"it's a church of burnt romances,

and I'm too far gone to pray, it's a

solo song and it's only for the brave."

— louis tomlinson

april 5, 2018.

i've been thinking about my dad more than usual recently. it's probably because stan knows. which is fine, i like that he knows. but because he knows and i know that he knows it scares me and i've been just thinking. i haven't thought about smoking in a long time but this morning i woke up with stan next to me and i've been itching for a square all morning. is that bad?

it could mean i'm finally getting over my father's death and going back to old habits. but most of the time going back to old habits isn't a good thing.

richie said his parents go back to old habits a lot. i'm not completely sure what he was talking about but i figured it has to do with why he comes to school with foggy glasses and the smell of rum on him some days. i want to help him but i know i'm not the right person.

i can say stan is the most complex person i have ever met and probably ever will meet. he's scared of his parents knowing about us, but i'm not sure why. they seem understanding and sweet, so i'm confused but i'm not going to push him to talk about it. which is strange, because he doesn't act closeted. he's so free. everything he does is shameless and easy. i'm waiting for him to get cold feet and bolt, and it hasn't been long, but so far, he's stayed put. maybe i just need to let him do things at his own pace before i can feel safe staying.

i think i believe in soulmates. i'm not really sure, but it makes sense. because there's a lot of ways it could be real, right? it could be something in our chemistry, or our genetics. it could have something to do with where our atoms ended up immediately after the creation of the universe. atoms once close just come back together lifetime after lifetime. humans have souls, a consciousness that we can't shed. and when we die, where does all that energy go? all that matter? is it recycled, so we can keep finding the same people? maybe i'm just saying i believe in reincarnation. but not in the sense that we get wiser with each new life. just maybe that we're given a set expanse of people that will mean something in every lifetime.

i think stan is one of those people. i think derry is where we both started.

we fucked last night and i blew him and i'm scared that he won't want to do it again, even though he reassured me over five times before he fell asleep that he really liked it. i'd just never been with a boy like him before. i don't want to ruin it.

being with him makes me happy in the real way, not the hollow, air thin way. i'm scared i'll fuck it up but i can't stop.

today marks four months since i met stan, and i know this sounds like a knockoff of the first line in fucking twilight, but i can say with the utmost confidence that i am both madly in love with him, and that i hate myself for it. but, fuck, how could i not be? i don't know who it is i'm talking to, when i write, maybe some force out there made just to listen to the rambling of lovesick, fucked kids like me, but you have to believe me when i say he's all i think about. stan is like everything good about my home, everything i love about derry, all wrapped up in a human being. it's like god woke up one morning a good seventeen years ago and decided that day he would take some extra care to make someone really fucking special.

i hope he loves me back.

because i get it now; why people write songs about this, why they become addicts when they lose it. i get how it can mess with your whole life, why you'd go to jail to keep someone else safe, why you'd kill to see them happy. i understand it all; every cheesy line in every crappy movie, and all the bad decisions my mother and father made. i get why my mother still hasn't healed from losing my father. why she'll never be the same. i get why people do all of those things. now that i know what it feels like, know for sure; i finally understand.

love ruins you.

*

bill slapped his journal shut and tossed it like it was scorching hot.

he had no idea what time it is but he could see the sunrise vaguely through the trees outside his window and he looked to his right where stan was sleeping and searched his face to see if he was awake. when he was certain stan was still sleeping he closed his eyes and let his hand brush through stan's hair gently.

"tryna wake me up?" stanley grumbled a few minutes, and bill let a laughing breath at his deep voice. "how early is it anyway?" he coughed out a second later, and bill showed the time from his phone at stanley, who blinked profusely at the light.

"oh shit, yeah. we got school in like an hour." stanley huffed in an annoyed tone, leaving bill to only nod as the curly-headed boy got out of bed and picked up his jeans, sliding them on.

"what're you looking at?" stan laughed, pulling on a shirt from bill's closet next, and bill rolled his eyes and sat up in his bed. "y'know, you looking pretty hot not wearing a shirt, you should do it more often." stan said and flirtatiously bit his bottom lip, raising his eyebrows at bill.

bill stood up and slapped stan across the chest, shaking his head at him before he got to his own closet and tried to look for something to wear, but he didn't have much considering most of his clothes were scattered around the room or in his laundry basket.

"you sore?" stan asked, and bill blushed a bit, not preparing to talk about last night at all. he gave stan a so-so sign as he grabbed something to wear to school.

"see you later," stan said after a moment, and bill turned around to find stan at the window, beginning to crawl through, so bill walked over to him and gave him a peck on the lips.

