{32 What is happening to me? Yoongi POV

Yoongi POV

Even though I practiced these songs millions of times, I felt nervous extremely nervous more than usual. Maybe it was because of the stress he had been feeling because he had been working more than usual. Soon big hit was going to debut the new boy group and I felt the need to show a better version of myself. So I pushed myself a little further, worked a little harder put in a few more hours. There was also the pressure of finishing the album on time. I had been working a lot barely sleeping. I didn't what exactly caused these nerves to skyrocket but it reminded me of the old days where my knees would shake before every performance. Over the years it had gotten better and I hadn't felt like this for years, I didn't understand why this was happening again.

''Everyone gathers!'' Namjoon called loudly over the fan chants that had already started inside of the venue.

I walked over to Namjoon and patted my back that had been hurting a little probably because of the stress and exercise he has been doing lately. It was nothing serious, but it still was another reminder he wasn't like the others who were fit and perfect. If I am not even able to perform something we've done a thousand times before how was I going to compete with the new fresh and young boys at our company? I caught a glimpse of my reflection in one of the camera lenses that were following us backstage for an upcoming movie. It didn't show a pretty image, My eyes were sunken back and large dark circles were still present even with all the layers of make-up covering them. I looked disgusting, how was I going to perform like this? I pushed all the feelings back and gathered my courage and walked over to Namjoon. Everyone had gathered in a small circle and we put our hands together.

''Are you guys ready?'' Namjoon asked and looked around the circle.

I gulped, there was no reason for me to not be ready. I knew all the songs and dances by heart. I could even perform them blindfolded but why were my heart racing and my knees shaking. Why? Why was this happening again, I was passed this years ago. Maybe if I would have practiced one more time yesterday, maybe then I would have felt more confident today. I knew I shouldn't be thinking like this, one more practice shouldn't matter, especially since we've practiced this dozen of times. Then why? Why did it feel as it was not enough? As if I was not enough not ready for this?

Everyone except me nodded and Namjoon must have noticed because his eyes lingered at me for longer than any of the other members. I clenched my jaw trying to keep my composure I needed to be strong, for everyone for the fans. They were already screaming at the top of there lungs, cheering excitedly, but my mind wasn't in the game it was blank. My heart still pounding in my chest and a knot was forming in my throat making it hard to breathe. This wasn't good if it would go on like this there was no way I would be able to perform like this. Suddenly something in the fan chant changed, they weren't cheering us on anymore. It changed to a deafening screaming indecipherable, so loud as if they were trying to chase us away, screaming at us to get lost and go home. Somewhere I knew this wasn't real, it was just my nerves screwing with my head, but it was too late the damage was done. It felt as if everyone was looking down on me, thinking that I didn't deserve to be there on that stage. There was no way I was going to be able to perform like this. Slowly I staggered back, clutching a hand to my chest, breathing heavingly. All the members looked at me with shocked wide eyes.

''Yoongi??'' Seokjin asked confused, ''Are you okay? You look kind of pale.''

There shocked worried expressions just made everything worse, I had let them down, just like I had done to everyone else. At that moment I wanted to do nothing else than run, run far, away from this place, away from all the staring eyes. So, that was what I did, shaking my head I turned around and ran. Like a coward, I ran. I ran down the hallway not caring about the worried and shocked eyes following me with everything step. If I could I would have run out to the streets far away from this place but I knew there would be fans waiting for me outside and facing them was the last thing I wanted. So, instead, I ran to the only place I knew I could be alone, the bathroom. I ran down a flight of stairs almost tripping down the stairs but somehow making it unscathed to the bottom of the stairs. I dashed around the last corner feeling dizzy and nauseous. When I entered the bathroom I ran for the toilet and barely made it before I threw up the small breakfast I had before the performance. I curled up into a ball hugging the toilet not caring about hygienics, It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore especially me. I was worthless, I just ran away like a coward. Even back in the days when I thought everything was getting too much I never ran, I always had faced my fears head-on. I didn't understand why this was happening now. It had been so long since I had felt like this it was a slap in the face. I felt like a good for nothing not able to do a single thing right. Emotionless I lay on the floor staring into nothing.

*BZZZZ BZZZZ*

*BZZZZZ BZZZZZZZ*

I struggled to get my phone out of pocket the irritating thing had been buzzing constantly and I was about to throw it into the toilet bowl not wanting to talk to anyone right now until I saw the name on the screen. Y/N. Even though I was in no state to talk right now I couldn't ignore her. I just couldn't.

''Yoongi!!!'' She desperately exclaimed on the other end of the phone.

I think I had stopped breathing for a moment because I was gasping for air a moment later.

''Y/N,'' I barely whispered between sharp short breaths.

