04/02/2016

chapter twenty-seven ;

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always managed to thoroughly unsettle me. Despite the fact that I had not watched any of the Halloween movies in months, Michael Myers haunted my dreams. I woke with a start when he stabbed me and Luke in the back simultaneously.

Not really sure how he did that with one knife, but Michael Myers is Michael Myers.

The previous night I had pulled my hair into a bun, but baby hairs were a pain in the ass; the shorter hairs that had escaped the bun clung to the back of my neck with sweat. I sat up on my bed, grimacing at the feeling.

The sun had only just rose, shining dully. Even still, I refrained from lying back down. I had no desire to take the chances of being murdered by Michael Myers again. Granted, I did respawn in the dream, but the pain felt real, and the fear as well. Truly I was afraid of watching my brother die.

Death was not so unreachable. Before Leon's demise, I'd never imagined anyone close to me dying so young. After him, the realization that anyone could be taken from me at any moment bore itself into my mind – but I had only been twelve years old at the time. After the agony of his death finally numbed and I could return to a normal life, I carried the knowledge with me that someone I loved could die at any given moment . . . but then there was that naïve hope that I would not lose someone else I held dear so soon. That had been Lynn. And it could be my brother, too, even in this moment.

Without giving myself the proper time to fully awake, I dropped to the ground and went to Luke's bedroom. His door was closed tight, and I prayed in my mind as I slowly opened it. I was terrified of finding him dead. I could not imagine what Benny must have felt, finding his mother so cold and still.

Fortunately, Luke was very much alive. He was wildly sprawled across his covers, arms and legs spread wide like a bird, and his mouth hung agape. The funniest part of the scene was Liz, who slept comfortably beneath one of Luke's arms. Even in sleep, she clung to him.

A warm smile played on my mouth, and I recalled the day Benny had told me he loved me. He had mentioned that it would be cool should Luke and Elizabeth become a couple. Thinking about it now, it would be slightly odd if we'd all married. Before Benny could become my husband, he would be my brother-in-law.

But Benny and I would never marry. We would never have a honeymoon in Paris, would never be able to bring Lynn along with us. A sharp pain stabbed my heart, and I closed the door behind myself.

Nearly three months – that was how long it had been since Benny broke up with me. In that short amount of time we had become strangers. Whenever he bothered to show up for class, he never bothered to speak to me, unless he absolutely needed to. Ever since the night we last walked home together, he had only asked me for paper and scissors and notes for the classes he had missed. All I could do was cling to the fact that he had asked me, of everyone.

But there was always the nagging tug of my gut. Benny hated me, and I had no idea how to cope with it. No idea how to understand why. Lynn had died, and suddenly his feelings for me simply vanished into thin air. I could not make any sense of it. He'd left me without an explanation.

I planned to ask him for one.

After showering and dressing and snapping a photo of Luke for leverage, I went downstairs and out of the door. The air was warm and wonderful; spring was in full swing, and summer fast approached.

The distance between Benny's house and mine seemed to stretch. Only when I arrived on his porch did I realize how nervous I was. The previous night, I was awoken by a booming noise. A glance out of the window told me that it was Ezra Lakeman, most likely, dropping Benny off at his house, music at full volume. Considering the hour, I doubted Benny would be awake now. Under normal circumstances, he would be, but . . . these were clearly not normal circumstances.

I knocked on the door three times, each time growing louder and louder. No one ever came to the door, however, so, after a while, I simply walked inside. Benny must have forgotten to lock the door. Probably that never crossed his mind anyway; Elizabeth was the only one left to scold him, and she was always working or with Luke.

As I mounted the staircase, I pitied Benny. What must it feel like to lose your mother and hardly ever see your sister anymore? Admittedly, he did bring the latter onto himself by never spending time at home, but still.

Sure enough, after pushing open Benny's already cracked door, my eyes landed upon his sleeping form. Similar to Luke, he lay atop his covers. Contrary to Luke, he did not look like a madman. Benny looked much more gentle in sleep, more fragile.

Like the creepy person I probably was, I took a moment to study Benny. It had been so long since I'd been given the opportunity, so long since I had seen him asleep. His plump lips pressed together in a soft line; his dark hair, freshly cut, fell away from his face in thick waves; and his eyelashes, dark and pretty, brushed his smooth, olive cheeks.

He was so beautiful. And I knew that I would never, could never stop loving him. Even after all he had put me through, for him my heart was tender and warm. Looking at him was like looking at the pages of my favorite book. It was like fighting over the remote with Luke, and spilling every detail of my life to my mother, and bonding over television shows with my father. It was like playing baseball at the sandlot with my most cherished friends.

