I waved goodbye to Wayo as he runs to his class. I don’t know what will happen today. What happened in the locker yesterday was like a dream, or maybe it was? After that incident, Forth ignored me the whole time. Well, not that he pays attention to me but I was used to him and his lackeys teasing me, call me four eyes, nerd, shorty, or some other nicknames when they see me. But I don’t mind. Sometimes, Forth would purposely steal my books out of my hands, deliberately bumps into me in the hallways, and do some other stuff that he and his raucous group of friends can think of. Wayo gets mad when this happens and eggs me to tell on them to the principal. I don’t actually mind, and I wouldn’t call it bullying though. Forth has never harassed me physically or verbally. It’s just that he has this kind of spider sense in him and always finds me wherever I’m at. One time I tried hiding one morning but he still found me and still got his breakfast. Over the years of my schooling, I have tried my best to be as invisible as possible.

One thing I don’t really like is attention. I don’t join clubs or anything and I do my best to just blend in. But then for some reason, Forth finds it easy to spot me and become the target of his teasing. And it doesn’t help that I have a massive crush on him, and I can’t help myself from acting like a stupid idiot, blushing and being so awkward in front of him. I get flustered easily and I hate my pale skin that blushes easily whenever I feel nervous. And whenever he’s around, I feel nervous, all the time.

This year, Forth and I actually share only two subjects, Math and Chem, and during yesterday’s class, I was surprisingly completely ignored. Most of the time, he would throw paper balls, draw stupid stuff on my notes, or copy my homework. But yesterday, nothing. He was just busy with his friends in their own corner, fooling around. Not once did he try to bother me. But once in a while I glance at him and he see him glaring at me. Is he mad at me or something? For sure this has something to do with what happened in the locker. Why though? I didn’t do anything and I was the one feeling guilty.

I stopped in my tracks as I arrived in my locker, shaking my head to clear my thoughts from yesterday’s events. I looked around and found the locker corner empty. I took a deep breath, thanking my mom for dropping us off a bit early. For sure Forth hasn’t arrived yet, and I seriously hope he wouldn’t bother me today or forever.

But that thought was just momentary when I felt strong arms grab me by the collar, and then slammed me hard in my back unto my locker. I gasp as I felt some protruding metal dig into the back of my neck. My eyes widened as I looked at Forth glaring at me, seething and nostrils flaring. I cowered and lowered my eyes, I’ve never seen him angry with me before.

“Did you tell anyone about what happened in the locker yesterday?” he asked, or more like angrily whispered in my ear. His grip on my collar was very tight I can see his knuckles turning white.

I could only squeak and shake my head. I could feel my face beginning to flush and I find it difficult to breathe.

“Good. Keep it that way. You hear me?” he shook me hard, my nape hitting the metal repeatedly, before slamming his hand on the locker, causing a very loud bang.

“Open your mouth and you’re gonna get it,” he snarled.

For the first time ever, I felt afraid of him. For the first time, I felt threatened and hurt. I always believe that he was this perfect guy that I adored. But now, everything felt different. I just kept my head down, trying to fight the tears that are threatening to fall. They pooled at the corner of my eyes and I started to shake involuntarily. But I’m glad my bangs and glasses were there to hide my watering eyes.

Forth seemed to notice my distress and immediately let go of his tight grip. He breathed quick and took a step back. I slowly raise my head, forgetting the tears that were now flowing freely. I don’t care if he sees me crying. I don’t care anymore. He took another step back and gulped hard. The anger in eyes seems to have disappeared. But they were still as wide and was replaced with a look that I can’t explain.

I knelt down to pick my backpack, but never forgot to take out the plastic container containing the still warm chocolate chip pancakes I made earlier and placed it on the floor. I stood up and wiped my nose, and slowly walked away.

***

🏈

What the fuck did you do, Forth?

I was paralyzed in my spot standing as I watch him walk away, sniffing and wiping his tears. His soft hair was in a mess, his shirt all crumpled, and I just caught a glimpse of the bruise that was starting to appear on his nape. I looked at the locker and saw the small indented metal that must have been digging on his back.

I felt my chest tighten. I forced myself to run after him to apologize and hug him. But my legs won’t even move. Stupid! I hurt Beam. I hurt my Shorty.

Then the container on the floor caught my attention. Fuck you, Forth. I cursed myself as I picked it up and carefully placed it on my bag.

I walked to towards the football field and sat on the bleachers. I’m not in the mood for first period, which is Chemistry, which has Beam in it. I took out the container and opened it. The pancakes smelled heavenly. I picked up the fork and the smaller container containing the syrup. I started eating and closed my eyes as I reflect on what I have done. I got angry, and I took it out on him. I was annoyed with myself and lost my cool.

