TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of abuse and sexual assault

Avoidance.

Painful, awful avoidance.

That's all I've done the past few days. Avoiding my problems. Avoiding Harry.

It was finally Friday, the past two days seemed to drag on forever, no longer did I enjoy my "off the clock" hours with Harry and the kids. Harry seemed to give up on talking to me towards the end of the day yesterday. Mostly because I never gave him the chance, as soon as he was off of work I pretty much locked myself in my room, only sneaking out late at night to grab a snack to eat.

I felt bad, I knew that avoiding Harry would inevitably turn into me avoiding the kids as well. Obviously I didn't want to drag the kids into Harry and I's problems and I tried my best not to. I spend the majority of the day with them and I make sure that every moment is filled with love, even the boring moments when we're just watching tv.

Last night I could hear Danny crying from my room as Harry tried to get him ready for bed. I pressed my ear to my door and listened as Harry hushed him and sang him to sleep. When Danny didn't stop crying after 10 minutes I was ready to give in and go in his room to help Harry, but for some reason my hand couldn't open the door. Once silence filled the house, Harry stomped past my door to his room.

For some reason Harry was still working from home today, I can't help but feel like I play a part in that decision.

"Anastasia." Harry's voice boomed from behind me. I was in the kitchen fixing myself a cup of coffee, I glanced at him shortly before turning back to my cup.

"Yes, Mr.Styles?" I asked innocently. Before I knew it, his hand slammed down on the counter beside me, making me jump catching me completely off guard.

"Cut the crap Anastasia." Harry's voice was low but it still sounded scary, I'd never heard him speak this way and I am not a fan. "I don't know what game you're getting at but I am your employer, and you've got a lot of nerve to speak to me and treat me the way you have the last two days." I knew he was probably annoyed but I didn't think he would be this mad. I tried my best to keep my face straight, my hand gripped my cup firmly.

"Harr-" I started to speak but was instantly cut off.

"I'm not done speaking." He barked, his eyebrows were furrowed and he stared at me narrowly. In this moment I instantly regretted the way I've avoided him these past two days, hating the way he was talking and looking at me right now.

"My son was wailing. He was sobbing for you, he wouldn't stop crying for 30 minutes, Anastasia. And you avoided me the entire day, you think that's how this is going to work?" He chuckled. "If you don't get your crap together I swear I'll-" I had enough.

"You'll what Harry?" I shouted, not caring that my voice was significantly louder than his. "You don't get to scold me for the way I treated you." I shoved my finger to his chest.

"You let her rip me apart. The help? Housekeeping? And what did you do to defend me???" Now I was the one laughing. "Nothing! You did absolutely nothing and you let me feel like absolute trash for the rest of the night. You didn't even apologize! You could've knocked on my door and at least checked to see if i was okay, which by the way I wasn't." I shouted.

"My entire life I've been told I'm good for nothing, that I'm trash, that I'll never become anything. I never belonged anywhere, my family felt like strangers, nobody to call my own." I spoke. "But you, you were the one that made me think I belonged here, you convinced me that I was a part of this family. But don't worry, Mr.Styles. I get it. I am just your nanny, the help, right?" I gave him the fakest smile I could. "Sorry for thinking I was anything more." I pushed past him no being able to stand there for another second without completely falling apart, but something made me stop in my tracks and turn to look at him one more time.

"And don't get it twisted. My problem is with you, not the kids. I spend every moment of the day making sure they are happy and feel loved. You said it yourself, when I'm off the clock, I'm off the clock. You don't get to use Danny as a way to guilt trip me when the reason I wasn't there to tuck him in last night is you." I shot him one more jab before leaving the room.

I rushed to Penelope's and Danny's room, waking them up and getting them ready for the day. I was hoping that Harry would be locked away in his office by the time I had them ready for breakfast but to no avail. Harry was in the kitchen cooking.

"Good morning!" Harry smiled cheerfully as Pen and Danny walked into the kitchen, both running to him and giving him a hug. As if the little argument that just took place never happened. "Go take a seat, I'm almost done cooking." Harry said. I glanced at what he was cooking, pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I grabbed cups and milk and orange juice, placing them on the kitchen table. We tried our best to keep an act whenever the kids around, we didn't speak much to each other but we didn't act upset either.