Forever Benny would be my home.

It was not something that could be helped – or, at least, I hadn't found a way to rid myself of Benny. Doing so would surely benefit me. There was nothing left of him for me. He had made this clear.

So, after trying to shake the image of his sleeping face from my mind while also committing it to my permanent memory, I shook him awake.

His hazel eyes were like a slap to my face. Benny saw me and surprise flickered across his glazed eyes, and then he closed them again.

"What are you doing here?" he drawled, voice coated in light but unmistakable annoyance.

How did I answer? Oh, I've just been thinking after three months, and I want to know why you broke up with me. Yes, it's been on my mind all this time. That wouldn't do. If he had no interest, I didn't want to make myself look like a fool and show how much I truly did care.

"I'm here to torture you," I said, surprisingly calm. "Can you sit up?"

"No, not really."

With a sigh, I dropped onto the side of the bed. "I'm not trying to woo you back to me. I just want to set things right."

Benny said nothing, only threw an arm over his eyes. After a moment of silence, he said, "I'm listening."

"It's not my fault," I began. "I know it isn't. You asked for space – I gave it to you. I was never unfaithful. I'd like to think I didn't bother you too much. Sure, you didn't agree with everything I did, but if you truly complained, I would have done anything for you. Anything."

"Sounds like pleading to me," Benny grumbled.

I rolled my eyes, though he could not see it. Rather than asking him not to interrupt, I simply continued as if he had not spoken a word.

"And I know you loved me." At these words, I noticed, Benny tensed. His breaths became shallow, forced. "I've never been able to say that about someone with confidence. I used to doubt I was truly lovable, but you . . . It's not something you can fake, Benny. I know you loved me."

Tense silence. And then: "Okay." Benny's tone was dull. "How does that relate to this?"

"Because, stupid. You loved me, and that doesn't just go away so quickly. Unless your heart doesn't work like mine, and I know it does, for the most part, I can't put the pieces together. I'll tell you that I still love you, because even after everything, I feel comfortable to tell you anything. Because I love you, and you're still like a piece of me. But what changed in you? How did you fall out of love so quickly? Please tell me. Maybe it'll help me, too."

Benny uncovered his eyes to stare at me. "I don't feel anything anymore." His voice was low and tired. "You're right – it wasn't your fault. I broke up with you because I can't feel my love for you anymore, and I'd never want to hurt you that way. Understand?"

After swallowing back a lump in my throat, I responded: "You didn't want to be with me because you didn't want to . . . like, lead me on?"

He nodded, finally pulling himself into a sitting position. He chafed his bare arms, T-shirt falling loosely over his stomach. "Yeah, it's like that."

"So when you look at me . . . you don't feel anything?"

Benny shook his head, expression remaining flat. "Nothing."

"But you see that it isn't true, right?" My brows pulled together into a deep frown. "Maybe we really aren't meant to be, but . . ."

"But what?"

I held Benny's gaze evenly. "You have to feel it sometime. Your mom died, Benny. You have to face it."

Benny's face twisted with a mixture of shock and anger. "Where did that come from? You think I don't – ?"

"Face it, Benny," I broke in, my voice soft but hard with finality. "Not just smoke and drink away your feelings. You're hiding from it. The only way you'll ever recover is if you let yourself feel it."

Again the boy closed his eyes, this time to control his anger. He pressed his fingers into his temples.

"Everyone's felt it," I said, as softly as I could. "Everyone but you. And look at everyone . . . Then look at you. This is the furthest thing from what she wanted, Benny, you know it's true. Of course she isn't here to tell you otherwise, but I promised her I would look out for you, and I have been. By the way, I don't like Kit, thank you very much."

Benny's mouth lifted into the ghost of a smile, but it flattened very quickly. "I don't want to hear any more of this." He fell back onto the bed, turning away from me. "Just go. Please."

Every nerve in my body told me to stay, but I respected his wishes. My words of goodbye were: "Let it in. It sucks, but you have to do it. Or it'll kill you."

The door closed behind me, and I had no idea that Benny was crying.

♡

this book is reaching its end. very, very soon. like, probably in the next two chapters. i have so much planned for the third book, though. say you'll wait for me. (:

CRUSH TIME! this one will be short. long story short, my blond crush was sitting beside me in chemistry, and he mirrored my movements. if i slid down in my chair, he would do the same thing. if i straightened up, he would do the same thing. i just looked it up, and apparently it means that person likes you? idk, we weren't talking when it happened, but STILL.

and my other crush...my sister witnessed him flirting with me. so now i know i'm not just going crazy. 😂

October 8, 2017