I am definitely not ready for this conversation. I've been trying to put it off for weeks, Tuck wants to "talk it out, purge it the fuck away". I don't think I can do it, I've really tried to have this conversation with him, but every freakin time I shut down. I've moved past the hurt, and I mean I was really and truly hurt back then. I don't want to reopen those wounds, it took me years to get past and heal from his ghosting from my life. I didn't just skip over the pain, I lived it, I felt it, and then I healed from it. I keep telling him I don't want to go there, but he is not listening to me, he's totally forcing this issue. I don't know if he's ready to open this emotional box of pain, he has no idea what might come out. Jeez, I have no idea, the more I worry about this conversation tonight, the angrier I am growing. Why won't he just listen to me? He's taking all the carefully built control I have in me, and throwing it away, to satisfy his wants! Once again, he's just steam rolling right on over me, to get what he wants.

We tucked the kids in bed, kissed them, read them stories, and then walked down stairs to see his parents waiting for us in the living room. It seems that they're aware of the upcoming conversation, his mom is looking at me with kindness, while his dad looks pretty irritated with Tucker.

Tuck tries to take my hand in his as we walk to the car but I shake it off, he opens my door, and then he takes me in his arms, holding me close.

"Sky, I know you are mad at me for making this conversation happen, but I swear I think we need to purge all this shit so we can start the rest of our lives with a clean slate." I close my eyes and shake my head, I am SO frustrated with him right now.

"No Tuck, I don't think we need to deal with this! I dealt with it years ago, it freaking hurt then and it's going to hurt now! I know you're sorry, you've shown me in a thousand different ways! You've also shown me in a million more ways how committed you are to friendship with the kids and me, can't we just leave the past where it belongs, in the past?" I look up at him, pleading with him to see how important it is for me to not go through this painful crap again.

"I love you Sky, I always have and I always will, but I fucked up so royally, and you paid the price all by yourself. I think that as much as you've healed from it all, you still need to let me know and fucking throw it in my face, make me deal with your pain."

Hugging him tightly against my body, I sigh deeply, then I push away from him, so I'm standing a few feet away, and I whisper out my deepest worry.

"I'm afraid that opening all this back up again, that I'm not going to be able to forgive you again. I don't want to go back to that sad place again, it hurt, and I did things I don't want to remember or share."

"Baby, we will share everything, because there isn't anything in this whole fuckin world that will keep me from loving you. Nothing will ever keep us apart again, not even my asshole fuck ups. Love you baby, now lets get on our way so we can burn the fuckin past!"

Sitting in my seat, I turn and grab the seat belt, taking a deep breath I snap the lock closed and look over at Tuck.

"Its an ugly box of hurt and pain, you're never going to look at me the same again. But this is all on you Tuck, I've told you I disagree with this, and you're forcing me to do it."

"I know baby, but I've talked to my counselor about this quite a bit, and Ike thinks that we need to acknowledge past hurts in order to release them."

"Jeez Tuck, I hate it when you do your shrink-speak." I pout and turn to face the window. Tuck takes my hand in his, squeezing softly, this makes me both irritated and comforted at the same time.

"Sky, I would walk over fire for our family, real flames or emotional ones, I need to do everything in my power to make sure we're strong and ready for our future."

I look down at our hands, my smaller one wrapped in his large, calloused and tattooed one. Closing my eyes, I concentrate on the feel of his hand, I try to focus in on what his touch means to me. I realize that I'm filled not only with dread about the upcoming conversation, but also confidence and a kind of peace. Looking up from our hands to his face, I see his absolute, resolute belief in what he is doing for us. I know in my heart that he's doing this so we can grow and heal.

"Ok Tuck, I believe in you, I trust you. We'll do this, and then we'll leave it behind us, ok? But when I say I'll leave it behind, it's with the understanding that we aren't a couple. We never were, and there is way too much water under the bridge for us to ever be a couple. I really missed our friendship, and that's what I'm working toward. You have to acknowledge and accept this Tucker."

