Advice Request

This person is having issues with their friends.

Answered Submission

Hi there!

Before anything else, I just want to say this and also stress it out that you are not overreacting at all. Don’t let your friend say that you are overreacting because you are not.

Drifting apart from your friends is a normal thing that happens to almost everyone, and it is good that you are being mature about it and found some new friends instead.

So the current situation is that your school has recently been amalgamated with another school. Your new BFF has also subconsciously drifted away from you.

I’m going to break down my answer into different sections so it will be easier for you to understand everything.

- About the jokes that your BFF has been making about you:

Know that it is wrong to make jokes about people just for the sake of looking cool to others. It would be good to talk with your friend about it and to point out how you’re uncomfortable with the jokes. As a friend, she should know when to stop if you’re uncomfortable, and, moreover, she should understand that when people say no, then it is a no.

Here's a quote from Louis C.K. about this: "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t."

So, if you’re hurt, she doesn't get to decide that you are not hurt.

However, if she still doesn't stop making jokes, my advice is to stop caring about it. I know it is hard to do, but you get to decide what hurts you. Throughout life, you’ll always meet people like this, and it is better to ignore these types of people.

- About what A had said:

What I think A meant about you being ranked above your BFF is that you are closer to her than you are close to your BFF.

- Are you overreacting?

Next, it’s great that you actually told your friend what is wrong because the most important key to having a good relationship is communication, and you’re actually doing your part. What you should not listen to is her response. You’re not emo for telling her your problems. Everyone has problems in life—no exceptions. It’s a thing that people do: talking about the problem instead of ignoring it and dismissing it like it’s no big deal.

You said that she said all those things as a joke, but if you’re not comfortable with it, you should tell her that.

- How do B and C really feel about you?

If you want to, you can ask B and C about how they feel of you. They sound like nice people.

- Should you make up with your bestie?

I think it is a good thing to make up with her because that would result in a less conflicting conclusion, but if her sense of humour is always hurting you, as I had said earlier, you should talk to her about it. If she doesn’t understand that it is hurting you, maybe you need some time apart from your bestie. You don’t have to completely ditch her, but you might need to spend some time with other people as well.

Ask yourself, is her presence really worth your feelings being hurt all the time?

You must know that a relationship is a two-way thing. In a relationship, regardless of whether it’s a romantic relationship or simply a platonic relationship, both sides have to be considerate of each other’s feelings.

- Should you ask A about you being her bestie?

That would completely be up to you, but personally, I think asking her would be a great idea.

- Should you hang out with A, B, and C?

Yeah, I think you should go for it because you need to spread your wings more and not depend on only one person for fun when your bestie has been hurting you countless times.

- Should you do something differently?

Personally, I think change is needed from time to time to ensure we have great lives. It’s scary to change something in our lives, but who knows? Maybe that change will open up a lot of different, wonderful doors that could lead you to the most amazing journey.

- Making new friends:

You said that making new friends is out of the question because there is a popular girl who has been spreading false rumours about you. Rumours can majorly affect our lives. It’s unfair that most people only believe in rumours, and also that other people talk about us rather than actually coming to us and saying it for themselves. Rumours can be stopped, but they can also get out of control sometimes. However, you should never give up. You can still try to show other girls who you really are. Try to be friendlier, and talk to different people so that they can see that the rumours are actually wrong.

If they still believe the popular girl after that and just ignore your effort, still, don’t give up. There are people who believe in rumours, but there are also people who don’t believe in rumours. The latter kind of people are precious gems out there, but you just have to be patient about it. And from your story, I think A, B, and C are very nice for being your friends instead of believing the popular girl and thinking that you’re a know-it-all.

People should know that what others say never defines us.

- About your lunch break:

It is great that you actually can see things from her point of view and think that she has good intentions, which is trying to make you talk to the boys. But, again, if you think it is too difficult to mingle with the boys, you should politely tell her that you’re uncomfortable with it.

I know you said that the boys are obnoxious, and I’m not siding with them here, but if you’re willing to, maybe you should give them a chance and try to be civil with them. Maybe they’re not as obnoxious as you think they are. Your BFF would not let A, B, and C leave to come to you, so it might be worth a shot. If you still can’t stand them, you can just ignore the boys and have fun with A, B, and C.

I know you are afraid to spread your wings and fly, but I think the best thing you can do is meet new people. It is never too late to make new friends. There is no time constraint when you’re making friends. Take me as an example. For the five years I had been at my old school, I was only friends with people from my class. I was afraid to make new friends because I was not really a friendly person. I only started making new friends the last few months before I graduated when I decided to change and be friendlier.

Whatever happens, don’t give up, and keep on trying to see the positives in everything. You still have a long journey ahead of you. Think of this situation right now as a way for life to teach you to become stronger.

I hope this helps, and I really wish you the best of luck, because having friend troubles is honestly a very big issue to have. Please, don’t be afraid to contact us again if this problem persists.

With love,

The Advice Team Column