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"okay so what's your favorite color, movie, drink, sport?" parker asks nat again. "light blue, sixteen candles, raspberry iced tea and definitely volleyball." she says, ha i got them all right.

"okay guys the pizza is here!" riley sings while putting two pizza boxes down on one of the logs. rileys backyard was so nice, we always hung out in the back while gossiping, roasting marshmallows with her fire pit and just hanging out.

i miss those days. now we're in her backyard getting to know her soon to be boyfriend.

riley sits next to parker but he sits her on his lap instead. she starts to laugh and they tickle each other and act all cute. really? do they really have to do this? in front of me.

parker didn't do all of that with me.

i can feel myself about to cry. it sucks being second best. it sucks to be led on. i look up trying to contain myself. i feel like shit to be honest. now i'm starting to get self-conscious.

was i not good enough?

am i not pretty enough?

am i not skinny enough?

i just want to know where i went wrong. maybe i was too easy.

"i'm going to use the bathroom." i give it my all to look okay just to breakdown the second i faced the other way from them. it was a silent breakdown until i actually got inside the bathroom. i looked in the mirror, watching the tears fall down my face. i throw my glasses off and i sit on the edge of the bathtub. i try my hardest to calm down but all i can think of is how much i suck and how much life sucks right now.

i tuck my hair behind my ears as i cry. a few seconds later natalie comes in, locks the door and hugs me like she knew exactly what was going on. "natalie i'm trying so hard," i squeeze her tightly. i cry uncontrollably. "i tried to act like everything was okay. it's not okay. it hurts... it hurts to see them together. what the fuck is going on?" i cry my heart out.

this feeling absolutely sucks. natalie just caresses my back. "i know babe. i don't want you thinking the worst about yourself, i know you are. don't think you're second best or anything like that." she lets go and stares at me. "then why doesn't he want me?"

natalie hugs me again. i bet she doesn't even know what to say. "bri please stop crying. your eyes are going to be red when you go back out there." she lets go again. "i can't go back out there. i should've stayed at masons tryouts."

mason...

"just tell them you had a family emergency, they'll understand." i force myself to calm down. "okay." i look in the mirror and dry my face. i look like a whole mess. "ready?" she asks putting my glasses back on me. i just nod.

natalie unlocks the door and holds my hand. we walk back outside and i start to walk towards my car. "hey bri has a family emergency, she has to go home." natalie explains and i look over to them. his eyes are the first to meet me. i look away immediately and i get into my car.

asshole.

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"baby what's wrong?" my mom asks after knocking on my door and coming in anyways. i don't answer. i'm laying in my bed faced the other way. i've been staring at the wall ever since i got home. there's been too many things going on recently.

i feel her sit on my bed, she puts her hand on my leg. "i don't want to talk about it." i barely make out.

"can you at least give me a hint?" she asks concerned. i don't answer right away. "if i think about it i might cry all over again." i say. she rubs my leg. i need a break from boys. or maybe just parker and riley.

"okay i'll leave you alone." she reaches over me and kisses my forehead. i might as well just go to sleep. "i love you."

when she leaves i close my eyes.

✰✰

when i wake up it's three in the morning.

i watched random youtube videos until my alarm clock went off. i get up and walk over to my closet. i sighed. "why even bother? it's not like i have anyone to impress." i say as i look at my clothes. i grab noahs yellow hoodie and my black ripped jeans then i throw it on my bed.

i throw the clothes on and fix my bun to make it look a little cuter. i really didn't care anymore. i slipped on my converse, grabbed my bag and headed downstairs. i saw my dad in the kitchen again. "good morning bear." he says making my whole morning. "morning dad." i stay on the last step.

"rough morning?" he says frowning. "you have no idea." i finally walk over to him. "want a protein smoothie to make it better?" he smiles and i stick my tongue out. "that would make it even worse." i laugh. i look at my phone. i need to leave for school. "hey bear, can we hang out after school? i don't know maybe get lunch? there's something i want to talk to you about." he said. i look at him suspiciously.

"is it bad? i can't take anymore bad news." i walk to the door. "it depends how you take it." he walks over to me. "ugh." i groan. "have a good day sweetheart." he kisses me on the cheek. "you too."

✰✰

i kept to myself all day until mason walked up to me on my way to lunch. "hey bri." he catches my attention. "hey." i look behind him at the soccer table. josh stares at me. i act like i don't even notice.

"want to walk and talk?" he offers. i smile a little. "i would love that actually. i really don't want to go to the table." i put my hands in my pocket. why the fuck is it so cold? sometimes i hate washington.

"why not?" we start walking the opposite way of the table. "i kind of want to be alone. you don't count though." i stare straight. he doesn't say anything. "what do you want to talk about?" he says making me bust out in laughter. "i don't know you're the one that wanted to walk and talk." he laughs with me.

"true... okay then... do you want to hang out with me this weekend?" he asks and my eyebrows rise. "a little forward today aren't we." i say with an accent. "shut up." he playfully pushes me. "i'd love to." i smile at him.