01/06/2016

chapter twenty-one ;

♡

upon the casket of Lynn Rodriguez – yes, snow. Apparently it was not terribly uncommon in the mountains, which was where our Lynn had asked to be buried – beside her husband, more specifically.

The graveyard was small, containing less than a dozen headstones. In each hunk of granite the name Rodriguez was carved. Clearly it was reserved for the family, but I did not ask Benny for confirmation. He stood at my side in utter silence.

A week had gone since the death of Lynn, but no one had healed in the slightest. The painful emptiness clouded my every thought, slowed my every movement, drained me of any sliver of happiness. Most days I would continuously burst into tears, tears that flowed despite my attempts at stopping, uncontrollable, like a broken dam.

Elizabeth shared my reaction, but Benny . . . he was something else. He was lifeless. And as much as I missed Lynn, my heart was mostly broken for my boyfriend. I never could have imagined losing my own mother – It was my worst fear, losing someone I loved more than anything.

The ivory casket was closed now, prepared to lower into the ground, but I could still see the pale face obscured. Dark hair and matching eyelashes that veiled the dark, sparkling, kind eyes beneath forever. The heavy purple gown, silk and lace and long, as elegant as royalty. I could still feel her skin, warm and smooth on the eve on her death. The way this morning it was smooth as marble and cold as ice against my reluctant mouth.

Death terrified me, and usually the sight of a corpse sent me into a panic attack. Perhaps it was the fact that a life had existed – that this person had once loved and cried and laughed and made their marks on the world – only to simply slip away, leaving behind the tangible piece of them that could not be accessed.

There were the lips that had kissed and been kissed, the hair that had been caressed, the hands that had cared for her children, her loved ones. She was here, but she was gone forever.

Hot tears escaped my sore eyes, and I did not bother to wipe them away. All I could do was stare at the casket and try not to make a sound.

My tears were becoming a sea.

Absentmindedly I reached out for Benny's hand. His fingers curled lightly, weakly around my own.

The scenery was black and white: the black of the dresses, the suits, and the white of the snow on the ground, the shining casket. The now unusual paleness of my skin, of Benny's, of Elizabeth's.

It was like we had all died with her.

We said our final goodbyes. I laid my hand against the casket, seeing Lynn underneath. A million memories seemed to flash before my eyes then.

Lynn – greeting me for the first time with a hug; Benny had been embarrassed. Later that night she had given us money to go to the fair, even though she hadn't wanted Benny to go, initially. Lynn – accepting my gift for her fortieth birthday, a replica of The Titanic's version of The Heart of the Ocean. Lynn – splashing in the waves of the Santa Monica beach, lying with us on a large blanket against the sand. Lynn, and the love that radiated from every fiber of her being. Lynn – who had always been an angel.

Now that I thought about it, the signs were clear. She'd been plagued with sickness more often than not. Even the new odd smell of her I had once caught a whiff of, as Benny and I helped her to her bedroom; it was the smell of cancer.

Elizabeth had kept the news a secret for months, due to Lynn's wishes. She had not quite given any specific details, except that the cancer was fatal, and if Lynn had chosen to treat it, she would suffer more, even if it meant possibly living longer. She'd had another year to live, at most. Until then, she did not want to burden her son with the news – Rather, her desire was to make each day count, each day until the very last.

And all of the trips, the adventures – now I understood them. Now I looked at the memories with new eyes, and they pained me. Benny had guessed that something was wrong before school had started – but how could we not have known?

It turned out that Benny and I were the only ones who did not know. Elizabeth had gone with Lynn to the doctor, had learned the news even before her mother. She'd been carrying that crushing weight since the first of August. My parents had been the next to know, when Lynn asked that they might watch over her children when she passed.

And then Elizabeth had told Luke, because she wanted to confide in someone, to lift some of the weight from her chest. He'd kept it secret, even from me.

The tears were choking me now, and I bent down to press my mouth against the casket. If only I could kiss her cheek again, always warm and smooth. Her voice was clear in my head: Definitely, baby. Love you. The last words she had ever spoken to me . . . I had told her to feel better.

"I'll take care of him," I whispered, lips touching the cool smoothness of the casket. My way of saying, I love you, and thank you for all you've done. This is how I will repay you.

♡

Music played lightly from my phone, beside Benny's bed. And the two of us lay together, over the blankets, eyes closed. Neither of us could sleep.

"I wish people would stop asking me if I'm okay," Benny mumbled. I opened my eyes, but his lashes still fanned his cheeks. "Obviously I'm not okay. My fucking mom died."

Pressing my lips together, I reached out to touch Benny's stomach. Tears burned behind my eyes, but I pushed them back. "They're just worried about you. I don't think they know what else to say."

Benny's chin quivered once. "'Sorry your mom died' would be fine."

I wanted to ask him to stop saying that – to stop throwing the words around as if they did not pain him. But it was his mother who died, and how could I say anything?

For a moment the music was the only sound, other than our breathing. It was a slow, gentle tune – contrary to the war waging in my tattered heart.

