"Have you ever craved someone so much you literally ache?"

Song- Burning Pile; Mother Mother

When I return back downstairs, the kids were all inside watching a Christmas movie in the living room. All the parents had glasses of wine and were in the dining room, talking. We only see Cams family once or twice a year but they are some of the kindest people I know.

I go into the living room where a few of Cams younger cousins hug me and the older ones say hi. My favorite of his cousins in Jack. He's 4 now and the cutest thing ever. The best part about him is that he has no filter.

He once said that one of his uncle were pregnant because he had a big belly and we had to explain that boys couldn't get pregnant. We all laughed about it so hard we were in tears. Jack sits in my lap and watches the movie until food was ready.

When they called for us, all the kids jumped up and ran to the kitchen. Cam looked over at me and I sent him a awkward smile which he returned with a head nod.

Dinner was chaotic like always. Everyone sprawled out around the house eating and chatting. I told mom I took my sugar even though I knew I didn't.

After a game of dirty Santa and everyone getting stuffed on moms desserts, all of Cams family went home. Once they left, we helped clean up before saying Goodnight even though we would see them the next day.

Usually uncle James and Caleb come down but they called and said there was a emergency with some friends in London and not to worry but they weren't going to make it.

Yesterday a package arrived with all of our presents that we placed under the tree. When we got home, we all went to our rooms and changed into Christmas pajamas before eating some cookies that we baked for Santa.

I walk into my room and spot a present I hadn't seen earlier on my bed. I pick it up and open it. When I do I almost scream in shock. A light pink shirt was folded nicely in the little box.

I immediately remembered what the shirt was from. It was the same shirt I was wearing the day Evan first forced himself on me. I felt all the progress I made that day dissolve away as I gripped the shirt in my hands.

Before I knew what I was doing, I left my room. Grabbing a match and some lighter fluid from the cabinet, I went outside. I walked straight for our little burn pile we had in the yard and threw the shirt on it.

Next I poured the lighter fluid all over it. The match sat between my fingers and I twirled it a couple times. I then lit the match and threw it onto the shirt.

As it engulfed in flames, I sat on the ground watching it. It was extremely cold outside but it didn't match the coldness I felt inside. The numbness within me grew each day Evan texted or called. Every time he drove past the house or left something so I knew he was there.

It chipped a little piece of me away and I this point I don't know how much of me is left.

When the fire fizzled into a stream of gray smoke, clouding the clear night sky. I brushed myself off and went inside, locking the door behind me. Remembering the presents hidden in my room, I place them under the tree before going to bed.

Christmas morning I was woken up to Grayson and Theo singing Christmas songs. We all meet in the living room and open presents. When Grayson opened his from me, which was a new baseball bat, he tackled me in a hug.

I got mom some earrings I found at a thrift store and she loved them. We all exchanged our gifts when the door opened and the Taylor family came marching in with presents and large smiles.

They were all also in their pajamas since we never get dressed in Christmas. We gave each other even more presents but I saved Cams for last. When he opened his, my eyes were glued to him.

He smiled widely and held up the baseball glove I got him with his name engraved in it. His old one was held together by duck tape and gorilla glue so I figured it was time for a new one.

He gave me an awkward hug, not sure how to act after yesterday. After all the presents were given out and Dave had picked up all the wrapping paper, we went to the kitchen and ate cinnamon rolls.

I kept to myself most of the day, not feeling like participating in all the games they were playing. I was afraid the dark cloud that stuck to me would spread to them if I did.

Next thing I knew, Christmas was over and I was alone in my room for another sleepless night.

Cams birthday was on December 28th, 3 days after Christmas. He was turning 17 but he just wanted a small party at the diner. It had gotten a lot less awkward between us and we were almost back to our normal selves but there was this tension.

On his birthday I made sure to post the most horrible pictures of us I could find. The ones where we were both crying in moms arms when we were baby's. The one where we were hanging on the monkey bars upside down with our front teeth missing.

Another one when we went to the beach and we were both badly sunburned. I posted so many picture it took me most the morning. After I quickly got ready and grabbed his present.

Theo and him went to a party last night in honor of his birthday. Grayson and I walked over to the Taylor's where the 3 boys waited outside.

"Hey gramps!"'I called to Cam when I got close enough "how's it feel to be old?"

"I already feel the bad back and hearing kicking in." He jokes, hugging me.

"We can get you a hearing aid." I wink "happy birthday Cami."

"Thanks Lee."

"Ugh, are you guys ready to go? I'm hungry." Theo stomps his foot in annoyed manor.

"You're always hungry." Connor comments, stepping off of the porch.

"That's because I'm a growing boy."

"If you grow anymore we're gonna need a bigger house." I wiggle my eyebrows and everyone besides Theo laughs.

"Can we just go?"

The diner was completely decorated in balloons and streamers, something I had done the night before as a little surprise with the help of Dave and Sara. No one else was there that day besides a cook and Carol. A large cake sat in our regular corner booth.