Shit. I let my anger take over me. I was overwhelmed with what happened. Yesterday was a very confusing day for me. I fought myself hard, fighting the thoughts that were flooding my mind. Thinking of reasons for my unexplained feelings towards Beam. That four-eyed nerd. I can’t believe I smelled him like a pervert and liked it. I can’t believe I’ve been liking the way I always touch him, touching his hair, pinching his cheeks, casually draping my arms over his shoulder. I try to find reason on why I want to see him everyday, why I always want to eat whatever I can get from him for breakfast. Taking advantage of him, teasing him. I don’t do it to anyone else, just him.

Is it because I like him? No. No way.

“No,” I whined and tilted my head up to the sky and closed my eyes. Four-eyes has been occupying my mind since that day. All I can think about was him. His face, his hair, his smell. And it has me all confused.

Fuck. No way. Get a grip, Forth. I am straight and I shouldn’t be liking boys, I shouldn’t be liking a cute four-eyed nerdy boy specifically.

***

👓

Math, the last period of the day. Finally, I can go home after this. I looked around and silently thanked God. Forth was not here as well. He was missing in Chem, and I was thankful for that. I was still traumatized with what happened this morning, I feel really hurt and I felt so drained emotionally. I tried my best to avoid Wayo the whole day, because I know he can tell rigth away that something was wrong.

Our teacher arrived and cleared his throat signalling the start of the class. But then we hear someone running and abruptly stopped in front of the door. Great.

“Sorry for being late, Sir,” Forth said while catching his breath.

“Better late than absent Forth, go take your seat, I’m about to start,” our teacher said.

I keep my head down as Forth walked over to his seat at the opposite side of the room. I can feel his eyes on me but I hide myself and tried to be as small as possible.

Tuning out everyone and everything, I just keep my eyes on my book the entire time. Even when the teacher congratulated me for getting a perfect score on the quiz yesterday.

Finally, the bell rang and I hurriedly stuffed my things in my bag. I can’t wait to get out of here.

“Forth, Beam, please stay a while,” the teacher asked.

I froze and looked at the teacher. What is happening?

Forth seemed alarmed as well. Did someone saw us in the locker?

“I didn’t do anything,” I said towards Forth.

He looked at me, and then to the teacher.

“Come over,” the teacher said.

We both walked to his table. I am nervous as hell.

“So Forth, we know you’ve applied for that football college scholarship,”

“Yes, Sir,” he answered.

“Right, but we know they have standards and a GPA requirement, and unfortunately, your grades are lacking a few points,” our teacher explained.

So this is about Forth’s scholarship? Then what am I doing here? I silently ask myself.

“I’m working on it, Sir,” Forth said.

“I know, but it would be better if you have some help,” our teacher looked at me.

“Among all the subjects, you are way behind in Math, and it’s pulling down your average,” he continued.

“So Beam, I want you to tutor Forth every end of class during tuesdays and thursdays. I know you have practice MWF,”

My eyes went wide.

“What?” Forth and I blurted at the same time.

“Yes, you heard it correctly. Beam help Forth, in exchange you are exempt from any exam you choose,”

“But Sir-” I interjected.

“No buts Beam, you owe me one. When you refused to join the Math Olympiad you said you'd do anything else. So this is it. Please help Forth,”

Well, I can’t argue with that.

“That settles it, then. I’m expecting Forth to do well in the exams, otherwise I will think that you’re not helping him. He is our quarterback and it would boost the school’s image if he gets accepted at a reputable university. And Beam you’re a very smart kid, you are the perfect person to help him,”

Forth was just quiet the whole time.

“You can do tutoring here or in the library or at home. As long as it’s after hours and it doesn’t interrupt with your other academic activities,”

“Okay,” I said. I guess I don’t have a choice.

“Forth?” our teacher asked.

“Yes, Sir. I’ll do my best,”

“Good, both of you may go,”

We both said our thanks and silently went out of the classroom. I still kept my head down, not even glancing once as I went to my locker. I don’t know where Forth went.

I’ll be taking the bus today since Mom can’t pick us up and Wayo has drama club practice.

When I reached the school gates, I felt a hand gently grabbed mine. I looked up to see it was Forth. I flinched and started to retreat.

“No, Beam, please,” he said with an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. "It's just... I'm really sorry."

And so my knees are putty. I still like him a lot. Who am I kidding?

He rummaged from his bag to get something.

“Here, it’s an ice pack… For your neck,”

He went behind me and gently pushed my shirt’s collar on my back to check on the bruise. I winced when his fingers felt the surrounding area. Then I felt him blow air on it.

What is he doing?

“I’m sorry, it must have hurt so bad,” he said softly.

Then kiss it better. I mentally slapped myself.

I wish I could see how it looked. I have a feeling it looked black and blue since my pale skin easily discolors with any strong contact.

I just stood there quietly. I wanted to say something, to say I forgive him, but my mouth just kept shut.

“Uhm, see you tomorrow after school?” he asked.

“Okay,” I said.

“Your house?” he asked.

“Sure,”

He nodded.

And without any word, we separated ways.

I don't know know what to feel. I am happy but worried, excited but nervous. Guess I'll just find out what happens tomorrow.