05/29/2016

chapter thirty ;

♡

A terrible yearning dwelled deep in my chest – my heart was breaking.

A soft breeze pushed the bangs from my tear-filled eyes. I sat on the edge of the porch, watching as Luke and our father stuffed the final boxes into the U-Haul. The idea of moving back to Tennessee had secretly excited me – but now that it was happening, and I realized that I was truly about to leave behind everything I'd built, there was no greater nightmare.

Every day between now and the day of the news of my moving had been filled to the brim with great memories. Not a day passed that I did not spend with all of my friends. And not a day passed that I did not sleep with Benny at my side.

We'd come to an agreement, Benny and I. One day we would meet again – we would – but until that time, a long-distance relationship would not work. Time would heal, and if fate tied us together, then it would. Until then . . . nothing was certain.

Now Benny sat beside me, eyes trained on the truck. Our locked hands rested in his lap. The air between us was silent, even though there was doubtless so much to say. But what could we say, really? I'll miss you, but there's a chance we'll never see each other again. How was I ever supposed to deal with that?

It was a warm, beautiful day, the sun shining at a blinding brilliance, unveiled by clouds. And it worked out, because all I wanted to do was close my eyes long enough to sink into shadow. I wanted my family to make a last-minute change of heart, and if not, then to simply leave me behind. A life without my new friends and Benny felt unreal, despite the fact that I was only returning to my old life.

Nothing would ever be the same. I could not accept that just yet.

Benny squeezed my hand gently. "I wish this was a dream," he sighed, as gentle as the breeze.

A lump of nausea rose in my throat, and I swallowed it back with an effort. Not trusting myself to speak, I simply squeezed his hand in return.

"But," he continued, eyes turning to land on the side of my face, "if it isn't . . . it'll be okay. Eventually. You know? You'll find someone who makes you happy, and soon enough you won't think about me at all."

A short, disgusted scoff escaped my lips, and I met his eyes with my own. "What happened to your confidence that we'd meet again?"

He shrugged. "It's still there, but I have no idea when that'll be. We don't know what will come in between that time. Things change, you know? I'll never forget about you, and I'll never stop loving you, but I want you to be happy. I don't want you to let me hold you back from living your life."

I turned, for fear that he would notice the pain that choked me up. Still I managed to whisper, "I don't know how I'll live a life without you in it. You give me purpose."

Just then, a loud whistle pierced the air. In the near distance, a large group neared the house. Bertram was in the lead, his long legs giving him a greater advantage than most of the smaller boys. Kenny's hands were stuffed into his pockets, head hung low, and he was near the back of the group.

Releasing a ragged sigh, I turned to look at Benny. The sadness in his eyes was as clear as the weather, yet he flashed me a smile.

"Go say your goodbyes," he said, releasing my hand. "But I want to be the last."

I hadn't expected this day to be so depressing. Wiping away the dust that most likely did not reside on my jeans, I hopped to the ground and made my way out into my yard.

Bertram reached me in moments, considering he had broken into a jog. He crashed into me, nearly pulling us both to the ground. A laugh escaped my throat anyway, and my arms flew around Bertram.

"You always do that!" I laughed again, this one full of emotion. My throat tightened, and I nearly broke into tears on the spot. Dear Bertram. How would I survive without him?

His hands tangled in my curls. Although I could not see his face, I knew he was smiling. "I'll do it again one day. Count on it."

Again I laughed, relieving some of the pain in my tight throat. "One of these days, we're going to take a roll in the dirt."

Bertram pulled away, only to plant a large kiss on my forehead, resulting in my giggling. "I'm ready for that day."

Ham pulled Bertram away surprisingly easily – Well, it wasn't that surprising, considering Bertram was a beanpole. The redhead greeted me with a cool smile. "Gonna miss me?" When I smiled, he said, "I'm gonna miss you."

"I'll miss you more," I laughed, pulling the boy into a hug. He hugged back tightly, and he even lifted me into the air a bit.

Still holding onto me, head buried on my shoulder, Ham said, "I'm sorry I was an asshole that first day you came onto the sandlot. Back then I didn't know you'd become my bestest friend."

The laughs would not cease. "It's all right, Ham, that was almost a year ago."

"And thank you for taking my bet," he continued, never loosening his embrace. "Thanks for hitting a homer. Who knows what would have happened if you didn't."

"You think she'd give up that easy?" Squints' voice rang clear, just behind Ham. He peeked over the redhead's shoulder, flashing me a smile. "No, even if she didn't win the bet, she would still have become our best friend. She wouldn't have let us win."

