There was no way I could tell Josh that there were in fact some pieces in there about him. 

I didn't want to give him the wrong idea more than I already had. There was no doubt that all of the guys were handsome, and charming, and funny, and great... 

The list goes on.

I mean, they had their obvious differences, but Jake and Josh were literally twins. It wasn't that I didn't feel how I felt those first few nights with Josh, but there was no way I could let on that there was any inkling of feelings or everything would be ruined. And the more time I spent with Jake the more I knew how I felt about him. There was no reason to confuse anyone, let alone myself, by telling Josh I had written about him. And occasionally still did. 

He wanted to be friends, and I was okay with that.

"We don't have to talk about Jake." I said. He finished reading something and looked back up at me. 

"These are really good." He said quietly, giving me a gentle smile. 

"Oh.. thank you." I said, reaching for my journal. He smirked, pulling it away. 

"I'm still reading."

"They can't be that good."

"I mean.." he sighed "I.. I think they are."

"Well, that means a lot coming from you." His smile grew.

"Thank you." He was blushing now. 

"Which one are you reading now?" I asked, crawling over and sitting next to him. He angled the book towards me.

"This one.." He said "What's this one?" I looked over and read, leaning my chin on his shoulder. My cheeks burned. It was one of the one's about him.

Show me that you really care, that you really care

show me that you're gonna stay

on my worst days

hold mе like you'll never lеave

like you'll never leave, like you'll never leave

"You know..." I started, reaching for the journal. He giggled, pulling it away again. "I.. don't usually show anyone what I write." He peeked back up at me smiling.

"So then what makes me so special?" He asked. I laughed, reaching for it again.

"The fact that you won't give it back." He laughed, finally handing it over.

"Okay." He sighed. "Here." I hesitated. 

"Well.. you said they were good. Why are they good?" I asked. Now curious to get another writer's opinion on them. He grabbed the journal and flipped through again.

"They're honest." He said simply. "They're.. I feel like.. so many people try to overcomplicate things when they write and.. I just feel like less is more. Have you ever tried to write a song?" I felt my cheeks burn.

"Absolutely not." He laughed.

"And why not?"

"We aren't all musically gifted, Josh." His face got red.

"You know, I didn't always wanna do music." He said, looking back down at my journal.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He shrugged and avoided eye contact.

"I.. I love movies. I always wanted to do something with film, and directing, and acting." He peeked up at me with a small smile, searching for a response. I smiled. 

"Well, you are very theatrical." I said, smiling back. He nodded.

"Thank you." He laughed.

"So.. why music then?" I asked. Being in a band and touring the world was a huge commitment for someone who's dream wasn't to be a musician.

"For Jake." he sighed. "His dream was music, so I played with him. But.. music took off before film. So.. I'm here for him." I couldn't help but stare at him. He looked different now; real. 

Since I got here he always felt like an elevated version of himself, but now... 

"That's really.. selfless of you." I said. He still didn't look up. I didn't know if he was still reading or trying his best to avoid eye contact. I was starting to realize he wasn't the best at it when he was actually being vulnerable. I left it alone. 

"He's my brother." He shrugged. "He'd do the same for me." 

"You think even still?" I asked. He finally peeked up at me. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean.. look at how far you guys have gotten. Do you think.. he'd drop it all now?" He was quiet for a moment.

"I tell myself he would." His voice was getting softer. I didn't want to push it any further.

"Anything else you like in there?" I asked, moving closer. He leaned over. 

"What about this one?" He asked. My cheeks burned again. 

Another one about him. Part of me was starting to suspect that he knew. 

Right before I close my eyes

the only thing that's on my mind

been dreamin' that you feel it too

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you

"If they're not about Jake.. then who are these about?" He asked. I smirked, looking up at him.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I joked. He rolled his eyes, flashing me a smile.

"Someone from back home?"

"Who do you write about?" I asked, trying to change the subject. He peered his eyes at me, holding his smile. He knew what I was doing. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He mocked.

"I would." I said simply "They're beautiful. I.. I could only imagine the kind of person who could inspire some of those songs." He bit his lip, continuing to stare back at me. The longer he stared the redder I felt my face get.

"They're.. they're rarely about one person." He finally said, looking away again. "Most of them.. well, they're about the idea of a someone. I.. it's hard to dedicate such a powerful thing to one person." I shrugged.

"I think if you feel that much you can." 

"Well, then maybe I've just never felt that much at once before." He said, staring back at me.

I had never seen this side of him before. It felt like finally seeing the man behind the mask. Maybe if this was who I met from the beginning... 

I shook the thought. 

"You've obviously felt it." He said, breaking the silence. "What is it like?"

"I mean.." I sighed, grabbing my journal. "I'd hardly say I've felt it like that. These are all unfinished. So I guess I haven't felt it either.

"But you're close." He mumbled. I couldn't tell if he was hinting at something.

"Maybe you are too, then." I said quietly.

"Maybe I am."