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For the first time ever, the Luxberg Gazette was more than three pages long. Pictures of the lake, the woods and Courtney's graduation picture cover the front page. The woods and lake were taped off, no one could go out there. The mood in town was solemn. People acted as though they knew her, and Jackson. Even his picture was in the paper describing the nights events and his allergic reaction. I'm not sure who spoke to the papers, but the information was fairly accurate. Leave it to a small town to know every detail to something that they didn't even witness.

They had no leads. Just a lot of bagged evidence. The woods and water were probably the worst place for this to happen. It was windy, open, and it had since rained. Plus there was not just Courtney's blood in those woods. Jax, my dad and I were all cut up by the time we got to the clearing. The entire case was a mess. Basically, the Luxberg Welcome sign told us everything, there were now 499 suspects in the murder of Courtney Marie Parker.

It had been a week and every day felt worse than the last. I wanted to call my best friend and talk to her, I couldn't. Instead I would call her number and listen to her spunky attitude via voicemail. That was the way I would always remember her voice. But now when I pictured her, all I could think of was her covered in muddy water and blood. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't even sleep without dreaming about that night.

My dad probably took it the worst. I had seen cases get to him before. Typically when someone young died he would come home quiet, needing his space. But he knew Courtney, he tried so hard to get her back and he couldn't do it. I heard him break down to my mom, completely losing it, telling her that it could have been me and he would have never been able to live with himself.

Jax and I had not spoken since the hospital. He needed time, I wasn't going to push him. Part of me knew I wasn't ready to talk to him about that night either. Talking about her hurt; it would be so much worse for him.

"Almost ready?"

I peer up to my dad who is standing in the doorway to my bedroom. It's odd to see him in a suit. He looks nice, but he also looks completely drained. His gray hair sticks out now above his ears more than it ever did before, he has a slight stubble to match. Dark circles matching my own have formed around his tired eyes. I'm not sure which one of us has cried more this last week. Today will be no exception.

"No." My voice buckles. My hands shake as I use them to smooth out my black dress. "Dad is this going to be..."

"It's closed casket."

I give him a nod and stare down at my black ballerina flats. "I don't know if I can do this."

He walks into my room and sits beside me on the edge of my bed, taking my shaking hand into his own.

"If we get there and you need to turn around, you just say the word Gabs. No one is forcing this on you. People will understand your reason. You've been through a lot."

"Okay." I try and suppress my tears.

"I'm sure it will mean a lot to Sue and Larry if you're there. They walked over here yesterday to make sure you were okay."

"They are such good people. They don't deserve this. No one does. Was Jax with them?"

He squints his eyes towards me in confusion. "No he was at the hospital that day. Have you not talked to him?"

Worry fills me. I suddenly regret giving him space to process this. Did he do something stupid? I know he's depressed but would he try something? Complete panic consumes me. "No, why was he back at the hospital?!"

He holds up his hand and lowers it gently. "Calm down. He's fine. He had another anaphylactic episode. He's not sure what he touched, possibly his clothing from that night. He had an EpiPen and used it as soon as he felt the tightness. They kept him overnight as a precaution. His body has been through a lot this week."

I nod again, wiping the tears from my eyes and let out a deeply inhaled breath. "I'm trying to give him space. He will talk to me when he's ready."

"I'm ready" a shakey voice occurs from my doorway. My dad and I both turn towards it. Jax stands perfectly still, his jaw clenched and quivering. His eyes are just as bloodshot as they were the night at the hospital. He stands in black dress pants and a black button up shirt, his sleeves are down his time, hiding his tattoos. "Is it okay that I'm here Dan? Mrs. Brooks let me in..."

"It's fine Jackson." My dad gives him a nod. Dad stands from the bed, gives Jax a pat on his shoulder and leaves the room.

Jax's hand runs down the length of his jaw as he looks to me. I'm not sure what I can tell him to make him feel any better. I know there's nothing anyone can tell me to make it better for me. We lost someone amazing, someone irreplaceable.

"I'm sorry I haven't called you, Books."

My head shakes as I look down to my feet. "Don't apologize for that. I've been a mess too. I get it, the wanting to be alone to process what happened."

"But what happened Gabby?" He steps forward and completely falls apart. His chest heaves as he attempts to hold back his crying. "One minute she was there and fine. The next minute she was screaming. Why was she even in the woods?"

"I don't know Jax..." My own tears fall. "You know I can't answer that. She didn't even know those woods like you and I. I've never seen her go in there."

