01/10/2016

chapter twenty-two ;

♡

sure what I did," I sighed in defeat, pressing a hand against my forehead. "He hasn't spoken two words to me since the day of the funeral. He's been skipping classes, and I feel like he's doing it to get away from me. It's like he hates me now, and he's just too nice to admit it."

"I don't think it's anything you did." Miracle's voice was smooth, her face soft, even from the screen of my phone. "I guess people just deal with death differently."

"Yeah, but sometimes – well, I guess this is a selfish thing to think – but I just feel like it shouldn't have hurt his feelings for me. I mean, I thought he loved me, and when you love someone, wouldn't it be hard to just stop talking to them altogether?"

Miracle's brows furrowed. "Well, does he talk to anyone else?"

"Mm . . . not that I see. Then again, I hardly ever see him."

"Well," Miracle sighed, "it sucks, but maybe you just have to let him cope. It's not going to last. I don't listen to the story of your every encounter just to tell you to dump him. Under other circumstances, I'd probably say that he was cheating or something, but . . . I mean, the guy's mom just died."

"Exactly. And I know, it's just hard not to feel like it has something to do with me, because I don't understand it. And it just seems stupid to leave him alone, 'cause what if he's trying to hurt himself?"

Miracle shrugged. "I don't know. After all you've told me about him, he doesn't seem like the kind of person who would resort to that."

Despite the serious subject, my brows rose in surprised approval. "You sound so wise."

"Lots of things happen while you're gone," Miracle grinned. "You know about them all, though, but still."

Suddenly a smile curved on my mouth, and I injected myself with as much enthusiasm as possible. "I can't believe you're fifteen now! And you know what that means?"

"You have ten days until you're fifteen," Miracle grinned. "My late twin."

The smile on my face was warm. Miracle had always been my best friend, since kindergarten. Before Leon died, the three of us had been inseparable, a golden trio. But Miracle and I had always viewed each other as sisters, despite our differences. For example, before California, I had been as pale as a ghost, but Miracle had light chocolate skin. Really, we shared no aspects, but forever she would be my sister – my twin, even.

"I wish I could spend it with you," I sighed. "Today, I mean – your birthday, and then my birthday. But I doubt I have enough money to fly or drive down there."

"Oh!" Miracle's suddenness caused me to flinch. "I forgot to tell you – but I have an uncle in California, and I'm supposed to be visiting him. He lives in Visalia. Not sure how far away he is from Los Angeles, but if I go, I'm definitely coming to visit you. And I can meet all of your new friends."

True joy had been an alien lately, utterly unreachable, but now my heart swelled with the stuff. My mouth stretched wide, and I stared at the girl in the screen in disbelief. "No!"

"Yes," Miracle beamed. "Very much yes."

Just then a knock sounded at my door. I turned my head to find Bertram and Ivy. The boy looked paler than usual, and I was not surprised – no one who had ever known Lynn was dealing well with her death.

"Oh," my brows rose, "hey. Uh, Miracle, I'm going to have to call you later, all right?"

"Okay." Miracle flashed a smile my way. "I love you, Muchacho."

"I love you, too, Murcle. And happy birthday!"

With a slight smile, I ended the FaceTime session. Bertram and Ivy remained at the threshold of my door, shoulder-to-shoulder.

Ivy was the first to speak. "Isn't 'muchacho' Spanish for, like, a man?"

"Yes."

Her lips quirked. "So why does she call you that?"

Standing to my feet, I explained: "She just heard the word and called me that years and years ago, and it stuck. I've no idea why."

"And Murcle?" Bertram's arms were crossed loosely over his chest, and he didn't smile, but I could sense his faint amusement. "How do you explain that?"

"Don't really know how that started, either," I admitted, "but I do know it's for Steve Urkel from Family Matters. You know – Steve Urkel. Steve Murcle."

Ivy laughed, finally moving toward me, her intricate curls bouncing. "Wow. How unique. I mean it."

I'd crossed the room, already digging in my closet for a new outfit. The other girl touched my shoulder gently. "You good?" she asked.

Rather than answering verbally, I turned my gaze on Ivy. She saw the answer in my eyes, red-rimmed and dark. Ivy nodded, lips pursed.

