evoked by any girl. It was a symbiotic sexual relationship that they knew better than to become clingy. His possessiveness over her grew. It gladdened him that her boyfriend had ended his relationship with her for someone else. It was a chance for him, a chance to show her how much he cared, how he would always be there for her. She had him to cry to. If he had acted on his anger then, Emma would have ended up with a bashed face. Still, he was scared to show too much that will make him appear vulnerable. But then, he realised with her he was always vulnerable. He thought he hid his feelings for her so well until chairman pointed it out at a gathering in his home. He hated that feeling that got him thinking about her everytime, laughing at things she had said and smiling at the mere reflection of her face in his head. It made him wonder if Toni sensed it. Her glow that makes him burn. The strong urges to bite her lips. Those lips, so luscious he could suck them dry. Does she feel the same way?

With her, he was ready to tumble, take that fall through the rough road that leads to her even though he would be left wounded. He would heal for she was his doctor. He took that fall the day he kissed her on New Year's Eve after throttling every resistance that left him in urgent need of her.

"You kiss better than other boys." She said, her face flushed. Other boys? He was stunned by her words. Oh! Those boys she had snuck into corners with to do God knows what. She had just ended her relationship with one of them who was insecure because she was close to him. The guy, Emma, could not confront him. He knew the repercussion of that. "I have always wondered what it will be like to kiss you. It's great." And she got up, left him daze then angry. What? He had put his entire emotion in that kiss and all she felt was platonic.

She came knocking on his door the next day after a night of getting drunk and high on drugs from anger that his feelings were not reciprocated. He was a laughing stock amidst chairman and his friends still chairman told him to be patient and allow everything to fall into place. He had gotten into a bloody fight that left him injured and his opponent nearly dead but the physical agony he felt was nothing compared to the wrench in his chest. The pain was almost strangling, squeezing the life out of him. And he was angry at himself for falling so hard for her. He should have halted his feelings from growing. Had he not fallen deeply, he won't be hurt.

She said in concentrated pidgin while opening the curtains to the little apartment chairman gave him in his boys' quarters. "So, this is where you are? Why did you not come to school? I asked your friends about you this morning but they had no idea where you were."

"What do you want?" He grumbled out, turning away to face the wall as he winced at the injury on his back.

She scrutinized him, brows went up as high as they could before her eyes narrowed at him. "You fought again? Who did you fight this time around?"

"How is that your concern, Toni? Let me be! I want to sleep!" He snapped.

"Get up!" She snapped back. "I am here to clean your injury. When you are ready to talk, I will be waiting! Get up!"

"I am alright!"

"Chairman told me you are injured. Get up Joshua or I will force you up!"

Silence fell upon them as she cleaned his cut, dabbing the raw surface with antiseptic, her action hard and deliberate. He was so used to the sting that he no longer winced at it. The stillness stretched and his thoughts raged on. Her quietness about everything pissed him off. Did what really happen mean nothing to her?

"Did last night mean anything to you?" He found himself asking.

"No. It does not mean anything to me." She covered his injury with cotton wool. "I am sure it is the same for you."

"I am sorry for shouting at you." He apologised but she said nothing. "Last night meant something to me."

"Funny hearing it from a playboy like you." She snickered, moving away from his back.

"I am serious Toni." He caught her hand before she got up.

"I am also serious. Getting into a relationship with you will leave me broken. I am not taking that risk with you."

His throat closed for rejection felt foreign to him. Almost every girl he had been with threw herself at him. None were hard to convince or take to bed. Toni wanted to make things hard for him. Why does the one he feels genuinely towards have to be difficult?

He wanted her to look into his soul, see the sincerity in it. The chaos she caused in his mind. The thoughts that lay there. So he looked into her eyes and said. "I like you in a different kind of way. What I feel is intense and unfamiliar but I understand it." When she said nothing but stared at him, he knew he had gotten her the right way. "Toni." He gripped her hand, the air suddenly electric. She took the next step that threw them into the pool of ecstasy. They wallowed in an intimacy they never got back from.

They spent the rest of the day indoor. In a haze, she told him of her fears. He is the ladies' man and his reputation among them had not been so good. She fears she will have to compete with other women for him and his attention. His habit of excess use of hard drugs can be destructive. It would kill him slowly. These habit of his are one she tried not to hate even though she does not like them for they would make her dislike him. She had no idea that what she was requesting for was going to be hard for him to offer. Change was going to be hard to implement but he won't lose her for his reckless life.

She failed to believe him when he told her she was the only one who rules his heart. Those other girls meant and would never mean anything. He had to make a promise, swear on her for her to believe he would give up his reckless life. Smoking. Drinking. Girls. Killing. His bad work. Every bad thing except his relationship with chairman. He meant every word. He was would have kept his promise but the temptation was strong when he was out with his friends the following day that he gave in to it but he hid it from her and acted normal.

And so it continued. He showed her a different side of him, the changed him and he acted different when he was away. He knew he would hurt her when she finds her but these habits have become a part of him that he could not give them up. He was addicted to that way of life that it nearly destroyed him. He had no idea love could be the best feeling. They spent beautiful moments together. Those days they stayed in bed, never running out of what to say, the days he chased her through those narrow smelly streets, and the echo of her laughter. Every moment with her was memorable, moments he would remember for a life time. How he fell so hard, he never could tell. He stopped bringing his other girls home but met them somewhere else. Chairman had warned him against such deed. If he was serious with Toni then he needs to be sincere. The foundation of their relationship should not be distrust and insincerity because the end result would be damaging.