"We hurt ourselves so that others can't"

Song-trying my best; Anson Seabra

"Where have you been?!" Moms booming voice meets my ears the second I walk through the door. Her, Theo and Grayson all stand in the living room waiting for me.

"On a walk." I mumble, leaning against the door frame.

"You had us worried sick. You can't just leave without telling me." She shakes her head, disappointment written all over her face.

I don't know if it was my fight with Cameron or all my anger from the part couple weeks finally spilling out but I snapped "I'm surprised you even noticed."

"Marlee." Theo stiffens, sending me a warning look.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Mom questions, raising a brow.

"It means you're barley even home enough to say hi, let alone know what's going on!" I know she doesn't deserve it but it's like I don't have control over my words.

"Marlee, stop." Theo demands.

I look at mom and my heart shatters. She looks defeated and deflated. She runs a hand down her face and says "I'm going to give you time to cool off. I love you kiddos. Goodnight."

She disappears down the hall and I watch, frozen. Theo steps in front of me. He looked completely and utterly angry. "What the hell was that?!"

"I-" words can't form in my mouth. God I'm so stupid.

"You know she does all of this for us! You're so selfish!" He yells at me before storming to his room. Grayson stands still, watching me with worried eyes. And I finally broke.

I collapsed to the floor, tears stream down my face. Grayson sits in front of me, placing his hand on mine. "I'm such a horrible person." I repeat over and over while crying. He sits next to me, rubbing my head.

"No you're not. Don't ever think that. You're just hurt and confused." He soothes calmly.

I lean my head on his shoulder and cry for who knows how long. I hurt mom, Theo hates me, cam hates me, all my friends are sick of taking care of me and all of its my fault.

It would be better if I just disappeared.

"Let's get you to bed." Grayson whispers, standing up and helping me. My stomach cramps up from crying so much. My eyes were puffy and a dull ache was in my head.

He walks me to my room and gets my medicine and a water. My voice was coarse "thank you"

He sits next to me, watching me drink my water. "Do you want me to stay in here tonight?"

Feeling relived I don't have to be alone, I nod my head. He flicks off the lights and lays down. I lay down too and fall asleep soon after.

I feel completely broken.

The days all blend together. I'm not speaking to anyone, not doing my school work or checking my phone. I can't bring myself to even look at mom or Theo. Grayson sleeps in my room every night.

He makes sure I eat and take my medicine. I try to do it myself but I can't. It's like the smallest things take so much energy. All my friends try to come but I tell Grayson to not let them in. He tries to convince me to see them but when I refuse he agrees.

There are no words to express how thankful I am for my little brother. He's the only thing holding me together right now. The only person I talk to, the only person who can help me sleep.

Which I why I have to be strong for him.

I tried as hard as I could to get out of bed and get dressed or clean up my room but it was too much. I gave up halfway through feeling defeated. I don't know what's wrong with me, it's not that hard but it feels impossible.

After 4 days of only leaving my room to go to the bathroom and staying in bed all day, mom forces her way into my room. I was half asleep when she walked in, kicking some clothes to the side. She lays next to me, breathing hollowly.

"Mom?" I whisper, opening both of my eyes.

"Yeah baby?" She says softly, brushing a piece of hair away from my face.

"I'm sorry." I admit truthfully.

"I know honey, I know." I lean into her and she runs her fingers through my hair.

"I didn't mean it. I promise. I know you do what you do for us." I ramble, hugging her tightly.

"You were just hurting and needed to let it out."

"Do you hate me?" I look up at her with tearful eyes. She smiles and wipes a stray tear away.

"I could never hate you, you're my little girl."

Suddenly I felt a tiny bit better.

I cleaned my room. It may not seem like a big thing but two days ago it felt impossible. Mom and Grayson are the only people I've been talking to but I'm really trying to work my way up. As I'm sitting on my bed, finishing my last braid Theo knocks on my door.

