Personal Journal – The Researcher - Entry 2

The camera flicks on and the office space looking unchanged. The desk is a mess and the same number of used coffee cups are in the same places as they were previously. The only noticeable difference is the man who is again sitting on the office chair. His chest is unclothed, and his lower half is unseen but there is no evidence of trousers. He is sitting with his head lowered and isn't looking at the camera.

"Shit," he half moans half growls the word, "What the hell did I just do?"

He looks up into the camera as if he's expecting an answer.

"I've never done anything like that before," pain clouds his eyes as he speaks, "I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to come across as tough, confident and in control during this thing but instead I ended up doing, doing that to her."

He exhales and drops his eyes down towards his groin.

"This isn't me," his shoulders bunch up and he looks like he's shrinking in on himself, "It's not an excuse but when she ran out on me, I panicked. With everything in place and with all the pressure I'm under with this dissertation and from the facility, I panicked and didn't think straight. All I could think about was myself. I need to have this research. I can't fail. I couldn't start from scratch. I had to succeed."

He paused and brought his hands up to fold them on the paperwork littering the desk in front of his slumped chest.

"Who am I kidding," he breathed out, "Yes, that's true, I did feel that fear, but I can't deny that my ego played a huge part in what happened. She ran out on me while I was introducing her to my naked body, just after showing her my cock. I felt humiliated. And then when she wanted me to stop, I felt myself losing it. I didn't want to stop. I didn't want her to walk away from me. I couldn't let her go without showing her that I was a man."

"And then I said things," he shook his head, "I did things, that I shouldn't have done."

"I lost control," he closed his eyes and opened them again, "All my lust, my frustrations and my stupidity took over and I took her without thinking of anything but my own pleasure. I'm an idiot."

"I should have stuck to my original plan," he winced, "I wasn't supposed to kiss her. I wasn't supposed to have sex with her today. I wasn't supposed to do it without lubricant or a condom. I had condoms there, but my pride took over and I couldn't think of anything but ejaculating my load into her without anything holding me back."

"That's another thing I've never done," he scoffed a disgusted laugh, "The first time I've been inside a woman without protection and I had to do it like that. I'm worse than an idiot."

"Today was about easing her into this not forcing myself onto her," he winced again, "I've honestly never done anything like that before."

He breathed out and then sat there not saying anything or looking at the camera for a long minute.

"I'm ashamed of myself," he muttered, "I hurt her. I didn't think. I'd been told that it doesn't hurt for long, but I should have been more sensitive to her instead of just ramming myself into her like a sex-starved beast. But, if I'm being truthful, I can't even claim that I continued because I thought it would get better for her. That didn't occur to me. I couldn't think past my own cock and how good it felt as I thrust it into her. I just wanted to cum, end of story."

"I am no better than a beast," he exhaled a long breath, "And I have no idea how I'm going to fix this."