02/21/2016

chapter twenty-six ;

♡

through my curls, while my head rested in her lap. She smelled wonderful, and her fingers worked wonders. And not in a dirty way. Not that I knew.

"He didn't even care," I grumbled. "I mean, it's not like I was trying to make him jealous in the first place, but I just . . ." I sighed. Ivy ran her hand through my hair for me. "He just waved."

"That asshole."

A small smile twisted on my mouth, only to quickly disappear. "I guess it really is over. I should've known it would be. But I was stupid."

Ivy's hands paused on my head. "Love makes you stupid. That's the truth, and it goes for everyone. Including him. 'Cause he's dumb as shit right now."

I couldn't help but to laugh. "Yeah. Still, I've learned to numb myself to my feelings, so I'd never have to get my heart broken again, and it worked, but I thought I didn't need to do that with Benny. I thought I knew him. I thought he'd never turn into this person, because that's just how good he was."

"Anyone can change. Anyone, no matter how well you think you know them, has a side that you don't know about. A side probably they don't even know about. I don't trust anyone fully, because I know that even the person I trusted most in the world could always turn their back on me. Like my dad."

Ivy's fingers had started again on my hair, but I turned to look up at her. Her hair was pulled into a perfect bun, save for a couple of stray strands that framed her face. She wore no makeup, and her natural beauty was astounding.

"You're wise for a sixteen-year-old," I noted.

She shrugged. "I've learned a lot through the years. Anyway, what about that Phillips boy? He seems to be getting close to you these days."

"He just watches The Walking Dead with me."

One of Ivy's perfect eyebrows cocked. "So you're telling me that's the only thing you do? You've never even shared a little kiss?"

My mouth dropped. "No!"

Ivy grinned, staring down at me. "Come on, I won't tell. Listen – if I tell you something, you have to tell me the truth about you and Phillips. Okay?"

I opened my mouth to protest, but then quickly closed it, deciding to take advantage of this. "All right. Fine."

The other girl was smirking now. "Me and Bertram kissed."

Without meaning to, I gasped, and clapped my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. "What?" I shrieked. "Really? When? Where? Who kissed who?"

Ivy laughed. "We both kind of did it at the same time. It was actually on Valentine's Day. We went to the movies, and . . . I guess it just happened. Doesn't mean we're together, though."

Now I frowned. "Why not? Don't you like him?"

"Sure. He's fun to be around, but I'm not really sure that I like him romantically. Know what I mean?"

"Um . . . I guess so."

Unbothered, Ivy's smirk returned. "Now it's your turn to tell me about you and Phillips. Spill the dirty secrets." She wiggled her eyebrows, to which I laughed.

"Nothing," I answered, smiling all the while. "It's the truth. I guess I'm not the type of person to kiss people for fun. Plus I'm not over Benny. I couldn't even like anyone at this point."

Frowning, Ivy said, "I'm having a hard time believing that. You don't feel anything for him?"

I turned my head again to avoid Ivy's eyes. She began to run her fingers through my hair, and I pondered. "No," I finally answered. "He's just a friend."

"Nothing. You don't get a little nervous when he comes over? You don't feel little knots in your stomach when he's close to you? Or – "

"All right, Ivy!" I broke in, eyes widening. Now my heart was pounding. "I guess I do – But it doesn't mean anything!"

But Ivy was already laughing, throwing her hands in the air. "I knew it! See, just go for him. Even if you don't really like him, it's a good way to make Benny realize what he's missing out on."

For a moment I considered it. Jordan and his lips against mine – the thought gave me chills. Holding his hand, and touching him in ways I normally wouldn't. Having someone to hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear and make my heart happy. Having Jordan do all of that. A small portion of me could see it.

The majority of my heart declined the idea, pushed it away. Only Benny could satisfy me. I loved him, and I always would.

"No," I sighed, closing my eyes. "I don't think I really like Jordan. Maybe it's just because he gives me attention while Benny doesn't. But he's my friend, and I wouldn't want to lead him on. And I couldn't imagine myself being happy with anyone besides Benny."

Ivy sighed. "If I were you, I would do it. But I guess that's why you're better than me. Either way, I think it'll work out in the end. He did just lose his mother. I guess it's not that surprising that he's acting out. But he can straighten out, and you two will be happy again. Or you'll move on. In the end you'll win, no matter what happens."