I see a rush of tears in his eyes, and he's working hard at keeping them inside, not letting them flow down his cheeks. He is so strong, and I know in my heart that I'm right to believe in him.

"Thanks baby, you have no idea how much it means to me to have you say that you trust me, thank you so much, I won't let you down ever again." He brings my hand up to his cheek, and softly rubs it along side his chin, then gently brushes it over his lips as he kisses my fingers and palm.

I completely relax into the back of my seat, melt into the feeling in my heart, letting it course through my body, I also noticed that he did not acknowledge that I said I'm working towards friendship. He's going to be disappointed when he realizes that's all I'm offering him.

We're sitting in Ikes office, the first time I was in this office was when I got back from rehab, I was still totally estranged from my family, hadn't spoken to Sky in years, our families were in crisis from losing Skys parents and brother. I won't say I'm happy or excited to be here for this conversation, but I am kind of relieved that we are actually gonna get down to the ugly of the shit that I pulled, it will all be out there, and then hopefully we can release it.

Ike smiles at both of us, greeting us and leading us into the office.

"I know the two of you don't necessarily agree with this conversation, but Sky, think of it as an opportunity to rid yourself of some of the latent anger and unwanted feelings. Tucker has agreed that he wants to hear your perspective, he's only aware of his, and that is pretty limited due to the drugs and alcohol."

"I'm definitely not on board with this Ike, but I'm here, so I'll participate." Sky is holding on to her self control, but just barely.

"I don't know how you want to start Tuck, you're the one who is pulling for this conversation, so, why don't you begin?" Ike suggests in his cool and calm Doctor voice.

"Before we begin, I'm going to let you guys talk, I'm in the back ground if you feel like you need help or backup, or if I think things are veering off course. Tucker, why don't you begin." Ike leans back in his chair.

"I know you're mad baby, so I'll start. Whenever you want to say something, break in, this is about you, and getting to confront me on the shit I put you through. I may not remember everything, but I need to know it, hear it from you, your point of view, from your heart, ok?"

"I"m not your baby Tucker, never was, not now, won't be in the future. Be careful what you wish for Tuck, you're driving this f-ed up resolution train." Even when she's glaring daggers at me, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

"I know we never talked about it before I left, but I always felt that we would be together Sky. I knew that I loved you and that you loved me, we were best friends and we'd end up married with a family. When I left on tour that first time, I swear I never planned on doing the shit I did. I thought I'd party and drink with the guys, not fuck and dope around. Everything changed the night of my first concert. I ran off the stage so fucking pumped, I can't explain how fucking excited I was, I headed off to call you and tell you about it when I saw the guys, we threw back some shots, then more shots, then I was fast on my way to drunk when all these naked chicks were surrounding us. People were fucking all around me, girls blowing guys, girls with girls, I was wired from the concert, drunk from the shots when some girls started on me and I just went along with it. I was fucking horny from watching the orgy around me, then this girl gave me some X and all of a sudden I was flying, I felt this intense hot surge of sex in my blood. I joined in, fucked more and more till I passed out. I woke up the next morning and I felt so guilty I fucking barfed in my bed, didn't even make it to the bathroom. As soon as I cleaned myself up I called you, you were so sweet and kind, worried about me and excited about the concert. I felt like a piece of shit, lying to you, not telling you the fucking mess I'd been a part of. But instead of cleaning up, I just kept at it. The guiltier I'd feel, the more I'd drink and drug to try and bury my guilt. I fucked whoever was around because I didn't fucking care about anything or anyone other than my dick and the escape of oblivion that I was looking for."

Gazing into her sweet face, I see the sadness and tears running down her cheeks, but I can't hold back, I need to get this all out.

"You're telling me because you felt guilty for lying to me, it's my fault that you went on your slutty drunk way?" Sky is fumes beside me.

