Carmen:

I didn't know whether I should have given it a name. I didn't know if it was even a girl or a boy. My chest clogged up when I thought of a boy with Van's eyes, or a girl with his nose.

I numbed myself up with the taste of a cigarette and staring at the television screen. Jesse hovered near me but then she didn't know what to do aside from stroke my back and ask if I was hungry.

The night after the hospital visit I laid in bed, fully succumbing to the tears I'd been putting off on. I don't know who I cried more for: me, the baby, or Van. The baby. No, it was better if I just called it the fetus, because that seemed less solid. It hadn't even developed much.

I went online and looked up how much had developed for the time I'd had it. Little arms, webbed fingers, vocal chords. Nothing much. I could just tell myself it was nothing much.

Van called me and I watched his name dance around on my screen until it went black. It lit up again with a voicemail. It had been three days since the hospital and I couldn't bring myself to hear his voice or tell him anything. No, I wouldn't tell him anything about this little thing I'd carried inside myself, even if it was in part his. It no longer existed.

Because you were too weak. Every piece inside of you was so weak that nothing could grow.

I nursed that thought with cigarette after cigarette, unable to taste food and glad when Jesse went to sleep and stopped looking at me with so much pity I couldn't even pretend to look at the television anymore and just stared at the ground, waiting for her to stop looking at me.

I think I was a little crazy. Because I guess I should've felt more for this than I was. And I felt bad for it, because the truth was that although I could have had a baby and then this would've been something special between Van and I and blah blah blah, thinking about a baby right now left me out of breath. And I felt a strange sense of relief followed by a chest-crushing sadness because I figured I had somehow willed this pregnancy to end badly by subconsciously not wanting it. Even if I hadn't known about it in the first place.

And Van. I couldn't tell Van. I couldn't tell him that he'd been so close to being a father at 23 but that it hadn't happened and the truth was I was the slightest bit relieved because of it. Because no doubt he'd think I was a monster.

So he called me for the next five days and left voicemails while I fell in and out of feeling sorry for us and feeling sorry for this piece of us that hadn't made it through.

"It's me again. At the studio, going mad. Call me soon." I hung up the voicemail and took a deep breath. It had been a week. I knew I couldn't keep going like this forever.

I'd buried myself in my job and school and didn't bother talking to anyone. Because I felt like I had to say something but then I didn't want to say anything about it. I almost wished Jesse hadn't known about it, but she'd been the one to get me at the hospital.

"You should talk to someone." She said when I sat back down at the dinner table and poked at a bowl of cereal.

"What do you mean?"

"You know....I can't even imagine to begin how it feels." She shook her head, placing her elbows on the table. "And you don't have to keep up with this tough girl attitude. Have you told anyone?"

"I don't want to tell anyone. It's done." I let the spoon drop and picked up the bowl, taking it to the sink.

"Have you told him?" She continued.

"No. I don't think it'd be a good idea. And for what?" My voice cracked. I cleared my throat and crossed my arms, leaning against the sink and rubbing the bridge of my nose. "It was a close call, but that's it."

"Carmen, I heard what they had to do. You heard it, you felt it. It"-

"I'm gonna call Van, he called me and I should call back." I spoke numbly, heading to my room.

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"Hello." He answered brightly. "I was thinking about you. Thought you'd right gotten mad at me for leaving the milk to spoil back at my place again."

I bit my nail, looking at the ground. "No, I just haven't had much time with work and school. How are you?"

"We've been at the studio with Rich. Working on a couple of songs. Luckily he said we can take our time with this album. And I figured this means I can fly out there in a couple of weeks."

"Yeah? That'd be great." I spoke honestly, realizing I'd had my hand on my stomach for a minute. I let it drop, growing slightly annoyed as I shut my eyes and pressed the phone to my ear. "I'd really really love to have you here again." I spoke shakily, looking at my wall.

"I'd really really love to be there. And I can't wait." He took a deep breath. "Today on the way back to the flat some kid knocked over a cup of hot tea on Bondy. Poor bugger got as red as a cherry. But Bondy didn't do much except laugh and tell the kid that if he were a little older he'd have had to buy Bond a drink. The lad's mum totally went off on the kid and his sister was looking starstruck the whole time and waited till her mum was done to ask for an autograph." He laughed.

"Kids are weird huh?" I mumbled.

"We're still kids too, kinda." He teased. I heard static on the other end and licked my lips.

"What names would be cool for a baby?" The words tumbled out of my mouth. I rubbed my temple.

"What do you mean? Like just names in general?" He sounded confused.

"Yeah, like any names."

"For a boy or girl?" He asked slowly.

"Either."

"Uh well, I've never had to think about it. Dunno really."

I grew hot suddenly because I could tell he was a bit weirded out and confused. And my stomach was turning because I don't know why I was asking him this. "Forget it."

"Now you have me thinking about that." He said seriously. "Maybe Reese for a boy."

"Like Reese's cup?" I could hear him laugh on the other end. It soothed me.

"Maybe. But you're right, let's not talk about that anymore because we are kids and the only thing I wanna think about it flying over to give you a million kisses in the next month."

I felt a hot flash of annoyance so big it almost felt like it couldn't be from me. Why didn't he wanna talk about it? "Today at work a girl came in. She looked really young, and she had two kids with her, one about four and one maybe six months," I lied, trying to figure where I was going with this. "Guess she was my age, maybe a little younger."

"Christ." Was all he could say.

"And I dunno, I was thinking. About babies."

