Van:

We all tried to fit into the booth at the restaurant. Loud mariachi music blasted through speakers at every corner and once the waitress set the bowls of tortilla chips in front of us I shoved my hand into one, starved.

"So tell us about life in London. We haven't been back there since....when Alana?" Este turned to her sister.

Alana squinted, brushing her arm against mine as she tucked her hair back, "Uh, maybe like three years ago? We weren't even there for much, missed out on a lot."

We ordered, and I mainly just listened to the conversation, checking my phone. Dunno why I thought Carmen would text me, or why I felt guilty. It's not like I was doing anything terrible.

"Van?" Alana said my name, and I looked up and smiled at her.

"Yes?"

"Did you have anything else going on? Don't tell me we pulled you away from something, did we?" She looked worried.

"Uh, nothing I can't make up later."

"I'm so interested in learning about you, you're thought process for music." She clasped her hands together. "I think your lyrics are absolutely brilliant."

"They're very to the point." I shrugged, smiling. "I've never been one for the absolute poetic."

"I noticed, but I like them."

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Everyone kept a massive conversation going, but sometimes Alana and I would go off on tangents on our own. She was a lovely character sure.

I checked my phone and saw that it was nine.

"More drinks no?" Bondy asked everyone. Danielle and Este were in some deep conversation with Bob and Benji.

"I'll be back." I slid out of the booth and walked towards the restroom, reaching for my phone. I put it back in my pocket thinking that I'd just duck out soon so there wasn't a need to call Carmen and let her know when I'd be heading over.

I ran into Alana just as I was making my way out of the restrooms. She was leaning back with her arms crossed, as if she'd been waiting for me this whole time. "Hey." She smiled shyly.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked, stopping for a minute.

"Can I ask you something?" She looked at me, nervous.

"Sure."

"Uh, about that, that thing you said."

"What?" I was confused, but then of course it dawned on me. "Oh, god, sorry about that. It was"-

"No, don't worry about it. I just, I dunno, do you uh still feel that way?"

I scratched the back of my neck, feeling my skin warm. "I have a girlfriend and I really do love her."

She nodded, smiling. "Of course."

"Actually, I should go. I really wanted to see her tonight"-

"Don't worry about it. I'll tell everyone so you don't have to get held back."

"Thanks." I moved away from her without meeting her eye. I ran into our waitress and paid for the bill, leaving some extra cash in case the drinks got out of control.

The night was chilly, different than I'd remembered in LA. I pulled my jacket close and ducked my head, moving towards the street. I hadn't really thought about how to get to Carmen's, so I stopped and requested an Uber on my phone, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall.

Thinking about the whole conversation with Alana I tried to shake it off. Glad I'd gotten the message to her now before anything else happened. Especially if we'd been working together now and all that. I hoped we could still somehow be friends, because I liked her and her sisters and I knew they could really bring some of my songs to life.

I got into the Uber and leaned back against the seat, taking a deep breath. The city was a blur as I looked at it through half closed eyes, and seeing Carmen's building brought some form of energy back to me.

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Carmen:

I pulled the door open and threw my arms around Van, who held onto me and covered me in kisses that left us both grinning like idiots. "Come on." I grabbed his hand and pulled him in, letting him drop down on the couch before pressing my lips against his once more. He gripped my shirt and pulled me in closer to him.

"The only way I want to be greeted by you." He smiled, his breathing a bit faltered.

I leaned back, still on top of him and holding the edge of his shirt between my fingers. "I can't believe you're going to be here for good."

"Me neither," he said, "But uh, there's one condition."

"What?"

"Come live with me." He whispered.

I smiled. "The apartment is big but you and the guys need that space. I'm sure they'll barely fit there without me coming along."

His mouth got thin and his eyes shifted down. "I just thought since I'm going to be here and you're here, and we finally have the chance to live together you'd want to give it a go."

"Van you know I would"-

"Would you? It seems like you're not giving it much thought." He responded, shifting slightly. Silence stilled between us. I wanted to brush his hair back, touch his face, but I felt weird. He moved his eyes to the ground.

"Not now." I said finally, pressing one hand against his face. "Let's just enjoy this."

"I'm not trying to ruin anything. Are you saying I am?"

I almost thought he was joking, but his face kept still.

"What's your problem?" I asked, trying not to make it seem accusatory. "It's not me, so what is it?"

"So I have to have a problem? Maybe it's just that it pisses me off that sometimes I think that you're not as into this whole idea of us as I am. And that sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside with you because you hold back with me."

"I never hold back with you." I slid off of him, crossing my arms. "I have never held back with you Van, ever."

He didn't say anything. His phone sounded, but he ignored it. "I know you don't. I'm sorry." He finally spoke. "I, I went to the label building with the guys today."

"How was it?"

"It was cool. Everyone seems very relaxed and not as uptight as back in Communion. I talked with our new guy, Stewart, he's very open to our ideas."

"That's good." I sat down next to him, crossing my legs underneath me.

"Um, you know that band? Haim?"

"Yeah, I like that one song they did with Calvin Harris."

"How does it go?"

"You know how it goes, I've played it before."