"Come in!" I call, looking up. He walks in and sits next to me. We haven't talked since the other night. Granted I only talked to Grayson.

"Hey" he taps his fingers in his knees.

"Look I wanted to-"

"Look I wanted to-"

We both say at the same time and then freeze. A small laugh bubbles at my throat and so does Theo. I shake my head, smiling "Grayson right, that is creepy."

"Totally creepy." Theo agrees. "But what I wanted to say is I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I shouldn't of snapped at you. You didn't deserve that." He explains, sighing with a guilty look.

"But I did deserve it. I was a total bitch to mom." I laugh lightheartedly.

"You aren't wrong there." He nudges my shoulder. "But I was being a bitch too so we're even."

"Good, I missed you."

"I missed you too dumbass."

I hit Theo in the back of his head. He winces and rubs the spot I hit. Drama queen.

"Marlee, can you come to the kitchen please?" Mom calls loudly later that night. Gray and Theo were both at practice. I got up from my bed and went to the kitchen where mom was drinking a glass of hot tea from a blue mug.

"Yeah?" I ask, sitting across from her.

"So I was thinking..." she drums her fingers on the table. "That maybe you should go see someone?"

"I see people all the time." I retort playfully.

"I mean like a professional." She informs me. "I found a couple good therapist in town."

"You think I need therapy?" I question, my brows drawing together.

"Sweetie" she grabs my hand on top of the table. "Everyone needs therapy, it's good to get it out and talk to someone."

"I don't need therapy." I protest, stiffening. "I thought I was doing better?"

"You are"

"Then why do you want me to go?"

"Because your better now but you might not be in a couple weeks or a couple months. I just want you to be happy." She looks at me with loving eyes.

"And I am, or at least I'm trying." I tell her, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I'm so proud of you for that but I don't want what happened the other day to happen again." Her voice was in a pleading tone.

"It won't, I promise. I don't want to go to therapy."

"Just think about it?" She asks as I stand up from the table.

"I will." I lie.

Going to a complete stranger and talking about my problems for an hour sounds like torture. Plus we can barley get by now, how would we pay for the bills. I'm working on myself and I can get through this myself. I know I can.

I went back to school the next week and things were back to "normal" besides the fact that Cam can't even look at me. Everything I catch his gaze he looks away with guilt filled eyes.

After I survived my first full week, all of us piled into Bris grandmas van and drove two hours out of town. It was the state track tournament and Addie was one of the contestants.

If she did good she got the chance to a scholarship at a boarding school for athletic girls next year. As much as I don't want her to miss our senior year, she's really excited so we're all here to support her.

We drop her off at the track and go to grab some lunch before heading back. We find a row of seats in the front (and by find I mean Asher scared the 14 year olds sitting there). We all waited with anticipation bubbling inside of us. Bri and Miles sat on each side of me.

Asher had Addies track number painted across his face, a shirt with her face on it and was screaming the entire time. Even though he acts like he can't stand her you can tell he adores his little sister.

The second Addie could be seen we all screamed at the top of our lungs. Bri recorded the entire thing and said she was going to post it everywhere. When Addie started running we all yelled so loud we could be heard from California.

Addie won and got the scholarship. It was bittersweet but at least she didn't have to leave until the end of the summer. On the ride home we all celebrated by playing throwback songs and singing them with our already hoarse voices. A genuine smile appeared on my face for the first time in a while.

The next week passes quickly and rather mundane. It felt good being able to spend time with my family and friends without having to keep secrets or fake smile. Although the only person who would make me feel completely like me again isn't speaking to me.

It's like I'm not even there. He'll talk to everyone else normally, laughing and making jokes. When it comes to me he just avoids me. I honestly sucks.

For some reason our school decided to host another dance. This ones theme was sock hop themed. All of the girls were wearing the poofy dresses and their hair curled perfectly. The guys gelled their hair and were leather jackets with white shirts.

I was wearing a pink dress with light makeup and of course, converse. We met Cam and Connor at their house. My jaw practically dropped when I saw Cam with his gelled hair, white muscle tee-shirt and a leather jacket.

