"Cali, baby girl," Matt tried to comfort me, and to ask me what was wrong, but I was too much of a mess to reply.

My eyes were streaming, as if the ice had just melted. My face must have been blotchy and a real red mess. I was sniffling and I couldn't seem to stop.

My life was just some shitty drama series that I somehow couldn't escape from, and again, I had acted rationally and in the heat if the moment, I had acted badly. But was I going to change what I did? Was this for the best? I didn't know.

All I knew was that I felt a hundred times worse than I did before, knowing Kyle wasn't here to help me. I didn't seek comfort through my own boyfriend, I only left myself empty and alone. That wasn't right, surely to God that wasn't right.

"Come on," Matt got up from the floor.

"Go away, please, go away," I pleaded. I loved him, but I needed to be alone. I was pushing yet another person I loved away, and I couldn't help it. It was my natural instinct, it was who I am.

"No, bestfriends don't back out on eachother, I'm taking you home," Matt replied as he lifted me into his arms. "Wow, you've gotten lighter," he added in astonishment. "Or my muscles are getting bigger," he looked down to his biceps almost as if he was taking to himself.

I wanted to laugh at him, but I couldn't, my heart was too broken for that.

He tredged to the car, and I didn't kick up a fuss. He laid me into the passengers seat and I sobbed beside him. He also sat in the car, and started the ignition almost straight away.

"It won't be like this for long,"

"Please, take me home," I sniffed. I could still feel the anger bubbling inside of me, and I was almost ready to explode.

Why did I have the worst luck in the world? I was angry with life, I was angry with the world.

We held some of the most aggressive people here, we hold so much misery and unhappiness, and it came to me, hitting me so hard and knocking me over until I was also the one in that dark deep pit of dispair.

Why me? I ask. Why me?

The car stopped on the side just a few minutes later, and I walked to the front of my house with Matt following behind me. I just wanted to be alone, I wanted to cry to myself, not infront of a one man audience.

"Go home," I demanded as I unlocked my door. "I want to be alone," he hesitated before replying,

"I don't want to leave you alone like this,"

"Well you're going to have to, because I need to be alone, Matt," he sighed in defeat. He kissed me on the forehead before retreating.

"Ring me if you need me baby girl, and please, don't do anything stupid," he pleaded as he made his way to his car.

I slammed the door shut and stomped my way into the kitchen. I laid my head in my hands and my elbows on the kitchen island.

My father had cancer, that was something that held in my mind. Kyle never told me about it, and he knew before I did. I was my fathers daughter, shouldn't I have known first? I was so angry at them both for that. I was angry because I was angry at Kyle when I shouldn't have been, but I'm embarrassed and ashamed I didn't even realise my dad had this illness and that he didn't even bother to tell me before Kyle who was a complete stranger to him at first. I had never been a stranger to my own father, I should have been told.

I should have been told!

I whipped my hand across the counter and hit the glass on the side. It went tumbling down onto the floor and it shattered into a million pieces, representing my heart.

"Fuck!" I cursed loudly. "Fuck everything!" I almost screamed. I was so angry and so heartbroken and upset and my head was a mess. Why couldn't I have had a normal teenage life?

I wasn't coping well. I didn't know how to cope now. What was my coping mechanism? I had never had to try it out until now.

What did I want? What do I need? Pain. Was pain my only option? Nothing was working.

I made my way to the sink, and got a pair of scissors from the bottom. I laid the blade across my wrist and I was ready to hurt myself further.

If I could take my mind off the mental pain, by causing physical pain, maybe I would feel better and a whole lot more stable.

I didn't want attention, I just wanted stability, I just wanted to be free of my emotions. I wanted to feel better.

I had never tried pain, but it works for some people, which means it could work for me. If only I could dig that blade into the depths of my skin, maybe all the emotions would come flying out of the various cuts. Maybe the scars were a constant look at what I had accomplished and what I had gone through.

A picture of my weakness.

No, fuck, no, I couldn't do that. What the fuck was I doing?

"No!" I shouted to myself.

I let out a growl in complete anger and moved the scissors up to my hair.

I started to chop the pieces of my hair. They loved my hair so much, and now some of it was gone. Less to love I guess.

Long, thick strands of hair floated to the floor the more I cut. I only cut it shoukder length, but I felt less angry, and I didn't inflict pain on myself.

After the hair was gone, I threw the scissors against the wall as I let out a scream. I fell to the floor in exhaustion and tiredness.

I sobbed my heart away on the cold tiles, and I was shaking until my body was just as messy as my brain was.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was being picked up.

"Get off me," I let out. I didnt know who it was and I couldn't quite seem to open my eyes to check. The arms didn't feel like Kyle's, and that's the first thing I thought about, the first thing that came to my mind; Kyle. My Kyle.

But he wasn't my Kyle anymore, was he? Did he love me still? Did he want me now?

"Oh, love," my dad's voice croaked. "I didn't mean to hurt you like this," he laid me down in bed and tucked me under the blanket.

"Why?" I whispered as my eyes were still closed. I heard him sigh and sniffle.

"I didn't want to make your life worse, I didn't want my final months spent just looking at you with sadness all over your face. The last thing I wanted to see of you was that pretty smile and those twinkling eyes full of mishchief like they were when you were just a kid. I wanted you to stay my happy little girl, because even then when you cried, you broke my heart, and you're breaking it now," he sat on the end of the bed.

"You're breaking my heart too, dad, I don't have Kyle and soon I won't have you," the tears began falling as I opened my eyes to my father. He moved up the bed further.

"Kyle will always be next to you, he will always protect you, I made him promise, and I heard about you finishing him. This is stupid, Cali, you can't blame the kid, you have to blame me, and luckily, you can't finish me, but there's one thing I ask,"

"What?" I wiped my hand across my both eyes.

"I want my final months full of you, I want my final months seeing you happy, will you do that for me?" He asked as he touched the ends of my hair which were now up to my shoulders.

"I can't promise that, dad, just knowing you're dying is killing me," the tears began falling again as I said it.

"You'll be fine, love, I swear to you you'll be fine, you're strong enough to get through this, even when I've left,"

"You can't leave,"

"Sometime, I'm going to have to, this is fate, this is where I'm leading, up there," he pointed to the ceiling. "Away from you in person, but I'll be sure to come back and haunt you," I laughed slightly and he winked my way.

"Just don't leave me yet, I'm not ready,"

"I won't, I've got some time to spend with you," he kissed me on the cheek before standing up. "Luckily your dad's still a cool guy and up for some fun in his final months," I laughed again.

"Shut up," he chuckled before making his way to the door.

"Oh, and Cali? Your hair makes you look extremely mature, I think we need to put you back into pigtails again,"

"Oh good God, no," I smiled.

"I like your hair still, whether it's short or long, you're my daughter I'll love you more than anything," he smiled back. He was just about to close the door shut when I replied.

"Right here, dad," he peeked his head through the door.

"What?" I pointed to my heart.

"Right here,"

"Right here," he laid his hand against his chest before shutting the door again.

I turned into my pillow, and I started to cry again.

Nothing ever gave me more pain knowing I was losing someone closest to me, and nothing hurt as bad as knowing I was without someone I loved the most.

I was just a teenage girl at the end of that day, and even if nobody understood me and my actions, I knew I did.

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Shortest chapter ever and I'm sorryyyyy:(

I took ages to update and I'm sorry for that too:(

Hope you enjoyed even if it was small and little, love you xx