Carmen:

"Carmen." He whispered my name, his voice so low and painful it made my heart twist. I dug my fingers into the fabric of my shirt before releasing it and turning away from him. Seconds passed, and everything was so quiet and I thought I was going crazy because nothing was coming from him. "Carmen, what did you do?" He grabbed my arm just as sudden, turning me around and gripping my face. "What did you do?" His voice was getting louder, but for a second my senses shut down and I couldn't hear anything. I could see his face, the movement of his mouth and the dullness in his eyes.

The door opened and Larry came out, utterly confused. He said some words to Van, but Van didn't listen, his eyes still on mine and his fingers digging into my arms.

"I-It wasn't. I couldn't do anything." I mumbled, tears pricking my eyes. "It's my fault."

Larry was still looking at us, and he reached a hand to Van, but Van pushed him away with one hand.

And then I saw the way Van looked back at me. Disgusted. Afraid. "Tell me everything you did."But I hadn't done anything. Van reached for me again, a flash of something in his eyes. "What did you do?!"

"I didn't do anything!" I yelled back, my voice breaking over his. "Do you think I wanted this?" I jabbed my finger into my scar by accident, but with such a passion it hurt.

"You didn't want the baby, so you got rid of it." He didn't ask, he simply stated.

"Of course not, Van, I thought you knew me."

He stepped back, his face still passive. "Is that why you were talking about babies then? Because you were feeling remorseful?"

The words felt like a blow to my stomach. I now stepped back, my mouth opening and closing, struggling for words. "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?" My voice broke, and something hard got stuck in my throat.

But it was like something had completely taken over Van. He turned around, looking at Larry. Larry looked at both of us with his mouth open. He stepped away and shut the door, Van putting a hand over his eyes. "You said, you would never do what to do with a baby. You said if you got pregnant it would be better if you lose it." He spoke to the wall.

"But that doesn't mean I"-

"You said"-

"I'm telling you this because I need you! I can't carry the weight of this on my own, I"-

"Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?" His voice broke now, and he turned to look at me with red-rimmed eyes. "You didn't have to do this."

"I didn't do anything Van. And it's breaking my heart how you believe that I would do something like that." I put my hands against my face, feeling my throat close up to the point where I couldn't get another word out.

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Van:

I thought of the scar she showed me and black circles swam in my vision. I tried to take a deep breath, and I stepped towards her. I raised my arms to put them around her, and she shoved me back, turning away.

I stepped back again, at a loss. A complete loss. I wanted to believe everything she told me. But it all sounded so unreal.

A baby. A living breathing baby. Us combined into this one being. Who hadn't even taken a first breath.

I turned to the apartment and walked inside, shutting the door and sliding down against it.

I was underwater for a minute. All I could think about was a baby crawling on the floor of this apartment. Or a house. With wooden floors and big windows, your typical suburban dream. Everything I thought I would get with all the money I'd save just for that. Babies, children, that white fence family I'd seen in movies. I wanted it sure, it was an inevitable idea for me. Carmen had become part of that inevitable idea for me.

Larry was bent over, speaking to me. I must've looked mad. I looked at him, but his words sounded so far away. He was pointing behind me, his mouth moving too fast and then too slow.

I shut my eyes and put my hands over them, taking a deep breath. Larry smacked his hand against my arm, and finally his words reached me.

"Did you just leave her there?"

I stood up and threw the door open. But of course, she was already gone.

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Carmen:

He slammed the door behind him. He thought it was my fault.

I guess in a sense it was, but I didn't want to believe he would think that.

I moved into my car and numbly drove, zoning out at every stoplight until I pulled into the apartment building. I hugged myself in the elevator, stumbling out and realizing I'd forgotten my bag in the car.

I knocked on the door, hoping Jesse was up.

"Hey, is everything ok?" Her tone was too sweet, an open invitation for me to let it all out.

"I'm just, so tired." I said slowly, moving to sit on the couch. "I told Van, like you said."

"Yeah?"

"And he, he thinks I did something."

"What? No he doesn't." She responded in disbelief. "Van knows you, he's crazy for you. Why would he think that?"

"I guess in part it is my fault." A sob broke through, but I was too tired and too drained out. I'd already cried enough this past week.

"No, but what did he do when you told him?"

"He asked me what I'd done. Why hadn't I told him before. And then he walked inside his apartment and slammed the door shut on me."

"Fuck, I'm going over there." She stood up.

"No, you're not."

"Does he not know what that did to you? I saw the look in your eyes after, even when you said that you were fine. You were not fine. And now he doesn't get to act like that." Jesse's voice cracked. She looked at me. "You're supposed to get over it together. He's not allowed to just take himself away to...to be on his own."

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Van:

"You're such a....douchebag. Van, are you listening?! How could you do that to the girl you said you love?"

I looked at the floor, swallowing. "I do, but this was"-

"It was terrible, it was horrible. The idea of...a baby.....and it was tragic, but the fact is, it happened and it's done. And you're supposed to be with her! Whenever she needs you, you've said it yourself. Christ, I can't believe I have to tell you this. I have to tell you. Thought you knew everything already."

"I remember when I met her. I thought she was an entirely different league. And I, well I was nothing much. Just some kids. We were just some kids Larry." I brushed a hand against my nose. "We still are. She still is. She shouldn't have had to do this alone. And what did I do..." I looked at the ground, feeling the look of her face and the way her eyes had reddened and her voice had cracked stab into my chest. I felt the weight of everything come down at once, and I leaned back against the couch, pushing my hands against my hair.

"I know you're devastated. The whole thing is just...a fucking blow. But mate, you can't just set yourself apart. This is about the two of you." Larry said quietly. "And doing that to her didn't do anything good for you. I wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted anything to do with you again."

