The next morning I woke up to the feeling of my phone vibrating under my pillow. Before even opening my eyes, I felt around for it, finally getting it to stop.

I couldn't believe it was already 1:00PM.

And I had 4 missed calls, all from Josh.

Hey, haven't heard from you yet, hope you're okay but you're probably still sleeping. Call me when you wake up, okay, I love you.

I'd have to call him back, but I really wasn't sure what I'd say. All I could think about was last night. I couldn't remember the last time Jake and I had talked like that, and now all I wanted was to end every night like that.

And then I saw that he had texted me.

I missed this. Sweet dreams, Jaime.

My heart jumped. He must have sent it after I had fallen asleep. It was probably for the best that I hadn't seen it, because I'm sure we would have dragged it out at least another hour of more back and forth, telling each other to finally go to bed, despite how badly neither of us wanted the conversation to end.

I did too.

I didn't have to wait long for a reply.

I didn't actually lol my sleep schedule is now ruined thanks to you.

sorry lol won't happen again.

oh no, please let it happen again.

I couldn't contain my giddy grin, feeling my face get hot.

how about tonight?

it's a date :)

My heart jumped.

A date.

and I still have to make that necklace for you.

so you'll have to come and get your pick.

that's true, if only you didn't live SO far away lol

I felt my body get hot, my heart start beating faster. I knew that would mean he would have to come over, and as badly as I wanted him to..

so what are your plans for today?

I really didn't have much time to think about that yet, remembering that I still had to call Josh back. But after everything, I just wanted to go see my mom again. I needed to talk about this with someone.

I'll probably head back up to the hospital.

How's your mom doing?

She's been doing okay, but I still worry.

I understand. Well if you ever need anyone to talk to.. I'm sure she'll listen lol

I hated how easy it was for him to make me laugh, especially about things like this.

But seriously though, you can talk to me about anything.

I wish that was true.

thank you yeah we'll see lol

And then my phone started to ring again, yanking me right back down to reality.

"Hey." I said, finally sitting up.

"There you are." Josh said cheerfully. "I was starting to worry about you."

"I'm okay, just.. didn't sleep very well. Or.. rather.. just couldn't sleep, I guess."

"Neither could I. We could have stayed up together if you called me."

I bit down on my lip, not sure how to respond, still not entirely sure how I was feeling about everything. This would be so much easier if he did something wrong, but.. he didn't. He never did anything wrong which only left me feeling like everything was my fault. Because how could any normal person not be able to find complete happiness in someone like him? He was what girls dreamt of, and here I was.. ruining everything, like always.

"So, um.. what are you up to today?" He asked, finally filling the silence.

"I was gonna go back up to the hospital to see my mom." I said.

"Oh, do you want me to come with you?"

"N-no, it's okay. I just-"

"Got it." He said simply. My stomach dropped.

What I really wanted to do was talk through everything with him, but I knew there was no way I could do that now without hurting his feelings. As happy as I was when we took that next step, a big part of me missed my best friend that I would've had to talk to about things like this.

"Jaime.. are we okay?" He finally asked. I hesitated for a moment.

"Your silence isn't helping." He laughed.

"I.. I'm sorry, we're okay, I just.. I don't know."

"What don't you know?"

"I don't think we should talk about this over the phone." He was quiet for a moment.

"Do you want me to come over?" He finally asked.

"Y-yeah."

"Okay, I'll be right there." He paused, no doubt waiting for me to say "I love you" first, but it just didn't feel right, despite the fact that I did, it was just different than when he said it.

He hung up.

I quickly made my way downstairs, meeting him at the front door before he could bring himself to knock. He gave me a gentle smile, waiting in the doorway for me to invite him in. I took his hand, leading him back up stairs to my bedroom.

He nervously went over, sitting down on the edge of my bed again, looking up at me with sad eyes. I hung back in the doorway, remembering what happened the last time I got too close.

"Jaime, what's going on?" He sighed, his face dropping.