"What about babies?" The weariness in his voice thick.

"They're everywhere." I said lamely. "I guess I was just thinking if you ever thought about babies."

"Like us?" He said, totally confused. "You don't mean us, do you?"

"I dunno, do you?"

"Carmen, you're the one who brought up the topic." He said, laughing uneasily. "I never figured you'd wanna talk about babies now."

I shut my eyes, swallowing dryly. "I have to go."

"Carmen"-

"Goodnight I love you."

".....Goodnight. Love you."

I hung up the phone, letting it drop back onto my bedspread and kneading my palms over my eyes while I let myself drop with it. I laid down on my stomach, but I was still delicate there. I stood up and wandered over to my vanity, pulling my shirt up and looking at the bandage fixed right over my belly button. Feeling nauseous, I let the shirt drop down again.

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Van:

I fought back a yawn and pushed my head against the seat, glancing at the window.

Larry was snoring in the seat next to mine and I scratched my neck and shut my eyes, trying to fall asleep.

I fell into a weird sleep, waking up every thirty minutes or so. Larry slept like a log, the bugger. I checked my phone, going over the last messages I'd shared with Carmen.

See you soon xx

I plugged in my earphones and listened to a bout of Oasis while my eyes shut again.

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I pressed her against me, breathing in deeply. She stepped back, her face looked tired. She'd thrown the cigarette in ash tray near the trash when we surprised her from behind. Her smile had appeared bright, but something in her eyes looked like she hadn't gotten much sleep in a while.

"You ok?" I whispered into her ear while Larry talked on the phone and we made our way to her car.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She replied.

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As if he hadn't spent almost the entire flight asleep, as soon as we got to the apartment, Larry stretched out on the couch and was out in minutes.

Carmen and I glanced at him and then at each other. "I'm starving. Let's go grab something and then bring him back something...if he wakes up today." I grabbed her hand as we left the apartment.

We drove around until we ended up in this Chinese food spot I had a liking to.

Carmen was weirdly silent after we ordered, and she fiddled with her napkin after the waiter left. I felt like she was dying to tell me something.

"So how's everything?" She said, looking at me.

"Everything is great. And I'm glad I'm here and I wish I could take you back with me. When are you gonna come visit again?" I put my face in my hand and smiled.

"Soon, for the summer." She responded.

"How about the entire summer?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'd like that." She looked at me and then seemed to look past me, her smile dropping. I turned around and saw a couple with a toddler. The baby was pushing his little chubby fist along the gumball machine near the door.

"Carmen?"

She snapped out of it, leaning forward and placing her chin on her hand. "I think I'd like Sebastian for a boy." She said sleepily.

"Carmen, babe."

She seemed like she was falling asleep, but she jerked forward, suddenly reviving. "I....sorry."

Talking about baby names was something she'd done before, I remembered. But why now? She was looking at the baby again, I could tell by the way her eyes suddenly got glassy. She fiddled with her napkin and looked down again. She glanced up and saw I was looking at her. All she did was smile.

She ate normally, and we went back to talking about anything and everything. She made me laugh with stories about work and helped me try and figure out why our manager Martin couldn't seem to relax.

"Maybe it's his work ethic." She replied, smiling.

"Maybe he wants to become the entire band himself. Or replace me. Change the name to Martin and the Bottlemen. Or Martin and the Martinmen."

She laughed, intertwining her fingers around mine. We left the place in good spirits, my arm wrapped around her and her fingers closed around mine.

When we got to the apartment Larry was awake and playing Fifa on the TV. He accepted the food we got him and didn't pay much attention as we wandered to the bedroom. His yells could barely be heard once we shut the door.

I wrapped Carmen in a hug, feeling her body ease underneath mine. We laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Her breathing grew slower, and I thought she'd fallen asleep next to me.

"Sebastian for a boy. And maybe Elise for a girl." She said sleepily.

"Hm?" I wasn't sure I'd heard her.

"Why Reese?"

"Carmen, what's up? Why do you wanna be talking about baby names all of a sudden?"

"Why don't you?" She said, her voice less sleepy and sharper.

"Because, they're not in our vicinity yet."

"So if I got pregnant would it be better if I just lost it?" She said, her voice cracking. She sat up and her eyes were wet. "It would be, wouldn't it?"

"Carmen, what are you talking about? Of course I didn't mean that. But, we, well it's not something you want right now is it?"

She didn't say anything, standing up and walking to the door. "I have to go."

"Hold on, stay here." I slid off the bed, walking towards her. She brushed me off and walked outside. Larry was still yelling at the television. I followed Carmen silently out the door, trying to see what she was acting out for. "Carmen."

"I dunno why I'm talking about babies. The truth is I don't think I could do it with a baby. And I'm sorry, I don't know why this is happening now. Why this happened now." She crossed her arms, leaning against the wall.

"Just tell me what's wrong. Let me in on whatever it is. I just want to know."

"I don't want to." She suddenly looked so pained. "Van, just take my word for it, please. It's better if you don't."

"You can't act like that and then tell me this. Carmen, if it has to do with us it"-She grabbed her shirt and pulled it up suddenly. I looked down and saw the faded red scar right above her belly button. "What"-

"You wanted to know, fine. This," she traced the scar with her finger. "hasn't been letting me sleep for the last week. And I'm sorry Van, because I couldn't' do it."

"You couldn't what? Carmen, that scar..." I looked at her helplessly. She looked like she was about to lose it.

"I couldn't keep the baby alive. Because I didn't want to." Her voice shook.