EVAN SMITH

Chaos.

If I could describe the state of my mind and heart in one word, this would be it. I know another word that would help anyone understand how I feel right now – miserable. But somehow, I am extremely calm on the outside, which again brings me back to how chaotic my entire body feels. It's a state of mind I have not felt familiar with in a long time, unless I am in her presence.

"Uncle Ev!"

I look down at the little girl tugging at my pants, with one end of the ribbon of her dress in her mouth. She seems to be chewing on it like a candy and I smile at the sight.

"Yes, honey?" I kneel down to her height, as much as my body allows because she's just a four-year-old. I tug away the ribbon from her mouth and she passes me a sheepish smile.

"Dada." She points in a certain direction and I follow her finger, only for it to land on my brother, who's already staring at me, a little pissed.

"He's a little dramatic, isn't he?" I poke her nose and she giggles, nodding.

Sawyer makes his way to us and I stand up straight to match his height. It's clear from his face that he's about to break into a lecture.

"Save it." I mutter through gritted teeth, my voice low because I don't want to distress my niece.

Thankfully, Jordan joins us just that moment. But the look he shoots my way, I immediately regret my gratitude. He's about to open his mouth when Penny tugs on his pants just like she did with me a minute ago.

"Yes, sweets?" He looks down at his daughter.

"Can I go play?" She looks up through her honey-doe eyes.

"Stay with Matt, okay?" He tells her and she nods before running off. As soon as Penny leaves, he turns to me. "What the fuck?"

His voice is slightly high, making me flinch because my head is throbbing, "Don't shout."

"Good, he has a hangover. He deserves it." He snaps at Sawyer, somehow holding him responsible for my actions. "Get yourself together, Evan."

To be honest, I'm annoyed as hell with everyone ordering me around since the moment I opened my eyes this morning. Normally, I would just shake my head at Jordan and walk away, but my sour mood gets the best of me.

"Or else what?"

He looks disappointed, both him and Sawyer. "Trust me, you would regret ruining her day. It's not about you, man!"

His words touch the wound that's too fresh, too delicate for a taste of salt he just sprinkled on it. I try not to physically flinch from his words. But the way Sawyer is looking at me, I know I grimaced instinctively.

Jordan leaves me alone with my brother. Suddenly, I am given the pity look which only annoys me further. I want to find the bar because that's the only thing that can help me right now but Jordan's words have left an impact — just like he wished it would.

"Evan!" I hear Paula's panicked voice. She comes to stand in front of me and smacks my shoulder. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Ow, woman!" I wince. "Easy!"

"No, if anything, I should've slapped you on the face. You had everyone worried. What kind of a man of honour are you if you missed the rehearsal dinner?"

A chaotic miserable one, if I have to answer honestly. But I just offer her an apologetic smile.

"The team held me back for some last-minute meeting, I couldn't make it back in time." I shrug, and Sawyer just shoots me a look at how smoothly I just lied.

I can lie to everyone else, but I know exactly when I will struggle the most, or with whom.

"Oh, honey. You have to strike a balance with your work." She offers me a sympathetic look, buying my lie. "Well, she has been asking for you. So, better get on those bridesman duties."

I offer her a smile, hoping that she would leave me alone before I have to actually get to those duties. Don't get me wrong – I like Paula. But it's a known fact that the woman tends to exaggerate everything. I'm sure people have wondered about my presence, but I know no one has been worried about my absence.

When some of the guests catch her attention, Paula rushes to greet them. But my brother doesn't leave me alone.

"So, what kind of a man of honour are you?" He asks, his voice devoid of any taunting.

If I have to really be honest – I did myself and everyone else a favour by missing the rehearsal dinner. I don't want to live through the memory twice – one time is good enough and I am not even completely prepared for that.

"As good as they come, Saw." I shrug. "So, what did I miss last night?"

He shoots up an eyebrow, surprised that I am asking the details, "Nothing much, just some drinks, funny memories down the lane and how beautiful Adrianna looked. She kept asking about you."

The last part makes my heart feel heavier than it already does. I hate that she asked me about me, or that she made me her man of honour alongside Breanna, who is obviously the maid of honour. For once, I want to disappear from her life. But I know that's just the pain talking.

The larger, bigger part of me is smacking myself in the head right now for missing such an important part of her life. And the same part is quite giddy about the fact that she missed me.

"I think I'm gonna go find her," I tell my brother and he nods, patting me on the back.

It doesn't take me more than five minutes to find myself outside of a door that's supposed to be a bridal room. It has a very descriptive sign on a piece of paper taped outside which makes it very obvious that Adrianna is inside.

Jay, stay tf out, or I'll have you by your balls tonight. and not in a good way.

I knock on the door, hearing some rustling on the other side of the door. I twist the doorknob and peek inside to find Adrianna, Luke, Breanna, Will and Daniel.

