I am a firestorm of different conflicting emotions, a raging inferno of anger one moment, and feeling relaxed and easy the next. I do not understand why I'm feeling so angry with Tucker, he has been respecting all boundaries, not trying to push or force a conversation, or attempting to get me alone. I'm super pissed about this, why? Why am I angry he's not forcing his way into my world? Why am I angry that he's playing with the three kids, rolling around on the ground, enjoying himself, having fun and laughing? He isn't doing a single thing that I should be annoyed about, in fact he's doing quite a bit that I should appreciate. He's keeping the kids busy and engaged while I help cook and visit with Mel and Cora. 

The happiness on Brad and Coras faces, the way Kell and Mel are loving how Tuck interacts with the kids, this proves to me that he is going in the right direction. It shows that they trust where he is in his life right now, why does this make me angry?

Turo smiles at me from across the yard as I've been caught watching Tuck and the kids. As he walks over, I wonder if he's going to tell me I'm out of line for being angry, or maybe he's going to tell me to give Tuck a chance. I'm fidgety and irritated as I watch him approach.

"Hey Sky, it's nice seeing the kids playing, and when I say 'kids' I'm definitely including Tuck in that group." He smiles and laughs softly, I know he's trying to ease me into a conversation, and he's such a nice guy, I decide to make it easy on him, and just be honest.

"It's honestly something I never thought we'd see. Being in this house, with Tucker here, it totally throws me into a time warp. The last time that happened was the funeral, and before that, it was his going away party, I don't know if I'm ready for this." The words tumble from my lips, I'm not thinking before I speak, I'm just talking without a filter.

"That's to be expected, you don't know this man, you knew the boy, the kid you grew up with. Life changed both of you, neither of you are the kids that said good bye at that party. I didn't know Tucker the boy, and I didn't know Tucker under the influence. I only know the man I've met in the past 4 months. Just so we're clear here, Tucker gave the OK for me to talk a little about his world right now. I'm not going to share his personal journey, but he wanted you to know that I can answer anything you want to ask. I might decline, and tell you to go to the source, but he wanted you to know that he's an open book now. No secrets, he wants you to feel comfortable with him around." I can see why Tuck is successful right now, Turo has a calming way of putting out information, and letting you disect it and process it.

"Isn't this a breach of HIPPA laws, talking about Tucker?" I'm questioning because it seems like we're invading his privacy a bit.

"No, like I said, Tuck wants you to be able to ask about anything that concerns you, he gave me permission. But I'm also not going to go into what happened before I met him, and I'm. not going to go into deep detail about his present."

"Ok, I guess I'm surprised, and relieved that he's so healthy and happy, and I'm also surprised at how angry that makes me feel. He's obviously working hard at his sobriety, his family and the band are all happy with how he's doing. I'm happy, but I'm also angry. I know that is so wrong and unfair, and I totally don't understand it, but I'm being honest, I'm so mad at him." It feels good to vent, and it's also embarrassing at how rude I feel right now.

"I know it's not my place to say this, so I'm just gonna put it our there, and you can do with it what you wish. You probably have a lot of unresolved feelings with Tucker, from childhood best friends, to so really fucked up situations, and then nothing. You've never been able to talk to him about how you feel about it all. I know Brad and Cora, Mel and Kell have all done some therapy sessions, talk to them about it, get a feel if its something that would help resolve some of the anger you're talking about." Turo leans back against the house, and pats my back, giving me some comfort.

"Addiction doesn't just fuck up the addict, it messes with all the people that love the addict. It's fucking unfair, but, it's the unfortunate reality."

"Well, after this past year, I can honestly say that I am certainly familiar with an unfair reality." I look at him, knowing he can see the hurt in my eyes, I try to underplay it with a tone of sarcasm, but we all know, that sometimes life is f-ing unfair.

"Yeah girlie, I think more than anyone, you're familiar with that particular reality. And on that point, I'd like to commend you on how you've risen to the occasion. I didn't know you guys before, but looking at those kids, seeing how happy and content they are. That's on you Sky, you've done an amazing job, and I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, I know for a fact that everyone here sees what an amazing mom you've become." He smiles at me and squeezes my shoulder in his hand. Nodding his head over to where Tuck is playing with the kids, I glance over and see the man himself staring at us. He gives a head nod, and a smile, but continues to watch us.

"He knows that I was going to talk to you, he asked me to. I'm not ever going to break a confidence, but since he's asked, I'll comply with his request. This is a direct quote from Tucker, 'At some point in the hopefully near future, I'd really like to talk with you, have a frank and honest discussion, maybe talk about us having a friendship again'. I can see the hope in Tuckers eyes from across the yard, it makes me happy and angry all at the same time.

