I hate my phone

I see people in it

When I look up from its screen

We are all sitting at a table

I see you

I see my friends

I see my family

I see their phones

I imagine I'm sitting there

Asking you a question

Telling you something

Smiling, crying, or laughing

And you look back at me

And I stare at you

I wait

I wait as you talk to someone else

As you do something else

I imagine you are looking at me

Glancing at my words

Glancing at what I said

I see that you are busy

Yet I can't help but feel impatient

Restless

Unwanted

Annoying

I message those who I know will answer

I see them smile from across the table

I feel a hollow happiness

And compare their swiftness to your absence

I know it's wrong

I know I am impatient

I know it's unhealthy to expect everyone to see a table

I know that one day

Someday

You'll answer me

So I learn to deal with it

I turn my phone off

I put it away

It makes me happy to not see it

To put it on my bed

To ignore the table and you sitting there staring

I learn to expect nothing

When I pick it up hours later

To be happy when there is something there

And to not be disappointed when there isn't

I try not to imagine us sitting at a table

And I remind myself that I'm alone

Just alone

Just with my phone

So I try not to text you

I try not to text you when I have nothing to say

I try not to ask you how you are

If you aren't asking me

I try to distract myself with everything else

My words

My art

Music

But even when I'm standing across the room

I can still see it all

My phone is laying on the table

Laying on the table you are sitting at

And I wonder

Why you can see your phone

See me

And say nothing

So I do not say goodnight

I do not ask you how you are

I throw my phone across the room

And wish I did not think in such unhealthy ways

Madeleine