"Where are you going?" Josh called out as I threw my coat back on. My cheeks burned as I kept my eyes down, avoiding his stare.

"Nowhere, I'm just-"

"Did she text you?" He snapped. My heart started beating faster.

"N-no, she-"

"Sam, come on." He sighed.

"Josh, you're telling me if she asked you to come over, you wouldn't?" I asked, shooting him a wide-eyed look. He bit down on his lip, his cheeks burning red.

"Exactly. Look, she.. she has a lot going on, okay?" I said softly. "It's not like that. And I.. I just.. I don't think.. she should be alone."

"Then.. I'll go." He said simply. I stopped, peeking over at him.

"What's the difference if you go or I-"

"Sam, you know the difference." He said softly. It had gotten quieter over towards the bunks. Either Jake had finally fallen asleep.. or he was listening.

"You should be here to talk to him when he's ready." He whispered, motioning back towards Jake's bunk.

"He doesn't want to talk to me." I sighed, leaning up against the counter.

"Sam.. everything you do for her, you're doing to him. He's our brother. He comes first. So.. don't go. Not tonight." I sighed, looking away.

"Then why is it okay if you-"

"Because she dumped me, Sam." He snapped. "He's not worried about me. You know why it's different. There's no chance of anything happening if I go over there, but then at least she won't have to be alone. But, if you go.." He trailed off. My cheeks burned as I turned back to face him, holding my stare on him.

"If you have no intention of doing anything, then it won't matter, right? As long as she's not alone?"

He wasn't wrong.

"Fine." I sighed.

I'm sure he had gone to sleep by now, but it was worth a shot. I just didn't want to be alone tonight. I needed something to distract me. If I had learned one thing from support group it was how much being around someone, anyone, helped. During the worst of it.. the nights I had to deal with it alone.. never ended well.

I had made it over a year. I had done so well, and I didn't want to go back to that.

And Sam helped.

My heart jumped as I heard my phone buzz from behind me. I hesitated before flipping it back over. Every time I looked, it was a small blow to the heart, seeing that photo of Jake and I, but I just couldn't bring myself to change it. It's been the same since the day we took it.

I'll be right there

I felt my cheeks burn, a smile escaping my lips. Going back into the kitchen, I hopped back up onto the counter, playing back the way he danced with me, gently swaying back and forth as he held me up against him. I loved how, even at my worst, when I was in pieces, he always knew how to put me back together.

It was clear that Jake didn't care anymore, as much as it killed me to think about, but Sam had always been there. Maybe this time.. it could finally work. I knew that he would never make the first move though. So if I wanted anything to happen.. I would have to take the leap.

I couldn't think, I just had to do it.

Just kiss him.

I got more and more nervous as time went on. It wasn't like we hadn't kissed before, but for some reason the idea of it now felt.. more real. Like.. maybe this time, things would actually change. Maybe he felt enough to.. want to finally take it to that next step too.

My heart jumped when I finally heard a knock at the door. I hopped down from the counter, running my fingers through my hair, catching a glance of myself in the reflection of the microwave. I sighed, still feeling like a mess; my eyes still stinging from crying, but thankfully my face had cleared up. I hesitated for a second, taking a deep breath and then finally opened the door. I quickly reached my arms out , wrapping them around his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

It didn't take long for me to feel that something was off, his face feeling different, my arms a little lower than I remember. As I backed away, my stomach dropped when I saw Josh standing there, staring back at me wide-eyed, his face beet red.

"J-josh.." I sighed, not sure of what to say. My heart was pounding in my chest as he held his stare on me, his haw dropping a little.

"O-oh.." He finally managed. I bit down on my lip, our faces still inches apart.

"Jess.." He exhaled.

"W-where's Sam?" I asked, backing away. His face dropped.

