"Babe, are you still awake?" Beb.

"Yeah," I whisper. "I can't fall asleep. We need to go to bed though. It's late." I kiss his forehead and he lets out an exasperated sigh.

"I have nightmares. I'm fucking twenty-four Harry, it's pathetic."

"Hey," I murmur. "It's okay. Want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head, his teeth digging into his bottom lip.

"I love you." My finger traces his lip, grazing over the indentions his teeth made. "Your lip is going to bleed Zayn."

And I kiss him softly, our lips barely touching. They're just skimming, reveling in the beautiful idea that they were made to be together. My tongue darts out, capturing his sweet taste, feeling the texture of his lip and the dip of his cupid's bow.

I try to savor the kiss, my tounge trailing over his when his mouth parts for me. My fingers get lost in his soft watermelon seed hair.

When our lips disconnect our eyes meet and tell a story.

His soft honey colored irises say I love you too

The whites of his eyes say trust me, I want to tell you

His black pupils send a more ominous message. I'm afraid you won't want to know what haunts me at night

My emerald eyes echo back it's okay to be scared, I won't make you tell me

The whites of my eyes say but if you want to you can, you know I would never hurt you

And the little black dots say I have secrets too

He blinks slowly, his long lashes fluttering and everything has changed.

Let's spill our secrets in the solace of the dark. Skin touching skin, hearts beating as one, shedding light on the darkest parts of our souls, casting out demons.

So my eyes reply I'll go first.

"I'm not sure if I was using Sam or she was using me but I didn't care. We just mindlessly fucked."

"Harry-"

"No Zayn, I wanted to feel something but I was just numb. I thought getting drunk in stranger's houses and body shots would make me feel alive. Stupid games of spin the bottle and never have I ever but it didn't do it for me. God, I didn't even care about your class...such a fucking loser."

"Hey, don't talk that way," his fingers brush through the tangles in my curls. "My dad was extremely unnerved when I told him I was gay and I wanted his acceptance. I was really depressed so Mason and I fooled around a lot and got into drugs. We were just doing things for the thrill. I was addicted to Adderall," he admits.

"Did you just take it for fun or to treat something?"

"ADHD," he sighs. "I've never told anyone about this but it felt so euphoric and it increased my sex drive so I didn't think anything of it. Then I got into other drugs and things spiraled out of control. I was always paranoid and I started having hallucinations. Mason threatened to leave so I suffered from insomnia and my appetite decreased so I lost a lot of weight."

"You're blaming yourself for Mason cheating on you?"

"I don't know Harry," he groans. "Maybe."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

"No, hell no. Don't be worried about that babe," he strokes my cheek so I let the absurd thought slip from my mind. "I just made a lot of mistakes when we were dating."

"That isn't an excuse for him to cheat. He should have helped you. I would do anything for you. He just abandoned you when you needed him most."

That's what people do, my mind chides. But my heart doesn't listen.

"Then I guess he never truly loved me and it was for the better."

he's too

full of life

to be half loved

being with

a boy

who couldn't

find beauty

in the ugliest

parts of him

was just

an exquisite

form

of self

destruction

the medicine

was just

a crutch

to help him

stand

on bitter lies

and broken

promises

thoughts

can be

as dangerous

as blades,

words

as potent

as poison

warm sheets

and unfeeling

lips,

cold smoke

seeping

out of

colder throats

lie to me

again

he asked

to which

he replied

"i love you"

please

help me;

fix me,

he begged

i'm broken.

where

are you

going

so late

at night

when

my vision

is blurred

with tears

and my

mind

is blank

"nowhere"

"i love you"

"i love-"

please,

he pleaded

these pills

are

my only friend

you hate me

everyone

hates me

the world

hates me

it's malevolent,

mocking

my pain

and laughing

out of

spite

hot tears

and trashing

on the bed,

this isn't love

he yelled

this isn't life

he screamed

but he didn't

listen

nobody

ever

listens

"Tell me about lyrics from your favorite songs and why you're closer to your mum than your dad. Tell me about pages in books you have dog-eared and their well worn spines. Tell me anything. Tell me everything. Just please let me be the one," I breathe.

"You are."

I'm delirious, my head spinning as he leans in, brushing hair out of my face, his lips capturing mine.

Opium.

So addictive my heart is thudding loud, pounding in my eardrums and my mind is hazy. A rush courses through my veins like I'm being injected. My cheeks grow warm; my skin flushing.

stealing

me away

with his eyes,

his mouth,

staring at me

with

the lights out

i was

kissing strangers

in the night

just to feel

something

just to feel

something

t o u c h

m e

t h e r e

oooohhh

ooohhh

oohhh

ohh

op

opi

opiu

opium

just to feel something

i don't need it

i don't need

i don't

just to feel something

"Harry," he moans into my mouth, warm air hitting the back of my throat.

"When you are so broken and he has left you, do not question whether you were enough, the problem was you were so enough he was not able to carry it."

"Rupi Kaur," he licks his lips and presses his forehead to mine. "You know, I used to bite my tongue and torch my dreams."

I give him a confused look and he chuckles, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Now you bite my tongue and you are my dream."