"That's not what I'm saying, it's all my fault, all my choices, no one else. I stopped talking to you on the phone because I heard the change in your voice. By that time I knew that you'd seen the pictures or videos that had started coming out. I was ashamed and embarrassed so I would only text you, but even then, I could tell you'd pulled back from me. By the time you saw me at that concert, I was already so far gone, I was a fuckin lost cause even then. I thought I'd be able to keep you away from it, not let you see me get into shitty stuff, but I got wasted and you saw the whole shit show of my life. And that's what went on for the next couple of years. I pulled away from you, my family and the band. By the time your family died, I was just a fuckin shadow in my own life. Jake has been wanting to kick me out of the band for the past 2 years, Dom and Kell got on board last year. My playing was for shit, I hadn't written anything in a few years, and I was always late and high on stage, totally undependable. When Jake got me out of my house the day I found out about your family, he told me I was out of the band and they were all sick of my shit. When I found out that you'd lost everyone, and didn't even think to call me, fuck, I knew that was at the absolute rock bottom. Your world was in shreds, and the person I loved most in the world didn't need or want me or my help, because I had been gone so long, I wasn't even a thought in your head or heart anymore."

"So I was the person you loved most, the person you ghosted and ignored, the person who was just a drunken memory, I got that right Tucker?" Sky is watching me, an almost flat and unemotional look on her face, her eyes are watery and somewhat sad, but the rest of her face is like stone.

"I came back to you and for you, but also for me. I needed to be there for you, to help you and the kids, but I selfishly also wanted to have you back in my life. I missed you, missed being with you, but I also missed who I was with you. I used to be proud of myself, I liked that I was a talented musician, that I had a great family, and most of all, I had the love of a girl that I admired more than anything. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the shit show of the last 5 years. I swear to you that I'll never go down that fuckin dark rabbit hole again. I promise that you can trust me Sky." I reach out to hold her hands but she pulls back, sinking deep into the back of her chair, her hands knot together in her lap, her fingers twisting and kneading, stress and tension are rolling off of her.

Staring at her hands she sighs deeply a few times then looks up and meets my eyes.

"You're right, I figured out pretty quickly what you were up to on the road. The first night that you played there was some groupie video of you and a bunch of girls, I don't even know how many. I didn't watch very much of it, but I saw some of it, and there were a bunch of still pictures and gossip sites that were all talking about the hot new talented drummer for Clashed.

The next day at school, everyone was telling me about what they'd seen and read about you, most of it I'd already seen. Then some girls put together a list online, they called it "Who Fucked Tuck", they made sure I knew about it. Every time a new picture, video or interview came out mentioning your name, the list would grow. People thought it was funny to tease me about how you left me in the wind. How you'd moved on to the super hot models and actresses, how could I ever think that you'd want plain little me? But honestly, I thought, oh, he'll fool around for a bit, then he'll get it out of his system and come back to me, but let's be honest, I was just a 17 year old girl crushing on her former friend." At this point she's just looking at her hands, she kind of softly sighs shaking her head.

"But that's not how it played out is it? That concert sealed it for me, I saw up close and personal that you were way over me. I was truly in your past. It hurt, but truthfully, it was also kind of a relief. I stopped clinging on to the dream that you had feelings for me or felt anything about me. You stopped calling, you stopped texting, and basically you just evaporated out of my life, out of my world. So I pretended that I didn't miss you, that I didn't expect you to come back, that it was ok that you were gone. Eventually people began to forget that we'd been close, they stopped trying to force your pictures and videos into my face, and by the time I was in college, no one even knew that you and I had ever been friends. I'd still go to the concerts, see the guys, but I always avoided running into you. Kell and Jake made sure that I was never in your vicinity, and Jake and Dom also helped keep you away from me. There were a few close calls, but the guys were always around and they protected me."

Sky stands up and crosses to the other side of the room, and grabs an iced tea and a bottle of water off of the counter. Handing me the water, she sits back down in her seat then looks up at me, tears have now filled her eyes.