"He's.. talking to Jake." He said softly. My heart sunk. Jake. What would he have to talk to Jake about? Jake was the reason this was all happening. We were finally done. Everything was.. great. And he just had to go and fuck it up like always. I don't understand why it was so hard for us to just be together, when that was all either of us wanted. All I wanted was for him and I to be done. Together.

I couldn't get the thought of him and Sophie out of my head. I had never felt like that before, about anyone. Seeing him with her had made me that much more excited for life with him, a life that I wasn't even sure I wanted either.

Until I met him.

I shook the thought.

That was over now.

I couldn't think about that anymore.

I had to move on.

"W-why.. why are you here?" I asked. He giggled, looking down at his feet.

"Not quite the greeting I was hoping for but.. can't say I'm surprised." He sighed. My heart dropped.

"Josh, no, that's.. that's not what I meant, I just-"

"It's okay.. I can go. Um.. Sam just.. didn't think you should be alone tonight." He said, shrugging, peeking back up at me. I nodded, biting down on my lip.

"Y-yeah."

"If you want, I.. I can go." He said, backing away.

"No." I assured, reaching out for his hand. "No, Josh, it's okay. Um.. I'd.. I'd appreciate it if you stayed." He nodded, giving me a gentle smile.

"Okay."

I guided him in, motioning towards the living room.

"You can sit if you want." I said simply. "Do you.. want anything to drink?"

"Whatever you're having." He shrugged, sitting down on the couch, looking around. I went into the kitchen, pouring two glasses of wine. I knew I would need something to get through the rest of the night. It was for the best that he came. At least I had someone. I had no way of getting anything while I was on the road, but when I was home.. it was just a phone call away.

The only problem is that phone call would have to be Travis. And I wanted to avoid that at all costs. Despite it being over a year later, it was still something I thought about every single day, and I was worried it always would be.

I made my way back over to the couch, handing him one of the glasses. He flashed me a subtle smile, gently grabbing it.

"Sorry you're disappointed." He giggled, taking a sip. I sighed, sitting down close to him.

"I'm not disappointed." I said softly. He shrugged, keeping his eyes down.

"How are you doing?" He asked. I bit down on my lip, feeling my face burn.

"I'm fine." I lied. He held his stare on me, a gentle smile on his lips.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." He said quietly. "And.. as far as what happened, we-"

"Yeah." I said, cutting him off. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." He smirked. My cheeks burned as I peeked up at him, smiling back.

"But.. that was meant for Sam.. wasn't it?" He asked. My face felt like it was on fire.

It was.

I took a big sip, avoiding his eyes.

"Jess.. I'm.. I'm sorry. About what I said on Christmas Eve, I.. I was just upset, I didn't mean-"

"You did, but it's okay. You were right." He nodded, taking another sip.

"I didn't want to be right." He sighed.

"But you were. He did hurt me." I mumbled, every word feeling like a knife to the heart. He was quiet for a minute, holding his stare on me.

"C-can I ask you something?" He said reluctantly. I felt my body get hot, my heart starting to beat faster. I had an idea of where this was going. This was a conversation I had been trying to avoid for a while, but I knew it was only a matter of time..

"What is it?" I asked, taking another big sip. He did the same, holding his stare on me.

"W-why didn't it work out with us?" He questioned. "I mean.. how did you know.. so fast? I.. I just.. I don't understand what I did wrong, I.. I just thought-"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Josh" I assured him, moving closer. He peeked down at my leg as it brushed up against his, his cheeks now burning red.

"I know that's what you said but.. there had to be something. I just.. I need to know, Jess. It's okay, I just.. I can't not know." I stared back into his all too familiar eyes, feeling my chest get tight, tears start to well up again.

"Because.." I sighed. "You remind me.. too much of him." His face dropped, his eyes sad.

"It's always going to be him.. isn't it?" He asked. My heart sunk, more tears coming to my eyes.

And then I knew.. it wouldn't matter what I did. There was no moving on. There was no replacing him. He was the one. The only one.

I bit down on my lip, nodding.

"Yeah."