"Dumb question," Ivy said. "Well, me and Bertram are going to get high. Want to join?"

Yes – "No. I can't. If Benny found out . . . Well, I don't feel like piling more on his shoulders. You know how he feels about all of that stuff."

"I don't mean to sound rude," Ivy said, a bit of reluctance in her tone, "but hasn't he been kind of . . . M-I-A? For the most part, I mean."

Bertram moved forward then, approaching my bed. "She's right," he agreed. "He wouldn't have to find out. Come on – think of yourself, for once. He's got worse things to worry about."

Hand lingering on a long-sleeved top, I froze to consider the invitation. Benny wouldn't have noticed if I'd moved across the country, at least not for a while. He would not notice if I had decided to smoke; he would never be around to acknowledge that I was high.

But he had expressed how against those things he was, and at this point, the last thing I wanted was to betray him. Even if it had nothing to do with him, had no effect on him or his life . . . I wanted to prove to him that I could be the girl he wanted.

"No," I sighed. "I'll pass. Thanks for the offer – I'd accept, but it just doesn't seem right to Benny."

Bertram nibbled at his lower lip, and he looked down at his hands. "Actually . . . there was something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What?" I questioned, plucking the black long-sleeved shirt from the closet and moving to sit beside Bertram. Clearly something was bothering him. "What is it?"

The boy sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind. Forget about it."

"Bertram, tell me. Now."

He would not meet my gaze, but he felt the intensity of it. "Benny's been . . . making new friends."

A wave of confusion swelled up in my chest, and I frowned. "Hmm?"

Bertram shrugged, turning to meet my eyes. "Like . . . new friends. You know? Friends."

I stared at Bertram blankly. "If that's supposed to hold some new meaning, then I don't know what you mean. But I know what a friend is."

"Older guys," Bertram spilled. "Juniors, mostly, but they all have a reputation. Ever heard of Ezra Lakeman?"

"Oh, my God!" Ivy whisper-yelled. "Him?"

"Who's that?" I asked.

Ivy fixed me with wide, disbelieving eyes. "Are you joking? You don't know Ezra Lakeman? He's one of the most popular guys in school – and not in the rich-boy football star kind of way."

"And Benny's friends with him?" I frowned deeply, trying to hide the pain caused by the fact that Benny was going out and making new friends while he would not speak to me at all.

"Seems that way," Bertram confirmed. "They could be just . . ."

"Could be what?" I demanded.

"Let's just say . . . if Benny really cared that much about you getting high . . . it's pretty shitty that he'd be friends with Ezra. 'Cause it's what the guy's known for: partying and drinking and doing drugs."

The frown on my face managed to deepen. "So he's been ignoring his girlfriend to go and make friends with some bad boy?"

Bertram coughed. "Boys – plural."

"And – " Ivy plopped down onto the bed, beside me " – there's only one reason I can think of as to why he'd look for friends like Ezra."

I stared at her, incredulous. "You think he's trying to get into that stuff?"

Ivy shrugged. "That's what I was thinking of, but I could be wrong. But I think there's only one way to really find out."

"Oh, God," Bertram groaned, falling back onto the bed. "You're going to show up and blast him, aren't you? He's going to know it was me who told you – "

"How, Bertram?" I demanded, cutting him off. The boy's eyes widened, and he blanched. "How did you know he was friends with those guys? And how would he know you would be the one to tell me?"

"Um . . ."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "He met up with Ezra yesterday, and Benny was with him and his group. Apparently they're all best friends now."

"It just doesn't make any sense," I mumbled. "He's so against all of that. He wouldn't . . ."

"Like I said," Ivy stood to her feet, looming above me with serious but sparkling eyes, "there's one way to find out. Well, there could be more . . . but this one is the best."

Bertram muttered under his breath – something about "crazy women" and "could be smoking." I rolled my eyes and stood to my feet as well.

"Do you know where he is right now?" The question was directed at Bertram, but my focus was on my dresser. I went to pull out a fresh pair of jeans.

"Um . . . home? I don't know. I haven't talked to him today." Bertram sighed. "If this is going to make him mad, please don't do it."

But I ignored him, going into the bathroom to change.

♡

where are you?

The text had delivered fifteen minutes earlier – No reply, though, of course.