"I appreciate that, he's probably right, but I really don't want to hash out all that has gone on in the past. Can't we just appreciate where we are now, and go from there? After today, maybe I do want to see if my old friend is still inside him, I was adamant before that I would never trust him again. But I do miss my friend. And now that I think about it, it makes me angry and him and myself that I miss our friendship. Jeez, I'm a hot mess." This whole thing is stressing me out, I don't want to think about all the Tucker stuff. I have kept him out of the forefront of my thoughts for a very long time, years even, and it just takes an afternoon full of glimpses of the old Tucker to make me miss him.

"I don't know Turo, my priorities are the kids, and I can't add Tucker to the list of people I have to take care of and worry about, my plate is already very full." I tell him honestly, I feel a bit guilty, but that is my honest answer, I don't have much else to give to additional people right now.

"Tucker doesn't need you to worry about him, in fact, he wants to help you with your addmitedly very full plate. Don't worry about it now, don't make a decision, just think about it. Now, can you tell me when are the pies coming out? You've gotta taste mine, don't tell Tuck, but his is not that good." Turo laughs, then looks over at Tuck.

"Hey buddy, it's pie time! Let the games begin!" With that, everyone starts heading to the house for dessert.

It's way past the kids bedtime, they're starting to fall apart as we finish dessert. The full day, the excitement, the massive amounts of food they've eaten, has finally caught up with them. We're all sitting around the outdoor fireplace, I have Nellie in my lap, Colt and Jase are next to me, both are holding a truck in one hand and a cookie in the other. Looking across the fire, I catch Mels eye.

"I think I'm going to head home now, the three of us are beat. It's a good thing I packed some things to spend the night at the house, I don't think any of us would stay awake on the ride back to LA." I smile with relief that our beds are only about 100 feet away from us right now. Standing, I realize that Nellie has fallen asleep on my lap. Hoisting her up and on to my hip, I call for Colt.

"Come on Colt, lets head home, Nellie is already asleep, and I'm about ready to join her." I hold out my hand to Colt.

"Ok, but can we play with Jase tomorrow Mom, we're not done yet." Colt is such a sweet boy, and the twins love Jase, they all have a wonderful friendship.

"Of course you can play tomorrow Colt, we're staying at the house for a few more nights, you guys can play every day we're here." I smile down at him as he excitedly jumps off the couch.

"I'll help you Sky, come here Colt, give me your hand, and we'll carry some of the cookies and leftovers to the house, you guys can heat some of it up for lunch tomorrow." Tucker is next to me in a nano second, one of his big hands wrapped around Colts smaller hand. I walk into the kitchen to grab the leftovers that Cora has already boxed up for us.

"Here you go Sky, enough leftovers to feed you guys till you leave on Sunday, why don't you three wander over here tomorrow morning, before or after breakfast, whichever works best for you." Cora smiles, looking at me with love and understanding, and all of a sudden I get the most intense rush of pain, I really miss my mom right now. Cora looks at me with a gentle understanding, kisses my forehead and pats my cheek, a sad smile on her face.

"I'll carry it over mom, I'm helping her with the kids right now, I'll be back in a few." Tuck leans over, whispers something to his mom, and kisses her on the cheek, picks up Colt in his arms, and we walk out the door.

"Thank you for the help Tuck, but I can do it." I want to get back some of my rapidly depleting control.

"Please Sky, can you please let me help you guys? I'd really like to be a part of your world, and if it's just carrying leftovers and Colt, then, can I do it? I won't if you don't want me to, I answer to you, I won't force myself on you." He says it honestly, no manipulation, no sad 'poor me' voice, just open and frank.

"Ok, yeah, thanks for the help. I'm sorry if I'm being rude, I'm just really feeling unsteady with you. We haven't spent this much time together in years, and the last few interactions we had back then were awkward and kind of awful. I don't want to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to keep everything honest, no hiding." I hope that's true, I hope that I'm not trying to make him feel guilty.

"That's absolutely the best way Sky, we've got to be honest, even if it hurts someones feelings, I've got to keep myself in check, always making sure I'm an open book. Sometimes it sucks, but it keeps me straight." His voice is strong and determined.