"I.. I really don't know, I guess I just-"

"Look, I don't know what I did, but if I upset you, I'm sorry. I really wish you would talk to me about these things. I want to work through them with you. And.. it seems like.. something changed between us, especially after.. what happened and.. I think we need to talk about it."

I finally made my way over, sitting down next to him. He placed his hand on my leg, pulling me in closer. I leaned in, giving him a quick, gentle kiss.

"It's not you." I sighed.

"This isn't one of those.. 'it's not you, it's me' things.. is it?" He asked. My stomach dropped. All I could manage was an apprehensive shrug, avoiding his eyes.

"Josh, I just think that.. maybe we shouldn't have rushed things, and now it all just feels so-"

"Jaime, what are you saying?"

What was I saying?

"I think what I'm saying is.. maybe.. we should take some time apart from each other to.. figure out what we really want. And then.. if things are meant to be.. we'll find our way back to each other." The look on his face broke my heart. I quickly brought my attention back down to my hands, which he instantly took into his.

"But.. I already know what I want." He said. "Jaime, w-what happened? What changed? I thought.. we were happy?"

"We were, I just.. I don't know."

"I don't want to break up." He whispered. "I want to work through this together."

"I don't want to hurt you, but I just need some time.. to figure things out."

I instantly regretted looking back up at him when I saw tears filling his eyes.

"Jaime, just.. please tell me what I did wrong. I can take it, I want to fix it, it's okay. We can talk about this."

"That's the thing though, you didn't do anything wrong. You've never done anything wrong. You are.. perfect, and sometimes I really don't feel like I deserve you. I miss my best friend, and maybe things just happened too fast. I know we can't take it back, but.. maybe we never should have-"

"You regret sleeping with me." He sighed, pulling his hands away.

"No. Not at all." I assured him. "I'm so lucky it was with you."

"Jaime, I.. I'm sorry, but I just.. I really don't understand-"

"Neither do I, but.. I think this is something we need to do."

He was quiet again, now reaching up and caressing my face. I stared back as tears filled my eyes too.

"Can.. we still see each other?" He asked, leaning in closer. "Cause.. I can't go from.. this.. to not seeing you. I need to be able to see you." I nodded as my eyes moved down to his lips.

"I hope so." I sighed leaning my forehead against his. He then pulled me into a long, deep kiss, and for a moment, things felt different, now that I was setting him free. But I knew it was for the best. I couldn't give him half of what he'd be willing to give me and it wasn't fair to him.

He deserved the world, and right now, that wasn't me.

When he finally backed away, he gently wiped my eyes, kissing my cheeks where the tears had already fallen.

"When you said you loved me-"

"I always meant it." I assured him, wrapping one arm around his neck. "And I always will." He nodded, holding his stare on me.

"I always will too, Jaime." I gave him a gentle smile before leaning in, kissing him again. His hands slowly moved to behind my neck where I had to pull away before I lost my train of thought again.

"I should go." He sighed, combing his fingers through my hair. I nodded, avoiding his eyes as I felt more tears come to mine. He leaned in, tangling his fingers within as he pulled me closer, giving me a long kiss on the forehead.

A goodbye.

As he finally made his way over to the door, he stopped, turning back to face me as he leaned back against it.

"If you ever need anything, Jaime.. I'm always here."

"Thank you." I muttered. He nodded.

"And if you.. when you change your mind.." He giggled to himself. I wiped my eyes as a smile finally escaped my lips.

"You'll be the first to know if I do. I promise."

"Okay. Then I'll.. I'll see you later."

"Okay." He hesitated, holding his stare on me, wanting to say so much more, I'm sure, but he didn't. He finally left the room with a forced smile, shutting the door behind him.

For a minute, I couldn't move, wondering if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. He was willing to give me everything, and I was just letting him walk right out the door. But then I realized.. it should never be about what someone could give me, but rather.. how they made me feel, and I loved him, I did..

But I owed it to myself to jump too.

Just once.