Finally I whispered a feeble, "I miss her."

Benny's eyes fluttered open the moment mine closed. I did not catch the way he studied my face with glossy eyes, the way he so clearly fought back tears. The way he hardened his features and spoke, voice low and emotionless:

"I don't feel anything."

My eyes flew open. "What?"

Benny's brows furrowed. "Okay, obviously I wish she wasn't dead, she's my mom – but I don't get why you keep crying. You've only known her for, what, half a year?"

The ice in his words seeped into my bones, jabbed painfully behind my eyes. "Benny," I whispered, slowly, unsure, "she was like my mother, too."

"You have your own."

He'd closed his eyes again, and I stared at him in disbelief. In horror. "You always knew how I felt about her. You know I love her, even if . . . Benny, I love you, and I've only known you for seven months."

At this he said nothing. He tensed, however, when the music from my phone changed. The song that began next was Heaven by Bryan Adams. Benny was squeezing his eyes more tightly shut.

"Turn it off," he whispered.

Initially I made no movement, still stunned by Benny's words, by the coldness of his tongue. He was making no sense. None at all. Why was he so distant and cold, all of a sudden? I thought death was supposed to bring people together, not push them apart.

"Turn it off!" Benny repeated in a yell, covering his face in his hands. But I caught the tear that slipped from the edge of his closed eye.

Surprised, I reached for my phone and fumbled to pause the song. The song should have been a happy reminder of the good days. It had been playing when both Elizabeth and Benny were born. Heaven was sort of the family's song.

The two of us were engulfed in an uncomfortable silence – one that I was not used to with Benny. Usually things were never awkward between us. The sensation made me sick to my stomach.

"Makayla," Benny whispered, letting his hands fall away. He rested on his back, facing the ceiling, eyes still closed.

"Yeah?"

"I just . . . want to be left alone. For a little while."

My heart skipped a beat, and I gripped my phone for dear life. "Okay," I whispered. "I can back off. I'm sorry if I've been annoying, I just thought you might need someone."

"I don't," he mumbled. "I don't need anyone. I just need to be alone, think for myself. It's not about you or anything you've done. It's about me."

The words were eerily close to the infamous break-up phrase. It sent a shock of pain into my every vein, forced me into a more alert and rigid state.

"Okay," I finally managed to say. "I'll leave you alone now, if that's what you want."

As I pulled my weak body into a sitting position, Benny's hand shot out. His long fingers curled around my wrist. And his hazel eyes were now fixed on me.

"Not forever," he said.

I tried to smile at him, but he could probably see through my eyes, the way I truly felt. But he let his hand fall from me, eyes still set on mine.

"Not forever," I agreed. And I left.

point of view.

Elizabeth's hair was a silky black curtain around her lowered face. Together we sat on her bed, and she stared at a smooth sheet of paper. The ink had bled through the back, but I could not make out what the script read.

Eventually she dropped her arms, letter and all landing in her lap. And when she looked at me, her dark eyes were glossy and lost. How I desired to reach forward, to brush the hair from her face, to wipe her tears, to take her pain.

"Benny." Elizabeth's voice was weaker than ever, barely a whisper. The effort of speaking clearly exhausted her; I could tell from the purple bruise-like bags beneath her eyes. "He's so broken. I can see it."

I swallowed deeply. "I can, too."

"He found her that way – " Liz's voice cracked, and she took a moment to swallow and gather herself. "Christ, Luke, I don't know how I'm going to do it. Keep us both afloat on my own, to keep the house. I don't know what to do. I just feel so empty, like there's no point – "

"Don't." She closed her mouth, and I sighed, climbing toward her. And I pulled her into my arms, stroking her hair. I noticed several strands of gray, but did not point them out.

She cried into my shirt, and all I could do was rock her gently, pressing my cheek against her head. Although now was not the time, I could not stop thinking about what she had confessed to me.

Elizabeth had said she loved me – a term I knew she did not use lightly.

"I'll help you," I muttered against her hair. "I know you don't like it, but I don't care. At least until you can handle it. I'm always here."

She had stilled in my arms, but did not protest. Probably she felt too weak to waste her breath on a subject she knew she had no control of.

Eventually, she simply whispered, "I miss her."

"I do, too," I sighed, allowing my eyes to flutter shut. "She didn't deserve to. . . . No one should have to suffer the pain you are. And Benny. But I'll be here with you every step of the way. Whatever it takes to help you heal."

Elizabeth broke into silent sobs, and my heart ached for her. Anything – for her, I would do it.

♡

In peace may you leave the shore;

In love may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travels,

Until our final journey on the ground—

May we meet again.

I miss you already, Mom.

– Elizabeth Fiona Rodriguez

♡

remember my hispanic crush? well, i've moved schools, so i don't see him anymore, but he's been texting me, saying how he misses me and how he's going to hug me and pick me up the next time he sees me. ugh!!!

also, this story has finally reached 2016! (although it was a pretty shitty year in real life)

August 29, 2017