"Maybe he's asleep," Bertram suggested. "He does sleep a lot these days."

"I highly doubt that," I said, sighing and scrolling through my contacts. When I found Elizabeth's contact, I texted her:

hey, where's benny?

Within minutes, the girl replied: He was at home when I left for work

"If he's not home," I said, "then we'll know where he is. There are only so many options."

"Ezra's place," Ivy provided. "Maybe even Kit's."

"Or the sandlot," Bertram suggested, voice much smaller than before. "I bet that would be the place he'd run to. I know I would, and that place means more to him than it does to any of us."

"First, let's check the likely places," Ivy said. She grabbed her jacket and headed for the door, and I followed closely behind. At the door, she turned and glanced at Bertram. "You coming?"

"I – " Bertram broke off, silenced with Ivy's eyes, and then he sighed deeply. He stood and approached the two of us, mumbling under his breath all the while.

♡

Fortunately Ivy and Bertram knew the location of the boy named Kit's house. Benny's house was empty, as well as the sandlot, and a girl answered Ezra's door. According to her, he had gone to Kit's house with a few friends.

And now the house rose above us, odd on account of my expectations. I'd been expecting to find a dump, a mess – Instead I found myself faced with the sort of house that reminded me of grandmothers.

The house was made up primarily of red brick; the porch was nearly surrounded by black metal, twisting into shapes of flowers; a bench swing rested on the left side of the porch, cushioned in white. The lawn was freshly manicured, and a small, long garden of roses and violets ran along the front of the house.

"Violets are not blue," I mumbled under my breath, as Ivy marched fearlessly to the front door and knocked incessantly.

In moments the door pulled open, revealing a tall boy in a black leather jacket. He had dark hair and soft features, but after glancing briefly at him, I found myself trying to look past him, to catch sight of Benny.

"Ivy," the boy spoke, surprised. "I wasn't expecting you – "

"Hey, Kit, where's Benny?" Ivy broke in, arms crossed. She stared the boy down, as if demanding the truth. "I know he's here."

Kit's dark brows pulled together. "He's down in the basement. Why?" His eyes flickered from Ivy to Bertram, and then landed to focus on me. "Who's your friend?"

"Doesn't matter." Ivy pushed past Kit, and he watched her go, bewildered. Bertram followed Ivy, but I was reluctant – I didn't want to just barge in.

Kit remained in place, standing at the threshold, and he turned to face me again. I met his gaze with a sheepish smile.

"Sorry," I said. "Um . . ."

The boy stepped to the side, waving me inside. "Come in, then, I guess. Might as well."

Staring down at the ground, I made my way inside. The boy watched me, brows furrowed.

"What's your name?" he inquired. "I'm asking because you look familiar."

"Makayla."

Closing the door, he asked, "You go to S.F. High?"

"Yeah, I'm a freshman."

Kit nodded. "I'm a sophomore. I've definitely seen you around. Yeah, I remember you now – We have History together."

The inside of the house was even more grandmotherly. The furniture was mostly flower-print, dull gold and sapphire and rose. Plush carpets matched the furniture, and an old-fashioned television rested upon a wooden stand. Everything was clean and comforting to the eye. Odd to think of Benny being in the basement, possibly breaking his morals.

"I've never seen you," I admitted.

A smile formed on his mouth – the shape sort of reminded me of Justin Bieber. "Well, you wouldn't have. You're always doing your work or getting into fights or talking to your friends. It's a big class."

My mouth dropped. "I got into a fight one time! I mean, only one that the whole class got to witness."

Kit grinned. "I was rooting for you. Anyway, why's Ivy here for Benny?"

Any trace of amusement vanished, replaced with defensiveness. "He's my boyfriend, and he's been making new friends but ignoring me. So."

Kit's mouth dropped. "What?"

The look on his face was unsettling – it was worry. Clenching my teeth, I marched for the open door, which revealed a narrow staircase. As I began my descent, I heard Ivy yell, "What the fuck?"

Dread tugged at my gut relentlessly, but I made the descent, nevertheless. And when I arrived at the floor, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach.