He sits beside me on the bed and buries his face info his hands. "She was alive Gabby. We heard her. I should have taken the road. I wouldn't have hit the bushes. How did we not come across the person who did it?"

I rub his back as I sniffle. "Jax we can't do what-ifs. It won't bring her back. We just need to try and remember everything she told us leading up to that night..."

"I want her back." He sobs, still keeping his face in his hands.

I scoot over in my bed and then clutch the side of his face with my palm, bringing him so that his head lies on my lap. I rub his arm as he lets it out, all the hurt, all the pain, all the anger. As much as this is killing me, this needs to happen. He needs to talk to someone and I want that person to continue to be me.

My dad and Sydney stand in the doorway. My dad frowns and taps his watch, silently letting me know that it's time for the wake.

"We will meet you there. We'll take my car."

"Okay" he nods and they leave the hallway.

"Fuck" Jax mutters as he presses his thumb and his pointer finger to the corners of his eyes. He sits back up and looks down at my feet. "What the fuck are those?"

I wiggle my feet out in front of us to show him. "Flats? Sydney let me borrow them to match my dress."

He bends over and pulls them off my feet. "Court would only want you there in your chucks." For the first time in a week I feel myself attempt to smile. He sets his forehead against my temple as I nod my head yes. He kisses my cheek and then stands, grabs my black converse from beside my desk and hands them to me.

"Thank you" I mumble and slip into the shoes. They already make me feel a little better, more comfortable.

My family is gone by the time we get downstairs. I drive Jax to the funeral home, which is about thirty miles outside of town. He's silent the entire drive and I know to keep quiet as he prepares himself for this day. I just keep my hand in his, every so often giving it a squeeze which he returns.

We separate once we get there. I stay with my family outside for a bit while Jax and his family have their alone time. My dad's arm wraps around my shoulders as he pulls me in for a little hug. He's been doing this a lot this week. I don't mind one bit.

"Is he okay?" he whispers to me. He's obviously referring to what he saw in my bedroom. Hard ass Jackson Parker sobbing on my lap.

I look up to him and shake my head no. "But can you blame him?"

"I'm worried about his depression getting out of hand, he's blaming himself. If he tells you anything that seems off, you tell me okay? We have people he can talk to." My dad's eyes stay firmly to mine. He's honestly worried about Jax.

"Okay" I nod. He gives another tug on my shoulders making me feel a little better about that exchange. But I know I feel even more worried about Jax now.

We are the first group into the building but there are lots of people behind us, people from town that I recognize. Nosy assholes, they didn't even know her. I already feel a change in my breathing just entering the room. I'm not prepared to see a casket, even if it is closed, my friend is in it.

Typically, or at least every wake I've been to, there is a long line of family members. This is not the case today. There is just Mr. and Mrs. Parker and Jax next to the coffin. Mrs. Parker is hysterical, holding tissues to her face and sobbing into her hands. Courtney's dad looks overly medicated, as if they gave him something to keep him calm. He's not showing any emotion, just standing beside his wife with his hand on her shoulder for comfort. Then there's Jax. He's sitting on a stool, elbows to his knees, chin wresting on top of clutched hands. He's staring at the ground with a clenched jaw.

Fuck I'm not ready for this. I'm going to lose it.

I swallow hard and decide I'm going to bolt through the line as quickly as possible. No one is ahead of me, my family is behind me. I just need to get up that casket, have my moment with my best friend and get out so I can breathe again.

What the hell do I even say to Jax? To any of them? Especially Jax.

"Keep moving Gabs there's a shit load of people behind us." Felix nudges my arm and I can't help but to glare at him.

I hold up my pointer finger to his face, "Do NOT fucking rush me right now." The bitterness in my voice does not go unnoticed. He steps back and swallows hard, giving me a nod.

I turn back to the Parker family and slowly walk towards them. I stop in front of Jax and his eyes finally leave the patterned carpet and up to me. All words fail me. My mouth opens multiple times to speak but closes immediately. Nothing I say will be right. Nothing I say will make him not hurt. He just gives me a nod, both of us knowing that we are thinking the exact same thing; no words are necessary.

A cold hand grips mine and pulls me further up the line and suddenly I realize Mrs. Parker has her grip on me. Her sniffles shake her voice as she speaks. "You okay, honey?"

She's asking me if I'm okay? Her daughter is gone and she's asking me if I'm doing okay. I lose it. Right here, first in line, in front of everyone.

