I could hear hushed voices near me when I woke up. There was this something soft beneath my head and I wished (just for a fleeting moment) that I could stay still and just sleep a little more.

"I don't know." I heard a voice.

"You don't know what happened to her?" Another voice--a woman's voice--asked.

"No, I don't, Mom. She was...she was panicking. She wasn't listening to me. I don't even think she saw me before she fainted." This voice sounded familiar. I would've opened my eyes to see who it was if I hadn't felt so exhausted. Drained, I felt drained.

Sleep, I thought. This was peaceful. I could have it for a little more while, can't I?

"You were at a party?"

"Yeah. She was there too."

The party. It felt so sudden as that familiar picture flashed before my eyes. The image I'd received in that unknown text. The picture of Jack.

My eyes flew open and I sat up almost instantly, trying to blink back the dizziness and look around. For two entire seconds, everything seemed unreal. Like I was stuck in a dream.

"Grace." I looked up at the woman in front of me and a sudden rush of familiarity hit me. Except for the tired dark circles around her eyes, she looked just the same.

Marleen.

"You're up." She smiled at me, a little too warm. And something--a feeling so old--touched my heart. It was warm and welcoming and like home.

I blinked in a daze and glanced away from her, at Luca. There wasn't any smile on his face though, not even a look that might've deceived some sort of warmth. All I could see on his face was a frown.

He never used to frown this much.

"How are you feeling, honey?" Marleen asked, making me look back at her as she walked closer and sat down in front of me on the bed.

I was on a bed. And this wasn't my room or my house even. Almost out of instinct, my eyes flew over to the familiar window at the corner of the room, and I watched the bright rays of sunlight coming through.

Luca's room. I was in Luca's room.

"I'm..." I breathed out a soft shudder. "What am I doing here?" My voice came out a little hoarse. I kept my gaze trained on Marlene because I didn't want to look at Luca. Not when my heart had already started racing again, at just the mere sight of him. Not when him being a few steps away from me, and frowning at me with such an unwelcoming expression, felt like the worst thing ever.

I felt scared, even if this was the last place that should've scared me.

"Luc found you at the party last night." She told me. "Did something happen, sweetheart? Do you feel all right?"

I pressed my lips together and nodded. Everything was all right. Even if I didn't want to, I still found myself looking up at Luca. For a brief moment, our eyes met, and a huge part inside of me wanted to reach out, touch him, tell him how much it had hurt without him. How much I'd missed him.

But then he broke our gaze and stuffed his hands in his jacket, taking a small, almost unnoticeable, step back.

I swallowed and looked away too.

"I'm fine," I told Marleen, who now had a tiny furrow of concern between her brows. "I must've been tired last night." Which wasn't exactly a lie.

Marleen gave me another warm smile, one that made me want to start crying, and nodded. "Of course. You should stay here." Her hand came up and rested on my arm, and God, wasn't it pathetic that I wanted to hug her? "I'll go and make you some breakfast."

The mere thought of any kind of food made my stomach churn in a way that I wouldn't state as pleasant. I opened my mouth to stop her and tell her that I wasn't hungry, but she'd already made her way past the bedroom doors.

"Wait, I..." I trailed off helplessly when I heard her footsteps receding, almost as if she wasn't going to take a no for an answer. I looked up at Luca who was still right there, regarding me with a gaze that seemed anything but happy. "I don't need breakfast."

Now that I was awake, once again, the only thing I could think of was Jack. And my parents. There wasn't an appetite. I didn't want to eat when I could be up and doing something useful.

"What were you even doing at that party? Who even invited you there?" Luca asked, and it surprised me, the harsh edge in his voice. The frustration.

Like he didn't, I thought. Like he didn't want me here.

"I was..." And it stung. "That's none of your business." I didn't make it sound harsh. I couldn't.

He'd changed, I realised for probably the umpteenth time now. There was a sharpness in his familiar brown eyes, a sharp disdain I'd heard in his voice too. And it wasn't just that. He looked different too. He was taller than the last time I'd seen him and I remembered a lean Luca two years before, but he didn't seem like that now.

That's that, I told myself even if it hurt. Because one thing I'd been so sure of, one thing that I'd known I couldn't be wrong of, was him. I'd kept telling myself all those two years in Manhattan that at least Luca would be the same. I'd go back and even if everything seemed hopeless, at least I'd have Luca. Maybe he'd hate me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

But it was. Bad, I mean. Because I couldn't even hold onto that tiny string of hope anymore. Because Luca couldn't even look me in the eye now.

"People don't just black out like you did." He gritted out, dark brows drawing together in a frown. He looked furious.

And I felt cold.

I pulled my hands close to my lap. "I was tired."

"I've seen what panic attacks are like."

"It wasn't." I blurted out almost instantly, trying not to bite my tongue as I looked back at him, trying to show the desperation I felt. God, couldn't he see? "I...know you're angry at me. And I'm not blaming you. I can't blame you."

"Angry?" He raised his brows in disbelief. "I hate you, Grace. I do hope you know that."

I stared, and it was like I was sinking. "Why would you say that?" I whispered. Please don't say that, I wanted to ask instead. Just for a few minutes.

Is that what my parents would've said to me too if they were alive? Is that what Jack would say to me too if he were here?

Luca laughed, and it was all acid and hatred. I tried not to flinch. "I'm not doing this again. I'm not going to deal with your shit again. And you coming back here won't change that."

