I decided it was best to go back to my house the next day. I took my bags and said my goodbyes, having Kelly drive me. The ride was silent, as was most of my time that morning. Kelly was the perfect dad, he knew when to speak and when to be quiet, but when he did speak it was pure knowledge and real love. I wish that my father was like that. As we pulled up in front of my house, he turned the car off and turned to look at me. "How're ya feeling kiddo?" He asked.

"Not too good.." I responded, picking at my cuticles.

"I know that this is difficult, I know how much pain you're feeling, but I want you to remember that this was not your fault. No matter how much you blame yourself, it will never be your fault, okay?" I nodded along, but in my head and my heart I knew that it was my fault. I had killed that child, it was my stupid behavior that had killed my baby. "I also need you to know that you are loved in so many ways. I don't like to say this much, I already have a lot of kids, but you are the fifth. You're my daughter. You make me just as proud as any of the others. It tears me apart to see you this way, I need you to know how much I love you." I let out a shaky smile and gave him a hug.

"I love you too." I whispered into his shoulder. He helped me take my suitcase out of the car, but I insisted that I go in by myself. As he pulled away, I thought that it was odd the cars weren't in the driveway. Someone was almost always at home these days. I walked up the front walk and up the stairs and saw that the mail was piling up in the mailbox and that all of our newspapers were on the welcome mat. I walked around back and got the spare key from the fern and opened up the door. "Hello?" I yelled, but the echo just came back. I checked my phone, something I hadn't done since the accident. I had texts from people I assumed I had communicated with that night and at the bottom of all the notifications there was a missed call from my mom. I clicked on it to call her back. The phone rang for a while before I heard my mom's groggy voice.

"Hi, sweetie. Everything okay?" She asked.

"Um yeah, well, no. I'm at home... in Michigan.." I heard her make a little gasp noise.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry we didn't tell you. We decided last minute on taking a trip to visit your grandparents."

"You're in England?" I asked, shocked.

"Yes sweets, we knew that you were working and thought it was best we didn't tell you. I'm so sorry. I can't believe this." I imagined how my mother was acting, sitting up in bed. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was 7:00 in the afternoon here, so there it was midnight. She was whispering a bit, but I knew my dad had woken up when she started explaining what happened.

"It's okay, mom. I'll be fine here, I don't leave for a couple of weeks, but I might leave earlier."

"Alright, well I'm going to transfer money into your account, so you have stuff for food and other things. Under the tree, there are some gifts for you. Take this time to relax my darling."

"I love you, momma." I said gently into the phone.

"I love you too, my Maggie." I hung up the phone and looked around the kitchen. Was I hungry? Not really, but should I eat? Probably. I opened the refrigerator, but it was empty, so I grabbed an apple and turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, laying down the couch. I didn't end up eating that apple, but I did fall asleep.

When I woke up it was light outside again. I went upstairs and took a shower, not caring about what I looked like when inside I felt like giving up. I let my hair dry naturally as I walked down the stairs in a huge sweatshirt I bought from Jaami's -- a sweatshirt so big that it went down to my mid-thigh -- and a pair of bootcut leggings. I needed to go to the supermarket, but I dreaded actually leaving the house.

Being in the store seemed to go by quickly, but the rides to and from were like marathons. I was uneasy behind the wheel always looking around and daydreaming, when I shouldn't have been. The sky was beautiful, but I had a mask over myself and the sun reminded me of loss and anger. I brought all of the bags into the house and began unpacking, when I saw a note on the counter that wasn't there before.

"'Now I see I'm all alone,

That's the only way to be,

You'll have your chance again,

Then you can do the work for me,

Meet on the ledge, we're gonna meet on the ledge,

If you really mean it, it all comes round again.'

Meet me...

J."

I knew exactly where he wanted me to go, so when the sun started to set I got in the car and drove. I didn't know why I was going, I shouldn't have been, but I knew whatever Jake needed to say, it was important. We hadn't gone to our spot for a while and when we did it was for momentous occasions. I watched the trees grow thicker, the green surrounding me. I rolled down the windows to breathe it in, the air seemed to set me free and I found myself smiling, something I wasn't forcing. The sun was almost completely down and it's orange hue passed through my body, warming my heart to a temperature it hadn't been for some time. The ground changed from pavement to gravel and dirt and I pulled into the little hiker's pass. There were no other cars, so I got out and started walking. The sound of twigs snapping under my feet echoed in my mind, I could feels my chest heaving up and down with every movement. The snow had melted, but the cold was still there. I saw it as I got closer, the little cliff. I got up on the rock, tucking my legs into my sweatshirt.

