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"Yea, that verse was crazy!" I emphasized after watching Kendrick spit his verse in the booth.

He and I were two lyrical animals pushing each other in the studio. I couldn't get enough of the energy that was in the air being in the studio with him. It was just the two of us and my engineer Brendan. We didn't want the song getting leaked and we wanted the process to be as raw as possible so we wanted it that way.

Our record companies and managers had worked out most of the important details and it had been decided that we would tour together. I would open the show, he would close. I wasn't the type of artist who cared about where I was in the line-up, as long as I was performing and making money in the process. I lived to be on that stage and connecting with my fans.

Since the details were close to being finalized in order to promote the tour we decided to get in the studio together and work on a song. We weren't going to release it until after the holidays. With Christmas approaching in two weeks I was between spending time with my mom and sister in Jersey or with Brandy and her family in Detroit. She was upset with me because I didn't want to go to her movie premiere in January but I just didn't want our relationship to be public like that. Although I was now considered a celebrity, I liked keeping my business my business. I didn't care that it wasn't popular to be private like that anymore, but this is who I was and what had drawn her to me.

My compromise was that I would spend the holidays with her. visiting both of our families but she complained about scheduling conflicts on her part. I believed it was her way to act out because she wasn't getting her way in this movie premier argument. So at the moment things were a toss-up as to what my plans would be. After the holidays, I was going to have to hit the ground running. The contract for the tour was supposed to be completed and I was going to start preparing for my part of the show as well as the release of my whole album.

My attention went back to where I was when I saw Kendrick come out of the booth. We chopped it up for a little while about the tour and our albums. I was planning to drop my entire album in March and he was dropping his in April. We were gonna head out on our US tour in May and crisscross the country until October.

Kendrick had to get going because he had interviews lined up all day, so I was left in the studio alone with my engineer Brendan. It was close to two and we wanted to add some things to the track to make it sound fuller. We wanted this song to launch the announcement of our joint tour so it had to be right. After we made changes we were going to send it to Kendrick to listen to. When things died down I leaned back in my chair and started answering some new messages that crossed my phone. Then my thoughts went to Yara and the fact she hadn't posted anything in almost two weeks. I opened the app and sent her a message.

Me: everything good

I found myself thinking about Yara more and more, wanting to know who she really was. During our conversations she came off as the female version of me and I had never met a girl like that before. So I couldn't help but to want to know more. Since I was with Brandy, I held my curiosity at bay though because I didn't believe in that cheating shit. You were either in a relationship or you got out of it. There was no in-between to me. I was sifting through business emails when a notification came up on my personal phone.

Me: whas the yes

Me: that's whas up

Me: whas the no

Me: damn

Me: how you find out

Me: that's fucked up

Me: you beat both they asses didn't you

Me: you seen him since

Me: you lyin

Me: write about it

Me: the best art comes out of the worst pain

Me: life

Me: experienced a lot in my 25 years

Me: try again, you will now

Me: I'm sending you my bill

Me: ready to tell me

Me: I'm gonna find out

Me: lol

Me: if you ever need to talk hit me up tho

Me: going home and you

Me: that's a topic for another day

Me: I told you before they aren't meant to be a paradise

Me: a good relationship is about more than just happy times

Me: it is what it is

Me: like I said before LIFE

Me: remember what I said

I exited out of the app and went back to answering other messages. My phone began to ring and I saw Brandy's name flash across the screen, it was as if she knew I was talking about her.

"Sup." I said answering the call.

"I just finished shooting for the night and I wanted to hear your voice." She whined lightly.

"How'd it go?"

"We had to shoot one of our sex scenes and you know how technical they are with it, so it took forever." There was a pause on the line. That was the one thing I didn't want to watch. My girl tonguing down another nigga, whether it was real or not, that was something I didn't want to witness. "I miss you," she continued in a whiny tone, "since the album is done you should come up here with me for a few days."

"I'ma do that." I told her. "When do you wrap?"

"The director is trying to get us outta here before Christmas, so he's pushing for the twenty-third."