"Remember you forced this conversation Tucker, this is on you, I wanted to go on the way we have been, friends helping friends." She shakes her head and takes a deep breath.

"When I got to university, Ty had already met Rachel, but they were still just friends, not dating yet. Rach and I got really close and I used to hang out with her a bit along with some of her friends. I started dating, some nice guys, but no one I really connected with. Then I met a guy named Trent. He was funny, handsome, we knew all the same people, and we just kind of fit together. After about 4 months I was ready to let him in all the way, I loved him, I knew he loved me and I felt that I had moved on from you. You had quite obviously moved on from me, and I wasn't going to wait any longer for you to throw me any notice. It had been over a year since I'd last seen you, so I was happy to leave your friendship in the past, and I was confident I was ready to fall in love. "

I look at her, fuck, I knew she'd been in love with some lucky asshole but fuck it hurts like a bitch to hear about it. I try to smile, encouraging her to keep talking.

"Eww, stop making that weird face Tuck, you don't have to pretend you don't mind hearing my story. I didn't hide how I felt when you were talking."

"It fuckin hurts to hear it baby, I'm so sorry, I'm just listening to this, you had to see my shit all over the media. Fuck I'm so sorry!"

"Whatever Tuck, you wanted to talk, this is the crap that happened. After we'd been together about 6 months, Trent started to get really possessive, he was jealous, saying things that cut me down, wanted me to ditch my friends to hang with him and his friends. Then he'd be waiting for me after classes, following me home and at work. My friends and Rach started telling me that this was unhealthy, and in my heart I think I knew it was, but I didn't want to let go of the attention. In the beginning I liked that he wanted to be with me all the time, and that he missed me and worried about me. So I ignored Rach and everyone else, I just thought they were jealous. The first time that Trent slapped me he felt so guilty. I ..."

"What the fuck?? He hit you?? Why didn't you tell me??" I rush over to her pulling her up and into my arms, whispering in her ear and kissing her, trying to hold her as close as I possibly can.

Sky pushes back from me, shaking her head she snarls out,

"Tell you? Are you kidding me Tucker? You had been out of my life for almost two years at that point. Yeah I wanted my friend, the Tucker that used to care about me to help me. But that fucking Tucker was starring in his own homemade porn collection, that Tucker was too busy hanging with the model and actress of the moment. You, Tucker, were nowhere around, if I'd even called you I sincerely doubt you would have answered or called me back. So back to my ugly truth, the story you insisted that I tell you! Anyway, after the first time he slapped me, he apologized and promised it would never happen again. Things were fine for a few weeks, but then he thought I flirted with one of his friends and he hit me again. After that, it just went down hill really fast. I never went home because I didn't want my parents to see the bruises, I stopped hanging out with my friends because he'd go crazy jealous, I was just with him. Then Clashed was coming to LA in concert, and he knew that I was friends with Kell, so he insisted that we go. I was dreading the concert because I knew that Ty and Kell would see that something was up, but Trent wanted to go hang with rockers, he wanted to go to a back stage party and do all the shit that you were always in the papers for."

I shake my head because I know that if that tool wanted to experience that shit then he was already fucking around as well as beating on Sky. I've seen enough wannabes backstage to know their agenda.

"We got to the concert and everything was fine until Jake picked me up and gave me a kiss. He grabbed me on my bruised arms, I must have made a face because all of a sudden Jake was looking at my arms, at all the bruises I'd tried to cover up. He got security to hold Trent back and then he pulled me backstage to a small room and got Dom, Kell and Ty to join us. Jake made me show him my ribs that were all bruised and my back that had marks on it from where Trent had hit me with a belt a few days earlier. I was a mess, the guys were fuming, and it was an insane room full of anger and tears. Finally, Jake just wrapped his arms around me, held me softly and told me that they were going to take care of me and make it right. Help me get rid of Trent, and keep me safe. Security came in, then some police were called and we were told to meet them back at the hotel."