It was dark, the moon was the only thing providing light for me, but like always it was enough. He wasn't there yet and I started to wonder if he wasn't coming, but then I heard those same twigs snapping behind me. He was getting closer to me, I could see his shadows in the messy ground. I turned my head to meet his eyes, but they weren't his. "Josh.." I whispered. He pulled himself up on the rock. "Where is he?" I asked, my voice quivering. He didn't respond, he just shook his head. I felt myself start to collapse into my sweatshirt. Josh took my hand.

"Jesus, you must be freezing." He held my hands up in his, putting his lips on my fingertips, and blew warms air. I watched his eyes as he did it, they stayed with mine. I moved closer to him, putting my head on his shoulder. He kept hold on my hands.

"Do you ever think about what life would be like if we had taken different paths? Simpler paths?" I asked him. "Like if I had just gone to college closer to home, maybe I would have met someone, just a nice guy who loved me and who I would love. We would just get married and move into a little house near the mountains and have children and enjoy life together?" I rubbed circles on my hands as I spoke, but he didn't say anything. "Yeah, I think about that a lot. What if I just chose to let myself be happy."

"Mags.." He spoke.

"I know, I know, if I chose that path then I wouldn't have an exciting life, but maybe it would be exciting. I would have grandchildren and watch them grow, teach them to read, and help them know the difference between Joni Mitchell and Joan Baez."

"You can still have all of that."

"No, not after what happened." He tilted his head to look at me and I looked up at him. His skin was smoother in this light and his eyes glistened against the moon.

"You're so much stronger than you know." I showed him a small smile and he smiled back.

"Josh.. where is he?" I asked, my voice cracking. "You can tell me."

"H-he's at home. He said he couldn't come." I let out a loud, sharp breath.

"But you came." I said, trying to process.

"I'm here, I'll always be here for you." I squeezed his hand a little and picked my head up to look at him.

"You're too good to me." I said to him, kissing his cheek. I stayed close to him in that moment as he turned to look at me. I leaned in farther and placed a gentle kiss on his lips and pulled away. Josh's eyes were staring into mine with surprise, but put my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb near his temple. I moved again, kissing him. I didn't stop this time, I put all of my love on him. I started to push him back on the smooth rock. As he was almost laying down, he pulled away.

In between heavy breaths he spoke. "Maggie, we shouldn't do this. You're hurt, this isn't good for you."

"I need this, I need you more than you'll ever understand." I started to unzip his pants, I felt his nervous eyes on me.

"I don't want you to regret this." He said.

"I won't, I won't regret it." I knew what I was saying was a lie, but I had to do this. I was being pulled to him, I needed human contact. I scooched his pants down so they wrested on his mid thigh, just enough. I kissed him again, hungrily. I reached down and pulled my pants and underwear down, again just enough and as I kissed him again I slid him inside of me. We both gasped and I tilted my head back. I moved on top of him in a rough manner, rolling my hips faster than I normally would. Josh sat up, so we were closer and I put my arms around his neck bouncing. He kissed my neck and I moaned loudly as he founded the spot Jake knew so well. I gripped onto his hair as I felt myself tightening. "Fuck." I said in an airy and desperate voice. "I'm gonna..." and then it happened. I clung onto his body as he continued to move inside of me. He came a little while after, but stayed inside of me for a while. When we finally moved, a wave of guilt rushed through me. I pulled my pants up, we hadn't even used a condom. I'm such a fuck up, I just led him on and I love him, but not this type of love. Why do I always do this?

"You okay?" He asked. I looked over at him and gave him a weak smile.

"Yeah, all good." I said. "I think I might head home."

"I'll walk to the car with you." He pulled his pants up and we walked back to our cars. "I'll call you tomorrow to check in." He said and I nodded.

"Okay." He leaned down as kissed me, like the first one, gentle and sweet. "Bye, Josh." I got into the car as he got into his and I let him drive away first. I knew that I needed to make two stops that night -- the first being the pharmacy to get Plan B, the second being the airport so I could catch a flight back to New York.