"Oh, look, he isn't dead," Will remarks sarcastically.

"Yet," Adrianna adds, glaring at me.

But I don't care. I don't care that she's glaring at me. All I can do is stare at her. I didn't know it was possible, but her wedding dress makes her look even more beautiful than she is. The dress isn't anything extravaganza, it's just a simple column dress, fitting her perfectly and her hair are up in a low bun. She looks beautiful. She is beautiful.

"Hi."

My voice comes out in a whisper and from the corner of my eye, I see William shake his head. He's an asshole, but he's her brother and they both care about each other so I tolerate his presence nonetheless.

"We're going to go see the arrangements," Breanna says, pulling Luke and William along with her.

All of them offer me pity smiles, including Daniel who pats me lightly on the back on his way out. Adrianna still hasn't stopped glaring at me but it has slightly softened. I step further into the room, hesitant about her reaction.

"How mad are you?"

"Enough to fire you from being the man of honour and letting William take your place."

I grin at that, "You wouldn't."

"Don't challenge me, Ev." She lets out an exasperated breath. "Where the hell have you been? And don't give me that 'I had a meeting' crap. I know better than that."

I let out a small smile, "You do know better than that, don't you?"

She processes my words, sighing. "Evan."

"No, An." I shake my head. "This isn't about me, you know? You look so gorgeous, I almost forgot how ugly you look without make-up."

She laughs, rushing to swat my chest. "I missed you yesterday."

I did too. But I don't tell her that, like a lot of other things I have held myself back from telling her.

"Am I still giving a toast today?" I ask, twisting the conversation around.

"Of course, nothing embarrassing about me though. Chris, on the other hand, you can roast all you want."

There's something about her smile today, it just seems...

"You're really happy, aren't you?" I cock my head to the side, reading her face.

If possible, she grins wider, "Yeah, I really am."

A huge part of me is relieved that I haven't ruined her day. But a small part of me is breaking apart. Over the years I've tried to prepare myself for this day, but right now as I stare at her, I know no amount of mental preparation could've been enough.

"You deserve it, An. Every bit of it." I step forward and wrap my arms around her without giving a care about her dress and make-up.

When instead of pushing me back, she hugs me, I let out a sigh. There's so much I wish to say to her, things I wish I had said ten years back but there's a reason I didn't say it back then and there's a reason I'm never going to say it.

There's a slight knock on the door and I pull away from her. Scott enters the room, his eyes turning teary the moment he looks at her. I know how proud he is of her, he never misses a chance to boast about it, but today's a big day for him too – to see his daughter getting married.

"Hi, Dad."

"You look stunning, sweetheart," he tells her and I couldn't agree more. "Not looking so bad yourself, Cyp."

I roll my eyes, smiling at him. I am wearing a blue tuxedo, similar to Jordan's. They wanted to include so many people in the wedding but it wasn't possible. Because it's a very small wedding to begin with, and second, it made sense for them to only include their best friends. I know she wanted to include William and Daniel, even Luke but it wasn't possible.

Matt is the ring-bearer, Penny the flower girl and Scott is walking her down the aisle.

"Hey," Cassandra joins us.

She takes one look at her daughter and tears up, just like Scott a second ago.

"Oh, mom! Please, everyone stop crying or else I will cry." She moves to comfort her mother.

"Just overwhelmed, hon." She kisses her forehead. "Everyone's ready and waiting. Time to walk down the aisle."

I look at Adrianna, gauging her reaction but she doesn't seem nervous at all. If anything, she seems impatient. She's radiating happiness today, and I couldn't have asked for more. Her happiness is all that matters to me.

Breanna enters the room with the bouquet, handing it to her, "Geez, I'm so excited for you!"

"Thanks, Bri." She grins before turning to me. "See you on the other side?"

"See you on the other side." I kiss her cheek lightly before moving out of the room with Breanna.

With every step I take away from her, my heart feels heavier and lighter all at the same time. My best friend is getting married, but so is my An.

"You're doing the right thing, you know?" Breanna tells me when we're out of the earshot.

"What?"

"Not saying anything to her."

I scowl at her, "About what?"

"Ev, we know. Everyone knows, including Chris. I think somewhere deep down, so does she, but she just doesn't want to look back at what she has left behind, where it rightfully belongs, in the past."

I don't have a response. I would like to believe that I have done an amazing job hiding my feelings from the past decade. If Chris knows how I feel, he's a bigger man than I ever could be. He respects my bond with her too much to ever utter a word out of his mouth about it. But I think he understands.

When Breanna and I walk down the aisle and move to stand the opposite of Chris and Jordan, who each pass us a nod, I know he understands. I know it because I see the way he smiles at me, without any trace of hard feelings. We left that in the past. I know it because even though I'm the man of honour, he's the only one who deserves to watch her in awe as she walks down the aisle.