"We going to Detroit or Jersey first?"

"That's another thing. My agent booked me for some other publicity for Her Hidden Agenda since it comes out in January." I internally sighed. I understood striking when the iron was hot but she was taking things overboard.

"Jaren. Did you hear me?"

"Whas up." I asked with no enthusiasm in my voice.

"I said that I want you to come to L.A. with me." She repeated herself, "We could spend the holidays out there."

"I told you I'm spending the holidays with my family in Jersey." I told her outright. "You can go with me or go to L.A. and work."

"Here we go with that again." She said with exasperation. "You already know how hard it is for black actresses in Hollywood. I can't afford to pass up these opportunities that are coming my way."

"Then do you."

"Jaren." Brandy said her voice filled with frustration.

"Brandy, I want you to do what is best for you. I've always been straight up about that."

"Then why don't you support me and do this with me." She sighed. "Just a couple of appearances and then the premiere. I won't ask you for anything else." Her voice turned baby-like.

I drug my hand down my face and allowed my head to fall back against the wall. "My answer hasn't changed."

"If you needed me to go to your record release party or anything I would be there in a heartbeat." She countered.

"I would never expect you to do that." I said. "If you wanted to be at those things, I would let you decide that on your own. I wouldn't try to make you feel guilty about it."

"The difference between me and you is that I care about your career."

"So, if I don't come to your appearances, that means I don't care?" I found the concept humorous. "You like to live your relationship out in the public. I don't."

"It's not like that." She argued. "I'm in love with you. I like showing you off because I want everyone to know how much I love you."

"And I care about you enough to want to protect what we have by keeping it as private as possible."

"I understand that for the beginning of our relationship, but we are going on almost eight months now!" Brandy argued. "People love that we are together!"

"They love it for now and because we've been keeping it private." I reminded her. "When we start doing red carpets and posting everything we do, watch how fast that shit goes away." I released a breath I had been holding. "Do you want that kind of pressure on our relationship?"

"I just want you with me." She said sounding genuinely passionate. "I want to share my career success with you."

I took my cap off and threw it on the table beside me. "Let me think about it, aite."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She began to squeal.

"That doesn't mean yes, it just means that I'm gonna think about it." I clarified.

"It's better than no."

I noticed Brendan holding up his hand to me to let me know that he had finished adding some more instruments to the track and that it was ready for me to listen to.

"Aye, I'ma bout to listen to this finished track then I'm headin home." I informed her. "I'll talk to you later."

"I can't wait to hear it." She said still sounding giddy from my earlier answer. "I love you."

"Make sure you get some sleep." I said in return.

"Why won't you say it back to me?" She suddenly asked out of the blue. I paused because this was another one of our recent arguments. I still had not said those three words!

"You know I don't throw those words around." I had been consistent about that.

"And you think I do?"

"I didn't say that." I returned.

"You don't love me Jaren?" She asked.bI could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I've got love for you B, and I've always been upfront with you on that." I said as clearly as I could. I could literally count how many women I ever said those words to in my life. My mom, my sister, and my first love who I fell in love with in high school. "When I'm ready to say the words you will know I really mean them."

I guess she didn't like my answer because she told me that she would talk to me later and then promptly hung up. There was nothing worse than being at the part of the relationship where you felt obligated to do stuff because the other person expected you to. As much as I cared about Brandy, I wasn't about to let her or anyone else try and change me. If I wanted to do something, I was going to do it because I wanted to, not because I was getting pressured.

I went and sat back down by Brendan and began to listen to the track he had just finished mixing. While listening to the track my thoughts went back to Yara and not the woman they should have been on. I thought about what had happened to her and was hoping that she was straight. Although I didn't know her, I could feel the pain through her messages, the same way I heard it in Brandy's voice over the phone. It was like we got each other in the most natural way which was something rare to find with anyone. I hoped that she was able to release some of that stress in her new chapter. Some of the best songs in history were written from someone being in desperate pain. She was already talented enough without the pain, I could only imagine what adding another layer to her would do to her writing skills.