I always thought he looked so cute in his casual sweats, especially now, compared to how much more eccentric he had started to become on stage; it made him look human again, like the simple boy I had fallen in love with from back home. He quickly made his way over to the van, his eyes concerned, eventually giving me a sympathetic smile when he saw my face in the window. I couldn't help but smile back, for a moment almost forgetting how angry I was with him.

I did my best to forget about that before he opened the door, now leaning against it's frame.

"Hey.." He said, his voice so soft and gentle. It was so hard to stay mad at him, knowing he always had the best intentions, even if they didn't always come through the way he intended.

"Hi.." I muttered, knowing he was going to want to talk about this. This meaning.. Jake. But part of me loved that, just knowing how quick he would be to make sure that I was okay, despite the fact that at the same time, if Jake and I had actually broken up, Jake would have needed comforting too.

And yet here he was.

"Are you okay?" He asked, starting to reach out for me, but quickly stopped himself, shoving his hands into his pockets. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the way he held me when he comforted me. He always knew exactly what to say, exactly what to do to make me feel better, no matter what was wrong.

I wish it could still be that simple.

"I'm okay." I said, giving him a gentle smile. He nodded, holding his stare on me as if not entirely convinced. And if things were actually wrong, he would've been right. If Jake and I had broken up, I would be a mess, a complete mess, and would've wanted nothing more than for him to comfort me in ways I knew only he was capable of. There were just some things things that only he knew about me, that a just came with a lifetime of always being there.

Sometimes I felt like he even knew me better than I knew myself.

"Jake told me what happened." He said, moving in closer. I bit down on my lip, feeling my heart start to beat faster. I hated the idea of lying to him. I had never lied to him, and I hated that we had to do this. Part of me still didn't even understand why we did, but.. it was important to Jake, so.. I'd play along for him.

"Yeah.." I sighed, avoiding his eyes. He reluctantly climbed into the van, sliding onto the seat next to me. I felt my cheeks burn as his body brushed up against mine, carefully wrapping his arm around me, pulling me in closer. I hesitated before finally leaning my head on his shoulder, cuddling close, taking in his familiar fresh scent that I loved so much.

"If you ever need anything.. just.. let me know, okay?" He said softly, pressing his lips against the top of my head. I couldn't help but feel like this was wrong, despite his innocent intentions. Or so I'd assume.

"Thank you." I muttered, not wanting to say too much, digging myself deeper into the hole we had created. The less I said, the less I would technically be lying to him, right?

"Are you.. still gonna stay?" He asked. "I mean.. considering? Cause.. I.. I'd understand if.. you didn't want to be around him, because of everything. But.. I mean, I'd still.. love for you to be here. We could.. do our own thing, if you want. If that would make it easier for you. I just.. don't want you to think you're not welcome. I always want you here."

I peeked back up at him, unable to contain my smile as he flashed me that wide grin that I had fallen in love with so many years ago. I never understood how he managed to do it, make me melt from the inside out without even trying, and I never understood how it always seemed to be reserved just for me.

I turned away, trying my best to hide my now blushing face as I saw him slowly moving his hand closer to mine.

"Well, I did come all the way out here.." I said. "I'd.. still love to see you too." I saw his eyes instantly light up, a small grin escaping his lips. I felt my face get hot again.

"I know you said it was hard out here.." I added. He shrugged, now looking away.

"It's not too bad, it's just.. I don't know. It's okay."

"And.. you're okay?" He shrugged again.

"I'm okay when you're here, Jaime. You make me okay." My heart jumped.

"Josh, can we.. talk about what happened? Before you left?" I asked, sitting back up to face him. He held his stare on me, his cheeks now burning red.

"W-what about it?"

"You kissed me." He nodded, avoiding my eyes again, looking back down at our hands. I could tell how badly he wanted to hold them, and if he finally tried, I don't know if I'd have the heart to stop him.

"I was just.. saying goodbye." He muttered.

"You kissed me goodbye." I said, now reliving it in my mind, over and over again.

It was so simple, so sweet, and felt like it held so much more weight, possibly more than he planned, or maybe it was exactly what he intended. I felt guilty, even still, for how much I had wanted him to do it again.

"I did." He said, finally reaching over for my hand, carefully moving his over mine.

"Why?" I asked, feeling my heart beat faster as he looked back into my eyes. He shook his head, giggling to himself.

"Jaime.." He sighed, shooting me a look. I couldn't help but smile, playfully rolling my eyes.

"You can't just kiss me."

"Why not? He did." He said simply. My stomach dropped.

He wasn't wrong.

But that was besides the point.

"Josh.."

"This doesn't seem fair, Jaime. I mean, I know I can't control how you feel but.. it seems like.. there are rules here but.. it doesn't feel like they apply to him. Only to me. And I guess.. I just want to know why?"

"That's not true.." I said softly, knowing damn well it was, especially when he put it like that. I would always have a soft spot for Jake, and maybe that wasn't fair at all, but.. that's just how things were. And.. maybe I did hold them to a different standard, but.. that didn't change the fact that.. I was still with Jake, and I didn't want to do anything that would ever make him second guess us.

"Yes it is, Jaime.." He sighed, his face dropping. But despite it all, I knew there would always be a section of my heart that was specifically reserved for Josh, and there always would be. He held a lifetime of firsts, and he would always be special, and that's what made this so much harder.

"Well, I'm sorry. Both of you were wrong."

"I don't think you hated it though." He smirked, peeking back at me with a smile. My heart jumped, my body getting hot. I was thankful for how dark it was in the van, knowing how red my face was.

But he was right.

I didn't hate it.

Not even a little bit.

"That's besides the point." I muttered. His smile grew as he bit down on his lip.

"Well, I'm sorry if I crossed a line. And.. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I never want to make you uncomfortable, I just.. Jaime, you know how I feel about you, you know.. how I'm always going to feel about you, but.. I'll never do it again. Not if you don't want me to. I promise. I.. I won't do anything, not unless.. you ask me to."

I stared back up at him, curious if he could hear just how hard my heart was beating. There was just something about him now, something different, something I hadn't seen before.

His eyes then moved back down to my lips, but he didn't move, staying true to his word, despite how badly I'm sure he wanted to act on it again. And after all, in his mind, Jake and I had broken up, so even if he did make another move, he wouldn't exactly be crossing any lines.. but even still. He stayed put. And I was thankful, not knowing how I'd even react if he hadn't.

And then I jumped at the sound of the venue door again, looking over to see the rest of the guys and their girlfriends making their way over to the van.

"If you want.." He said. "I could sit in the middle, so.. you know.. the two of you.." I bit down on my lip, my eyes bouncing back and forth between the two of them. All I wanted to do was finally just get to fall asleep next to Jake after the day we had had, but I knew that now that would just be suspicious.

"O-okay." I finally said, forcing a subtle smile. He nodded, locking the door next to me before climbing over, sitting closer to me, leaving his hand strategically placed on his leg, openly available for whenever I'd feel the need to take hold.

Sam climbed into the driver's seat first, turning back to face me with an uncomfortable grin. I'm sure Jake had told him too, though I wish he hadn't. It would have been nice to at least had someone else who was in on it, just so I could have someone else to talk to, if need be.

And then Jake opened the back door, his face instantly dropping as his eyes shot from Josh's to mine as Josh reached his arm around me, pulling me in closer.