When I finally woke up, the room was dark, and I was able to sit within my hazy consciousness before I remembered.. they were gone. And in an instant, I was empty again.

I suddenly dreaded waking up. There was no singing off in the distance, no gentle strums of guitars in the air, no quiet laughter or beckoning calls from below my window, tossing me up gifts found along the way. I wished I could just live within my dream world with them forever until that van pulled back up the driveway and I'd have them all to myself again.

But it was all gone.

I was left with silence.

And I had never felt colder.

There was a chill in the air now, as if they had packed summer away and took off with it in the back of their van, leaving me with nothing but the early stages of autumn's frigid embrace.

I couldn't listen to music anymore.

It reminded me too much of them.

Rolling over in my bed, I clung tightly to my pillow that I had tried my best to avoid since Jake had left, not wanting to risk masking his smell with my own again. My chest felt tight as I finally buried my face within, taking in the memories of the late nights and early mornings of him still soundly asleep next to me, one arm draped around me, our legs intertwined, searching for all ways to keep him from leaving despite knowing that it didn't matter how tightly I held on.

We were always bound to be torn apart.

I felt sick and faded, hollow and cold, like I had a hole ripped out of me and somehow I was still expected to walk around and exist like nothing was wrong, like my whole heart hadn't climbed into the back of a van and drove away. How cruel the world is to force us to wallow in heartache while wearing our painted smiles for the comfort of others.

I don't think I'd ever be comfortable again, not until he held me in his arms, and I was able to breathe him in once more.

As hard as I tried to block it from my memory, flashes of our last night replayed in my mind, making me wonder if this could have been easier if we hadn't gone so far, if I hadn't given myself so much more to miss, if I hadn't dove headfirst into him without any regard for when I'd reach the surface again.

But instead I drowned in the memory of us.

You never truly realize how much of your existence is wrapped up in someone else until they're gone; every passing thought you want to share with them, every time you reach out your hand only to be met with nothing but empty space. All I wanted was just to be held again, now realizing that he was what was kept me together when I felt like I was falling apart, and now I was slowly but surely coming undone.

I couldn't survive months of this.

Months of empty beds and desperate words through phones who's speakers could never convey the longing on both ends.

How was I supposed to find myself when half of me had just driven away?

And then there was Josh.

I missed him like you miss the warmth of Summer; a brand new day filled with the morning haze, the gentle tingle of daybreak's dew on the freshly mowed grass, always managing to find its way between your toes, sending a satisfying tingle up your spine. He was sun-kissed cheeks, leaving you with a permanent blushing grin. He was the sun. On even my darkest days, it never failed how he lit up my sky with blinding rays, always with the promise of leading me home, even through sunsets shadowy path, my many hours with him were always golden.

But Jake.. he was my moon.

Beautifully blinding light in my night sky, outshining every star, always there to guide me during my darkest nights. His many phases and crescent smiles pushed and pulled me like the tides, always promising me another day to wash up against his shore, welcoming me in no matter how many times I was washed away.

They were both perfect..

in their own ways.

Finally I turned over at the sound of my phone vibrating under my pillow. Pulling it out, I couldn't help but smile as a photo of Jake and I popped up onto my screen. I instantly answered.

"There you are.." I sighed, my heart jumping at the sound of his quiet giggling.

"I'm sorry it took so long." He said. "Remind me to never let Danny drive ever again."

"What happened? I thought Sam was the problem."

"Yeah well, turns out the two of them together is just a nightmare. I can't tell you how many times we had to turn around. I'm surprised we even found the venue." I was somewhat relieved, hearing the smile in his voice. At least he seemed like he was already having a good time.

"So, how long until you go on?" I asked, pulling my pillow up against my chest, breathing in the faint smell of him again. If I closed my eyes, it was as close as I could get to him actually being here.

"Well, we have soundcheck in a few minutes, and then an hour and a half until doors."

"Are you excited?" He was quiet for moment.

"I'm really excited. But.. I just.. I wish you could see it."

"So do I." I said softly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand."

"If it helps, I already know you're gonna be amazing, so.. when you call me later I'll congratulate you on an amazing show." I could hear him giggling to himself again.

"Oh, I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"So.. what are you doing now that I'm not there to annoy you?"

"I wish you were here to annoy me.." I sighed, rolling back over.

"Once I get home you're gonna regret that." He laughed. It was contagious.

"You've never annoyed me, Jake."

"That's good to know." He said, his voice trailing off.

"I just want to hold you again." I muttered, feeling the sadness start to take over once more. I couldn't tell what was worse, hearing his voice.. or not.

"I'm never gonna let you go again, Jaime. If there's another tour, I'm sorry but.. you're gonna have to come with me. I can't do this again." I felt my heart beat faster, my cheeks burning red as another smile escaped my lips.

"If there's another tour.. I don't think I'll be able to handle not going with you. I won't need much convincing."

"Good." He laughed. "Cause I would have packed you up in my suitcase if I had to."

"Have you.. looked in your suitcase yet?"

"Why? You sneak something in there for me?" He asked. I could hear his playful grin in the soft tone of his voice. My body felt like it was on fire.

"Yes, but.. probably not anything you're thinking." I laughed.

"Okay, okay.." He sighed. "What is it?"

"I guess you'll just have to go look."

"Should I look now?"

"No.. you can have it for after the show."

"Okay, whatever you say, Jaime. But.. they're calling for me so.. I'll call you tonight, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you, Jaimeeeee.." He sang before finally hanging up.

It didn't take long before the deafening silence reminded me of how lonely I was again. But he was excited. I could tell. And I was happy for him. I could never let him know just how hard this actually was for me. I didn't want to ruin this for him. I'd never forgive myself if I did.

This was a thing before me.

And.. it would be after.

As badly as I hoped there was never an 'after.'

I tried my best to keep my eyes ahead as I heard Jake make his way up on stage, grabbing his guitar and plugging it in.

"Everything okay back home?" Sam asked, playfully shoving him. He nodded, giggling to himself.

"Everything is good." He said simply. I was thankful that he left it at that.

"Why doesn't she just come out to a show?" He asked. I felt my face get hot. Couldn't we just do this and get it over with? The last thing I wanted to do was talk about the two of them.

I wonder if she told him about our kiss.

"She's gotta be home for her mom. And.. I understand, but.. I don't know." He shrugged, tuning his guitar.

"You're such a sap these days. It's so weird." Sam laughed, making his way back over to the other side of the stage.

"Do we know how many people are coming tonight?" I asked, trying my best to change the subject. Jake shrugged.

"No idea, but they said it was sold out." My heart started beating faster. I had never really gotten too nervous before a show, but this time felt.. different.

And I didn't have Jaime in the audience to focus on when I needed her.

"Are we ever gonna get to meet the headliner?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, they said they'd meet up with us backstage before the show."

"Does.. anyone know who it is?" Danny asked, now beginning his constant banging, tuning as he went along.

"The label was pretty secretive, which I thought was weird. Maybe they didn't want us to leak anything." Jake giggled. I could only imagine how big they could be without us finding out.

"I'm sure it'll be fine." Sam said simply, now plucking along. I turned back around to face them, my attention being brought down to Jake's hand when I saw a quick glare across his finger. My heart dropped.

He had a ring.

The same ring as Jaime.