The basement looked less like a basement and more like another small house; there was a living room and a kitchen, and a door probably leading into a bathroom. The living room area had been split into two, separated by a curtain of crystal beads. On the nearer half, there was a couch and a flat-screen TV, an Xbox and a litter of beer cans. The other half contained a bed and a desk, on which rested piles of papers and a laptop.

And there was Benny, lying on the bed, a girl sitting beside him. She had olive skin, the same shade as his, dark hair and eyes, and she wore a crop top and a skirt.

Through the long strings of beads, the scene before me was clear. Bertram stood just ahead of the curtain, back facing me (but he'd better have been shocked). There were two other boys in the basement – one sitting at the desk, turned to face Ivy, and the other was walking out of the bathroom. And then there was another girl, blonde and pale, following the guy out of the bathroom.

Ivy stood beside the bed, between the guy at the desk and the girl on the bed. "Benny, what the fuck is this bitch doing beside you, huh?"

"Excuse me – "

"Do not open your mouth, bitch," Ivy broke in, her tone severe. "I know who you are, and I know that everyone knows that Benny Rodriguez is dating Makayla Sullivan. So, again, what in the fuck are you doing in bed with him?"

As Ivy spoke, she used a lot of sharp gestures and her curls bounced wildly. She was that kind of girl – the one who was never afraid to raise her voice, to start something if she felt the need. She was scared of no one. Usually that was how I felt – but now I was scared. Terrified, even, knowing what Benny must have done, and how I would never recover from it.

For once, the anger simply did not rise – all I felt was pain and betrayal.

"Answer me!" Ivy screamed, bending to get in the girl's face. "Why's it so hard to open your mouth now?"

A hand touched the small of my back, only briefly, but I did not turn to look at Kit. "I – I didn't know he was your boyfriend."

All the while, Benny lay still, curious eyes focused on Ivy. He looked thoughtful, but not at all regretful, not at all ashamed.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Bertram spoke, his voice much quieter in comparison to Ivy's. "You have a good girl – "

But Bertram's voice died abruptly when Ivy jerked the other girl off of the bed by her hair, while the other girl repeatedly yelled, "We didn't do shit!"

Everyone watched in shock and amusement as Ivy threw the girl to the ground and pounded on her face. Benny simply stood to his feet, and walked toward me – or, perhaps, his destination was upstairs.

But when he spotted me, after passing through the crystal curtain, he froze. His eyes were half-closed, and from the short distance I could see how they were spidered with red. He was high.

"What are you doing here?" Benny asked.

The pain nearly overwhelmed me, but I put on a hard face. "What are you doing here?"

He stretched his arms to the sides, a slight smile curling on his lips. "Having a great time." In the background, Ivy could be heard yelling a string of profanities, especially as Bertram went to pull her off of the girl.

Oddly, the fighting was the last thing on my mind. All I could do was stare at Benny, trying to ask him with my eyes: How could you do this to me?

Benny's expression did not betray an ounce of regret. He stared at me, zoning in and out. And in those moments, I felt completely and utterly alone in the world – as if happiness itself had burned out, leaving me in a dark, empty world.

I'd cried enough in the past few days alone; I had cried myself dry, cried my heart out. Only the fact did not leave me emotionless – worse, it intensified my pain and left me without a way to express myself.

Because how could I scream at the boy who had just lost his mother? Had just become an orphan? Anger would only make matters worse – and if the circumstances were different, if I'd caught Benny cheating on me and he hadn't lost his mother, I probably would have screamed my lungs out and broken all of my knuckles in a fit of rage.

Eventually, all I could think to do was turn and ascend the staircase, pushing past Kit to do it. Someone called my name, but it was not Benny. . . .

The air outside was cool and refreshing. But it was nothing compared to the winter in Tennessee. I'd never particularly favored the cold, especially not the humidity, but I found myself wishing that I was back home to feel it. If I had never moved, I probably never would have fallen in love again. My heart would not have shattered into a trillion shards, irreparable

"I wasn't cheating on you, if that's what you thought," Benny's soft voice spoke behind me. The softness was not due to kindness but due to his calm air. "She was just sitting beside me. I told her to move, but she didn't listen, so I just let her."

Despite my restraint, I whirled on Benny, and my voice escaped much harsher than I'd intended. "Oh, so if she had just took off all of her clothes, would you have just let her screw you?"