Van:

I stared at the door, heart pounding. I could hear the voices and the music outside, happy. Everything was supposed to be happy.

"Carmen." I said quietly, though it wasn't like she was supposed to hear me over the forty or so people still squeezed into the apartment. The party was going strong and I was surprised the police hadn't shown up yet. Wouldn't be much long till.

Carmen was with her friends, talking quietly and shaking her head a couple of times. She must've seen me getting near because she straightened up, tucking her hair back. "I'm going to go back with Nicole and Jesse."

"What, why? We have to talk about things." I said.

She shrugged, "We'll talk later."

"You can't drive like this. You were falling asleep minutes ago." I grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the girls, pushing her towards the kitchen.

"I'm not the one driving."

"You're not the one leaving either. I'm tired of you always getting so defensive"-

"Well what do you expect?" She said into my ear, a guitar riff exploding loudly from the speakers. "You write a song about"-

"My ex. Not even an ex, just a girl I really needed to let this anger out for. If I hadn't added that song the entire album would've been an open letter to you about how much I hated us falling apart."

She tensed. "Van"-

"You wanted the truth well here it is. I wrote these songs," I motioned towards the living room, "because I needed to vent out those feelings or I would've been carrying them around. So yeah, some of them sound like I'm complaining, or desperate, or whatever else. Because this album holds my fucking soul a bit, all the ugly and the beautiful. And I said beautiful because that's what this is to me. This album, us, you."

"You don't get to just talk nice to get me to forgive you. That's unfair Van." She said quietly.

"Well tell me it's not working then." I responded, stepping closer to her.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

He put a hand against my cheek, eyes still on mine. I swallowed.

"Maybe I overreacted, but Van, it's just that hearing about Abby"-

"I know. I wanted you to hear this in another atmosphere, preferably just us two. But you can't always get what you want I guess." He said, pulling away. "So if you still want to leave with Nicole and Jess, I can't do anything to stop you. If you want to leave me in that big bed all by myself then fine."

"Honestly, do not." I rolled my eyes, feeling his hands wrap around my back. I sighed exaggeratedly, pressing my hands against his cheeks. "You're lucky you're cute."

"Hey, is that what it's about then?" He said, making a pout.

"Yeah." I moved to break away from him,

He didn't let go. "Are we ok then?"

"Van"-

"Are we ok?" He repeated, pulling me closer to him.

"Everyone's waiting for you. Besides, I'm dead tired and I want to go to sleep."

"Come on, what do I have to do to get you to forgive me?" He said, throwing his hands up dramatically.

I grinned, leaning into him and bringing my lips to his ear. "Get everyone to leave so I can sleep."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I woke up in a cold sweat tangled in sheets, Van laying next to me completely out. The sun shone in through the curtains and I pushed my hair back as I took a deep breath. Heart pounding, I struggled to remember the dream I'd been having. But I couldn't place the details.

All the guys were still asleep of course, so I put the kettle on and stood against the counter, surveying some of the mess left over in the living room from last night.

I fought a yawn as I blew on my mug of coffee, stretching and struggling to walk over the strewn glass bottles and red cups on the floor. I really didn't remember it being as messy last night. I sat down just as there was a small knock at the door. I got up again, walking towards the door and checking the eyehole.

I wanted nothing more than to pretend I hadn't even gone to the door and go back and finish my coffee, but she knocked again. She crossed her arms and looked down the hall and back towards the door.

I opened the door and saw her expression falter a bit. "Is Van in?" Alana Haim mumbled.

"He's asleep."

"It's noon."

"It was a long night." I said harshly. "Anything in particular you need?"

"I didn't come here to be hounded by his girlfriend, that's for sure." She snapped.

"What is your problem?"I said, feeling annoyance rise in my chest.

"Nothing is my problem. In fact, I could ask you the same thing. What is your problem?"

I realized I'd been holding my breath for some reason. Blood rushed to my head, but I swallowed again, looking her in the eye. "Me? Nothing. I'm peachy." I replied, smiling. "I'll tell Van you stopped by."

"Don't tell him. Don't tell him I did." She said suddenly.

"Suit yourself." I shut the door on her, leaning against it. Someone was in the bathroom, the sound of water running echoing off the walls.

Van came walking out, rubbing his face and looking at me with sleepy eyes. "What's going on?"