"Alright, Danny." I picked him up and strapped him into his high chair, giving him his sippy cup with milk in it.

"Mommy." Danny shouted excitedly, I instantly shook my head at him.

"Anastasia, Danny. Ana." I corrected him, knowing that it wouldn't stick. I felt Harry's eyes on us but I didn't care, I kissed the top of Danny's head and went to grab plates and silverware for everyone.

"Alright, let's dig in." Harry set the food down in front of us and took his seat across from me.

"Are you two okay?" Pen asked from her seat, my eyes widened a little.

"Of course, Penelope. Why wouldn't we be?" I asked, placing some food on her plate.

"Well, you've been weird. Like really weird." She said simply, shrugging and digging into her food. I didn't know what to say. I chopped up some food for Danny and playing it on his tray.

"Mommy's mad at Daddy." Harry said from across the table, my eyes met him. I sent him a glare. "Daddy was mean to Anastasia and she hasn't forgiven me yet." Harry explained to Pen.

"Daddy hasn't apologized." I said simply, eyes still locked with Harry, who rolled his eyes slightly before looking away. Were we both being a bit childish right now? Maybe.

~~~

The kids were down for their nap so I took the opportunity to finish up the remaining laundry that I avoided for the past two days, I dumped the baskets full of clothes onto the couch and started to fold and separate them into piles. I should've known better than to think Harry wouldn't take the opportunity to talk to me when the kids were down.

"Anastasia." I looked up to see Harry walking into the living room, I gave him a small nod before turning back to the clothes, not stopping my folding. "Can we please talk." He pleaded beside me. I still remained silent, not sure what to say. He turned my body so that I would face him, he held onto my shoulders lightly.

"I am so sorry." His eyes darted all over my face, trying to catch and expression. "I never should have let her talk to you like that, you're right. You are so much more than just a nanny to me. To us. You are part of this family." He begged. "I don't know why I talked to you like that and I should've defended you instantly. You have no reason to forgive me but please. Please forgive me." Harry got down on his knees and I started laughing, not being able to keep a stoic face. Harry smiled at me, happy he got me to crack. How could I not? He was on his knees, hands clasped and a pout on his face, I didn't stand a chance.

"It hurt, Harry." I said, sadly. "I don't know what I was expecting to happen when she came over, honestly. But it really sucked to hear her talk to me like that, and you didn't do anything. I get it, she's your mother in law. But I-" I stopped, running my hand over my face in frustration. I plopped onto the couch, Harry following me. "It just hurt a lot."

"Earlier.. you said you were treated poorly your whole life.." Harry said cautiously. "Did you mean when you said you felt like you didn't have a family?" His voice was soft and gentle. My body was stiff at the mention of my family, my past. I was a closed book when it came to my past, never wanting to let anyone in. The only person that knew the full story of me besides my grandma is Tina.

"Uhh.." I said awkwardly, I guess I owe him an explanation since I'm the one that blurted it out. "Yeah.. My past was definitely not rainbows and sunshine." I laughed awkwardly. Harry only nodded, wanting me to continue talking.

"I lost my mom at a really young age, I was 5. She was a victim in a store robbery, she was shot. I don't remember much but it took a toll on my dad. He lost himself, got into drugs, drank a lot, he was never the same." I winced, thinking about the when my life turned south.

"Whenever he was sober he was caring, he treated me normally, but that was hardly ever. My dad drank basically whenever he could. It didn't matter if it was seven in the morning or five in the evening. He drank his sorrows away." I sighed, I definitely didn't wake up today expecting to tell Harry my life story.

"In a way, I always felt bad for him. He lost his wife, his love, his soul mate and the only way he was able to drown out the pain, was to drink it away." I mumbled. "I guess a part of me was mad at myself that I wasn't enough for him to be sober and get his life together. He was always so angry with me, like he hated me." I looked at Harry, he was watching my intently as he bit on his fingernails as he listened to me talk.

"Then it made sense. He was always angry at me because when he looked at me, all he saw was mom." I let out a painful laugh. "And then I started to hate myself. I was a walking reminder of the fact that he no longer had mom. It was hard, he screamed at me, told me that I was worthless. Sometimes he'd tell me that he wishes I'd never been born, all while he was out of his mind of course. He'd never say anything like that when he was sober." Harry held my hand tightly as I talked, a reminder that he's there. A reminder that I'm safe now and that he's listening.

