Hold it together, they said.

Be strong.

Be strong for you and the little soul.

The words of encouragement and strength became a daily diet I invested myself in the more I failed to keep anything down due to the nausea. But maybe I shouldn't blame the new changes beginning inside me for my poor ability to keep anything down when I should address the bigger issue – Nicky was in prison.

The second he was arrested Sonny, Eva, Joseph and Aunt Elle were there. The men were throwing a fit because there was no way that Nicholas was guilty. But the sight of his gun bearing his initials near a cop's body found at the place the shoot-out happened between him and Lucien's men told a different version of events.

Eva was out of sorts pacing back and forth whilst I was stuck absolutely speechless. Although I appreciated Aunt Elle's attempt to soothe me by rubbing gentle circles into my back that wouldn't bring him back. "He shouldn't have gone and you're an idiot for backing the kid up," Sonny pointed an accusing finger towards Joseph who frowned at the blame being placed on his shoulders. "Those assholes had the nerve to mess with my daughter!" Joseph snapped, the veins bulging in his neck in sheer frustration at what happened to Marcie.

"Please," he scoffed, "don't blame them for your shitty parenting," he replied taking a seat on the couch maintaining a blank expression despite the daggers being thrown his way by Marcie's parents. "Fuck you, Sonny. You have no idea what it's like to raise a child!" Aunt Elle spat only to have Sonny roll his eyes. "I was there for Nicholas, helped raise him to be a level headed man. But unlike you, Joe I won't go about causing a ruckus. I tend to go about things in a more peaceful manner."

"Go on then," Eva replied taking a seat watching him expectantly for the plan. Though I had my reservations about Sonny I was willing to put them aside if he had already cooked up a scheme that would get Nicky out of jail quicker. "I'll talk to the Chief of police, get him to..." he paused contemplating his next choice of words, "see things from my perspective."

"And what if he doesn't?" she challenged making me grow anxious once more at the possibility. "Eva, you know I practically consider Nick my son –"

"Except he's not," she interjected crossing her arms in a defensive manner that held within it an attempt to block off an unspeakable tension between them. It was the same tension I had seen earlier in the hospital. His eyes turned to slits remaining fixated upon the woman whom he had helped, "It takes a lot more than blood to make someone family and you know it. So I'll do what I can to get him out as quick as possible," he assured easing the tension a little bit. Therefore, until Nicky came back from prison Sonny would be the Boss of the family once more even though he always held leverage over it after Nicky took over.

It was obvious Sonny had high expectations for him and when his gaze landed on me, he made it clear those expectations didn't involve me, "She's not a part of this family, why is she still here?"

"She deserv –"

"Because I care about him," I replied glancing apologetically at Eva for cutting her off. However, I had remained mute long enough and I was more than capable of defending myself.

I had tried to be welcoming to Sonny the best way I could but it was obvious he had made a biased judgement of me. And with all the stress mounting my frustration tumbled over towards him. "It's just like you said it takes a lot more than blood to make someone family. You may not like me, but frankly I'm not going to waste my time fretting over it because I don't give a shit. I've been threatened, shot at and had to watch strangers drag a person I care about out the door like they were nothing. The shit I've already been through is more than most get in a lifetime so you can take your hostile attitude and shove it up your ass because I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" I stressed the last part going so far as to lean forward ready to pounce on him if he said anything.

Joseph whistled lowly looking amused at the unexpected spectacle, "You're going to be a fierce comare." Sonny's expression remained unreadable. I'm sure he was imagining different ways to kill me. Yet in that moment with the adrenaline pumping I threw very little regard for him as the night came to a close. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself he'd be back soon it was impossible to fall asleep that night knowing he was in a cell.

***

I told myself that he'd be back the next day but that day multiplied and stretched to more sleepless nights in Eva's home.

I was unable to rest and spent hours indoors feeling nauseous. It wasn't healthy how I was living at the time. I'd jump anytime the phone rang or feel hope build in my system at the sound of a car entering the driveway only to feel disappointed when he wasn't in it. Admittedly Eva's presence helped a lot after she insisted I stay with her. In the end I spent time indulging in the suburban experience which would have been pleasant if he had been there. Whenever I would go see Marcie she managed to cheer me up and I was glad to see she was recovering. The hard times were still ahead but she was in a better place.

"I just got off the phone with Sonny," turning at the sound of Eva's voice it wasn't long before her face came into view as she entered the sun room.

Wanting to distance herself from the city and the memories it held she moved to a smaller place that wasn't too far from her only other offspring and relatives. She had built a nice life for herself that offered more stability.

"And?" I asked even though I had a feeling the news wasn't good I still wanted to be hopeful. She shook her head looking a bit helpless herself, "There's nothing he can do especially when there's a cop's death involved. The man already has so many people breathing down his neck that its forced him to suddenly do his job," she scoffed. If life was set on proving to me that it wasn't willing to make it any easy for us that moment truly solidified the uphill battle in our way. "Just our luck, huh?"

"He did provide Sonny a name for the key witness who gave the police a name for who the gun belonged to immediately placing Nicky at the scene," she replied. Though it wasn't fair when it came to gang warfare as long as it was gangs killing each other some wouldn't really bat an eye especially the police. However, when one of their own gets killed in the crossfire when he wasn't doing anything at all, it's a different story. I had been annoyed that Nicholas hadn't mentioned anything to me about one of the fatalities being some cop who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. "So what are we going to do?"

"We?" she looked at me shocked I had even used such a term, "your focus is to stay healthy and sane."

"But me sitting around twiddling my thumbs won't make him come back," I defended. It felt wrong sitting around just waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately Eva didn't seem to share my sentiment. "So what? You'll go out and threaten the witness whilst putting you and the bab –"

"Look, I get where you're coming from but with each passing day I don't get to hear or see him it affects me," I confessed grabbing her hand firmly. I knew they didn't want me getting involved but I'll be damned if I take the beating without putting up a decent fight.

She pursed her lips looking unsure nibbling her bottom lip. "I was thinking we could go visit him but I wasn't sure if you could handle seeing him like that. I could barely make it through seeing Vic and now with N-Nicky..." she took in a shaky breath closing her eyes to fight against those dreary memories and having history repeat itself. Wrapping an arm around her to show her that I was there, it was imperative that through tough times you have someone there.

Till this day I can't help but feel thankful I had someone there who knew what I was going through. "We can go together. Honestly I don't think I want to be there by myself and neither should you," I concluded.

We spent the rest of that day telling each other to be strong to keep it together and fight the tears no matter how much our resolve wants to yield. After all that I had unknowingly gone through with my little soul only to survive, giving up after coming so far wasn't how our story was meant to end.