The next morning I woke up in the back of the van to the worst headache of my entire life. What happened last night? I couldn't remember anything. Reaching around, I finally found my phone on the floor, my stomach dropping as I looked at the screen.

3 missed calls from Jaime.

I must've passed out before I had the chance to call her. I told her I would always call her. How was I already screwing this up?

I just didn't think it was going to be so hard out here without her.

I pressed call.

It instantly went to voicemail.

That was weird.

She never had her phone off.

I tried again.

Right to voicemail.

Was she ignoring me? Was she.. mad at me? Honestly, I wouldn't blame her. All she asked of me was that I took care of myself and called her before I went to bed and I couldn't even keep that promise. I was out here living my dream, and she was back at home waiting up for me..

The thought of it killed me.

I tried calling one more time.

Right to voicemail.

I guess I could try again later. Maybe she just needed time to calm down. I guess it was better than fighting but.. there was nothing to fight about. I knew I was wrong. I'd have to look into how to send her flowers.

I hated how she only got apology flowers from me.

Looking around, I could see we were already at the venue. It was a little bigger than the previous ones we've played, which only made me more nervous. That would mean that many more people who didn't care about us.

I really didn't think it was going to be so hard. The shows back home were never like this. I guess we got too spoiled playing for our friends and family so much, that we had forgotten what it feels like to start over again. But despite how hard it's been, I knew it would be so much easier if I could just look over and see Jaime in the wings.

She was the only one I cared about cheering for me.

I searched around for my sunglasses, trying my best to shield my eyes from the blinding sun as I quickly made my way into the venue, looking around for the rest of the guys when I could finally hear Josh's singing off in the distance. It was never too hard to find him.

I peeked my head into one of the dressing rooms to see the three of them gathered around, Sam instantly perking his head up a the sound of the door, giving me a sly grin.

"Hey.." I muttered, making my way in, plopping down on the couch.

"Look who finally decided to get up." Sam laughed. "Not like we've been hanging around in here for a few hours." A few hours?

"Y-yeah.. sorry.." I mumbled, all I could really manage with how much my head was still spinning. I don't know what it was that made me drink so much. Maybe it was just the stress of the tour, the fact that despite how much I looked forward to playing every night, I dreaded getting in front of the crowd knowing how badly they wanted us to get off the stage.

Or maybe I just couldn't handle the fact that every night, I was alone. I had gotten so used to falling asleep with Jaime, my arms wrapped around her, as she cuddled close to me. The sweet smell of her perfume wafting from her hair, finding its way onto my clothes, leaving a little memory of her when I finally had to leave.

Once you've spent the night with the one you love, it's impossible to ever sleep the same alone again. I was empty, and then only thing that filled me up was drinking enough to forget how much the loneliness hurt.

"What have you been working on?" I finally asked, pushing my sunglasses up onto my head, trying my best to adjust to the fluorescent lighting. It was brutal. I'm sure the headliner's room was much nicer.

Maybe one day.

But probably not if things continued like this.

"You would know if you woke up with the rest of us." Josh snapped. I felt my cheeks burn, now avoiding his eyes. I knew he was right. This was my dream that I dragged them all along to, and now I was the one screwing it up. They had every reason to be mad at me.

"Nothing serious." Sam finally said, giving me a gentle smile. I appreciated his ability to let things go so easily. If anyone was going to make this tour bearable, it was going to be him. That and the fact that he wasn't involved in this whole mess with Jaime, and the longer it went on without Josh and I talking about it, the worse it was going to get.

"You got any plans tonight?" Sam asked, smirking at me.

"You mean.. after the show?" He shrugged, eventually nodding. "N-no. Why?"

"Well, the girls are flying in from back home and.. I don't know, figured you and Josh might wanna come out to dinner with us." My heart started beating faster. The girls?

"The girls as in.."

"Leah and Ayla." My stomach dropped.

Their girlfriends.

