How did he always manage to do this?

How did he always leave me thinking about him?

I went back over to my window to see him making his way outside, looking up at me again with a gentle smile. I felt my face get hot, quickly shaking the thought. He knew exactly what he was doing, and I hated that it was working. I stayed at my window until he finally went back inside, peeking up at me one last time before shutting the door behind him.

Every look, every touch reminded me of all the reasons I had fallen for him so many years ago.

And then like clockwork, Josh pulled up to the house. I couldn't help but smile as he got out, bouquet of red roses in hand. I guess roses were our thing now. As he made his way up the driveway, he looked up at my window, flashing me a beaming smile when he caught me staring back.

"And who are those for?" I laughed.

"Oh, these? These are for me." He joked. "Just thought I'd pick some more up while I was out. You can never have too many, right?" I shook my head, giggling to myself.

"Right.." I sighed. "Well.. the door is open for you." He nodded, heading inside. I quickly made my way down the stairs to meet him at the door.

"I hope you know that these are actually for you." He laughed. "I feel like we-" Then he stopped, his eyes shooting over to me, looking me up and down. I leaned back against the banister, nervously crossing my arms against my chest.

"Wow.." He whispered. "Jaime, you..you are.."

I then reached out for his hand, leading him up the stairs. He stayed quiet, his grip instantly getting tighter as I lead him back into my room, shutting the door behind us. I took the roses from him, adding them to the vase on the end table.

"Red?" I asked.

"Because I love you." He said softly. I knew what it meant. I just loved hearing him say it. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around.

"Candles?" He asked. I nodded, sitting down on his lap. He instantly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me up against him. I then slowly untied my robe, letting it fall onto the floor. He stared back at me wide-eyed, his eyes instantly shooting down to my chest, trying his best not to stare for too long.

"Jaime.." He sighed, gently caressing my face. "We.. just because we.. I mean, we don't have to-"

"Yes we do." I giggled, pulling him into a passionate kiss. He instantly kissed me back harder, tangling his fingers in my hair, like he was just waiting for it. I moved my hands up his chest, gently pushing him back onto the bed as his hands slowly moved to my waist, pulling me over him. I grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling it over his head, tossing it onto the floor.

"W-we.. we don't have to rush.." He said, pulling me into a long kiss. "I'm.. I'm not going anywhere. I.. I don't want us to.. force anything, I just.."

It wasn't that I thought we had to rush, I just wanted him before I started to think about.. anyone else.

"I know, I just.. I want you." I said, kissing him harder. "Now." My hands moved down to his waist, unbuttoning his pants, where he instantly helped me slide them off, letting them fall with the rest of our clothes.

"Okay.." He exhaled, and then my heart jumped as he grabbed me, positioning himself over me, the weight of his body now pressed against me. His passionate kisses got harder as they traveled from my lips down to my neck. I never truly noticed how strong his hands were until they were holding me, moving me, lifting me in every which way he wanted, making me wonder how gentle he had actually been with me all these years.

And then I thought about what Jake had said. Was I only doing this to get it over with? I didn't think I was, not until he put the idea in my head. Why was I in such a rush anyway? I hated that I was letting him get to me, and now I was thinking about him at a time like this, which I'm sure was exactly what he wanted. How could I go through with this when he was who I was thinking about? I couldn't shake the thought of him over me, kissing me how I've always wanted to kiss him, feeling him how I've always wanted-

No, I couldn't think like that.

This wasn't fair. Josh and I were finally together. I had thought about this moment with him for years, and now I couldn't even enjoy it because of Jake. And that wasn't fair to him either. I couldn't even imagine how I would feel if I knew the whole time he was thinking about someone else. But I didn't want to think about anyone else, I wanted him.

My body ached for him as every inkling of nervousness melted away under his blazing heat; he was so warm, like my own personal sun, and I wanted nothing but to spend every second revolving around him as he kept me radiant and glowing, basking in his light. His hands slowly traced my outline, as if trying to memorize the curve of my waist, the arch of my back, not knowing the latter bowed for only him. In this moment, I couldn't have been more happy that I had waited for him; not once ever feeling as comfortable as I did, so vulnerable and exposed, in every sense of the word.

"I love you, Jaime." He exhaled, staring down at me with desiring eyes. I wish every girl was lucky enough to have someone who looked at her the way he looked at me; he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

"I love you." I sighed, pulling him into another passionate kiss as I felt his hands slowly move behind my back, struggling a bit. I sat up, reaching behind me to help him.