I held back my thoughts that said I could never get over him. The depression, for the most part, had dissolved, but there was always an emptiness in my chest. A piece of my heart had been ripped away, and the fate of that portion rested in Benny's hands. It would come back someday, or it never would.

"Can we just do something?" I burst, suddenly sitting up to meet Ivy's gaze evenly. "Let's go out."

Ivy's mouth curled. "Can I do your makeup?"

My face fell flat. "Why. Why do you do this to me?"

"Because I love you!" Ivy grinned.

♡

Despite the fact that it was Sunday, the skating rink was open and nearly full. Mostly teenagers infested the rink and every corner, the booths and game area. I'd never been, but Ivy said she used to come every Saturday. Even now it was a popular hangout spot.

As Ivy and I awaited our skates, she leaned to say in my ear, "Plenty of cute guys here."

Of course, I'd already figured that out for myself. The moment I let my eyes wander, I'd already found a group of cute boys walking out of the rink area. One caught me staring and smiled. I had only just looked away awkwardly when Ivy spoke in my ear.

"Yeah," I grumbled, "plenty of cute guys for me to embarrass myself in front of."

"Psh." Ivy took her skates and I took mine after. We both had the same shoe size, so it didn't really matter which pair we claimed. "Here we go!"

As we went over to a bench to put our skates on, I couldn't ignore the gnawing in my stomach. "I'm scared," I admitted, once the two of us were sitting.

"Don't be. I'll be with you at all times," Ivy promised.

So we laced on our skates and headed for the rink. The space was enormous and dark, lit only by spinning black lights. Music boomed all around, and the skaters danced and laughed and twirled.

Just before Ivy and I could step onto the rink, a masculine voice called Ivy's name. We spun to find an Asian boy nearing, a smile playing on his face. He looked familiar.

"Mace!" Ivy greeted, a big smile forming on her mouth. "Hey! I didn't know you'd be here!"

"You didn't tell me you'd be here either," he laughed, clapping her shoulder when he reached us. His eyes flickered to rest on me. "You're Makayla, right? Benny's girl."

Surprise froze me for a split second, and then I frowned. "Used to be."

"Oh, you changed your name?" The boy called Mace smiled, and I stared at him awkwardly in confusion. He laughed then. "That was a joke. A really bad one. Sorry."

"You're so dumb," Ivy laughed, smacking his chest. "Kayla, I don't know if you've met him, but this is Mason. He's a friend of Ezra's."

Suddenly, the realization clicked like a completed puzzle. "Oh! I've seen you. You were with Benny at Steak 'n' Shake."

Mason was handsome, I noticed. At Steak 'n' Shake his hair had stood out to me – a faded cut on the back and sides, but the top of his head was a stylish mop of dark blonde waves. His eyes were mischievous, along with the seemingly permanent curl of his mouth.

"And at Kit's place when Ivy beat the hell out of Jennifer." Mason's smirk grew into a grin, and his gaze returned to Ivy. "That was fun to watch."

Ivy's eyes narrowed. "I did it for a good reason, right? She was actually messing around with Benny, wasn't she?"

"That's the funny part. She tried, but she didn't get that far. He blew her off."

A small weight seemed to lift from my chest. "He didn't cheat on me?"

Mason, again, turned to meet my eyes. Despite the mischievous glint, his eyes were honest. "No. He won't touch another girl, if I'm being truthful. Ezra tried to get him to lots of times."

Ivy crossed her arms and rose her eyebrows. "Wow. I'm surprised. Figured he'd go out and fuck around with every girl he could touch. It's just how guys are. No offense, Mace."

The boy shrugged, smirking again. "None taken."

Seeing the uncomfortable look on my face, Ivy changed the subject. "So, who are you with?" she asked Mason. "Ezra?"

"Yeah, and Kit." Mason's eyes landed on me, and he added, "No Benny."

Already my cheeks were burning. "I wasn't . . ."

But I could not say the thought hadn't crossed my mind. How could it be helped? I hadn't set eyes on him in a week. I hadn't spoken to him since my birthday, over a month ago. He had ripped himself free of my life, leaving me in the dark.

For once, Mason smiled with real kindness. "I know. You two girls aren't really going to skate, are you? Not while you could be hanging out with me."

Ivy glanced at me. "It's if she wants to."

"To what?" I frowned.

