2017 - January

I walked down the street after getting out of the subway and turned the corner I knew so well. My mind was moving a thousand miles a minute, but I had to keep moving forward. I got out my ID card when I went through the glass doors and scanned in, getting on the elevator with my big suitcase in tow. It dropped me at my floor and then closed. I sighed looking at the door, it had all of our names written on it and next to each of our names were pictures of famous rocky folk musicians. Bob Dylan next to Dylan's name, Neil Young next to Lily, Levon Helm next to Katie, and none other than John Denver next to mine. The room held so many good memories and I was about to break that with a bad one.

I put the key in the door and twisted the knob. When the door opened, I was greeted by familiar faces and loud music. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Katie screamed running and jumping into my arms. Not just like a little jump, a full on jump, one that landed us both on the ground. She kept hugging me and I could smell the alcohol on her.

"Already, enough... Enough!" I said, partially laughing and also kind of annoyed with her because my butt hurt now. She got off of me and helped me up.

"Sorry, just missed you!" She said. I gave her an 'it's okay' smile and gave her another hug.

"You know there are more of us here right?" Dylan said, unhappily. I looked around to all of the people standing and staring at us. Lily was sitting on top of the counter and Glen was leaning against the table sipping at his beer.

"Of course, I'm sorry.." I went over to each of them and gave them hugs. I tried to play the night off like everything was okay, mainly because Glen was there and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I couldn't drink anything, everytime I even looked at alcohol it made me feel sick. I found myself touching my stomach more than I had the past couple of days. My hand seemed to cling onto my belly under my shirt which I'm sure looked weird from an outsider perspective.

We had just finished cleaning up, when Glen said he was going to head out. "You coming love?" He asked Katie. She looked around at the room, then to me.

"I don't think so, I'm gonna stay with Mags tonight." She responded, giving him a kiss.

"Alright, love you. Bye all!" He said

"Love you too." Katie closed the door and slowly walked over to me. I watched as all the girls turned to face me.

"So, how was Michigan?" Lily asked.

"Oh, it was.. well, it was good I guess. Super tired from travel and just hanging around."

"So did you see anyone there?" Katie asked, they were getting at something, I just didn't really know what it was yet.

"Um.. yeah, I saw some people.. over New Years." I found myself flinching at that word.

"But what about after that?" Lily asked.

"No, it was just me at home.." I saw them all share a look.

"Mags... We know something's wrong." She said.

"We just want to be here for you." Dylan said, putting a hand on my knee. I stayed silent looking at my hands and taking deep breaths. I felt my palms get damper with every movement.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I said harshly. That was the problem with me, when my temper came it really came and I didn't like confrontation.

"Nothing happened?" Katie asked. I nodded at her slowly. "Bullshit." She pulled out her phone and scrolled through some things. "Lily said you left to figure things out at home and we assumed you were doing fine, but this morning I got this text message.." She handed her phone to me.

Unknown Number: Hey, this is Sam, Maggie's friend. Sorry to bother you, but I just was wondering if you knew where she was? Some stuff happened and she's not at home, we're just all really worried. Thanks.

Katie: Oh, sorry no she's not here.. Any idea where she might be? What happened?

Maybe "Sam": No, not sure. She might be going back to the city, that would make the most sense. I think it's best if she tells you what happened.

Katie: Okay, thanks for the heads up.

I rolled my eyes. "Maggie, cut the bullshit." Lily said, seriously.

"I don't know how to say it." I said, obviously choked up.

"Did something happen with Jake?" Dylan asked, as if I was a child. I couldn't speak, I just nodded. "Okay, we can start with that. Did you.. ya know.. did you break up?" Again, not able to speak, I let out a little whimper and a nod, knowing that I was ugly crying.

"I'm gonna kill him.." Katie said, I could tell she was already tense and now she was completely pissed off.

"Listen you don't need him..." I shook my head furiously.

"It wasn't him.. it was me, I ended it." They didn't speak, until Lily said something.

"Thank fucking god!" Dylan smacked her arm.

"Shut the fuck up!" She said, giving her a glare. Lily sighed. "Sweetie, why? Did you just have enough?" Dylan continued. I nodded again, about to say something, but was cut off.

"Good, you deserve so much more." Lily said.

"Lily, let her speak!" Katie yelled. I watched as Lily scooched back uncomfortably, I reached over and took her hand.

"Something happened... when I got home I was feeling a little bit ill, my period wasn't coming and you know how bad my cramps can be. I just felt irritable, so I took a few painkillers to calm down and got dressed and everything. As the night went on I had a few drinks, but close to midnight he showed up..." I paused to wipe away tears. "He showed up with her. I didn't really know what to do, so I started drinking. I drank a lot and I was already pretty out of it from the painkillers. I wasn't feeling well, we went up to the bathroom and I was bleeding, but my periods never early.. you know that." I wiped tears away, but they kept coming. "I was just laying in this hospital bed, hooked up to these machines.. they told me what happened, that it wasn't my fault. I was the only one that knew about those pills besides the doctor, they say it wasn't my fault, but I know that it was." The room was silent, so silent it was like a current was washing through the room. Katie grabbed my body so I could cry into her chest.

"We can get through this, you have us." Lily said in a sweet voice.

"That's not all.." The room became even more silent, if that was even possible. "Um, this is gonna sound bad.." I saw their faces change, as if to say 'how could it get any worse?'. "Jake left me a note, to meet him at... our spot and I decided to go, but he never showed up. Instead Josh came with an excuse for Jake and we started talking..."

"You didn't." Katie said, full well knowing my past with him.

"I did and worst of all, I lied to him completely. I made it seem like I wanted to be with him, like whatever was going to happen would happen again. I left saying that I would talk to him soon."

"I know this is difficult and playing with your mind, but babes -- that's fucked up." Dylan spoke.

"I know.." My face which was recovering from tears formed back down and once again I was ugly crying. "I don't know what to do!" I whined out like a baby.

"I know what you're gonna do." Lily said, her voice stronger than before. "You're gonna get through this because your 19 and your whole life is ahead of you. You're beautiful and intelligent and funny and you'll meet someone and love them and have lots of babies.."

"We know that you must feel like crawling into a hole right now, but we're here, always. And who says healing doesn't involve raunchy movies." Katie said, I saw a tear creep from her eye.

"I think I need leave." I said.

"Okay, where do you wanna go? We can go see a movie or go get drunk or go find some guys downstairs to play poker with.." Dylan said.

"No. I mean, I think I need to go away from all of this. I think I should leave school or maybe spend some time abroad."

"You're not leaving school, so if you really need this, then you should go abroad." Katie said. "They have a great Paris program, I hear..."