Oh. I nodded almost instantly. "I-I get it. I'm not...Luca--"

"Don't call me that." He cut me off, jaw clenched in a way that told me he wasn't lying about any of the words he'd just said. "It's Lucius for you."

And then he left too.

Leaving me all alone in a room that carried ghosts of so many memories.

•••••

I somehow managed to drag myself out of Luca's room and go downstairs where Marleen was.

"I'm almost done with the eggs." She spoke up just as I entered, glancing at me from over her shoulder. "Make yourself comfortable, honey."

I looked over at the black stools lining the kitchen island and sat down on one of them. Now that I was really focusing on my surroundings, a lot seemed different in this house. The air. The atmosphere. There was almost something heavy around me.

"You don't have to...I'm not really hungry." I broke the silence. I'd felt a bit better than the last few days when I'd woken up. But my conversation back there with Luca had left me queasy. I wanted to go home.

"Who isn't hungry in the mornings, Gracie?" She asked.

Gracie, I repeated it in my head and kept repeating it until all the warmth of it hugged every inch of me.

"I don't usually do breakfasts." I gazed over at the two tiny notes stuck on the fridge. One of them, I recognized, was scribbled in Luca's familiar handwriting.

"Well, you can make an exception today." Marleen smiled as she placed a plate filled with perfectly cooked eggs in front of me. "So. How was Manhattan?"

I picked up the fork and looked down at the plate instead of her. Fortunately, she was still busy. If she had been looking at me, I probably might've run away.

"It wasn't like...it is here." I hesitated. "Everything was different." So different.

She turned around once again and looked at me. I forced myself to take a bite.

"And how's Jordyn?" She asked. "I still try calling her on the phone sometimes. To catch up. She never picks up, though."

I managed to spare her a glance, which I probably shouldn't have done as my stomach knotted up again. She had a smile on her lips, but it came out confused. And sad. She looked sad.

"These eggs are really good." I blurted out and then winced.

Marleen didn't seem to notice my abrupt attempt at changing the topic. Her eyes brightened in a way that was so familiar. The same way Luca's eyes used to. "I'm glad you do. You've grown so thin, I feel like I'll need to stuff you with all my homemade recipes before you go back."

Go back. I had to force a smile at that. She thought I would be going back? Did Luca think the same? Was that why he'd seemed so--

Marleen pulled out a stool across from me and sat down. "Did you and Luc talk?"

I licked my lips and placed the fork back quietly on the plate. I really didn't want to eat anymore.

"He's angry." I nodded slowly. "I understand. And I don't think I can change that."

She reached out and took my hand in hers, squeezing and I felt some of the stiff tension draining from my shoulders. I watched her smile and I think I loved that the most about her. She could smile at anything and everything. Pain, loneliness, fear; everything.

I still love that about her.

"Of course, you can change that." She replied. "I think you're the only person who can change that."

I gazed down at our hands. I remembered it, how I used to think the same way before--back when things had been easier, when Luca never got angry at me. When Luca didn't hate me.

But it wasn't the same now. Now, I wasn't even allowed to call him Luca.

"But that wouldn't be fair. Not to him," I whispered, then looked up at her. "I left. That wasn't fair of me, not when he's fine with it. And now coming back, I can't ruin it for him all over again."

Surprise flitted over her features. "You think he's fine with that?"

"No, no." I shook my head. "I meant, he's moved on. And he doesn't want me--"

"That's what he said, didn't he?" She asked, propping her chin on her palm.

I went silent at that but nodded eventually.

"He hasn't moved on, Gracie." She said, almost in a whisper. As if she wished she could make him move on. As if she despised me too for leaving and never telling them why. "I know that."

I found myself thinking about last night then. I cleared my throat and pulled my hand away from Marleen's, wiping my palms on my jeans. I'd seen him. He'd been kissing someone I'd never seen before. Maybe his girlfriend, I thought. She could be. How would I know?

I'd disappeared for two whole years. Without telling anyone why. Without telling Luca why.

"You remember the Luc two years ago?" Marleen asked, breaking me out of my thoughts. "The one who used to live on those paints. The one who could cheer up almost anybody around him. The one who was your best friend."

I merely stared at her.

"He distanced himself from that Luc." She continued. "And all the other things he used to love."

I could feel the lump getting a little painful in my throat.

"Those last two years were harsh on him, Gracie." She pushed back a dark strand of her hair behind her ear. "Not just because you left."

My heart was beating so loudly that I was surprised she couldn't hear it.

"David died in a car accident last year." She wasn't looking at me when she said that, and there wasn't a smile this time. "Losing his dad was hard for him, more than me losing my husband, because he'd lost you too."

Oh, Luca. "I'm sorry," I whispered, eyes wide as I looked at her.

"It wasn't your fault, honey."

But it was. It was. All this time, it had been my fault. Everything had been my fault. I'd ruined everything here, and when they'd taken me to Manhattan, I'd failed to keep everything together there too.

"I'm so sorry, Marleen," I repeated, feeling my vision clouding up with tears.

A beat of silence passed by. Slow and painful.

"You both were there for each other ever since you were children, Grace." She said. "Don't let circumstances change that."

I looked down at my plate, cold and untouched.

"And Gracie?" I looked up at her. "He could never hate you. You know that."