After three months of recovery and rehabilitation in the hospital, I am finally home. Lam offered to drop me off since I can’t drive yet.

“Lam, can I ask for a favor? I realized I still have some stuff left in the hospital. Can you get it for me?”

“Sure, I’ll go get it first but I have to go to headquarters after.”

“Sure, no problem, they’re just clothes and some documents from work, they’re in the bedside drawers.”

“All right, I bring them to you tomorrow.” He asked. “Are you sure you’re okay here?”

“Of course, this is my house.”

Lam looked at my bedroom door apprehensively, looking unconvinced.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just take a rest Forth. Just forget about Pring, okay?” He pats me in the back and starts to leave.

I’m actually not thinking about Pring. I can’t hate her. I know she’s a good person, she just has her reasons.

I am home. But I suddenly feel lonely. The feeling of numbness is slowly fading and being replaced by emptiness.

I realized I’ve been standing on my kitchen for some time. I looked around to take in the familiar feeling.

It’s been three months since I was home. After my hospitalization and being diagnosed with amnesia, I guess it is to be expected that things will never be the same.

Everything felt the usual but there is still that feeling, that there is something amiss, that something important should be remembered. Perhaps it would be the answer to the nagging emptiness.

My leg still ache a little as I limped to my bedroom, I still need to get used to not having crutches. I remind myself to exercise my legs daily.

Looking around, I was suddenly hit by nausea. My bedroom seems to tell me something and I felt frustrated. I’ve been trying my best to regain my memories.

I sat on the bed and finally noticed my closet. I walked over and opened it. Then I saw the clothes, which are definitely not mine. Again there is that heavy feeling. Whose clothes are these? I rubbed my nape, I suddenly feel a headache coming again.

Looking up, I retrieved a box at the top left shelf. It looked special so I opened it. There were just two things inside, an old model of a smartphone and a letter.

I unfolded the letter and started reading.

This letter… This is...

I gripped my chest as invisible pain coursed through my body, I cannot breathe. I start choking as images flashed through my mind. I felt nauseous as waves and waves of memories overflowed in my head.

My body felt weak as strong tremors shook me. I dropped on the floor as I recall everything.

The first time I saw him, when I saved him that night…

The moments when he was sleeping in my arms...

Random memories of us… eating together… me driving him to school… him in his uniforms…

His smile… his eyes… his voice… his smell…

The night we kissed…

All the moments, the good and the bad...

The tears, his and mine...

I panted heavily as the intense moment of sudden realization hit me like a tidal wave. It is so overwhelming that my head cannot receive everything all at once. I want to throw up, I think I’m about to pass out so I held the letter tightly as I lose consciousness.

***

I slowly stirred and opened my eyes. I don’t know how long I was under. But I feel a bit better. Relief and reprieve slowly clocks in. I finally remembered the most important memory in my life. The blurred and faded images suddenly became clear pictures.

And there is only one person in my mind right now, one thing I need to do.

Beam. I finally found him.

I pulled my phone from my pocket. It rattled as I shakily looked for his number.

***

I found out Forth was discharged earlier, and I feel so heartsick. I should have gone to see him one last time. But I know P’Pring would be there, too.

After my quick break I went on my way to the wards when I accidentally bumped into someone.

“Officer Lam?” I was surprised to see another familiar face, Forth’s former partner.

“Beam?!” He looked very shocked. “Why are you here?”

“I work here.” I explained.

“Oh, God. Beam! Finally.” He gasped loudly and pulled me into a hug.

“Did Forth see you already?”

I nodded.

“So you already met… But... I don’t understand. He did not say anything to me about you, he should be ecstatic!” He exclaimed.

“He doesn’t remember me, Officer Lam.”

“Oh, the memory loss. But you didn’t tell him? They say chances are high, he can still recover his memories. All he needs are triggers.”

I shake my head.

He is more shocked now. “Why!? It’s important that he remembers you.”

Now it’s time for me to be baffled. “What are you talking about?”

“He loves you, Beam!” He exhaled deeply.

“Look. He went crazy after you left. He spent his days looking for you, and he never stopped. He was so heartbroken.”

All I can do is blink. I am stupefied, not knowing what to say. “I…”

“Do you still love him, Beam?” He slightly shook me by the shoulder.

“Tell me! The confession in your letter, is it still true?”

“Yes.” I answered without hesitation. “All this time.”

“Goodness! I should have visited him sooner.” He runs his hand on his hair, obviously looking astounded.

“If not for my reassignment, I would have been here weeks ago to fix this.”

“But he has P’Pring.”

“No. They’re not together. She’s a lying bitch. She just took advantage of Forth’s predicament. You know they broke up when Pring worked overseas. Like eight years ago. Forth never had anyone ever since you left.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I looked at him and I know that he is not joking. But his words do not really register on my brain.

“Where the fuck have you been, Beam? You were here in the hospital all this time?”

“No, I was in the states to study. I just came back three months ago for my internship.”

“Hah! The states…so that’s why.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and started pacing.

“Did you know we fucking looked for you for so long, I felt like I have already memorized all the towns in the provinces of Thailand.”

I just stood there, mouth gaping and just looking at Officer Lam.

Suddenly, my phone rang. Forth was calling. My hands are shaking as I answer it.

“Hello, Forth?”

***

“Hello, Forth?”

“Beam!” I shout his name as soon as he answers.

“Beam, come to me please.” I pleaded desperately. I want to see him now.

“Are you alright?” There was concern in his voice.

“I’m at home. Please… just come to me.” I struggled with my breaths. “Please… Beam.”

“Okay... Just stay there... I’m on my way.”

I didn't even tell him where, but I know he knows where. I don’t know why he did not tell me about us. But I don’t care anymore. I just want to see him, my head hurts, and my chest is about to burst. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t see him for another minute.

Finally, I hear a knock on the door.

“Forth?” His voice, the voice that I was missing so much. “I’m coming in okay? Door’s not locked.”

He came in to the bedroom but suddenly stopped as he takes in the surroundings. I know memories also floods his mind. Nothing has changed in the bedroom since he left. I made sure to keep it that way.

His gaze shifted to me, then to the box containing the phone, and to the letter in my hand.

“Forth... “ Wide-eyed, he slowly approaches me.

“I love you, Beam.” I finally confessed.

He sharply draws his breath.

After all those years I was finally able to tell him. “I love you so much.”

I was still on the floor, clutching the letter. “I remember everything now. I love you. I’m sorry.”

He was now standing in front of me.

“Forth…”

He dropped on his knees and locked me into an embrace. I cling unto him as tightly as I could.

He made a low whimper. I felt his body tremble and then he started sobbing.

The torrent of emotions washed over me and it suddenly became overwhelming. I also start to cry in his arms.

Holding each other tightly, we both broke down into a crying mess. We cried and cried, until all we can make are deep shallow breaths.

I released him and leaned my forehead on his. “No matter where, when, and how. Even if I lose my memories again, even if we are halfway round the world apart. I will still look for you, fall for you, and love you all over again and again.”

I gulped as I begged.

“Tell me, Beam… please tell me.”

He held my face between his hands.

“Always, Forth.” He looks into my eyes and I can feel its intensity. “I have... and always will love you.”

My heart that has became a shell, listless and empty, have been suddenly filled to the brim. I have longed for him and I can’t bear to lose him anymore.

It’s my turn to wipe his tears. “I finally found you. You could run forever, but I can also search forever.”

“I love you, Forth, and I’m not going anywhere.” He replied.

I pulled him closer. He leaned in, and our lips meet.

***