A new voice spoke then: Timmy. "We won by losing," he said, matter-of-factly. "If we'd won the bet and she'd left us alone . . . well, you know."

Since Ham was simply not going to let me go, I grinned and held out my arms. Both Timmy and Squints walked into them, wrapping themselves around me and Ham. Soon the rest of the group followed suit, and all of the boys' voices blended in pleads to stay and sorrowful goodbyes. Promises to see me later.

After a while, the boys released me. A quick glance at the house told me that my parents were ready. Elizabeth stood beside Luke's car, wrapped in his embrace. Mom watched me from the car she would be driving, while Terry – well, Dad – drove the U-Haul; Luke, of course, would be driving his own car. It would be a long journey, and I chose to spend the ride with Luke. Honestly, I held a bit of a grudge against my parents for making us move. Because if Luke and I had a choice, we would have been tying on the decision – except we would have chosen to stay.

Benny was still on the porch, though he stood now, arms crossed over his black T-shirt. Before I could tear my eyes away, he descended onto the ground; assuming he would arrive at my side in moments, I turned to face the last one.

Kenny stared at me with sad, sad eyes, although there was a certain light in them. The boys, knowing how close Kenny and I were, moved to give me room to him. He opened his arms, and I walked into them without a moment's hesitation.

He was warm, as always, and smelled faintly of coconut. I closed my eyes, resting my chin on his shoulder. Kenny I would miss more than anyone – well, almost anyone.

"Promise we'll keep in touch forever," I sighed.

"I promise," he mumbled, rubbing my back in a comforting circle. "Don't sound so sad about it. We'll see each other again. Soon. I can feel it."

A sad smile formed on my mouth, one I was grateful no one else could see. "I hope you're right. I don't know how long I'll survive this." In a whisper, I added, "I'll miss you the most."

Kenny chuckled. "What's so special about me?"

"You really have to ask that?"

He smiled – I felt the tilt of his cheekbones. "So dawn goes down to day," he whispered. "Nothing gold can stay."

I pulled away from him then, and fixed him with a smile. "Our friendship is gold. That'll stay forever."

Kenny's dark eyes sparkled, and he nodded, a smile on his mouth. "Yeah, it will." And he leaned forward, brushed his lips against my forehead, just where Bertram had. Then he moved away.

There Benny stood, just having reached me. He breathed heavily, as if he had been running. It was only when I spotted what he was carrying that I realized that he'd gone into his own house.

"Here," he said, and held out the white, faintly-stained fabric. "I wanted you to have this."

Shock nearly consumed me. Nevertheless I reached out to take the jersey. "Benny . . . really? Your jersey? But . . . you love this jersey."

Benny's lips curled weakly. "Yeah. And I love you. And I want you to keep it. That way you'll have a way to carry me with you everywhere you go."

"I already could have done that," I said, the tears threatening to spill now. I hugged the jersey to my chest, just over my heart. "A piece of my soul is you. A piece of my heart is you. You could never leave me, Benny Rodriguez, not even if you tried."

For once, none of the boys showed signs of discomfort at mine and Benny's affection. Wordless, face twisted with strong emotion, Benny pulled me toward him and kissed me. There were no groans or sighs of annoyance this time.

My parents did not call out to rush me, but the sight of them waiting by the vehicles spoke clearly. The more dominant part of me wanted to stand here forever, to force them to go without me – but I knew I had to go. And I had to go now, because if I stayed much longer, I would never have the willpower to force myself away.

"Thank you all," I said, voice shaking, "for giving me a life I love. It hasn't been perfect in some places, but . . . close enough."

We all joined together for one final group hug, several of us – including me – spilling tears now. Then I forced myself to go say goodbye to Elizabeth, and then get into Luke's car. Benny followed, and held my hand to the very last moment. His lasts words to me were: "You give me purpose." And then we left.

Tears streamed steadily down my face, especially at the sight of the Sandlot Boys and Liz standing in what used to be my yard. They faded from view like ghosts. Suddenly they were a thing of the past.

be sure to read FALL, book 3 of 'all that matters.' (:

i've just realized how horrible i am at writing goodbyes. i'm sorry. 'purpose' has come to an end, and i thank you all for reading it through. (: thanks to the people who have made the numbers grow. i remember writing 'all that matters' after watching the sandlot for the first time in a while, never expecting it to go anywhere at all. now it's got 249k reads, 7.41k votes, and 7.24k comments. i've never felt so accomplished, so thank you.

(and, to record this for future reference, 'purpose' currently has 27.k reads, 1.07k votes, and 756 comments. thank you all for getting me here.)

10/12/2017