"O-oh.. n-no. That's okay. I'll just.. I'll hang back, I guess." I sighed. I couldn't bare to sit there, having to watch them with their girlfriends all the while I was all by myself. Nothing was worse than tagging along on a date night.

"You sure? Could be nice just to get out for the night." He insisted, his smile growing "I'm sure it'll be fun." I shook my head, avoiding his eyes. I don't know why he was pushing this so much. He knew how I've been feeling. Why would he think I'd ever want to go out with them?

"Okay, well.. maybe you'll change your mind later. If you do, the invite is open."

"Thanks, Sam." I muttered. He gave me a subtle nod before turning back to his bass.

Eventually, Sam and Danny left to get lunch before soundcheck, now leaving Josh and I alone together in the dressing room. It was amazing how much had changed just over the summer, to the point where it was now uncomfortable being in the same room with him. I hated it, and I never wanted it to come to this, but Jaime was the realest thing I had ever had, and I would have never forgiven myself if I didn't just.. jump.

"Hey.." I finally forced. "Can we.. talk?" He peeked over at me, his eyes still in a permanent glare.

"What do you want to talk about?" He said plainly. I felt my heart beating faster. Why was I suddenly nervous? This was Josh. I should never be nervous around him.

"Jaime." I said softly, now picking at my nails. He shook his head.

"I don't want to talk about Jaime."

"I.. I understand, I just-"

"No." He snapped.

"You know I never wanted anything to ever come between us." I said, despite the fact that he had probably stopped listening. "And.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it was her, but.. I've always loved her. And.. our whole lives I never said anything because.. well.. because it was always the two of you, but.. that didn't change how I felt. But.. I kept it to myself because.. I guess it didn't really matter, because she didn't see me like that anyway.. but then one day she did, and I just.. I needed to know. It was selfish, I know that and I'm sorry but.. I love her so much. I have never felt this way about someone before and.. I'm finally.. happy."

I forced myself to look back over at him, now seeing his face start to relax despite the fact that he still refused to look at me.

"You know how I feel about her." He finally said. I nodded.

"I know."

"And you still did what you did."

"I know."

"That's not what brothers do. That's not.. that's not what we do."

He was right. Never in a million years did I ever think anything would ever come between the two of us, let alone a girl, but Jaime wasn't just a girl. She was the girl. The only girl.

"And honestly, I don't trust you with her." He said softly. My stomach dropped.

"I understand."

"That night in the hot tub-"

"I didn't do anything."

"I don't care. You didn't see her." I did, but I'm sure it wasn't nearly has bad as what he had seen. I couldn't imagine how it must've felt for him, having to be there for her while she cried over me. I know if the roles were reversed, I would probably hate me too.

"I know she's better off with you." I finally admitted. "I do, but.. she makes me someone I've always wanted to be, and it.. it just feels nice to finally feel what everyone's been talking about all these years. I never thought it was real, until.. her."

Finally I heard him sigh, turning back to me.

"I'm just worried that.. she's never going to pursue what she wants to.. because of you."

"W-what do you mean? I.. I would never stop her-"

"I know you wouldn't, but.. I just think.. she's always going to put you first. I'm not blind, I can see it, I know how she feels about you too.. and I think.. it's too much. If you're in the picture.. she is always going to put you first, because that's just what Jaime does. But.. she needs to think about herself right now. You got your dream, so I just think it's time to.. back off and let her go and get hers. And I just don't think she will.. not if you're in the picture."

I would never ask her to do that for me. I wanted Jaime to have the world, whatever that meant for her. But.. deep down.. I think he was right, as much as I hated to admit it. But why couldn't we do this together? I would always support her, just like I knew she supported me. Couples did this all the time.

Why did it have to be one or the other?

"I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just saying.. if you loved her, you'd do what's right so she can live her life too. She deserves her dream, just as much as you do. And maybe.. this would be good for you too."

"What's.. this?" I asked, knowing what he wanted to say, but he stayed quiet, shrugging.

"I just think.. you know what you need to do."