"H-here, let me-"

"No, I got it." He muttered, finally unclasping my bra, sliding it off and tossing it away.

It instantly brought me back to one of the many date nights Josh and I tagged along to with Jake, Sam, and Danny. It was nice of them to include us, but sometimes it was almost worse being there than not being invited at all. I couldn't remember what movie it was, but I vividly remember the scene where the two friends finally got together for the first time. It was one of the first times I remember really thinking about what it would be like to actually.. be with someone like that.

Jake had made a point to sit next to me, which at the time, I thought was weird, but him and I always loved to talk during movies, it was one of those things everyone hated about us, especially Josh, but that was just one of the many "inside jokes" we had with each other, and it was something I always looked forward to when we went to the movies together, those little moments of intimacy disguised as nonchalant banter.

But this night was different. He didn't say a word, but the whole time it seemed like he was leaning towards me, leaving his arm draped over the armrest with his hand open, almost as if inviting me to hold it. I remember convincing myself of how I was overthinking things, considering his girlfriend was right on the other side of him, but after knowing what I know now, I'm sure that's exactly what it was. And even still, I leaned in closer to him, resting my arm next to his, my hand just barely brushing against his. I expected him to move away, but he never did. So neither did I.

As the scene played out, I couldn't help but imagine it finally being us. The timid touches slowly turning to amorous kisses, unable to contain themselves before finally ravishing into each other with years of built up passion and desire. My whole body felt like it was on fire as his hand gently grazed against mine, now wondering what he was thinking about, if he was thinking about anything at all.

I know that first times were never like this is real life, where the guy you've been dreaming about finally sweeps in and confesses his deepest feelings for you, the moments then flying by in flashes of love and yearning, suggesting so much while showing so little, so when it was finally time, you were left on your own with nothing but awkward maneuvers and questioning motives, wondering what goes where for how long, hoping you weren't making an idiot out of yourself in front of the one person you wanted to love you the most.

I peeked over at him to see his eyes glued to the screen, slightly slumped in his chair. His face glowing, changing colors with the rapidly changing scenes, illuminated in ways that only made him that much more enticing, suggesting so much while showing so little..

Then he looked over at me with dazed eyes, holding his stare before slowly moving his hand over mine. My heart jumped. It took everything in me not to pull away, hanging on for deal life to what diminutive ounce of courage I had within me, hoping that was all it took for him to jump.

And then another hand slid its way into his, yanking him to the other side of his seat.

"That's gonna be us later." She giggled, pulling him into a kiss. I instantly pulled my hand away, shifting in my seat, trying my hardest to hide much those words crushed me from the inside out. It was always Her, the her constantly changing, never mattering who it was, because it didn't matter, because the her was never me. And whatever moments we did share never truly mattered, because once the movie ended, those brief but forceful moments lived and died within the darkness of the theater, fading away with the shadows as the lights slowly came up and we were faced with the reality of how much those armrests truly separated us, and when we got back into the car, they were never spoken of again, the ride home nothing short of silent on both of our ends.

"Jaime?" I finally heard, zoning back in as Josh stared down at me, his eyes now concerned.

"Y-yeah?"

"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'm.. I'm fine. Why?" He bit down on his lip, hesitating for a moment before rolling over.

"You seem.. out of it. We.. we don't have to do anything, it's okay."

"I'm fine. I'm fine, I swear, Josh.." I reached out, pulling him back into a passionate kiss. He kissed me back before backing away again, leaning his forehead against mine.

"Jaime, it's okay, we have all night.. look.." He sighed, sitting back up. He gently brushed the hair out of my face, giving me a gentle smile. "How about this.. you go and get dressed up and.. I'll take us out tonight. You'll get the works." He laughed, giving me another gentle kiss. "And.. if things go well, then.. we can come back here, and.. see what happens." I bit down on my lip, nodding back at him.

I could tell he had already made up his mind.

At this rate, it was never going to happen.

But that was probably for the best, considering..

"Okay."

"Okay." He said, kissing me again before rolling out of bed. I sat up, watching him as he put his clothes back on, only thinking about the next time I was going to be able to take them all off again. I pulled the blankets over me, watching him as he pulled his shirt over his head, making his way around my bed when he stopped at the dresser, picking up the photo of Jake and I.

"Jaime, what's this?"