"Hey, hey move," I push through the large crowd congregating in the hallway.

"Niall," I shout, spotting his bleach blonde head of hair in the mass of people. "What's going on?"

"Dunno, everyone is in a frenzy."

buzzing like some heat maddened fly

I'm in trouble, I think. Everyone knows. They know about Zayn and I. I start sweating profusely, beads of sweat collecting at my temple.

Then I see a flicker of fiery red hair out the corner of my eye.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Are my eyes deceiving me or are people staring daggers? Are they whispering about me? How could they know?

I told the lads but surely they didn't tell anyone. Maybe someone saw us together. I warned Zayn that we needed to be careful...Sam. If she knew she'd exploit us immediately. The bitch probably told the whole school.

"Ed," I say breathlessly. "What in the hell is the meaning of this?"

"You don't know?"

I shake my head confused, blurting out words. "Fuck," I tug at my curls.

I'm in so much trouble. I could get expelled. He probably lost his job. Oh god. My stomach wrenches and I nearly hurl, my legs wobbling.

He steadies me, his eyes searching mine. "Harry, what are you to Zayn?"

Everything. He's my everything. I've never loved someone so fully. I'm his and he's mine.

"I...we're nothing I swear," I spit out.

The bitter lies keep sputtering out. "I don't know what is happening right now. Frankly, I don't care. I have my own problems."

Lies. Lies. Fucking lies. Of course I care. My heart is pounding so loud I can't think straight. I can barely breathe and he knows.

He knows.

I clutch onto him, a sudden wave of dizziness washing over me.

"Harry," his voice is muffled.

There's a ringing in my ears that won't stop. The outline of his face blurs as a tightness grows in my chest, like someone tied a rope around it and is pulling it tauntly, restricting my breathing.

His lips are moving, forming words that sound like silence. He waves his hand frantically in front of my face and everything is spinning.

All the faces, the walls, my heart.

Spinning like a carousel.

And I'm unbelievably dizzy.

First spin on a Ferris Wheel dizzy. Trying to dance after three beers dizzy

I see spots of color. Blobs that are actually backpacks, moving squares that are just the floor tiles and blaring lights that usually seemed so dim.

And then everything goes black.

...

"Are you hungry H?" Niall munches on a bag of crisps as Louis and Liam whisper, Liam's hand placed comfortingly over his boyfriend's knee.

"You need some water Harry." Lou hands me a bottled water which I chug down, my throat feeling as dry and arid as the desert.

"Am I in trouble?"

Liam knits his brows together. "Why would you be in trouble for passing out?"

"No," I say hoarsely. "The thing with Mr. Malik."

"You didn't give him the pills, did you Harry? Were you together last night? I thought you were home. If you were at his place that changes everything."

Now it's my turn to furrow my brows in confusion. Pills?

"Liam," I say exasperated. "What are you talking about?"

"The opioids in his system."

"W-what," I stammer.

"He was hospitalized Harry. You were running late today but I figured you already knew, considering how close you two are."

"Why? Why would h-he do that?"

"Has he been unhappy lately?"

I thought he was fine. We just talked about this, he told me it was all in the past. He assured me he was okay, that he had me and I was his medicine.

It doesn't make sense. His mum is recovering, our bond was growing stronger, his job is going fine. Am I missing something?

Think Harry.

It would explain his weight loss but when did this start happening? Was he taking the pills the whole time?

He lied to me.

He lied to make me feel better.

He lied and shattered my heart and I don't have the energy to pick up the pieces. I don't want to fight it.

So I just cry. Cry until my eyes are raw and my nose is cherry red.

Sobs that rack my body, that rattle me to the core. Tears that make Niall drop his food and pull me into his arms.

Tears that fill my chest like waves, making my heart drift.

Tears and tears and unspoken fears.

I should have gotten in the car with him. We should have bickered over radio stations and recited poetry. We should have fought about smoking as he lit up a cigarette. We should have laughed and smiled and shared secrets. We should have finally agreed on a song, singing it at the top of our lungs. We should have had food on the couch and watched sappy movies. We should have cuddled under blankets. We should have slept together, limbs entangled, fingers entwined.

I should have been there, rummaging through his medicine cabinet, disposing of pill boxes. I should have kissed him.

His kisses are my drug.

I should have told him again for good measure I love you.

I've told him countless times but it's never enough.

I can't make him happy but I try.

I try so fucking hard.

sepia tones

and salty

tears

i just want

to say

that i

love you

with a love

so strong

it could

move

mountains

and part

the sea

"I'm going," I hiccup. "To visit him and nobody is going to stop me."

...

"Family only, sorry."

"Dammit, I am family," I growl.

Willa comes out of the room, her face haggard and eyes puffy.

"Harry, baby," she exclaims and draws me into her arms.

The doctor gives a knowing look but Trisha's tone is assertive and her words persuasive. "You will let him see my son, if it's the last thing you do."

His body stiffens and he clears his throat nervously.

"Yes ma'am."

My heart thuds in my chest as she clutches onto my hand and opens the door.

It's too sterile. It smells like lemon cleaner and the stark white walls are too bright. I squint my eyes and let them adjust.

They land on the the figure laying on the crumpled linen sheets. He looks so pale my breath hitches.

"Zayn," my voice cracks.

I can't get any sound out, I just choke on the words jumbled up in my throat. My fingers brush back his feather-like quiff, stroking his forehead.

"I'm sorry I wasn't enough."

"Harry, you're all he ever talks about. He loves you. I have no doubts about that. You are enough."

"Why," I exhale shakily.

"I don't know honey. I thought he was getting better. I don't understand."

Why is none of this adding up?

The bed moves slightly and my heart nearly pounds out of his chest as his eyelids pry open.

"Harry?"

His body quivers as he sits up.

"You lied to me," I spit my words out like venom.

"Harry please," he pleads. "Don't be this way."

"No," my body trembles. "You told me you stopped. You said you were better."

I try to fight the warm tears brimming my eyes but can't keep them at bay.

"Babe, don't cry."

"Do you love me Zayn?"

"Of course I do."

He knows what's coming when I ask "why did you do it? Everyone knows you overdosed on drugs. You could have died Zayn!"

"I'm aware."

"I thought everyone knew about our relationship. I was so worried, then my mates told me you were in the fucking hospital! That's even worse."

"Harry, I took the dosage my doctor told me to, honest to God."

"I don't believe you."

He grabs for my hand. "I swear I-"

"You took the right dosage," I crane my head to see the doctor writing something on a clipboard. "But you neglected to inform your doctor that you were also taking antidepressants."

"What was he taking?"

"Oxycodone. He had a prescription but you shouldn't take it in conjunction with antidepressants or sleeping pills."

"Zayn," I say softly. "I didn't know you were on antidepressants."

"Your heartbeat was dangerously slow, that's why you had a seizure."

"A seizure?"

"Mr. Malik," the doctor brushes my concern aside. "You've had drug abuse problems in the past. Am I correct?"

"Yes. I was ad-taking Adderall."

"Oxycodone is highly habit conforming. It's easy to become addicted. Make sure you only take the amount listed on the label. Don't crush or inject the medicine and do not take it with anything else."

When he leaves it's eerily silent, the silence hanging thickly and heavily in the air, nearly choking me.

"I told you I didn't overdose babe."

He traces circles on my hand and I release a breath.

"I'm sorry, I figured-"

"I love you, okay? If I was unhappy I would tell you but I'm not. I promise. You're all I need."

He presses his forehead to mine, the pads of his thumbs collecting my teardrops.

"I don't want to lose you."

"You won't. I promise."