This person is annoyed by everything that their best friend does.

Hello,

As sad as it can be, some friendships don’t last forever. They start off good, but few actually "last" for the long run. That's okay. Everything has an expiration date, and some come sooner than others. That doesn't take away the fact that this friendship was important to you at any point. It just means your relationship is different. Things change. As we grow older, each and every single one of us changes, too. Our interests change, our beliefs change, and our personalities change. Essentially, everything changes, including our friendships, and that’s completely normal. We lose some long-term friends and gain new ones again and again.

Your friendship with your best friend might have been good, but both you and her changed. You now find her boring and annoying for traits she probably already had before you became friends. I can almost guarantee that your best friend has always been a bit socially anxious, but you never noticed or minded it until recently.

The cause could be mood swings and your menstrual cycle like you said, but if you had these feelings stewing in your mind for a while, even possibly before your period, then it probably isn’t a result of your cycle. Yes, we, as women, can be more irritable than normal on those days, but it usually doesn’t last long outside of that time. I suggest waiting a week or two and seeing if these irritable feelings still remain. If they do, then it’s probably not your menstrual cycle, but that doesn't mean your cycle isn't adding to it.

It is also important to look at other patterns in your life. Remember when we talked about attachment styles? You have a tendency to become uncomfortable or annoyed in relationships after some time. We've talked about this a few different times. Part of the reason you've started to get bored and annoyed by your friend could be because you're following this same pattern just in the context and environment of a different relationship. It's a type of self-sabotage. For some people, when they get too comfortable, their brains tell them it's bad or unsafe and it makes them want to flee. Sometimes that looks like ending a relationship. Sometimes it's fear, annoyance, restlessness, anger...either way, your brain tells you you're uncomfortable. Take some time to think over what made you become friends with her in the first place, and what it felt like back then. What drew you to each other? What characteristics or circumstances made your friendship click into place? Try to identify what changed, and if you can, when.

Another cause of this that you already noted is projection, specifically a type of projection called neurotic projection. When you feel insecure about some aspect of yourself (i.e. body image, social anxiety, how you present yourself), you seek out ways to identify those negative emotions and insecurities in other people as a defense mechanism. You target the insecurities of your best friend in order to avoid dealing with your own concerns and insecurities. Similarly, since you’ve known your friend for a long time, you are starting to see yourself in her, specifically the negative things, and other things people may not notice. This is called your ‘shadow side’ and refers to a part of you that may not like. When you see this trait or part in other people, it causes you to dislike them because you are essentially seeing your ‘shadow.’ Again, seeing your ‘shadow’ or noticing details in someone isn’t necessarily really unusual. We see it all the time with siblings or anyone we’re really close with. However, not only does projection and seeing your ‘shadow’ hurt your friend, but it also hurts you. Once you start projecting and start seeing your ‘shadow’, it’s not easy to stop. There are a variety of things you can do to reduce this, including acknowledging your insecurities and the ones you are projecting. One such way is to set 10 minutes on a timer and create two t-charts. One for your friend and one for you. On one side of the t-charts write down things you like about you and your friend, and things you dislike about you and your friend on the other. Notice any similarities between the two t-charts? Those similarities are likely the things you may be projecting onto or seeing in your friend.

Additionally, I advise you to be compassionate for both yourself and your friend. That entails being understanding toward yourself and others when you or they suffer, fail, or feel not enough, rather than ignoring the pain or taking it out in negative ways. Accept how you are. Accept how your friend is. Coming from someone who is also a bit quiet and socially awkward, I can assure you that your friend does not mean to be so quiet, awkward, annoying, or boring on purpose. She more than likely has no idea how annoying and boring she seems to you. Do not seek to blame or hate her for who she simply is. Do not seek to blame or dislike yourself simply for who you are either. Rather, be honest with yourself and with your needs.

Remember your personal power in your friendship, too. If she or your friendship seems a bit boring, then you can control the situation. Seek out your friend. Start those conversations. Text her. Ask her what she’s doing this weekend and if she wants to hang out. Schedule something with her. If, at any point in time, you feel like your friend is a bit uncomfortable and awkward, then manipulate the situation into something more casual. Do or talk about something that you know both you and your friend will enjoy and won’t feel awkward around. Establish those safe boundaries and safe zones. We all live in our personal safe bubbles and I’m sure your friend will hate it if you pop hers. Try to see past her social anxiety and awkwardness in favor of who she really is, I’m sure she will appreciate it. And if you get to a point where you really don't want to be around her anymore, then you can start thinking about moving away from the friendship, but don't put yourself in a position of regret on the other side of it before you are sure that is what you want.

Hope this helps and please don’t hesitate to contact us anytime for more advice!

Best,

The Advice Column Team