"Alana Haim was here." I responded shortly. "She told me not to tell you, but I guess I've never been good at staying quiet." I brushed past him towards the couch, plopping down on it and reaching for my coffee.

"What-What for?"

"No clue." I took a drink of the coffee, looking at him. "I'm finding it very hard not to dislike her. And I'm trying. I swear."

"She'll lay off." He responded, sitting next to me. "Whatever her problem is, she'll lay off I swear."

"What are you gonna do about it?"

"I dunno yet, but I'll do something."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

I was working at a clothing store in the shopping plaza downtown. The pay was pretty good, considering it was one of those upscale stores where everyone wore black and women walked with their dogs inside the store because they oozed money and authority.

Van laughed when I told him this, but it was kind of intimidating. Retail had always scared me and the idea of retail with even more demanding and extravagant clientele threw me off. But it paid some bills and it was the first job I'd gotten a call back from.

The question of Alana hovered over me sometime after the whole incident with her coming to the apartment happened. Van hadn't said much about it anymore, but that must've meant something, right?

They were going back to London in the beginning of September, giving us about a month to enjoy before the hectic touring began. So a lot of nights Van and I cocooned alone together, watching movies in bed or going out to eat alone. The guys weren't in the studio for much anymore, so I got to have more time with Van.

About two weeks before their flight to London left I decided to throw a going away party. Something small, just a couple of friends.

I pitched the idea to Nicole, who as Bob's girlfriend and my best friend immediately loved the idea. She wanted to make it a bit bigger, so we balanced it out.

The Friday of the party I made up some story to get them all out of the apartment.

"Are you sure you can't come?"

"Yeah, my shift starts in half an hour, but go enjoy that movie."

"Thanks for the tickets Car, come on Van stop throwing a tantrum cause your girl can't come. See you later Carmenator." Bondy yanked Van out the door finally, and I closed it, counting to twenty before grabbing my cell and dialing Nicole.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

"Where's the dip? Where's the fucking dip?" Nicole muttered, rummaging through the bags of food she'd brought. "I forgot it back home. Shit. Jesse's still at work too and she's gonna be late getting here."

"Don't worry about it. I'll just run down to the store. I'll be back really quick."

"You're an angel. I'll finish up." She turned back to the food she was prepping and I grabbed my keys and strode out the door, almost bumping into our first guests of the evening.

"I'll be right back guys, Nicole's already inside." I smiled apologetically before running towards the elevator.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

This movie is class, thank you again my love xx

I scratched my nose, shifting in the seat and looking around the theater. It was the really fancy type with reclining chairs and actual waiter service, which was odd but I couldn't complain. Carmen and I would've been exaggeratedly praising every bit of this extravagant theater, but all the guys told me to be quiet as soon as I said something about the seats.

I fought a yawn, leaning back and setting my phone on my thigh. The movie was halfway through and someone had gotten up towards the front, making Bondy boo quietly. My phone vibrated, and I checked to see if it was Carmen.

1 (323) 658-9711: Is this Van?

1 (805) 765-3236: Van? Lol.

1 (661) 888-2318: Van McCann omg

1 (949) 232-9323: If this is Van reply, if not don't even bother

1 (686) 927-7712: VAN. HELLO.

1 (353) 289-7516: Hey Van you may or may not see this but I love the new album and I love you guys and I hope you come back to the states soon xx

It went like this for another five minutes. "What the fuck?" I muttered, trying to keep my phone off, but being interrupted with another message after message.

"What's wrong?" Bondy asked in the dark, finally noticing me not paying attention.

"All these random text messages."

"Whoa, your number got leaked." He tried to keep the laugh from coming out but it did anyway. I shoved him. And then the calls started coming in.

1 (909) 562-1313: OMG OMG VAN

1 (805) 231-4513: Hoe this better be Van

1 (323) 165-9856: Hey Van, do you remember me? That girl you slept with two years ago and never bothered to get back to? FUCKING ASSHOLE.

"Christ." Bondy was reading my messages.

Hey Van I love you.

Hey Van

VAN

Van.

Van McCFUCKINGann

Hey, remember me?

I hugged you in your show in Ohio, said you'd never forget.

Hope you're enjoying the movie :)

It took me a second to register Carmen's message, amid the chaos that was happening on my phone. "How do you think it leaked?"