The boy's devilish smirk returned, and his eyes flickered between me and Ivy. Then he held out a hand to me. "Allow me to show you."

Already feeling nervous, I nodded, ignoring his hand. Unfazed, he turned and weaved through the crowd, Ivy and I trailing behind him.

Mason led us to the game area, although the space was mostly empty. Only a pool table took up a bit of space in the middle, but the other games lined one wall. In the furthest empty corner stood a group of around ten people, mostly girls. One of those boys I immediately recognized as Kit. In school we shared many glances, but we never really spoke. He occasionally sent me a text message to inform me that Benny was all right, knowing that I cared.

Kit was one of the first to turn. His eyes, warm and open and kind, met mine in an instant, and he smiled. However, he was not the first to speak.

"If it isn't Ivy and her pretty friend." The voice belonged to Ezra Lakeman. Of course, he was pleasing to the eye, but his words caused me to cringe, nevertheless.

Protective, Ivy said, "Her name's Makayla." She clearly was not extremely fond of the boy.

Ezra's lips puckered with humor, and he raised his hands in surrender. "My bad. Makayla," he corrected, winking at me. "Here to have some fun with the cool kids?"

Cocking my head to the side, I asked, with real curiosity in my voice, "Where are the cool kids?"

All of the boys laughed – Kit, Mason, Ezra, and three others. Most of the girls stared at me with no sign of interest, but one grimaced at me, features sour with distaste. I met her gaze with a hard look, mentally daring her, and she rolled her eyes and looked away.

Smiling, Ezra broke away from the crowd. "Oh," he said, "I'll show you."

♡

All traces of negativity were gone. Perhaps I should have declined, but for once I thought of myself. I did not seek the approval of anyone, not anymore. And so now I lay on the grass of an empty park, staring up at the empty night sky, wrapped in a wonderful blanket of serenity.

Ivy lay next to me, speaking nonsense to Mason, who sat beside her. Their voices were distant, as was the laughter of the others, and it was wonderful. Despite the noise all around me, the rather large group of high teenagers, it was quiet. My mind was quiet.

So far gone, I hardly realized it when Kit plopped onto the grass beside me. He stared down at me with curious eyes. "Hey," he said.

Kit's voice was fuzzy as well, and I tried to focus on him. "Hey." My voice was loud in my ears, because I hadn't used it for a while.

"All right?" Kit asked, real concern in his voice. "You smoked quite a lot. It doesn't kill you, but you know – "

"I am perfect," I broke in, waving him away lazily. My eyes returned to the sky, and a smile curled on my lips against my will. "I feel so perfect."

"You are." The words startled me faintly, and my eyes darted to rest on Kit. His eyes did not meet mine, and I quickly realized that it was for the purpose that the speaker had not been him.

Ezra sat down ahead of me, just at my feet. A sly smirk touched his eyes, and he lay a gentle hand to my knee. He squeezed playfully. "I mean it," he said. "That you're perfect."

Judging by the look on Kit's face, he was so clearly uncomfortable, but for what reason I had no clue. Especially not when my mind was in such a wonderful haze. Even Ezra's words, with their crystal clear meaning, were difficult to comprehend.

"You're stupid," I chuckled. And then my voice grew more serious. "I mean it. That you're stupid."

Ezra grinned, removing his hand from my knee. "Fair enough. Sorry if I come on a little strong. I just think you're pretty. You know, Benny was a real lucky guy. He probably got to kiss you and touch you whenever he wanted, huh?"

Brows furrowing, I closed my eyes. "Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"No."

Kit sighed, but said nothing. The sound was so soft, I hardly caught it. Ezra, however, must have taken it to heart. Tire kissed my closed eyes, threatened to sing me softly to sleep, heated my already warm skin, and I had felt so at peace that I allowed myself to slip. But then Ezra's voice rang out again, sharp and cold, amused.

"Is there a problem, Kit? What's all that huffing for?"

Jerked back to reality, I opened my eyes, sight shadowed with the closeness of sleep. Kit was staring hard at Ezra, jaw set. Ezra's dark hair had been pulled into a ponytail, giving perfect view of his amused smile.

"Huh?" Ezra taunted, reaching forward to maybe push Kit – but then Benny arrived.

"No fighting," Benny's lazy voice said, so much different than what I was used to. All of his emotion had gone.

