《Unapologetically Me》An Empty Feeling

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"She is sleeping with him, " Autumn squealed scrolling through her phone. "Look at that smile on her face. I know that look and that's the look of a woman who is getting her back blown out."

"Let me see." I said taking Autumn's phone from her.

"Look at how she's staring at him, " Autumn continued. "That's not just a going out to dinner with my co-star look."

"But the whole cast is there." I defended looking at pictures of the cast dinner of Brandy Moore and her co-stars. The Shade Room had just posted pictures questioning if something was going on between Brandy and Michael B. Jordan citing rumors from sources on the set. "They are always tryna start something by posting pictures to make things look worse than they are."

"I don't give a damn about all that. Look at her face." Autumn stressed. "Michael is hitting that!"

I stared at Brandy and I hated to admit that Autumn had a point but she did. Brandy's cat-like gray eyes were beaming as she looked on at Michael laughing. He was giving her a similar longing look and you could definitely see the obvious attraction between the two. I couldn't tell if they were playing it up for the cameras since their characters were love interests in the movie or if the paparazzi had captured a genuine moment between the two.

"I can't see anybody cheating on Jericho." I said out loud emotionless while swiping through more of the pictures.

Brandy was beyond beautiful by society's standards, like a younger version of Vanessa Williams. She was Hollywood-skinny with enough curves to keep her being every guy's fantasy girl. As hard as she tried to paint herself as innocent, she came off so phony that it was still hard for me to believe that somebody as real and conscious as Jericho was with someone like her in the first place.

"That ho better not cheat on my man, " Autumn said standing in front of the full-length mirror in her apartment. "But if she does, mama has the perfect medicine for a broken heart." She patted her breasts to emphasize her point.

"Girl, you know Jericho don't mess with no curvy girls in real life." I said laughing at her.

"He just hasn't met the right one yet." Autumn said turning to me. "Once he gets a taste of all this he'll never be the same." She began to twerk in front of her full-length mirror.

I threw one of the tangerine-colored throw pillows at her. "I can't stand you, " I said laughing even harder.

"That's only because you know I'm right!" She said flinging her hair.

We were both getting ready to go to Muse Paintbar in Virginia Beach with some other friends to have dinner, drink, and paint. We had all started becoming so busy working with our post-graduation plans, that we had been forgetting to enjoy our senior year. We were all starting to see each other in passing. This Girl's Night Out was supposed to remedy that.

I hadn't been updating Jericho's Heart in the past week because I had interviews with John Hopkins School of Medicine and UNC School of Medicine that I was busy preparing for. They were my top two choices for medical school, with John Hopkins being my top choice.

"I'm telling you sis, I could teach that man a thing or two." Autumn added.

"I bet your nasty ass could." I said handing her back her phone.

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Once we got to Muse Paintbar we began to eat dinner with our friends while looking at sample paintings all over the walls. I sipped on some red sangria while narrowing my eyes on a painting that kept my devoted attention for most of the dinner.

One by one we began to get up from the table to go over which style painting we wanted to attempt to paint that night. I walked over to the gray painting of a simple red box holding something inside of it. One of the professional artists stood next to me.

"Not too many people ever gravitate to this one." She said simply.

I didn't understand why I felt so drawn to it.

"What is it?" I asked trying to see if I was understanding the meaning of the painting correctly.

"It's a locked box." She explained pointing out the details. "The gray represents the artist's mood and the red box represents her heart."

"What's the stuff inside of the box?" I asked not able to take my eyes off of it.

"It's all painting supplies." She replied as if she was still in awe of the concept. "The girl who painted this wanted to be an artist but didn't think a career as an artist was realistic. She painted this to represent the fact that she had to lock away her gift to fit society's expectations of a real career."

"What happened to her?" I asked hanging on her every word. I don't know why I was so interested in this girl's story, but I was.

She held her hands out with her palms up. "She owns Muse Paintbar." She grinned proudly. "This was the first painting she hung up here, too. It reminds her every day that dreams come true."

"Wow, what a story." I said admiring the fact she now had the freedom to express her passion.

"If you want to choose this style I can trace it for you and if you want to lock something else inside of the box, I can do whatever you want."

I thought about putting a box with a simple book inside but I knew I would have to explain such a painting over and over to my friends and I didn't want to give myself away.

I shook my head. "No, I think I want to paint that wine glass set over there in maroon."

"That's one of our most popular designs." She smiled warmly. "I'll start tracing that for you."

I tied the smock around my neck and placed my wine down next to the easel I had chosen to sit at between Autumn and Deja. We made small talk about what design we each chose and my eyes kept going back to the owner's box painting.

My reader @JarenvsJericho's words came to mind. 'A silenced gift helps no one.'

Initially, his words had caught me off guard and I didn't respond. We actually hadn't even chatted since then.

What did he know? I convinced had myself. He was probably some jobless loser sleeping on his mother's couch reading Wattpad stories.

Who was he to give me advice about my life? He didn't know me!

My phone began to vibrate in my back pocket alerting me that I had a new message and I knew it had to be KeVon because we were supposed to be meeting up after my night out with my girls. He lived in a rented house with his business partner in Norfolk not too far from the art studio we were at.

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I waited for him to respond but he didn't. I put my phone back away and looked up to see my traced canvas. After getting my colors I began to paint.

"What time am I dropping you off at that boy's house?" Autumn said unenthusiastically.

"You're not, I'm riding back home with you." I told her.

"Let me guess, he's going out?" She followed-up.

"I don't see nothing wrong with him going out as long as he's coming home to you!" Deja said pausing her paintbrush in the air.