The moment Adrianna steps down the aisle, my heart almost explodes from the hurt. This is it.

I love her. I always have. I always will.

But once upon a time she was in love with me and I couldn't love her back for the right reasons, so I had to do right by her. With each step she takes forward, I feel my heart making peace with the love I will always hold for her deep inside my heart.

There's a lot of pain in there too, reminding me of the evening I let go of her the first time. The evening she realised as well, that even though we might seem perfect on paper, we weren't right for each other. Over the years, I have made my peace with the fact that she doesn't belong to me. She's in love with another man who rightfully deserves her. If he didn't, I would've swooped in long ago. But God knows they are made for each other.

My feelings for Adrianna started out of selfish reasons, and that's why I knew why I never deserved her in the first place. But today, seeing her recite her wedding vows, to be a witness of her tying her life with Chris, I truly let go of her from my heart.

Is she the love of my life? Probably. But once upon a time, I was the love of her life too, until I wasn't. As much as that breaks my heart, it also gives me hope. Hope about second chances.

"You may kiss the bride." I hear the reverend say.

As Chris leans down to kiss her, I see how smitten he is. Breanna gives my hand a little squeeze and I take a deep breath, accepting Adrianna as not just my best friend anymore, but also someone's wife.

"And for anyone who thought we wouldn't make it, suck it, bitches!" She shouts to the guests, showing off her ring, making everyone laugh.

But she's kidding because we all knew they were going to stick by each other's side.

It's an hour later that I find myself amidst the reception party, dancing with everyone all at once. The most surprising part is that I am sober as hell, but having a good time.

"Evan!" I turn around to find Chris and Adrianna.

"Hey, guys."

"Dude, where the hell were you yesterday?" Chris asks, sounding genuinely pissed. "How has she forgiven you?"

"Because I'm too charming, Chris. You know how that works." I wink at him and he laughs, shaking his head at me.

"Where's your drink?" Adrianna asks before pushing her champagne glass into my hand. "Isn't this amazing? Jacob really pulled off the venue last minute."

I look around the place, it's a simple yet elegant wedding venue just outside of Parkland High. If it weren't for everyone's help, they couldn't have pulled off the wedding at a week's notice. They surely had a better chance at eloping. But knowing Adrianna, she would've made everyone elope with her.

"It's beautiful," I tell her and she smiles. "I'm so happy for you guys."

"Thanks, Ev!" She turns to Chris, "Babe, I need a drink."

Chris is about to leave her side to go get her one when I volunteer, "Hey, I'll go get myself another one. You take this back."

"Sure?" Chris confirms and I nod, moving away from the dancing floor.

I need to get some air anyway. I find myself in the garden where the ceremony was held in the open space. It's still decorated beautifully, with some of the guests lounging outside. I'm watching the sky when I feel someone's presence beside me.

A girl I've seen around a couple of times seems to be struggling with her lighter. She hardly seems to notice my presence until I clear my throat.

"May I?" I ask, offering to help and she passes me the lighter, the cigarette still hanging between her plump lips.

She's about to mumble a thanks when I keep the lighter in my pocket and go back to gazing at the beautiful sky. She lets out an annoyed grumble, "Can I have that back?"

"I don't think so." I narrow my eyes at her.

"Why the hell not?"

She has an Australian accent. I turn towards her, giving my full attention this time, "First, this is my best friend's wedding, I'd rather not risk you putting the venue on fire. Second, I don't think smoking's allowed. Third, even if it is, I don't care, you can't smoke here."

"What an asshole." She mutters under her breath.

"I heard that."

"You were supposed to." She offers me a bitchy smile.

"Ava!" I hear a familiar voice and turn around to find Daniel. He seems to be staring at the girl with relief. "There you are, I've been searching for you everywhere!"

"She's with you?" I ask and he nods.

"I see you two have met. Ava, this is Evan, Adrianna's best friend. And Evan, this is Ava, my best friend and plus one."

I cock my head to the side to finally look at Ava. She's about five inches shorter than me even in her heels, and her blonde hair seems to compliment her dusky skin. All in all, she's super hot but I'm immediately reminded of the fact that she was just smoking and that's a huge turn-off.

"C'mon, let's go dance." She pulls Daniel by the sleeve, rushing him inside and I laugh.

I look up at the sky. Whatever misery and chaos haunted my mind seems to be finally at calm. I take a deep breath, pulling out the lighter and stare at it. A.S. initials are imprinted on it, my finger tracing the ingrained letters. I don't know what's in the store for me anymore, but I can just hope that it's not another decade of loneliness and pain.

•••

a sneak peek into Evan's mind. over the last couple of years so many of you have asked me about Evan and to write his story. i never plan on writing it, but doing a little justice by writing this chapter. hope it helps y'all make peace with his character.

there are v few details about all the other characters including Chris and An, because i wanted to focus on Evan only. hope that makes sense.

lots of love. xo