"oh, and the sex was really good last night," stan laughed before he disappeared through the window and ran back to his house, leaving bill flustered and blushing red.

bill sat down on his bed once again and fumbled with his phone, internally freaking out from the night before. first time relationship sex was a big deal for bill, even if stan was more lighthearted about it.

bill:

we had sex.

mike:

was it good?

bill:

good enough for a round 2. and a blowjob.

mike:

damn. then really good. so what's the matter then?

bill:

it just seems too good to be true, i guess.

mike:

what, that he likes you and he's good in bed?

bill:

yeah, sure.

mike:

dw about it. he's probably thinking the same thing.

bill:

he's in the closet.

mike:

he is?

bill:

to his parents.

mike:

right.

bill:

why?

mike:

he's scared? i don't know. shouldn't you ask him?

bill:

i don't want him to talk about it if he doesn't want to. it just sucks a bit that his parents think we're friends.

mike:

yeah, i guess you have a point. he'll come around when his ready.

bill:

ok, thanks.

mike:

np, bro.

bill:

oh and i think i love him.

bill:

is that bad? it's so early.

mike:

i mean you've known him since like january.

bill:

we were official only last month. i'm scared.

mike:

don't be. it's not like you can blurt it out during sex anyway, that's on him.

bill:

fml.

bill shut off his phone and ignored richie's spam texts to the loser's club group chat, which was currently named "chocolate pudding", not sure why, and stood up, heading to his bathroom for a quick shower. he smelled of sex after all.

*

stan was entering his bedroom and leaving from bill's house when his father looked him right in the eye and asked him where he was last night. of course, they both knew his father knew he was with bill, but there was a different look in his father's eye that scared stan. it was like he knew everything. but he couldn't.

bill gulped hard and tried not to think about how his dad could probably smell the sex on him and how he wasn't wearing the same clothes from last night.

"bill's," stan answered honestly, leaning against his bedroom door, wanting to get out of the conversation as soon as possible. he had a feeling he knew where it was going and he didn't like it.

"you've been staying there a lot," his father replied, leaning against the railing of the stairs, almost mimicking stan's movements from moments before. his response was so vague it scared stan. "and when we went to temple on saturday. you two... got along quite well. you were really happy with him there."

"yeah, i like him." stan coughed out, trying to search his father's face for any type of response. stan's message could go either way with his father.

"does your mother know you like him? she's worried about you never being home anymore," stan's father replied, and stan knew that he knew. but they both wouldn't say it yet. stan wasn't sure his father wouldn't say it because stan didn't, or because he simply wouldn't.

stan watched as his father scanned his clothes and his ruffled hair and stan shook his head a bit to get out from his negative thoughts.

"i think she knows. i think she's always kinda known," stan said honestly, rubbing the back of his neck in a way to calm his nerves. bill had told him he did that as a kind of tick when he was nervous. "have you, always known, too?" stan coughed out after a minute of utter silence, internally wishing this conversation would end.

"no. i thought you liked the redhead you are always with," stan's father huffed out, searching the floor and than the ceiling, as if this was a big thing for him to admit, like it wasn't a bigger thing for stan.

"she's dating ben. and her name is beverly. and... i'm not gay." stan blurted out, standing up fully from his bedroom door, staring intently at his dad.

"you're not?"

"i'm not. i just like whoever i want to. there's nothing wrong with that."

"okay," his father replied, standing up fully as well, stepping a bit closer to stan.

"okay," stan replied, before started walking into his room, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"stan?" he heard from the hallway, and stan turned to look at his father, a unreadable expression written on his father's face that sent shivers down stan's spine.

stan walked back towards the hallway and crossed his arms over his chest and sighed, knowing what his father was going to say.

"i know you think it isn't possible. like it's some on and off switch that i can flip any time i want to. like it's a choice for me. but it's not. and i... i love him, okay? i love all of him, and i know it's hard for you to understand how a boy can love another boy, but i do, alright? i really do. and i'm sure, but i can't change that and you can't change me."

mr. uris let out a rather large breath, taking it what stan had said before speaking again. "i don't understand it. i never will. but i'll try my best, okay?"

"that's okay, dad." stan weakly answered back before quickly entering his bathroom and turning on the shower, not bothering to look back at his father in the hallway. he did mean it. it was okay.

as the water sprayed down his face in the shower minutes later, he wondered if that was the end of the conversation. if that was it. he knew it wasn't.

+

dialogue is so fucking

hard to write for me.

i'm sorry i have so

much descriptions, it

just comes easier.

anyway, i love mike.

-penny,, may 24