"Thank you, Dej!" I said blowing an air kiss at her.

"Don't feed her that bullshit." Autumn said leaning forward on her stool so that she could see Deja better. "So you are okay with the only time your man has open to spend with you being in the middle of the night?"

"It's not like that! We're both busy and make time when we can." I said in our defense.

"His frat brothers and that gym are not more important than you." Autumn said passionately.

"Aye, let her be Autumn. Fatima's in love and you can't tell a girl in love how to feel about her relationship." Chanel said across from us.

"But I can keep reminding my best friend that she deserves better than somebody's scraps." Autumn told her.

"I'm not accepting anybody's scrap anything." I said pointedly staring her in the eyes.

We spent the next two hours painting, sipping, laughing, and talking. By the time I got back home to my apartment it was after midnight. I didn't expect KeVon for another two hours so I pulled out my laptop and began to finish a long overdue chapter on my book. Writing was always a welcome distraction from anything else going on in my life.

I loved Autumn but I hated how she only thought negatively about my relationship with KeVon. I didn't want to be the bitter girlfriend nagging or accusing my man of something if I hadn't caught him doing anything.

Did I want more time with him? Yes, but I wasn't about to force him to put his business on the backburner to appease me. We supported each other and could look forward to the bigger picture. These were only temporary circumstances.

I had started on chapter thirty-three that morning and needed to add a few more things to it before finally posting it. With all the drama that had been reported about Brandy, I decided to add a similar scenario in my book.

My character, Porsha had no idea that Jericho had cheated on her with his childhood friend, and I also had him finding out that Porsha had been sleeping with her agent. Once I finished with the tumultuous chapter, I published it then went to my bathroom to freshen up with a shower for when KeVon finally arrived.

After showering and putting on one of my short satin gowns, I crawled into the bed and again pulled my MacBook onto my lap. I began to read some of the incoming comments on my new chapter. My readers were being way more brutal with Porsha than they had been with Jericho or Lisa when they cheated. I hated when I saw a double-standard like that and hated even more that my readers didn't even realize when they were doing it!

Why were Porsha's sins worse than Jericho's? They both cheated!

When I saw the red dot next to my inbox, I realized that I had a new message and I knew it was most likely from @JarenvsJericho. When it wasn't I felt myself fill with disappointment because I had become accustomed to receiving messages from him.

It had been awhile since we had chatted and I was starting to miss hearing from him, whoever he was. I liked being able to talk about my writing and my pursuit to become a doctor openly with someone. It was hard holding in a secret like the one I was keeping. I decided to take a chance and send him a new message.

I closed my laptop and placed it on the nightstand and turned my attention to my tv. I flipped through the channels until I stopped on some Lifetime movie that looked like it could keep my attention until I fell asleep.

An hour had went by when I heard a knock at my door. I answered to find KeVon standing there looking sexy with his eyes glossed over. He had definitely threw back a lot of drinks and I wasn't sure how his drunk butt even made it to my doorstep in one piece.

"Damn baby, you already got right for me." He said closing the gap between us.

He began to place kisses on my neck and just that quick I fell weak to him. He smelled like he had literally taken a shower in alcohol and then dried off in cigarette smoke.

"KeVon, you stink." I said turning my nose away.

"It's just the clothes." He said slurring his words and peeling off his long-sleeved shirt. "All I been thinking about all night is you." He said roughly pulling my gown over my head leaving me fully naked standing in my living room.

He kicked off his Timberland boots and began to push me towards the couch. I tried to ignore the alcohol and musky stench but it was too strong and distracting me from wanting to do anything else with him. I stilled my body.

"KeVon, I need you to go take a shower." I told him outright.

KeVon looked at me with frustration. "You're always talking about we don't spend enough time together. Then when a nigga drop everything to be with you, you start tripping as if it ain't good enough."

"That's not what I said. I took a shower earlier so that I would be fresh for you." I said trying to calm him with kisses to his cheek. "I'm just asking you to do the same for me."

"If you love me, it shouldn't matter what I smell like." He dropped his face in between my breasts and began to try to circle his tongue along my peaks.

I couldn't get past the stench so when I found the strength to push myself off the couch I did and stood with my hands on my hips.

"Come on, I'll take a shower with you." I pulled on his hand.

"I'm your man, Tima." He said jerking his hand back as he stood in front of me with irritation written all over his face."You should want me no matter what."

"KeVon-"

"Nah, it's cool." He said walking over to where his discarded shirt was.

"What are you doing?" I asked reaching for my own gown and sliding it back on.

"I'm going home."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know what the fuck has gotten into you lately." He spat pulling his boots on.

"All I asked you to do was take a shower!" I said meeting his anger. "You smell like the club mixed with funk and there isn't anything sexy about that!"

KeVon pulled his keys out of his pocket. "There are girls around here who don't give a damn about what I smell like."

"Well I suggest you go find one of them."

KeVon looked me up and down. "I knew I should've stayed my ass in Norfolk." He slammed the door behind him.

I felt bad that he was leaving when I knew he was in no condition to drive, but I wasn't about to let him talk to me crazy either. Unlike other girls I knew, I didn't need to have a man on my arm. I was with KeVon because I loved him not because I needed him. The sad thing was as more days went by, I was finding it harder and harder to hold on to something that felt like it was slipping away.

I went to check my phone and sent KeVon a text asking him to let me know when he made it back to his house safe. Even if I was mad at him, I still cared that he was okay. I noticed I had some new notifications on WriteNow and decided to distract myself with that.

There were all notifications of new votes, comments, and followers. None of them were from @JarenvsJericho and for the first time since we first started talking I had an empty feeling about him not responding to me.

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