"Surprise!" I look up to Cam. Joy was written all over his face.

"You did this for me?" He asks in shock.

"No, I did it for another Cameron." I point to the banner that has happy birthday Cameron!!! written across it. He scoops me into his arms and spins me around.

"Thank you"

"It's really no big deal." I shrug "most of the decorations were from the dollar store."

"I think it's perfect." He wraps his arm around me and I knew that we were back to normal. Cam and Marlee against the world like always.

Addie, Asher, Brianna and Miles all show up a couple minutes later with presents. They all tell Cam happy birthday and set his presents on a separate table. We sit down and Carol soon brings out food for everyone.

A playlist I made plays over the speakers in the restaurant. Once we're all done eating, we dance around the diner singing along. When we're all exhausted and out of breath we sit at the other table so Cam can open his presents.

All around it was a pretty great birthday for him. I could tell by the way he was talking and acting. We ate the entire cake ourselves (of course sharing with Carol and the cook). When we left the diner we all went to my house.

At my house the living room was set up as a giant fort. Blankets and pillows took up the majority of the room. Addie and Theo dove in immediately along with Connor and Grayson.

"You did this too?" Cam stared at the fort.

"I know, my fort making skills are impeccable." I nudge his shoulder.

"Come on Cam! Join the party!" Asher urges, peaking his head out of the fort. Cam and I both crawl into the fort. Inside the fort, lights hung around. Snacks sat in the edge of it with a couple bottles of alcohol. "That-" Asher points to the vodka "was my idea"

Mom had night shift tonight so we had the house to ourselves. After a lot of convincing we decided to let Connor and Grayson drink too. I didn't want to but we were all younger than them when we drunk. Plus I'd rather them be home than somewhere else. And the fact that Connor accidentally mentioned that they'd already drunk before.

I gave them a limit and said if they went over it they would be murdered by me the next morning. We played random drinking games including a alcoholic version of candy land and charades.

Don't ask me how we made kid games a drinking game. I honestly have no idea.

I pulled a double purple from the deck and they all gasped. Bri handed me a bottle and said "double purple, drink up."

"I seriously don't understand this game." Miles shakes his head with a small laugh.

"Just drink Mar."

They all start chanting "drink" repeatedly. I chuckles and pour the alcohol in my mouth while holding my middle finger in the air at them. They all cheer as the harsh liquid slides down my throat.

An hour later we were all super duper drunk.

Super duper.

Suppppper dupppper.

Wait. What was I saying?

"Awe, there's no more fun juice." Bri pouts, flipping over the empty bottle.

"Now I'm sad." Addie leans back dramatically, placing a hand on her head.

"We should watch a movie!" Miles suggests.

"Oh! A scary one!" I add, grabbing the remote.

"Wait! We have to let Cam decide." Grayson slurs out, leaning against Bri who pinches his cheek and makes baby noises at him.

"Yeah, it's his... something." Connor trails off, a confused look rest on his face.

"Birthday! It's my birthday bitches!" Cam shouts and we all erupt in cheers.

"You're getting so old." I sniffle, launching myself onto him.

"I know, I'm gonna be a like an adult soon"

"Scary"

"Mega scary"

"So what are we watching?" Asher asks, dumping a bunch of chips into his mouth.

"Um" Cam taps his chin. "A scary movie."

We all once again cheer and pick a movie that has a women with a really bad haircut and all black eyes on the cover.

The movie was good.. I think. I can't really remember.

I do remember that Theo cried because of it. Grayson and Connor passed out in the first 5 minutes, Asher and Bri talked the whole time and Miles, Cam and I laughed the entire movie.

Then we all woke up the next morning with a huge hangover.

New Years had passed just the same as every other year. All my friends went to a party and I stayed home obsessing over Evan and how to get him to stop. Of course I came up with nothing.

New Year's Day I was helping Cam watch Ella while his parents were out on a date a couple hours away. Cam was in the kitchen making some food while I sat on the floor with Ella.

She was playing with toys while watching a very interesting children's show. She was standing, using the coffee table to balance herself. I glance from the tv to Ella as she removes one of her hands from the table.

Then her other hand lets go of the table. A large grins on her face as she raises one foot. My smile widens when she takes a step, and then another.

"Good job Ella Bella, you're walking!" She giggles and takes another step. "Cam! Get in here, hurry!" I shout "come on Ella" I scoot back a little so she can walk more.

"What's going on?" Cam rushed into the living room. He freezes when he sees Ella. "Els you're walking!" He says in disbelief, sitting next to me. She goes to take another step and falls.

Cam and I exchange worried looks but she pushes herself up and waddles into Cams arms. He lifts her up with a joyful and proud look. I made sure to get a video when she walked over to me and send it to the family group chat with all of our parents and siblings.

Cam holds my hand and looks up at me with loving eyes before muttering "baby steps"