It came back in waves, remembering fragments of what had happened when I was younger. Nothing too strange or out of the ordinary and yet I felt a strange tug in my gut when I thought too hard about it.

Trauma is complicated, differing between each person from the symptoms to the cause. Childhood trauma is the same... in some cases, the only difference in some cases is that the developing brain will either A. Block out the trauma and any memory connected to it. Or B. Cling to the memory and allow it to fester.

I can't remember much from that time.

I was too young to understand what was happening yet now things were coming back in waves. Fragments. I can still feel the fear that coursed through my veins, that made my blood run cold and left me shaking in my hospital bed for what felt like hours.

I understand that feeling now, I was just scared of the unknown, but still, I felt as helpless as I once had.

It was the first time in my life that Jonathan and I had been separated, the reason wasn't clear at the time and yet I understood why he couldn't be in the room with me. I understood why Mom had to lie to me to keep me calm, maybe to even keep herself calm. Nothing was gonna hurt me, we'd gone to the hospital for help. But why does it only come back in waves?

What happened?

~~~

A young girl sat perched on the edge of her hospital bed, her legs shaking from the anxiety that coursed through her veins. With every sniffle, her shoulders would rise; resulting in the oversized hospital gown slipping down one shoulder before she would dejectedly tug it back into place. Her hands repeatedly scrunched the material of the gown in a poor attempt to relieve the uneasiness that ate away at her gut.

The sound of the door to her room being pushed open caused her to jump in her place, wide eyes landing on her mother who stood awkwardly halfway through the door. Even a child could piece together that this meant her mother wasn't allowed in the room.

"Everything alright, honey? Tell mama what's got you all worked up..." Her mother's soothing voice calmed her rapidly beating heart. "I'm scared..." She sniffles out, watching as her mother's gaze awkwardly bounced between her and whoever lingered outside the door beside her.

"Hey... It's okay. There's nothing to be afraid of, okay? They just need to run a few tests. It's nothing to be worried about." Her words did little to soothe the girl as she quickly shook her head at her mother's words.

"Something's wrong... here. I don't like this place..." She admitted, whispering the last part out of fear that the wrong person would hear her.

Her mother's eyes filled with worry but her face scrunched in contemplation of what she could do.

Turning her head to face whoever stood outside, the girl listened as her mother whispered desperately to them.

"I can only give you a minute." The voice was soft yet firm, holding the regret he felt from keeping a mother from her child. "That's fine... Just give me a minute and she'll be ready."

The door pushed open fully to reveal her mother's pregnant form. Carefully approaching her daughter, she smiled down at her sadly. "Hey... There's my strong girl."

Shaking her head again, her anxious hands moved to play with the hem of the maroon shirt her mother wore, the material just barely concealing the bump that rested there. "I don't like it here... Where's Jon-" Her mother hushed quickly, forcefully placing a hand over her mouth before she could say her brother's name.

Staring up at her with wide, worried eyes, she watched as her mother slowly crouched down in front of her, placing her palms over the hands that pulled at her gown.

"It's okay... It's okay." She whispered to her daughter, bringing a gentle hand up to her cheek to wipe away her tears. "I know... I'm sorry, but you can't..." Her mother struggled to find the words before taking in a sharp breath. "They just need to check a few things, okay? Then we can all go home..." She promised with a thin smile.

Staying silent, she watched as her mother moved to stand up straight, quickly latching her hands back onto her mothers before releasing a whine in protest.

"Hey, hey... Don't worry, it's nothing bad. It's just-- just a game." Her mother's words caused the girl to frown in confusion. "Like a puzzle..." She added, sliding her hands over her daughter's reassuringly. "You like puzzles. Don't you, honey?" She questioned softly with a sad smile.

The young girl's eyes scanned around the room as she took a moment to think. "I guess so..." She mumbled softly.

"Well, this is just like that... You're just gonna help them solve some puzzles and play a few games, okay? And then we can go home." Her mother's rushed words were meant to soothe her but her attention was stolen by the door that clicked open behind the woman.

A man carefully entered the room, hands clasped in front of him, his eyes moved between the mother and child. "How are we feeling? Ready to begin-"

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead." A voice called out, pushing open my door and pulling me out of my sleep. Jerking out of my place, my eyes shot open. Taking in a deep breath before placing a hand over my eyes.

January 15th, 1986

Lenora Hills, California

