The holiday season was a mix of heartbreaking, bittersweet, and love filled. It was beyond difficult missing our family, but the kids and I are starting new traditions (not that they remembered the old ones, they're still too young) and we began the new year with a small party of the Holloways, all 5 of them, Turo, the kids and me. It was a small and highly energetic group, we celebrated Australian time, and when I had the kids tucked in and asleep by 9:30, the adults all sat around and enjoyed conversation for a few more hours.

When I finally got to bed, I took an inventory of my world. Things are good, great even. My job is awesome, the new house will be perfect when we move in. I totally feel like I have a handle on my mom job, I honestly feel like I'm mostly driving the train now, not just hanging on to it for dear life.

At work, Landon is a dream of a boss, he's helping bring my script into reality, he's even talking about optioning it himself. I can't even think of that, it is beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. The movies he's associated with are beyond good, from the initial story to the finished product, I just have to ignore that possibility and keep working.

Alex has been supersweet also. From helping find the house, to aiding in the move, and being a good office friend. I know that he's interested in more, but I am not. I'm not going to potentially compromise our work relationship, and honestly, I don't have those kind of feelings for him.

Sometimes, when I look at Tuck I see all of my childhood dreams coming true. And that scares the ever-loving life out of me. The sweet boy I grew up with and crushed on, that then morphed into the drug and party whore stranger, has now turned into the man who does his damn best to make the kids and my world happy and safe.

He is the perfect partner in raising the kids, he's here, he's involved, active in the best and worst parts of parenting. And surprisingly enough, he is no longer throwing his desire for more of a relationship in my face. I see that he still wants one, but true to his word he isn't pressuring me in the least. He is the sweet guy I've always known, but now he's still that guy, but one that I am totally scared to trust with my emotions.

I look at him and the kids and I swear I can't believe that we are here living this life now. I had completely given up on Tuck, I'd released any hope I would ever have a happily ever after with him. I mean, it's been years since I entertained any thought of having him in my life, in any kind of capacity.

When we lost my parents, Rach and Tyler, I honestly didn't even think about Tuck, not looking to him for support, not notifying him of the funeral, nothing. He'd been out of all of our lives for quite awhile, and during that time, he'd shown zero interest in any of us. Hell, he'd had only the barest minimal involvement in his own parents and brothers lives. But for whatever lucky star was out that night, he's come back to us. Back to his family and back to me.

Sometimes I close my eyes and just listen to Tuck and the kids, he is so sweet, kind, loving and attentive, taking care of us in a way I'd never dreamt was possible.

One of the things I always loved best about Tuck was his sense of humor. He's a silly goof off, teasing and laughing, always up for fun. I'm more serious and not a lot of fun, and he balances out my quieter side and brings out my fun side. The kids love him, and have even slipped a few times calling him Daddy. It both breaks my heart and fills it at the same time.

When we were young, I had always felt that we would be together, I'd crushed on him for so long, our friendship was so strong that quite frankly, I felt we were inevitable.

Then when we were apart, I truly believed that I'd had it all wrong, we weren't destined, we were only ever meant to be childhood friends who ultimately lost track of each other, and eventually, interest in the other.

Now I'm starting to wonder if we had to go through the loss of each other, and the years apart, in order to build the strength and appreciation for what the other person offers to us as individuals.

His humor and cocky confidence blend with my serious and quieter nature. Because together, we really seem to be a solid team, taking care of the kids, building up and repairing the broken parts that we all have. God, I'm so afraid of counting on him to be here for us, but then realistically, I think I'm already to that point. I depend on him, I look for him to help me, and without pause or thinking of it, I know he has my back and that he won't let me down.

But it's that last thought that makes me unsettled.

Will he let me down again? I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. I'm also fairly certain that in his heart and mind he's committed to us. But I think it's easier to carry out that commitment when he's not surrounded by temptation.

In the safety of our little home, his parents next-door, Kel and Mel nearby, he hasn't seemed to even miss the drugs, parties and girls. But what happens when he's back in the studio or on tour? According to Tuck himself, it took 1 concert, just a few hours at a party for him to fully dive into the crazy groupie, druggie lifestyle, and ultimately turn his back on all of us.

We won't always be in our safe and protected little cocoon, I've already been pulled to work in the LA office more often. I'll be in the office for at least the next 6 months, and Tuck needs to go in the studio and work on their new album that will be followed by a tour.

So there we will be, in LA, the epicenter of temptation and easy access to all that he has wanted or needed for the past 5 years. Groupies, drugs, parties, bars, easy sex and even easier oblivion. I'm not going to be near him at all times, I'll be working and he'll be on his own at the studio. We'll both be deeply involved in our own careers without the time to seek out or hang out with the other one for long stretches at a time.

