My world is in total chaos. I'm hanging on to the illusion of control and organization by a microscopic and rapidly fraying thread. Between parenting, job, running a household, trying to heal from losing family, and not only the surreal but fact of where my life is now, jeez, sometimes I feel like a damn stranger in my own life.

Professionally my world is on point, things are pretty great at Magnolia Films, I'm a script reader and I also work with developing scripts. Right now I've got two projects that are very promising that the front office is interested in. The company has been great to me. When they found out what happened to my family, they've for the most part, let me work from home. I go in a few hours during the week, but bring most of my work home and work remotely. I'm meeting with Landon Gray tomorrow. The Landon Gray, actor, producer, freaking hottest guy according to I don't know how many magazines. So here I sit, in my boxer shorts and a scuzzy t-shirt, at 4:30 am, trying to work on my presentation to him. The kids have colds, so I was up all night with them, and decided to give up on sleep and work on, well, work. But I'm not really working, I'm thinking about Tuck.

He went into rehab just after the funeral. He stopped by the house before he left. He looked like hell, but seemed clearheaded, he wanted to talk more, but I honestly just didn't want to spare him the time. I wished him luck, then I said goodbye and closed the door. There is way too much in my world right now that I don't have a handle on yet, and every single one of those things takes priority over Tucker Holloway.

He went from rehab to a sober living house, I guess he's there for 2 months, then he'll go to his own house (not his parents house) with a live in sobriety companion. I hope it works for him, for the family. He started sending me letters a few months ago. I haven't read them yet, I don't even know if I'll read them ever. When I see them in the mail, I feel so angry, I just toss them in a box, and try to ignore them, at least until the next days mail brings another letter. I'm good with anger as my over riding Tucker emotion right now, I try not to think of him, but when I do I just feel raw anger. I'm pissed that he thinks he can have anything to do with my or the kids lives. Angry that he thinks these letters, which are probably all about apologies are enough to let him in our lives. Fuck that...fuck him. Ugh ... now I'm getting angry again, I've got to let him roll out of my mind.

The kids and I have gotten into a good routine. Mel was right about schedules and continuity, that being said, every day is different, and sometimes we have pancakes for dinner at 6:30 instead of 5:30. And other times we don't get out of our pajamas until 11:00 am. We're all working hard to make our new reality our new 'happy normal'. We play outside, we read, we talk about their grandparents and parents, we laugh and we cry. We're not crying as much anymore, there are now more giggles than tears, but we still frequently have to battle the sads.

Brad and Jess have been lifesavers. Thank god they live next door, the first couple of weeks they saved me too many times to count. Kell and Mel have also been over quite a bit, park play dates, movies, lots of fun time with Jase. But most of all, Kell and Mel have taught me how to be a parent, the love comes naturally, but damn all the organization, that takes skill and knowledge that they possess.

.But days like today where I'm starting the day behind schedule, tired and feeling somewhat out of control, these are the days where I have to learn how to prioritize. Not everything is going to be done correctly, or perhaps even finished at all. Oh f-ing well, the world will still turn, and the sun will still rise and set. Now I need to finish my presentation for tomorrow so I can impress my boss, and he'll see the value in letting me continue to work from home.

It was a looooonnnngggg day today. I accomplished quite a bit, but man, how did Ty and Rach do this every day? I'm freaking exhausted. After working this morning, the kids and I played for a bit outside, had a fun lunch in the back yard, then I tucked them in for a nap. I was able to then finish my presentation, do bills, laundry and a shopping list. After the kids woke up, I took them down to the beach where we made sand castles, dug holes, and I basically enjoyed sharing one of my favorite parts of childhood (the beach) with the kids. I successfully tired them out, so when we got home, dinner, bath and bed came easily. As they get older, I'll have Kell help me teach them how to surf and skim, their father loved all things beach, so I'll introduce them to everything he would have taught them.

The more I pour over my work, the more I realize that I am probably going to have to take the kids to LA and work from the studio for a few months. It's not realistic to work the script from home while everyone else will be in the office. I think I'll get a short term rental house in LA, hopefully one with a good play area in the back yard. I know that there is an onsite daycare option at the studio for employees, so if I can get the kids enrolled, then we will be at the same location. They are definitely getting better, the counselor they talk with has been helping me see how to tackle their fears. They both have developed some separation anxiety, according to the counselor some of it is age appropriate, but some is directly tied to losing their mom and dad. It's a tough road, but they are learning that if I'm away from them for a couple of hours at a time, that I will return. Only time will heal this wound.

I have a coworker, Alex, a really nice guy who said he might know about a short term rental that might work for the kids and me. At one time I thought I might be a little interested in Alex, but there is no way in hell I have the time to explore a new relationship now, maybe later, definitely not now. Wow, dating, that sounds so far off and unreachable.

Why did I open thisboxof snakes? I know the phrase is box of worms, but honestly, these letters are bigger and uglier than worms or even snakes, more like it's Pandoras box. Instead of diving in to these letters, I should have watched a movie, trash TV, eaten ice cream or shopped online. Any of those things would have been better than reading the fuckers letters.

I can see he's improved since I spoke to him last. The tone of his letters aren't as manic and desperate as he seemed the last time I saw him. He's certainly not making any excuses for his shitty behavior, but to think he has the right to assume we're going to be together? That right there infuriates me. If the letters were full of just the apologies and the memories, that would be ok, I guess, I'd still be angry, but not raging like I am now. But all the leaps and assumptions he's making....too much, too, too, much.

Talking about how he's going to help me with the kids, show up in my life? Words, that's all they are are lovely, meaningless, empty words. Like when the kids blow bubbles. The bubbles are iridescent and pretty, floating beautifully in the air, gently soaring in the breeze, sometimes landing on a flower or leaf, then they pop. Sometimes disappearing completely, sometimes leaving a gloppy soapy mess, and that's what Tucks words are to me. An f-ing mess.

Although, I do appreciate the memories. Especially the ones with Ty. You often forget the day to day, seemingly unimportant moments, until they're gone forever. Then you try like hell to recall everything, which is totally impossible. So these memories from Tuck are a gift, I'll take that from him, but not the rest of his pretty, transitory, bubbly words .