"Eh, maybe someone did it on some Tumblr or Instagram shit or something. Maybe it was someone from the label who wanted to play a joke or got fired and wanted revenge. And you were the poor lad whose number he got his hands on."

LOVE THE RIDE

LOVE YOU

Come back to New York!!

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

"They should be here soon." I checked the time on my phone, stepping back from refilling some of the food plates. Music was playing in the background as everyone talked and laughed. Hopefully the guys would be here soon and hadn't decided to go grab a drink or take another tour through Hollywood again. "Should I call?"

"Give it like ten minutes." Nicole scratched her cheek.

"Shhh, the knob's moving." Someone called out. The doorknob jiggled and everyone waited patiently until the door swung open and everyone yelled out 'Surprise!'

"Christ, look at all of you!" Bondy spoke up first. The guys were all smiles looking around, well, except for Van, who was looking at his phone. "Carmen and Nicole, I never would've guess you'd ambush us like that." Bondy walked towards the cooler in the corner.

"Hey, are you ok?" I touched Van's arm. He looked at me, and then around the living room.

"This was a surprise. Never figured you were planning this." He said distractedly.

"Yeah, Van, what's wrong?" The guys had all wandered off to talk to friends, and now Van and I still remained close to the door.

"Uh just some dumb prank. Someone leaked my number, and now I've been getting loads of messages. I'll get it changed soon enough." He said, rubbing his eyes.

"Really? That's terrible."

"Yeah." He swiped at his phone a couple of times, then shrugged. "But it'll end soon enough." He stepped forward, walking towards the food table. I watched him go, noticing the way he looked down at his phone and then looked up and stared me in the eye before quickly looking down again.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

The party went great in my opinion, save for Van completely looking distracted the whole time. Afterwards, when the people were gone and everything had pretty much been cleaned up, I saw him slip into the hall.

He had his back to me when I walked inside the room, but he snapped towards me quickly, shoving the phone in his pocket. "Massive party love."

"Yeah, are you ok?"

"Just straightening out the phone mess. I just called to get my number changed." He stretched, yawning.

"So do you have a guess of who it could be? That leaked the number?"

"More or less. But nothing to worry about. Just some shitty prank." He shrugged, scratching his head. He stepped closer to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Carmen! Van!" Bondy called from outside. We slowly moved out of the bedroom and towards the living room, where Bondy was taking a drink from a beer. "You know what I just realized? Carmen, if you shorten your name to Car, and then Van your name is Van, you're both some form of automobile."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

"I'm really going to punch you right now Bondy." Carmen responded, leaning into me and shutting her eyes.

"Ok it's two in the morning on a Friday night, where do we go from here?"

"We're going to bed." I yawned. "And Bondy if you go out in the state that you're in, making the jokes you're making, you'll be mugged five minutes in."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Carmen:

"I love you, I love you. Yes, I'll keep the place running. Come back soon." I rubbed my eyes, trying to keep my voice from cracking.

"We'll be back soon. This is my home now too ya know." Van said, pressing his lips against my forehead. That was extremely reassuring. Now it wasn't so much like the last time, when Van had moved back to London and everything had seemed so uncertain, now he was definitely coming back because the apartment was here, the label was here. "You're here." He'd said last night, wrapping his arms around me. "And how about you ask for a week off and come meet us down in Leeds or somethin? We can go back to all those places you liked over there."

I watched him and the guys go, Nicole squeezing my hand next to me. This time was different because now Nicole was with me, knowing how I felt while she waved goodbye to Bob. It was amazing to think about how different the two goodbyes were. Back then when I was uncertain and scared of losing Van, and now when I knew he'd come right back in no time.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Van:

I waited until we were on the plane before I took out my phone and opened up the messages. The guys were plugged into their earphones and all that, giving me time to look at the message that had messed with my sleep for the last week.

After changing my number, everything had gone back to normal. But the massages clogged my phone to no end, so I began to erase them. But my cell had this weird thing of making me open each message before allowing me to erase, which is why I stumbled onto a picture message that made my stomach drop. Cause there was no fucking way.

I looked at the picture again. A little girl, red cheeks, bright blue eyes, wisps of blonde.

Seattle, in May three years ago. I was the "class girl with a cherry mouth". My friends and I were dying to meet you. This is Phoenix. Has her dad's eyes.