"He never hit me though. There were a few times where he almost did but I managed to talk him down. As soon as I turned 18 I was out the door, I worked two jobs to make sure I had enough money to live once I left. I changed all my contact info, I didn't want him to contact me or find me ever." I said sadly, it wasn't fair to my dad. He was just broken and hurting, but I wanted that part of my life to be over and done with.

Harry's hand rested on my hand, rubbing it with his thumb it gave me a sense of security and comfort.

"You don't have to keep going." He said softly but I shook my head, I might as well get it out now.

"As much as I hate my dad for treating me the way he did, I owe him for who I am today. Sure it was traumatic and led me to make bad decisions growing up. But I'm who I am today because of him, I am as strong as I am today because of him. It isn't right what he did, no child should ever have to go through what I did. In some twisted way, I understand where all the anger came from now. If I were in his shoes I would fall off the wagon too, he was angry and he had a right to be angry. The anger was just misplaced." I said truthfully. "He was controlling, every part of my life he tried to control. It normalized manipulation in my life.." I said sadly, Scott instantly came into my thoughts and I winced. Here goes nothing.

"I had this boyfriend." I laughed, through the pain in my voice. "He was everything to me. And I mean everything." My eyes scrunched at the thought of our relationship. "We dated for 3 years, junior year of high school through my freshman year of college. He was older than me, he was 20 and I was 16 when we started dating. Of course, I was 16 and in love. I'd do anything for him, he told me he loved me and I believed him." I stopped talking, not sure if I was bold enough to continue talking. Harry scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.

"It's okay, I'm right here." He whispered. He could definitely tell I was having a hard time.

"He was just like my dad, but way worse. He had this hold on me, Tina hated him. She despised who I became because of him... He led to me drugs, he was abusive to me in all ways you could possibly think of." The words were getting harder to form and I could feel my throat closing up and tears prickling my eyes. Harry's hand stroked my side comforting me, it worked.

"You asked me why I always had my hair up in a ponytail." I cleared my throat. "Well, my dad was military. He didn't care when I was a kid much, but once I turned into a teenager something switched. Suddenly he always wanted my hair in a bun or a ponytail- tight and out of my face. I never really understood why but he was on drugs and constantly drunk and I just assumed that caused him to make this stupid rule. I did it though, to ease his anger. You'd never see me walk out my room without my hair up." I rolled my eyes at my dads idiotic house rules.

"But Scott." My voice cracked and I hated the way it did so. "He- Uhh.. He always wanted it up, specifically braided, so when he would.." I exhaled sharply, tears officially leaving my eyes. I took a deep breathe before continuing. "When he would have sex with me, he had a better grip on me." I said, covering my face with my hands, absolutely embarrassed. I never let anyone hear this, I always kept it to myself.

"It was never good for me, I hated having sex with him after the first couple times. He was too rough, too aggressive, he didn't care about my pleasure or if I was okay with it. It didn't matter if I told him no, it didn't matter if I tried to get him to stop. He didn't stop. He never stopped. My body was no longer mine, it was his to use whenever he wanted." I cried.

"Anastasia, you don't have to keep going.. I understand." Harry held me close to him tightly.

"I.. I don't tell people. It's so embarrassing. I'm so ashamed." I admitted.

"Hey.. hey.. This is not your fault." Harry held my face in his hands and forced me to look at him. He too had tears forming in his eyes, he was hurting for me.

"What those monsters did to you is not your fault. You are not strong because of them. You are strong because of you." He said. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but I promise I will never let anything happen to you ever again." His face was hard, I could tell he was angered by what I told him, he cared. He pulled me into his arms and held me tightly, whispering words of comfort in my ear.

"Thank you, Harry." I said quietly, crying into his shirt.

"Thank you for being vulnerable with me. I'm so sorry for Wednesday night. I'm so sorry that I hurt you." He whispered, kissing the top of my head.

Harry held onto me as if his life depended on it.

In his arms I felt heard.

In his arms I felt safe.

In his arms I felt loved.

In his arms I felt at home.