Then I remembered I'm pissed at him and pushed all the butterflies out of my stomach.

We met everyone else at the dance, taking a bunch of pictures outside and inside the photo booth before going into the gym. It was decorated as an old diner. The stage looked like a giant jukebox where a band sat. The band started playing music and I dance with my friends until Serena came on stage.

"I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight." She smiles sweetly in a sock-hop dress that was majorly altered to show half of her boobs and barley went down her thigh. "In honor of it being our 50th dance since the school opened 20 years ago, I put together a little video of some of the memories."

Everyone in the gym went back to their seats as the video started playing on the projector. There were pictures from all of the school dances over the years. I nudged Connor and Grayson when a picture or Sara and mom in crazy dresses with crimped hair popped up. We all sniggered as more pictures passed.

Finally some where we were in it popped up. Cam and I during our freshman year, slow dancing. Theo dancing on the table with Addie, both drunk from way to much spiked punch. Miles being forced to dance by Bri and I.

The one popped up that immediately wiped the smile off of my face. Evan and I were on the screen, he was kissing my cheek and his arm was wrapped around my waist. I spotted the bruise on my face that I attempted to cover with makeup.

My eyes meet Serena and she smirks evilly.

Not being able to think straight, I abruptly stand up and leave the gym without saying anything. I run down the hall and loop to Sara's room that's locked. I slide down in front of her door.

My chest tightens and the room closes in on me. It's like I can't breath. No matter how much I try to catch my breath it doesn't steady. The hall around me disappears and I place my hands on the floor, trying to not fall over.

Footsteps sound but I can barley hear them over my thoughts. My eyes are closed and my head is tucked between my knees. Warm hands get placed on my knees and I hear Cameron's soothing voice.

"Breath Marlee, you gotta breath." He soothes.

I look up and my eyes meet his. I shake my head "I-I can't."

"Yes you can, follow after me." He takes a deep breath and I mimic it. We do that for a few minutes until my surroundings return and I can breath again. "There you go." He smiles at me.

When I'm calmed enough to talk I realize I'm also calmed enough to be angry. I push his hands off of me and cross my arms. "Why are you here?"

"Because you ran out of the gym and I knew something was wrong." He moves to sit next to me. We both stare at the lockers in front of us.

"So now you care?" I say harshly, wrapping my arms around my knees.

"I've always cared and you know that." He huffs, bending his legs.

"You didn't care when I was in the hospital, or when I couldn't get out of bed for days."

I knew someone told him about 2 weeks ago. Theo with his loud mouth or Connor since he tells Cam everything.

"You don't think I wanted to be there with you?!" His voice raises at me and he turns his head to face me.

"Apparently not." I face him, narrowing my eyes.

"I just couldn't." He shakes his head, his eyes filled with guilt again.

"Was there some invisible force field stopping you from coming near me?" I joke with a cold tone.

"You don't understand." Cam sighs, running a hand down his face.

"Care to enlighten me?"

He seems to contemplate for a moment before speaking "it was my fault you were in the hospital"

"I'm sorry, what?"

Has he lost his last brain cell.

"I knew something was up with you but I didn't say anything. Instead I kissed you, confusing you even more and making everything more complicated. I'm a compete asshole."

"You are an asshole but not because of that." I snort, a half smile forms on his face. "I was the one who kept it a secret, I was the one who didn't take care of myself and I was the one who pushed you away. Key word: I"

"I just wish I could've helped you."

"You could help me by being you and being with me. That's what helps me." I lean my head on his shoulder and he leans his on mine.

"I'm sorry for not being there." He tells me, interlocking our fingers.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away" I squeeze his hand.

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, allowing me to gather my thoughts. His presence made me feel better almost immediately as cliche as it sounds. And then a realization comes to me. Mom was right.

"Hey cam?"

"Yeah Lee?"

"I think I need help"