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Carmen:

"You fucking asshole." I heard Jesse's sharp tone from my room. I'd had the lights off and tried to focus on the sliver of the streetlights to get me to sleep.

"I need to see her. I know what I did, but I have to"-

"You're a fucking-How could you believe she was going to do something like that? I swear to god, if you don't get out."

I stood up and moved towards the door.

"Jesse,"-

"No Van! That was the shittiest move you've ever done. And now she thinks it's all her fault." Jesse's voice cracked. I stepped outside, and they couldn't see me.

"I didn't mean for it to get like that." Van's tone was urgent. I saw his red eyes again, and pictured the way he couldn't even look at me. "I love her, I love her. You can't stop me from seeing her."

I stepped inside the living room now. Van saw me behind Jesse and he stepped forward. Jesse turned around and saw me. "Carmen, Van was just"-

"I have to talk to you." He whispered. "Please let me talk to you."

"It's ok Jesse." I muttered, rubbing my temple. Jesse slowly stepped aside and Van walked through. Jesse looked at me and then disappeared inside the hallway. "So now what? Did you come to give me some final blow or something?" I looked at the wall behind him, crossing my arms.

"I never said I thought you'd done anything to the....to our baby." He finally said it.

"Don't lie to me Van. You looked at me like you'd already made up your mind about it." I stepped back and leaned against the wall.

"I just...I couldn't comprehend it. And I know I reacted in the worst way"-

"You did. I told you this because I thought you'd be with me the moment I did. But you thought I did something."

"You made me believe that. You told me you couldn't do it."

"My body couldn't do it! Do you know how...fucking heartbreaking it was to hear that this had happened out of my control yet inside me?!" I slumped back, feeling the tears come again. "And you know what, I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you that I was so scared. And I was so...I was so scared for the baby and of the baby and of everything it meant. And I thought it was something subconscious, like my body had acted for my mind, because I wasn't thinking about babies and the responsibility and I loved you but I couldn't think about it...I couldn't...." I put my head between my knees and wrapped my arms around myself. Everything tore open inside my head and my chest was tight.

And then his arms were wrapped around me and he was whispering with a cracking voice. His hands dug into my hair and his body shook for a couple of moments. I cried into his shirt and I gripped onto it while I completely drained myself for the third time. I thought I'd emptied myself, but I guess there was more to go now.

We stayed like that, crying for what could have been, and when I finally broke away from him and studied the carpet to avoid looking at him I didn't know what else to tell him. "I love you. Anything you need. You know that." He gripped both of my hands with his. "If it means that we get through. I want to get through with you." I leaned into him and let his fingers close around mine, feeling the load on my chest lighten a little bit.

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We talked about it. We didn't shy away from it. Van was uneasy at first, and he put on a cold front, mainly trying to focus on me.

But I knew it stuck around on his chest. I hated it. I wished I could've kept it with me instead, and never had to see the look in his eyes change. But I couldn't keep it with me, and he talked about and we let it hang over our heads until it was just a stroke of bad luck.

Maybe it was because we were young. We had our entire lives ahead of us. And this was upsetting and sometimes I'd lie awake at night thinking about it until I had to scroll through old conversations with Van to reassure myself, but it slowly grew into something that just wasn't meant to be.

I talked to my mom about it, and she didn't shy away from it either. She forced me to go to therapy, which I was secretly grateful for. Talking to Van about it was one thing, and it was comforting and easy, but it was also easy to talk to a stranger about it, and sort of unfold my problems onto someone else without feeling bad about it.

The semester passed, in a mix of good and bad days. Van traveled back and forth, and thank god he had music to turn to. I know he liked to keep everything to himself some days, but music was his form of therapy. School was a distraction, Jesse was a distraction. And once I'd finally told Nicole, she was a massive distraction. Work was a distraction.

Everything was falling back into comfortable again.

Spring semester ended, and Van invited me to visit him. For the entire summer. Catfish were going to be doing a round of festivals and he was dying for me to see them play. I was just as eager, considering I hadn't gotten the chance to see them perform at larger arenas.

Work was another thing. I said I was going away for the summer and that hadn't run well with the owners. So I was now on indefinite leave, most probably fired. More jobs would come anyways.

I invited Jesse and Nicole, and they met for the second time the day of the flight. They seemed to get along.

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Van:

I licked my lips while I waited at the airport. I had my sunglasses on but that didn't stop some people from coming to me, asking for pictures. It was always a rush for me anyways.

I was impatient. I hadn't seen Carmen in a month after getting called to the studio for meetings and festival arrangements. It was buzzing to be playing at sold out shows in arenas I'd wished to play since I was young, but I couldn't wait to see her now. And have her see me and be with me, like I'd waited so long for.

Everything was in place. Maybe there were times when I'd get a sudden feeling in my chest when I thought of the night at Carmen's where we'd both unraveled in the middle of the living room, but it was one of those things that passed by in seconds. I dunno if I believed in fate or destiny, or actually maybe I did, but this just seemed like some fucked up piece in fate. And we'd gotten through it.

I saw her striding to me, Jesse and her other friend Nicole struggling to keep up with her. It was always that same feeling with Carmen. Like home.

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We gathered around the flat with the guys. Bob seemed to be taking some like in Nicole, I could see how he talked to her and looked at her when he thought no one was looking. Jesse joked around with Bondy and Benji. And Carmen sat close to me and listened to everything. She looked so present and happy and I held her closer to me, laughing at something Bondy was saying.

"Where's your first festival?" Carmen asked later that night, when the guys had crowded around the living room to sleep in after arguing with Jesse and Nicole to have their room. They could be class lads when they wanted to, I'd laughed before heading to mine and Benji's room with Carmen.

"Glasgow. You'll love it." I responded, feeling her body curl up underneath mine.