After dropping off the food on the kitchen counter, we head upstairs to the kids room. They are both sound asleep, so after Tuck sets Colt on his bed, Tuck goes down to the kitchen to put away the food. I take my time changing the kids into their jamas, trying to get them to use the potty, then tucking them into bed. I take my time because I don't know if I want Tucker to be in the kitchen waiting for me, or if I really would prefer that he not be there at all.

Entering the kitchen, I see Tuck sitting at the table, hands in his lap, a distant look on his face as he looks out the window to the backyard, and our treehouse beyond.

"Do the memories overwhelm you when you're here? Do you feel sad or comforted Sky? Right now, I feel so fuckin sad, I miss your family, I love them and it fuckin hurts." He looks at me, tears in his eyes, I can see that his heart is truly hurting.

"At first it was really hard, now it's more comforting. The missing them always hurts, but now it's not the sharp hurt that takes my breath away. It's more of an ache, like a bruise. It's a tender spot, that probably won't ever go away, but the memories are sweet. I think, I'm more comforted by this house than saddened by it now." I think this is the first time I've articulated how being in this house makes me feel, some bad, but mostly good.

"I'd like us to be friends again Sky, I really fuckin miss you. I've missed you all along, I just wasn't the kind of person that you would have wanted to see then. I'm better now, I'm getting stronger every day. I'd really like to help you, share with you. I don't want to rush you or force myself on you, but can you please think about it though? I'd appreciate it. Like I said, I really fuckin miss you. I know we can't go back to when it was good, but maybe we can move forward and get a new good?" He stands, crosses the room to where I'm standing, looks into my eyes. He moves to pull me into his arms for a hug, watching me the entire time, waiting to see if I stop him, or if I'm going to leave.

This day has been full, I'm exhausted, the past year has been grueling. Right now a hug from someone who's known me my whole life, someone who knew and loved my family, right now a hug from Tucker sounds like just what I need.

Stepping into his arms, a calm fills me, my head drops onto his chest and I breathe out. One arm holds me close, the other runs softly between my shoulders and neck. I'm not sure if we stand here for a minute or an hour, I just relax, trying not to think of anything but this very soothing hug.

After who knows how long, I step back, look into his face and smile. 

"Thank you Tucker, you don't know how much I appreciate that, I really needed a hug from my friend. thank you for today, for not pushing me, or talking about things I'm not ready to discuss, I noticed all you helped me with today, I appreciate it, and thank you for that." I smile at him, this is good, this feels comforting, not stressful or sad.

"I'm not gonna pressure you Sky, I'd like to show you I can be in your world, if we can talk tomorrow, I'd really like that. You can be in charge of the conversation, stop it when you want, just the fact you're talking to me, well shit, that's more than I could have asked for, it's for damn sure more than I deserve." With a wry, slightly sad smile, he heads to the door.

"Can we not talk about the past Tuck, can we just skip ahead to a new friendship?" I honestly think this is the best course.

"I wish Sky, but, you need to be able to give me shit for all I pulled, and I need to take it. I would really like to know, how I let you down, in all the ways I fucked up. Otherwise, you might hold onto some anger, that will keep us from moving forward." he speaks softly, because he knows this is not what I want.

"Some boxes should stay closed Tucker, you have no idea what opening them will do, there are some things I don't like to think about, I don't ever want to think about. Please? Can we just leave it in the past?" I am pleading with him, he doesn't know all that's gone on through the years, and some of it was really awful.

"Lets talk tomorrow Sky, we'll start fresh, and you're the boss, enjoy it while it lasts!" He laughs as he says this, successfully lightning the mood.

"Later Tucker, remember you said I'm the boss!" I smile as I close the door, today ended with less stress than it began. It was a day full of surprises, now that I think about it, no bad surprises. The only bad thing was my anger, and I'm ok with that, I may not understand it, but I'm good with being angry with Tuck. I've got anger, but also, I think I want friendship also, I guess we'll see tomorrow. I turn off the light and head upstairs to bed.

By some fuckin miracle, she is open to being my friend. I've fucked up so much in my life, but I'm not gonna fuck up with her again. I'm not gonna let my family and the band down, not gonna disappoint those I love. I am most definitely going to step up and be the best kind of man for Sky and the kids, whatever that means, I'm gonna be there for them.

Standing between our houses, looking at the moon and stars, a sense of calm flows through me. You know when you're on the right track, making good decisions, heading for a goal, and knowing the course you need to take? That's where I am right now, I've got people I love, people who love me, people who help me, and people I'm gonna help. My life is so much more than what it was last year, thank fuckin god. As I head into the house, I laugh thinking that both my and Turos pies fell way behind my moms chocolate cherry cake, life is fucking good man.