The kids will be with me at the day care at my office, so he will have nothing of our home life together to fill his time, or remind him of us.

For the most part he'll be at the studio, for mostly 10 hour plus days. He and the band will be finishing up songs, working out arrangements, practicing and finally recording. I know that the studio time is expensive, important, and integral to not only recording the music, but also for creating the tone and the camaraderie that they want to come through in the music.

So usually the atmosphere in the studio is a strange hybrid of intense, and relaxed party groove, this is according to Kel, and obviously he'd know more about the process than I would. The bulk of the people there have something to do with the music, managers, agents, producers, arrangers, sometimes their friends who help out on a song or two. That pretty much sums up the professionals who will be there. Then there will be the fun people. The party buddies, the girls who like to hang with the musicians, groupies, f-buddies, realistically it's a collection of people who lighten the mood, and keep the atmosphere fun. I know that it can sometimes be a battle of wills, when the guys have opposing points on how a song should go, or even if a song should make it to the recording point at all.

Then add to all of that is the interpersonal issues that Tuck and his band mates have. It was only about a year ago when they were ready to kick Tuck out of the band. They're all working great together at the moment, but that's because everything is easy and fun. The time will come when they have a bad day, someone will be in a bad mood, or a trigger will have all the ugly that they've pushed down and it's going to blow like a fiery emotional volcano.

So getting down to the real fears I have, it's in this time when the kids and I will be at my office for the entire day and sometimes into the night, and Tuck will be at the studio for hours, sometimes days on end. My worries are that with all the party people who will be hanging around, most assuredly some of his f-buddies, I'm scared that he's going to slip back in to the Tuck of a year previous. Dive in hard to the party and drug scene, and then just leave the kids and me behind.

To say I'm a little insecure about this time apart doesn't even begin to describe how worried I am. If we were going to stay in our little bubble, sure I'd be completely confident. But we won't be anywhere near that bubble, we're going to be in the exact place his train went off the tracks.

This time though, it won't just be my heart that is broken, it will also be the kids. Like me, they've come to depend and count on Tuck, for all intents and purposes, he is their de facto father now. I know it probably puts an unfair amount of pressure on him, but he is the man who looked for us and then inserted himself into our lives. He is the man who keeps promising me that we are a forever thing. He's also the man who tells me I can trust him with our hearts. I want to trust him, I'd like nothing more than to blindly believe in all that he says he wants. But I'm not there right now, I don't know if I will ever be able to tell him good bye in the morning, knowing he's going to be surrounded by his past, and not worry that he will come through the door to us at the end of the day. And seriously, is that fair to him?

We haven't kissed or even slept together yet and he says that this is it. He says we're his present and his future, and that not only is his past over and never to happen again, but that he didn't even enjoy those times when he was living them. He says that he needed the haze of the drugs, sex and chaos to cover up the emptiness, loneliness and guilt that hit him when he was sober. How can he be so sure that all that is his past?

I'm definitely not riding on his confidence bus. Maybe because I've been burned before, or perhaps the timing is wrong and this has all just happened too quickly.

Whatever, I've already made up my mind to trust and move forward so I better stop listening to my doubts. I told him I would move forward, and that means trusting, believing and not having one foot out the door and an escape plan in my back pocket.

Looking at Tuck I see all of my childhood dreams coming true. And that scares the ever-loving life out of me. The sweet boy I grew up with and crushed on, that then morphed into the drug and party whore stranger, has now turned into the man who does his damn best to make the kids and my world happy and safe.

I look at him and the kids and I swear I can't believe that we are here living this life now. I had completely given up on Tuck, I'd released any hope I would ever have a happily ever after with him. I mean, it's been years since I entertained any thought of having him in my life.

When we lost my parents, Rach and Tyler, I honestly didn't even think about Tuck, not looking to him for support, not notifying him of the funeral, nothing. He'd been out of all of our lives for quite awhile, and during that time, he'd shown zero interest in any of us. Hell, he'd had only the barest minimal involvement in his own parents and brothers lives. But for whatever lucky star was out that night, he's come back to us. Back to his family and back to me.

SometSometimes I close my eyes and just listen to Tuck and the kids, he is so sweet, kind, loving and attentive, taking care of us in a way I'd never dreamt was possible.

One of the things I always loved best about Tuck was his sense of humor. He's a silly goof off, teasing and laughing, always up for fun. I'm more serious and not a lot of fun, and he balances out my quieter side and brings out my fun side. The kids love him, and have even slipped a few times calling him Daddy. It both breaks my heart and fills it at the same time.

When we were young, I had always felt that we would be together, I'd crushed on him for so long, our friendship was so strong that quite frankly, I felt we were inevitable.

Then when we were apart, I truly believed that I'd had it all wrong, we weren't destined, we were only ever meant to be childhood friends who ultimately lost track of each other, and interest in the other.

