Ok, this is bizarre and strange, and I can't believe I'm even doing this, but damn it, I'm letting Tucker The Fucker sneak back into my life. I can pretend that I'm really in control of this new event, but honestly, I'm totally winging it. I am 100% not convinced that we can trust him, however, I am letting him try to prove that he can be there for the kids and me. Complete baby steps, and nothing that the kids are aware of. I'm not telling the kids that he is coming to dinner with Jase, or that he'll meet us at the ice cream store. They think it's a fun, surprise that he pops up at the park or somewhere else, like it's a total coincidence. I however, I know that these are prearranged meetings. I'm totally setting him up to fail, he knows it, Turo knows it, the Holloways all know it. I am in no way going to let him give the kids promises and then have him no-show and let them down. That wouldn't be his fault, it would be mine for letting a known liar and deceiver let down and disappoint my kids. That would be on me, so, I'm throwing around quite a few opportunities for him to fail. This doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me the steward of my kids emotional health. Sue me, I don't care, my priorities first and foremost are my kids.

The past several weeks we've been seeing more of Kell, Mel and Jase, along with Tucker. The band is in rehearsals for new recordings and with the option of a tour on the horizon. I know that the band is trying out how reliable Tucker is, there is no hidden agenda about it. He has to prove to them that he is a team player. So far, according to Kell, the guys are all pumped about the music he's turned in, along with the quality of his play. Good for him, good for them, good for everyone who cares about the jerk.

And unfortunately, I am now in the camp of people who care about the jerk. That equally ticks me off, and kind of excites me at the same time. I am no where near trusting the guy on a personal level, as noted above, I'm running him through the trust gauntlet. So far he has passed with flying colors.

I have to admit though, it's really nice having another person who knew my family, it's unbelievably wonderful to hear someone else who can share stories about my brother and parents, some info I never even knew about. It is very noticeable that the stories that Tuck shares pretty much stop at the time he went on tour, but that's ok. He has a different perspective, and different memories than I do, so the kids are learning things from him that they would never have learned from me.

So back to our life in LA. We're seeing various Holloways several times a week, since Kell is in the studio, we aren't living too far apart right now. The kids and I are in a really successful routine, we've figured out what works best, and now I'm a somewhat, just barely, confident mom. The only issue at hand is that I have to find a new rental for us, and that introduces the newest problem with Tucker.

It was nice that he offered, kind even, that being said, what kind of clueless idiot offers his former f-pad home to me and the kids? I mean, in any realm of reality, does he really think I want to sleep in a bed that hundreds have been in before? Let my kids play and sleep in rooms that god knows what went on it? When he offered the home to me at a pizza dinner with Kell and the family a few days ago, Kell and Mels faces looked completely stunned. Then Mel said "You mean you want to offer your sex party house, the house that had a 'no suits allowed' pool, to Sky and the kids?". Kell just told his brother he was an idiot. Tucker looked clueless and shocked at first, then embarrassed, then he tried to explain that he didn't mean to offend, but the three of us just looked at him, and waited for him to realize that he was and is a total idiot.

He eventually clued in that there was no salvaging that particular conversation and we moved on to other topics of more interest, like, effective sun blocks, and the best organic milk, in other words, anything was more interesting than his raunchy home.

But the conversation made me think, I really have to get a move on to find a good house for us, preferably one without a pool. I'm too nervous to have one, the kids can swim, but I would never call them 'water-safe', so I'm just going to avoid that potential hazard. Close to work would be great, and a nice back yard like this one has. We've started to amass quite a collection of outdoor toys, the kids enjoy them, and it wears them out, a win-win as far as I'm concerned.

Tuck also has mentioned several times about me joining him with his counselor Ike. I've met Ike, he's a really nice guy, and he's obviously been integral in Tucks ongoing sobriety. I'm dragging my heels on this though. I do understand that if Tuck and I are going to go forward with resurrecting our old friendship, that I'm going to have to acknowledge the crap that I had to deal with. Some of it is totally Tucks fault, some of it has nothing to do with him, but it's shit I lived through, so it's shit I probably need to share. My brother, Kell, Rach and Mel all know about it, I just prefer to leave it in the past. Stupid freaking past, stupid freaking Kell, stupid everything that's pissing me off.

Tonight I'm talking with Sky about making an appointment with Ike. I've been pushing her the past few weeks, but I really think it's time we get all our cards on the table. She has been unbelievably awesome with me, accepting me, letting me hang with her and the kids. She even talks to me about some of the stuff that stresses her out, I try to help her, but let's be real, I'm still trying to get myself in order.

I know that we'll be opening up a boxful of trouble with the conversation, but how can we go forward if we have that hanging over us all the time? She should get the opportunity to tell me how what I did affected her, how I hurt her and let her down. I think she is starting to see that I'm fuckin serious about sobriety and being a real person again, not just a walking scandal, but someone that can help and support her and the kids. I hope like fuck we'll end up being more than that, but if not, well, then I'm gonna be a fuckin great friend that helps her in this world.

But how the hell am I going to get her to see me differently if I keep doing shitty things like I did the other night? If I had thought through the idea of offering my house, I probably would have realized that it isn't close to being a safe house for the kids. It's got a pool, glass walls all over the place, huge open windows and the pool house out back is embarrassingly enough, basically just a bunch of beds and sex toys. Thank fuck she hasn't seen it, I don't know what she's heard about it, but obviously Mel and Kell knew it was a shitty idea, and now I know it too.

When I think about that house, it just kind of makes me sad. I bought it when I first started making money, I needed to invest in property, it's close to the recording studio we usually use, it had all the shit that sounded great at the time, pool, jacuzzi, fuckin amazing views. It really is a great house, but now, it just feels dirty. It represents a past I don't like to dwell on, and the person I was there, fuck, I didn't like that person then, and I sure as fuck don't want to be that person ever again.

When I think about it, really think I feel like I want to sell it. I don't want to rent it out, save it for later, or anything else my financial advisor thinks I should do. I just want to let it go, lessons learned, a part of my past that I've grown away from. I'm not ignoring what I did there, most of which I don't even remember, I just don't want to be surrounded with those memories. I want a new place, filled with fresh start potential, good people, and me being a better man. A house where I can have a relationship with Sky and the kids, where they can count on me, and trust that I'll be strong and dependable for them. I want a house for our family.

Fuck it. My minds made up, I'm selling the house and buying a new one, I'm fucking starting my future now.

First, I'm making an appointment with Ike, and I'm telling Sky that we're going, and she's gonna throw all my shit at me, and I'm gonna take it, apologize, hold her hand, and we'll go forward together.

Second, I'm selling the house. Then I'm getting Sky to help me find a new one, she may not be on board right away, but she's gonna help me find the house that's gonna be our family house. She and the kids can live in it now, instead of them wasting money on a rental, Turo and I will get another house near them. We'll be close, we'll be starting our new lives, I'm jumping on this shit now. Fuck, it feels good to be making plans for the future.