"How are you going to get to school today?"

I groan and flip over, snuggling under the covers.

"I'm not going."

He chuckles and ruffles my hair. "Yes you are sweetheart."

"I'm sick," I cough. This makes him laugh harder, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

He tugs at my toes which makes me giggle. His eyes are bright, his smile cheery as he tickles the balls of my feet.

"Haaaarrryyy," he sings. "I made pancakes."

My ears perk and I shoot out of bed, my feet landing on the cold hardwood floor. I shiver and he saunters over to his dresser, giving me an oversized hoodie. I tug it on, inhaling the scent that lingers on it. Sweet like warm vanilla sugar, with just a touch of musk. I take another whiff, getting a faint trail of cigarette smoke. My nose nuzzles into the soft fabric and he sighs contently before pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth.

"The pancakes are going to get cold babe."

I pull on some joggers and trail behind him into the kitchen.

"They're chocolate chip," I skip around excitedly and he rolls his eyes.

"I'm starting to think you don't need sugar this early."

"Noooo," I whine. "Give me all the sugar."

I pour on a bunch of syrup and squirt a pile of whipped cream.

"How old are you, seven?"

"Yes," I reply as I take a bite. "But I'm not the one wearing Batman underwear."

His face flushes and he grabs the whipped cream can, spraying it on my nose. I sit stunned for a moment, my ass glued to the chair.

"I had a lot of sugar too. Bring it on."

I dip my fingers in the syrup, slipping them into his mouth. He moans around them, his tongue darting between the spaces.

It's too early for this but I don't care. My fingers pull out with a pop, our lips locking in place. His mouth tastes like hazelnut coffee.

I add chocolate and whipped cream to the mix as our tongues swirl.

When our lips disconnect I gasp for air, my hands clutching the corner of the kitchen table.

"Who's going to school?" He tilts his head, smirking.

"Me," I exhale.

"Good boy." He pats the top of my head and the rapid strumming of my heart starts to slow.

...

Giver

i gave you

bursts of

vivid color

but you

were

colorblind

i made

sweet music

to grace

your ears

but you

blocked

my sound

Punctuation

i became

quotation

marks

inverted

and

upside down

clinging

to words

that

were not

mine,

hanging

onto

ideas

that

were not

my own

you were

an exclamation

mark

bold and proud

i envied you

and tried

to please you

but we

were just

too different

sometimes

falling

on

a

d i f f e r e n t

page

Read Me

tell me

someone

cares enough

to pick

me up

off the shelf

pages torn

spine worn

and dusty

you found

me

called me

well loved

but i'm

just tattered

your gentle

fingers

flicked

through

every page

your tears

staining

the crinkled

paper,

your pen

marking

my passages

annotating

my margins

and bookmarking

the deepest

parts of me,

where i used to

collect dust

Words

if blades

can cut

through skin

the words

she spoke

to me

were surely

sharp enough

to kill

Sex

when

my body

hangs

lifelessly

from

a rope

maybe

she'll

understand

just how

much

i felt

when

our bodies

touched;

limp

and

exhausted

ready

for

r

e

l

e

a

s

e

Sprout

we planted

a seed

in our

garden

but

never

watered it

Mess

sleeping

with you

because

my bed

is cold

and i

like the warmth

your body

provides

Alcohol

i like

setting

fire

to my insides

and letting

scotch

trickle

into

my mouth

and I like

letting

vodka burn

the back

as it goes

down the back

of my throat

Drugs

i coughed

when i

took

my first

hit

it made

my eyes

water

but i

thought

i was cool

Boyhood

i

never

reached

for

the

s

t

a

r

s

i just

strained

my thumbs

playing

mindless

video games

and pretended

to be

someone

i wasn't,

slipping

my hands

up

under skirts

I scribble away until the bell rings, my pen scratching across my paper. His knuckles rap lightly on my desk and I glance up.

"Are you going to stay in here all day?"

"No, I just-"

My brain falters, all logical explanations soaring out the window. How do I tell him I was pouring my heart onto pages of in spiral notebook?

I don't have to because he picks it up and I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Sex," his voice cracks. "I don't like that one. Do you still feel that way?"

I shake my head silently as his hand reaches for mine, pulling my sleeves back.

"Why did I never notice these scars Harry? I feel so damn stupid."

"It's nothing Zayn."

"Are you nothing? I don't think so."

His thumbs trace over the faded marks on my wrist. They're so faint I'm not surprised he just now discovered them.

"That was a long time ago."

my heart

has scars

that aren't

so easily

visible

"Talk to me babe."

I press the heels of my hands to my eyelids, groaning. He moves my hands, peppering kisses all over my face.

"I love you."

I smile back reassuringly, the words coming from the bottom of my heart, "I love you too."

...

"I've never seen you wear a headband. You look really tired."

"Well thanks," he jokes.

I pull him closer to me, my hand slipping around his waist. He's so skinny I can't help but notice.

"Zayn," I say softly.

"Yeah?"

"Are you eating? You've lost weight."

"Of course love," he offers a little smile and I let myself relax. He pecks my lips and it's enough to bring me temporary comfort.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I turn the key in the lock and he waves goodbye.

My heart sinks, fear suddenly overcoming me. We won't even be apart long but it feels so wrong. I want to be near him. I'm afraid he'll suddenly disappear.

"Tomorrow," he confirms with a grin. "Read pages 86-93."

I laugh promising that I will and he gets in his car, peeling out of the driveway.

"Hey mum," I greet her with a kiss.

"Harry, where were you last night?"

"Niall's," I spurt out. "He ate way too much food as usual, played video games until my thumbs felt numb. I didn't mean to fall asleep but I was exhausted."

I might be a horrible person.

"That's okay baby, you just need to tell me these things. I worry. I thought you were at a pub or some wild party you kids throw."

"I'm almost nineteen."

"You're growing up too fast." I sigh as she kisses my forehead.

I fold some clean clothes while she pulls some food out of the oven.

"I'll do the dishes tonight to make it up to you."

She laughs telling me I should always do the dishes.

I should do a lot of things that I don't.

You just never know.