"Eleanor, It's just that your file is a little... difficult to understand." Ms. Lindy tilted her wired-framed glasses down the bridge of her nose as her eyes moved away from the file in her hands to focus on me. "We really don't need to meet. I mean, I feel... fine. Really, I've been doing okay."

Pursing her lips, she shook her head lightly at my words before moving to place her glasses on the top of her head, strands of brown and grey pushing back slightly. "I've worked with a lot of kids, Eleanor. I know how to read all of my students, that includes you." Her tone was too sweet, a false sense of kindness laced her words that made my fake smile turn into a scowl.

"Don't I get a choice in all of this? Sure, the move was hard at first but I've adjusted... Doesn't that count for anything?" I questioned with a quirked brow, lacing my hands in front of me before resting them on my lap. "When you transferred, your previous guidance counselor made a point to mention some of the... Some of the things that you've been through."

Nodding slightly, I shrugged at her words. "That was nothing... I'm doing fine."

Nodding her head slowly, Mrs. Lindy pulled the glasses back over her eyes before reading the file. "Can you tell me about Barbara?"

Clenching my teeth at the question, I shook my head. "She was my friend..." I mumbled out, catching my lip between my teeth to gnaw on the skin. "Do you want to tell me what happened to her?" She pushed. "I'm sure it says in there what happened." I scoffed, squinting my eyes at her.

"What about your step-dad? His name was Bob, right?"

Frowning at the question, I stared down at my lap. "He dated my Mom for a while but he never lived with us or anything." I stated, thinking over the countless nights Bob had spent hanging out at the house. How happy he made Mom for such a short amount of time. "Says here you viewed him as a father figure... I'm sure it's been hard for you since he passed."

Swallowing heavily, I nodded. "I wasn't the only person affected by his death. I don't see what this has to do with anything?"

"I'm finding the root of the problem, Eleanor." Rolling my eyes, I buried my face in my hands. "Just Nell is fine, thanks." I scoffed out, listening to the sound of a pen scratching against paper. "So what's your next question? Gonna ask me about my other dead friend? How about when my little brother went missing? Think that'll help you weed out the problem?"

Pulling her eyes away from the notebook she wrote in, she sighed softly before shaking her head at my questions. "I'm only trying to help you, Nell." Her words were meant to be comforting but they only succeeded in deepening my frown. "Nell, my next question only pertains to you okay? Something only you can answer and only affected you, okay?"

Taking in a deep breath, I pulled at the ring on my finger. "You won't have to answer any more questions, I promise." She assured gently as she laced her hands under her chin. "Okay..." I mumbled, nodding for her to continue, I felt like I was being confined in this office and it was beginning to suffocate me.

"I want to ask you about your relationship with your father... Can you tell me about him?" She questioned, earning a simple shrug from me. "There's nothing to talk about. I mean, he was in and out of the house my whole life... Finally decided to stay gone a few years ago." I answered quickly, eyes darting between my fingers and my lap, the two suddenly becoming rather interesting.

"Can you tell me about when he did live with you? Maybe when you were little?"

Shaking my head, I searched my mind to find anything to describe my father. "I mean... He drank a lot... And he and Mom fought like all the time."

"Can you tell me what would happen after they fought?" Her question caused my eyes to narrow, forcing a blank expression onto my features as I thought back to those years. "He'd leave," I stated forcefully. "Wouldn't come back till the next day... Sometimes a few days later. That was it."

"Nell, you can tell me what happened. I'm here to help, let me help you." She frowned before leaning over her desk. "Can you tell me what happened to you?"

"Jesus, are purposefully trying to break me down or something? I've moved past all of this." I scoffed, standing from my seat with a huff before quickly grabbing my bag from off the floor. "No, you've blocked all of this out. It isn't healthy to hide your emotions... And it's beginning to show. It's important that you accept them." She spoke quickly in the hopes of stopping me from leaving her office.

Glaring at the woman, I shook my head slightly at her words before looking back down at my hands. The sight that greeted me caused me to jump in my place. Rather than landing on plain, pale hands, my eyes landed on fresh welts that littered the pads of my fingers, and above them rested painful bruises. The skin of my right wrist was decorated with deep shades of red and purple.

"Eleanor?" Ms. Lindy called out to me, pulling my attention away from the gore and back onto her. "It'll stay between us." She tried again as I looked back down at my hands, now unblemished.

"I'm not talking about that. I said that... I'm fine and I'd like to stay that way." I stated, pulling my backpack strap tighter before pushing open the door and hurrying out of her office.