"I forgot the lyrics." He wound his hand around mine. "Come on sing it to me."

"Can't hold back with ya now, ha ha, I was living in the edge of the moment!"

Van laughed at my over dramatic performance, "Wait I need you to sing the rest cause I don't remember."

"You're so mean, I sound like a dying animal. Why don't you sing it to me Mr. Rockstar."

He twisted his mouth. "I'll sing it to you we go to your bedroom."

"You're a dog." I responded, feeling my mouth turn up in a grin.

"Or if Jesse's not here I'll sing it to you right here right now, I don't care." He reached for me with both hands, holding me close while pressing his lips on mine. "I didn't come here just to say hello."

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Van:

Bondy: What did you say to Alana?

About?

I yawned in the dark, waiting for Bondy to respond. Luckily they'd had a copy of the key to the apartment so I didn't have to worry about cutting my time short with Carmen to go help them out. She shifted next to me, pulling the sheets up to her chin.

Bondy: She left right after you did. Totally not in the best mood either

I dunno, uh she asked me about that thing I said last year

Bondy: So she likes you????

Nah, I think she just didn't want to make it weird.

Bondy: Well then why did she look so pissed after she came back and told us you'd left to go see Carmen?

Bondy: Something tells me things just got weird.

I think you're wrong.

Bondy: Yeah yeah I know, you never want to confront the truth

Bondy: And something tells me little miss Haim totally wanted to shag you by the end of the night

Shut up Bond.

Bondy: Hopefully this doesn't make everything awkward

Bondy: By the way you have the shittiest beer here in the fridge

Bondy: And Bob had two shots of tequila and is passed out on the bathroom floor after trying to sing one of the mariachi songs from the restaurant

Bondy: Tell Carmen I said hi

Bondy: But not while you're shagging her of course

Bondy: Unless it's like that.

Go to sleep Bond.

Bondy: Goodnight lover ;)

I shut my phone off and slid back onto the pillows trying to sleep. I couldn't.

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Carmen:

"And it's so dumb, cause they promised me it would be here. I told them I wanted to work in this branch but now they want to send me to some branch in Stockton. That's like in the middle of nowhere." Jesse huffed loudly, chewing on a piece of toast with a murderous look in her eyes.

"Well, maybe get another job then? Cause yeah I've never heard of Stockton ever in my entire life." I responded, taking a sip of coffee. Van had just slipped out after a thousand goodbye kisses and the promise to meet up for dinner tonight.

"I guess. And Mark is totally not being supportive at all. He says that he doesn't get why I even went into this line of work and blah blah blah." Jesse shook her head. "Sometimes I wonder why I even stay with him."

"You're kidding. You love him don't you?"

"Yeah, but then sometimes I'm like, what if I don't? Maybe I'm just full of shit."

"You're not. Trust me, I'd tell you if you were."

"Thanks."

I stood up and took my cup to think. "I have to get to class, but I'll see you later no?"

"Unless the uncertainty of my life kills me, sure."

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I wore one of the Catfish shirts Van had given me with a pair of ripped jeans and a black cardigan over it. He was always teasing me to wear it and represent, and so here I was finally doing it.

Class passed by in a painfully slow hour and a half. And this was one of my favorite classes too. I rushed to the restroom and was fixing my shirt when the girl using the sink next to mine glanced at me. "Love your shirt."

"Thank you. Are you a big fan?"

"My sister is, and she's been getting me into them." She grinned. "Isn't Van so cute?"

"Yup." I leaned forward and brushed my hair back.

"Honestly, sometimes I imagine what it would be like to meet him. God, I don't even know what I would do. I'd probably kidnap him and like make out with him for like an hour straight."

I didn't acknowledge that comment. "Doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

"I know. I don't think I saw her at the show last year though. And all the pictures you can barely see her face. They're pretty private. Don't know why you'd want to keep your relationship with a god like that under wraps. I'd be flashing it every second I could."

"Mhm." I pushed my bag up my shoulder. "I heard they're working on a new album."

"Yeah?" She grinned. "Can't wait for it."

"Me either." I smiled at her and walked toward the door.

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"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?" Van was trying to practice how to use chopsticks. His fingers were bent awkwardly as he tried and failed to pick up a piece of chicken.

"Do you care if we're too private or not?"

"Not really, it's more like what you want. If you want post like a thousand pictures of us making out or have even my parents guessing, I'm game either way." He grinned, letting the chopsticks fall from his hand.

"Alright cool."

"But be assured that if I'm asked I will definitely brag about you to the world."

We ate and then walked down the street back to his place. A group of girls recognized him, and they asked for pictures and hugs and all that. I thought about that one girl who I'd chatted with in the bathroom. Surely most of the girls felt the same thing then?

Van's arm looped around mine as we walked again and I tucked my hair back, jamming my hand in my pocket as a gust of wind made me shiver. We practically ran to his building, out of breath and slightly sweaty as we waited for the elevator.

"Look who's here!" Bondy's voice rang out loud as Van threw the door open and I stepped inside. "It's the light of my life, Carmen."

"I'll kick your ass Bondy boy." Van shut the door, grabbing my hand and pulling me with him onto the couch.