"No." I sob and cover my face. I know I'm not going to make it to that casket. I can't do it. That means she's really gone. My friend is gone.

Her arms wrap around me tight and she rubs my back to comfort me. "You stay up here with us. She would have wanted that. You're family Gabby-girl, okay? We know you tried."

Jax grips my elbow and pulls me away from his mom and back towards him, wrapping his arms around me tight. "She's right" he whispers in my ear. "Stay up here with us."

I nod my head yes into his chest as he gives me a quick kiss on my forehead. He stands from his stool and pats it for me to take his spot as he stands beside his mom. He keeps one hand on my lower back as the line begins to move past us. His parents know nothing of our relationship, just that we are close friends, that I confide in him. They are so upset they don't even seem to notice that he kisses my hair whenever he starts to choke up.

After a few hours the line begins to thin out a bit. There are larger gaps in time between people giving their sympathies.

"I need a break..." Jax mutters. "I can't sit next to her casket anymore without taking a breather."

I give his leg a squeeze and agree. "I'm starving and I need to pee."

He hovers over his mom and whispers to her, she agrees with whatever he told her. Then he takes my lower back with his hand again and ushers us to a room upstairs. The large bright room is filled with tables of food ranging from sandwiches, cookies, veggie and fruit trays, even popped kettle corn which I eye immediately.

"Jesus, there's enough food to feed an army..." He nods agreeing with me and takes a turkey sandwich for himself. Then I bring myself to ask something I wanted to ask all day. "Jax why is it just you three down there? Where's your family?"

He devours his sandwich and slaps his hands together to release the crumbs, shaking his head. "We don't have any." He swallows the healthy portion of bread that remained in his mouth. "Our grandparents have all passed in the last few years, my dad is an only child and my mom had one brother who died of pancreatic cancer at like thirty. He never married or had kids. It's just us."

I say nothing more about it, but I find it incredibly sad. No grandparents, no aunts, uncles or cousins. Just their little family of four, which now has one less.

I take a handful of the popped kettlecorn and hold my hand out to Jax. "All yours." He holds up his hand and forces a smile. "It's kind of an odd thing to have at a wake."

"I thought the same thing when I saw it." I give a shrug of my shoulders and toss the pieces into my mouth. "I'm not arguing it." I finish the handful of popped goodness and place the lid back on the container. "I seriously need to pee. You should make your mom and dad a plate. They need to eat, I'm sure they are starving."

I begin my way to the bathroom when I feel him grab my wrist and pull me back a little. I turn and his eyes find mine. "I knew you were upset Gabby but I didn't know you were this upset, I've watched you break down at least four times since you got here. You don't have to put on the brave face for me, okay?"

I give him a nod with tears splashing from my eyes. "I can't get it out of my head. Seeing her. It's all I see when I sleep..."

He frowns and pulls me into a hug. "Don't keep that shit from me. You need to talk to someone, I'm that someone. Just like I'll talk to you."

I pull back and wipe my eyes, agreeing. He places his palm on my jaw, rubbing over cheek gently with his thumb before placing a quick soft kiss on my lips. "I love you Books. I don't know what the fuck I would have done without you next to me today."

"I love you too Alfie." I pull back from him a little, "but seriously, I need to pee."

I let go of him and bolt to the bathrooms that I saw on the other side of the hallway. Once I'm in the ladies room I take my time, crying again, fixing my hair that is partially matted to my neck from crying, finally relieving my bladder. I return to the room of food that's now vacant, figuring Jax likely also had to pee.

I wait ten minutes but he doesn't return, so I walk back to the viewing room to his parents. He's not here either.

"Have you seen Jax?" I look around the room of people, asking his parents. People are getting off work now, so it's getting busy again. They both shake their heads no. Now I begin to worry. Where the hell did he go? Quickly I move myself back up the stairs, back to the room with the food. Nothing. No sign of him.

"Jax?" I call out. Again, nothing. A loud thud comes from across the hall, causing me entire body to jump. "JAX!" I hit the men's room door with my palm. "You in there?"

Muffled sounds come from the other side of the door. Fuck it. I push my way into the men's room and instantly find him. He's on the ground, just like he was the night of Courtney's attack, his feet press firmly down on the ground while he lifts his chest into the air. His arms clawing at his throat to catch a breath, face swollen.

"JAX!" I throw myself to his feet, eyes flooding. "Where's your pen?! Where is it?!" He can't speak, not a word or a motion that will help me find it.

I run to the banister and begin screaming at the top of my lungs. "SOMEONE CALL 911!"