Now I'm starting to wonder if we had to go through the loss of each other, and the years apart, in order to build the strength and appreciation for what the other person offers to us as individuals.

His humor and cocky confidence blend with my serious and quieter nature. Because together, we really seem to be a solid team, taking care of the kids, building up and repairing the broken parts that we all have. God, I'm so afraid of counting on him to be here for us, but then realistically, I think I'm already to that point. I depend on him, I look for him to help me, and without pause or thinking of it, I know he has my back and that he won't let me down.

But it's that last thought that makes me unsettled.

Will he let me down again? I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. I'm also fairly certain that in his heart and mind he's committed to us. But I think it's easier to carry out that commitment when he's not surrounded by temptation.

In the safety of our little home, his parents next-door, Kel and Mel nearby, he hasn't seemed to even miss the drugs, parties and girls. But what happens when he's back in the studio or on tour? According to Tuck himself, it took 1 concert, just a few hours for him to fully dive into the groupie and party lifestyle, and ultimately turn his back on all of us.

We won't always be in our safe and protected little cocoon, I'm already being pulled into LA to work on some scripts. I'm supposed to be there for a few months, and Tuck needs to go in and work on their new album that will be followed by a tour.

So there we will be, in LA, the epicenter of temptation and easy access to all that he has wanted or needed for the past 5 years. Groupies, drugs, parties, bars, easy sex and even easier oblivion. I'm not going to be near him at all times, I'll be working and he'll be on his own at the studio. We'll both be deeply involved in our own careers without the time to seek out or hang out with the other one for long stretches at a time.

The kids will be with me at the day care at my office, so he will have nothing of our home life together to fill his time, or remind him of us.

For the most part he'll be at the studio, for mostly 10 hour plus days. He and the band will be finishing up songs, working out arrangements, practicing and finally recording. I know that the studio time is expensive, important, and integral to not only recording the music, but also for creating the tone and the camaraderie that they want to come through in the music.

So usually the atmosphere in the studio is a strange hybrid of intense, and relaxed party groove. The bulk of the people there have something to do with the music, managers, agents, producers, arrangers, sometimes their friends who help out on a song or two. That pretty much sums up the professionals who will be there. Then there will be the fun people. The party buddies, the girls who like to hang with the musicians, groupies, f-buddies, realistically it's a collection of people who lighten the mood, and keep the atmosphere fun. I know that it can sometimes be a battle of wills, when the guys have opposing points on how a song should go, or even if a song should make it to the recording point at all.

Then add to all of that is the interpersonal issues that Tuck and his band mates have. It wasn't even 6 months ago when they were ready to kick Tuck out of the band. They're all working great together at the moment, but that's because everything is easy and fun. The time will come when they have a bad day, someone will be in a bad mood, or a trigger will have all the ugly that they've pushed down and it's going to blow like a fiery emotional volcano.

So getting down to the real fears I have, it's in this time when the kids and I will be at my office for the entire day and sometimes into the night, and Tuck will be at the studio for hours, sometimes days on end. My worries are that with all the party people who will be hanging around, most assuredly some of his f-buddies, I'm scared that he's going to slip back in to the Tuck of 6 months ago. Dive in hard to the party and drug scene, and then just leave the kids and me behind.

To say I'm a little insecure about this time apart doesn't even begin to describe how worried I am. If we were going to stay in our little bubble, sure I'd be completely confident. But we won't be anywhere near that bubble, we're going to be in the exact place his train went off the tracks.

This time though, it won't just be my heart that is broken, it will also be the kids. Like me, they've comcome to depend and count on Tuck, for all intents and purposes, he is their de facto father now. I know it probably puts an unfair amount of pressure on him, but he is the man who looked for us and then inserted himself into our lives. He is the man who keeps promising me that we are a forever thing. He's also the man who tells me I can trust him with our hearts. I want to trust him, I'd like nothing more than to blindly believe in all that he says he wants. But I'm not there right now, I don't know if I will ever be able to kiss him good bye in the morning, knowing he's going to be surrounded by his past, and not worry that he will come through the door to us at the end of the day. And seriously, is that fair to him?

We haven't even slept together yet and he says that this is it. He says we're his present and his future, and that not only is his past over and never to happen again, but that he didn't even enjoy those times when he was living them. He says that he needed the haze of the drugs, sex and chaos to cover up the emptiness, loneliness and guilt that hit him when he was sober. How can he be so sure?

I'm definitely not riding on his confidence bus. Maybe because I've been burned before, or perhaps the timing is wrong and this has all just happened too quickly.

Whatever, I've already made up my mind to trust and move forward so I better stop listening to my doubts. I told him I would move forward, and that means trusting, believing and not having one foot out the door and an escape plan in my back pocket.