"Not here please, my pure virgin eyes can not handle any impure actions." Bondy joked.

"Bondy I thought you'd be drunk by now." Carmen laughed. "It's already eight."

"Touche." He laughed.

My phone vibrated in my hands and I glanced at a message from an unknown number.

Hey Van, it's Alana. Hope you don't mind I got your number from the label directory

I stood up to grab some water and wrote a reply.

Hey, what's up?

My sisters and I would love to work with you. I think your lyrics are great like I said before lol, and Danielle and Este are super stoked to work with you too.

Oh yeah, that'd be great. I already have some songs written that I think would be class

Great! Uh maybe we can meet up tomorrow at my place if that's not any trouble?

Sure, just text me the address and I'll see you tomorrow

Cool, is three ok?

Sounds good

I shut my phone off and went to sit back down next to Carmen, putting a hand on her knee and trying to listen to the conversation again.

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"You're going to Alana Haim's house tomorrow? What are you, mad? She wants to shag your brains out and you're offering to meet at her house." Bondy laughed dryly.

"It's for work. Her sisters are gonna be there and it's just to show some songs to them."

"Bet you she'd gonna be alone and she'll say it was because her sisters told her they couldn't make it."

I heard the sink running. Carmen was about to leave and though I really much wanted her to spend the night, I knew I'd probably wake up late and then have to rush off to the appointment at Alana's house.

"No it won't." I muttered at Bondy.

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Carmen:

I was on my laptop when Nicole called me.

"Hi angel, are you busy?" She said,not a hint of joy in her voice like there usually was.

"I'm not, what's up?"

"Ok, so...as you know Bob and I sometimes go out, as friends."

"Uh huh."

"And I kind of may like him as more than that."

"I realized."

"And so sometimes when I'm on Tumblr, I'll look him up. Because they have the best pictures of him. And I'm creepy."

"Totally understandable. I do that sometimes with Van. Not that I'd ever tell him. His ego is already too much."

"Ok, well when was the last time you did?"

"Did what?"

"Look up Van?"

"Uh I dunno, like two weeks ago?"

"Ok well I looked up Bob and these new pictures popped up and it may be nothing and I may just be acting like the jealous petty girl that I am, because you know me, but I dunno I just wanted to know if you saw them."

"Why? What are the pictures about?"

"Some girl was at this restaurant two nights ago and saw them there with some girls. They looked awfully cozy together."

"Bob? I don't think"-

"All the guys. I dunno, I may just be over exaggerating."

"Here, I'll look them up."

"Just look up your boy."

I typed Van's name and edited the results to show the most recent ones.

9/30

Van and the boys with Haim!!! Ohmygod it's like two of my favorite bands coming together, I'm going to pee myself....Could they be working on something???? Check out Alana and Van tho

I looked at the pictures, glancing at the way Alana and Van were next to each other, her face bent towards him.

"Carmen." Nicole's voice rang in my ear.

"I, yeah, I found them. Uh, that's a band Nicole. Called Haim."

"Oh. Still."

"No I get what you mean. Weird, Van didn't tell me about meeting them. He asked me if I knew them though."

"Maybe they met at some shows or something?"

"Yeah."

"Carmen you sound weird."

"No, it's just that I uh Jesse told me something."

"Oh ok, well do you think I should worry about it?"

"How about you come over and we watch a movie? Definitely don't get hung up on this."

"OK ok, you always know what to say, I love you so much. I'll stop at Redbox."

I hung up and out of curiosity looked up Haim. I'd never really listened to a lot of their music before. Curious still, and for some reason I felt like this was going to come back and bite me, I googled Van McCann and Alana Haim.

Van McCann reveals crush on littlest Haim. "And Haim, because I fancy the little one!"

I closed the tab and threw my laptop on the bed. That article was from a while ago anyways. No big deal. No fucking big deal.

I stood up and stretched, walking to the bathroom.

So what if Van had said he'd had a crush on Alana Haim? So what if they were hanging out now? So what?

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Van:

"Danielle and Este told me to apologize to you, they got caught up at something in the studio."

"Oh, uh, no problem. This'll be shorter than." I flipped my notebook, looking for the songs I'd saved. "It's just a couple of songs."

"You can sit down if you want." Alana motioned to the couch.

"Sure thanks." I sat down, still looking at the notebook. "Got it."

"These are fantastic." She said after a while, glancing up at me.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Especially this one." She showed me which one.

"That's one of my favorites. But I didn't mean for that one to get thrown in with the other ones sorry. It's one that I'm keeping for myself. Reminds me of my girlfriend."

"Have you guys been together long?"

"Christ, uh, maybe like three years? A bit on and off for a while, but now everything's back to normal."

"That's great." She said simply. "These lyrics are so raw and like they seem angry but also romantic."

"That's always an interesting combination." I laughed. "I dunno, it was just a moment in our relationship where we were just starting to see each other again but there were still these moments of like, are we still the same? Can we still go back to everything? I should probably stop talking about this." I said.

"My sisters always say I should've been a therapist, I could listen to people's lives without interrupting them at all. Guess it's just the face." She teased.

I laughed. "If you say so."

"Are you calling me a liar?" She smiled.