Work has been amazing, the script I'm working on is getting great reviews from the front office, and the man in charge, Landon Gray, is very happy with the way everything is coming together. So my career is in great shape, I'm looking forward to finishing this project, and Landon says he wants me on the next one as well, yikes! Landon has been very helpful, working on the treatments, helping me work the script towards the vision he sees. I think we work well together, I'm learning quite a bit, and he doesn't have to worry about me fangirling all over the place. As handsome and nice as he is, a little flirty too, I've gotten used to him, and I know longer (mostly) see him as the super hot and sexy famous actor. More as the kind and helpful, sardonic and kind of quiet boss.

The house we've been living in is ending after January, so we'll have to find another rental. Not high on my list lf things I want to do, but certainly something that should work out. The houses around here are so expensive, and I really hate how much we pay in rent, but there isn't an alternative. If it were just me, I'd rent a studio apartment, I don't need too much. But it's the kids and me, and they need to have comfort and a safe neighborhood, along with easily accessed parks and playgrounds, safe places to run and play.

The budget is kind of an odd thing to get used to. With my salary alone, we could afford a small two bedroom in a sketchy part of town, no nice playgrounds or safe neighborhood though. The inheritance I got from my parents definitely helps offset the monthly expenses, I'd be lost without that. But the insurance money that went to the kids from their parents, and their share of the inheritance from my parents, well, that is money we will not ever be touching. That money will go towards their college tuitions, helping them buy a house, helping them live stress free lives as adults. As long as I can cover everything with my salary, along with my inheritance, then as far as I'm concerned, the kids money will remain untouched.

Now the most important part of our world, the kids. They really seem to be doing better, stronger and happier, the tears are not as frequent, and they don't last as long as they used to. We talk about their parents every day, we have pictures hanging around the house. The Holloways (seniors and juniors) frequently share anecdotes about their parents, and share stories about trouble Ty and Kell used to get into as little kids.

My goal is that they grow up with their parents as living and breathing memories, not dusty and faded pictures. The therapist is happy with their progress, and we're honestly living our lives and enjoying the world around us. Of course we have the days where things just suck. Sometimes one or all of us are emotional and prickly, but we try not to let that last too long. We acknowledge it, and then try to change it.

The kids are my barometer of success, when they're smiling and laughing, or talking about what makes them sad, then I truly feel like we're on a good path. And now that I know them better, I'm familiar with their idiosyncrasies, the little 'tells' that help me understand what's going on. I was a good and loving aunt to them, I saw them often and cherished the time we spent together. Now I'm a parent though, and as my role changed, so did my understanding of the kids.

I also feel more confident in my role. Sometimes they call me 'mom', sometimes they catch themselves saying it. They used to get sad when they realized what they'd said, now sometimes they laugh at each other, or they don't point it out at all. The doctors say this is progress and helps show we're headed the right direction. In the beginning to hear them call me mom, well, it pulled at my heart and made me tear up with sadness, now it pulls at my heart, and I tear up with pride and love.

For all intents and purposes, they are my babies. I will love and parent them until I can no longer do that, in other words, I will love and parent them for the rest of my life. It's horrible how they came to be my children, but I am blessed that they are mine. I wake in the mornings looking forward to what the day ahead will bring us, and they are a gift and a joy in my world.

Mel and Jase came over this morning and Mel brought up Thanksgiving. I had thought about it, assumed that we would spend it with the Holloways, even realized that there was a high probability that Tucker would be there. I'm cool with that, he has more than proven how serious and committed he is to his sobriety. Although I still get the letters almost daily, and honestly, I do miss them on the days I don't receive them. I see in the letters that he is far. more grounded, he has gotten progressively stronger, and he isn't as aggressive as he was for awhile about us being together. The underlying tone is still there, but what he seems most wistful about is the loss of our friendship, not the romance that we never had.

That I understand. It took me years to get past missing the friend I'd had for almost 15 years. He's only now dealing with all the things that we processed years ago while he was still drunk and drugged. He wants to talk, apologize in person, show me the remorse I do know that he feels. I'm not super into the idea of us talking and hashing out all the hurts, I know it's important, but there is a lot in my life I don't want to share with others, things I don't even like to think about anymore.

Mel said that if I'm not comfortable with seeing Tuck, then he won't be there. I think I am ok with seeing him, it's not like we have unresolved feelings and words to hash out. At least I don't think we do, he seems to be of another thought on that subject though.

So the truth of the matter is, I will see him this week, for the first time since the day of the funeral. He will probably want to talk, and I will definitely tell him I don't want to, and I will mean it. Maybe another time, perhaps never, I do know I don't have to decide that today.