This person keeps lying about things and feel bad about it.

Hello,

It is not uncommon for someone to lie to make themselves out to be "cooler" than they think they are. We see it all over the place: at school, online, etc. but the commonness of it does not make it okay. Knowing that and admitting that you are struggling with this problem is a great step, so first and foremost, good job, dear!

Most people innately desire acceptance and validation from their peers, and sometimes lying seems like a good way to achieve it. Unfortunately, it seldom ends well. By lying to your friends, even about silly, seemingly inconsequential things, you wind up weaving a web around your life. That web is very easy to get tangled up in, and usually, the only way to get out once you are caught is to tear your way through. Lies are a weak building material, and they build a very fragile structure. From your request, it seems you know that already, so let's get into the nitty-gritty, shall we?

As previously mentioned, when people lie like this to make themselves seem more interesting to their peers, what's going on is typically a seeking out of validation or acceptance with that peer group. In your case, your lying to friends tells me that you likely struggle with self-esteem issues, another very common issue. We all struggle with low self-esteem to some degree or at some point in our lives. It sucks, but it is part of the universal human experience. So how can you approach this to help stop the lying? As much as I would to, I cannot give you a however-many-step plan to raise your self-esteem. There's simply no such thing. Nothing entirely accurate, at least, but I can give you some tips and tricks that have helped me in the past.

Silly as it may sound (and feel), positive self-talk is incredibly important. You can start doing this by listing verbally things you like about myself (i.e. your eyes, your singing voice, your sense of humor, etc.). You can do this in bed before you go to sleep, in the morning while you're getting ready, in the car, at home, or anywhere you feel comfortable making a list out loud like a crazy person. It will probably feel really dumb at first, but that's okay. You just have to push through it. You should also try doing saying things you love about yourself to your friends. For example, ‘Haha, I love my lame sense of humor, it makes me so happy and I giggle all the time over bad puns.’

The next step is talking to yourself. Look in the mirror and make your list. Tell yourself how lovely you are. Tell yourself how intelligent, funny, beautiful, and loveable you are. Tell yourself how much you matter. It's hard to expect other people to love you when you don't even love yourself. Then, look in the mirror and laugh because you're talking to your reflection, and it feels silly. Smiling and laughing are important to this step! Do this every day. Make it part of your routine.

Wear clothes and accessories that make you feel good. Apply your favorite scent, look into skincare and perfumes. When you look good, you feel good. It's easy to be yourself when you think you're hot stuff.

Pay attention to your negative thought patterns. Part of the positive self-talk action is rewiring your brain to see yourself in a positive light. Annoyingly, our brains naturally latch on to the negative more than the positive. By feeding yourself positive lines of communication, you are working to rewire that synapse. This is a two-pronged attack, the second part being noticing and reworking negative thoughts. Every time you have a negative thought (i.e. "I'm stupid", "No one likes me"), cut it off and rework it into something positive and helpful ("I'm struggling, and that's okay. I just need to ask for help", "I am loveable/kind/interesting/INSERT POSITIVE ADJECTIVE).

Another big part of your lying issue rests in weak self-control. You're obviously aware when you lie. You know what you're saying is untrue, but you struggle with the compulsion to lie. You find yourself lying without really meaning to. Essentially, you have a weak filter. Words flow right through it before you can stop them. What you need to do is replace the bad filter. By working on your self-esteem, you are identifying the "type" of metaphorical filter you need, but you also need to know the size, and that is where self-control comes in. Similar to the point in the self-esteem section, you need to pay attention to your dialogue just as much as your internal words. You need to know what your mouth wants to say before it says it. Taking a tiny pause before you respond to someone or a second to think over what you want to say before starting a conversation can be immensely helpful. That pause is an opportunity to gather your words. Think of it being an intelligent pause, mumble a ‘Hm…’ as if you’re preparing to give a good, intelligent answer, this gives you some time to prepare your answer. It also gives you a choice in what you say and how you present yourself.

Being authentically yourself is a choice. It can a hard one, but in the end, it is better to be who you genuinely are than it is to be someone else. By lying to them you are not only risking your friendships, but you are also fostering a relationship built upon a fragile foundation that is bound to fall. Your friends love you, and they want to be friends with you, not some other version of you. If they don't like who you are in truth, then they weren't friends in the first place. People learn to adjust to each other and I’m sure if they truly do care, they’d adjust, love and accept you for who you are.

I hope this helps, love. Be honest with yourself, be true with your friends, and work on that self-esteem and self-control! We wish you the best of luck.

Best,

The Advice Column Team