I was so high that his unexpected presence did not jolt me like it would have otherwise. His eyes settled on me briefly, then flickered only between Kit and Ezra.

Oddly, Ezra leaned backward and raised his hands in surrender. He was clearly unbothered. "I know. Wasn't going to."

Kit rolled his eyes. Clearly he and Ezra were not very fond of each other, which is why it was so confusing to put together why they would hang out so much. My brain was already clouded; there was no way I could concentrate now.

"When'd you get here, man?" Ezra asked, looking up at Benny. "I didn't see you."

"Yeah," Benny laughed, "'cause you had your tongue stuck down Asia's throat. Hope she's all right. She was gagging."

Ezra's eyes narrowed and a grin grew on his face. "If I can make her gag with my tongue, then – "

I blocked him out then. He was disgusting, but I felt much too peaceful to put forth the effort to tell him off. Part of me wanted to kick him, since he was so close to me, but my legs felt so wonderful. The feeling was heavenly.

Dark colors and shapes danced before my eyes, providing a show that somehow even felt good. Asia, the rich girl who could afford all of the weed, had made a great choice. I'd never felt so at peace.

Too soon a hand touched my shoulder, once again forcing me back to reality. This time it was Ivy. Her features were tight and cold, eyes fixed on something past me.

"What the hell's this asshole doing here?" she grumbled.

"I can hear you, you know." It was Benny. A swift glance showed that he sat a few feet away from me, despite the fact that both of his friends were so close that they nearly touched me – Ezra more so.

Ivy's eyes darkened. "Yeah, I know you can hear me," she snapped. Her curls bounced with her sharp movements.

Slightly wide-eyed – as wide as my eyes could go, at least – I glanced at Benny. All he did was smile. "Just making sure."

The girl clenched her fists but said nothing more to the boy. She touched my shoulder again. "Let me know if he bothers you, Kayla. I'll handle him myself."

"Oh, God," I grumbled, covering my face with my hands. "This is embarrassing." I couldn't help but to crack a smile. "He can't bother me, but thanks."

Again I closed my eyes. So I missed the way Benny stared at me wistfully.

"She could out-smoke Wiz Khalifa," Ezra laughed.

A smile curled on my mouth, and I opened my eyes again. "I've heard that one before."

Kit shrugged. "I'd say she could out-smoke Snoop Dogg. He out-smoked Wiz Khalifa."

"I wouldn't go that far," I laughed, "but I'm flattered. Thanks."

Kit smiled warmly at me, fondly, even. Then my eyes wandered, and I caught Benny's head lowering. The sight shot a faint sense of guilt into my veins, guilt that vanished quickly. He had broken up with me, and had shown no mercy through it all. That was what my mind could comprehend.

I smiled back at Kit. Mine did not hold the same warmth, but it was a smile nonetheless.

♡

The night dragged on, but eventually midnight approached and everyone decided to split. The high had not dimmed enough to replace my peace with true feelings, luckily, because soon enough Benny ended up being the only person by my side.

Walking by his side reminded me of the summer – the greatest summer I'd ever had. Of leaving the sandlot after a game, walking with the boys. Of the group thinning quickly, until there was only me and Benny. Always me and Benny.

It surprised me that he even wanted to be near me. He'd made it clear, I thought, that his every feeling for me had disappeared into nothingness. Losing his mother had hardened his heart, and I understood, but not to this extent. He was the love of my life. Even in my foggy state of mind, I knew that.

"What made you lose feelings?" The words slipped from my mouth without warning. Even I was startled by them.

Benny said nothing for a few moments, as we roamed the dark streets alone. He stuffed his hands into his jeans' pockets. "Don't know," he answered, voice rough and careless and alien.

For a moment I considered not responding. He was clearly not going to contribute to a conversation. That would have blown my mind under normal circumstances. He and I used to have the most deep, meaningful conversations. How had we gone from that to this? From lovers to strangers?

"You used to love me," I stated, as if speaking fact from a textbook. Usually I never dared to say that someone had loved me, truly loved me; I'd never been confident enough to believe that I was telling the truth. There had always been some sort of doubt, no matter how small.

Not with Benny. He was different, sincerely.

Now I did not look at Benny to make sure he was going to respond. After a while, I thought that he wouldn't. Then his voice, smoother and more familiar than before, rang out, a soft melody to my delicate ears, in spite of the words he spoke.