''What's wrong?'' She asked in a worried voice.

''I- I-,'' I stammered not wanting to admit how much of a worthless piece of shit I was, therefore, it surprised me when I said my next words, ''I can't take this....''

I was telling her the truth, nothing else than the hard truth but somehow it felt right being honest to her. Something in me told me she wanted to have heard the truth so it had come out without thinking about it.

''What?'' She said surprised before continued in a voice so full with understanding and sympathy it almost hurt ''Yoongi..''

''I- I- Don't know what do..''I breathed hard still not able to lie to her.

''Yoongi..'' She said in a soft voice that somehow in this whole chaos of emotions made it through to me. I tightened my grip on the toilet I was still hugging tightly like it was the only thing keeping me alive. Even though a moment ago I was lying on the floor emotionless the emotions were now rushing through me almost being too much to bear, the self-hate, the anger, the sorrow everything was there telling me how useless I was. I didn't deserve to be here, for this performance, I never deserved to get this far. The first tear started rolling down my cheek, I quickly wiped it away denying it had ever been there.

''I- I- I'm useless,'' I stammered to her not even knowing why I was telling her this. Telling her the deepest darkest feelings that had settled into my soul years ago when I was worth nothing. Tears were starting to roll down my cheeks in a constant stream I tried keeping the sobs in, she shouldn't hear them. She shouldn't feel sorry for me.

''Yoongi,'' She said in a strong confident tone, ''Listen to me.''

''N-No,'' I stammered not wanting to listen to her because she would break me, ''I can't, can't, I- I- don't deserve to be an idol.''

''Yoongi!'' She says again louder this time more demanding, ''Listen to me!''

Something in her voice made me go silent made me listen.

''I know that you are hurting, a lot, I can feel it,'' She said and continued in the same stern confident tone that hit me at exactly the right spot, ''I don't understand what is exactly happening, but you are not useless and if anyone deserves to be an idol it's you. And I know I am not just speaking from myself there are millions and I mean literally millions of fans who believe in you and they don't care what you do, they love you anyway. You could just breathe into a microphone and they would scream enthusiastically because it is you... It's okay if sometimes you feel insecure. Yoongi, you are human too, you are made to be real, not perfect. And that's what fans like about you, they see themselves in you, your lyrics and you inspire them to be a better version of themselves.''

An emotion that was so out of place in this situation started creeping up in my chest lifting the heavy, dark emotions pressing on my chest. The emotion felt so misplaced that it couldn't be real so, I ignored it not wanting to put faith into something that wasn't meant to be there.

''I am one of those fans,'' Y/N whispered into the phone, ''I believe in you and I'm proud to say that...''

She stopped for a moment and I think my heart also stopped for a moment anticipating her next words. What if those feelings weren't fake? What if it was what she is feeling right now?

''....That....,'' She repeated in a soft caring voice, ''I love you.''

I had still cried on the floor of a small bathroom sending my deepest darkest emotions to her, which must have slammed into her like a wall. It must have been overwhelming for her, I had known them before, she hadn't but still, she fought back. A feather-light emotion strong enough to break through the darkest walls creeping between the smallest cracks lifting the curse upon my soul. My heart burst open inviting in the emotion that hadn't seemed real before, it spread through me like wildfire reaching into the deepest darkest thoughts that held me captive for all these years, lifting the curse upon my soul. It was amazing what love could do.

''I love you too,'' I said and softly smiled through all the tears, ''Thank you, for everything.''

---

Another chapter!!! I'm sorry for the cliffhanger from the last chapter I hope this makes things a little better.

Last weekend I decided enough was enough and I finally bought a new phone! I was also kind of a birthday present, I asked everyone to give me money so I could afford to buy a new. Because seriously the old one was worthless... Yesterday it finally arrived in the mail and I am so happy!!! It works perfectly!! Now I can finally watch BTS in HD on my phone !!!

Random character fact:

You have the bad habit of breaking your phones, you never seem to be able to keep your screen uncracked. Haneul, on the other hand, is always very careful with her phone, she always buys a case and a screen protector just to be sure. Jieun doesn't care if it breaks she just buys a new one, no biggy, but somehow she manages to keep them in better health than you most of the time.

(I thought I was nice to keep the topic of phones hahaha)

BTw: I always try to answer most of the comments but it's getting harder and harder for me to keep up with everything. So if I missed your comment I'm sorry. I'm doing the best I can. I seriously love reading your comments and they are the best motivation. Even on the worst days just reading your comments makes me so happy! But Wattpad seriously needs to make a separate section for votes, comments on your own story and comments from other stories. My notification sections are always a chaotic mess and answering comments for the most part just scrolling through the mess of notifications trying to decipher them.